Now That We Have More Medium Hoodies Nothing Can Stop Us!

Posted on January 25, 2021 by David Britton

The success of every truly legendary band has always hinged on their one big break. The Beatles playing on Ed Sullivan, Nirvana recording the video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Kanye running for president. These are the moments that define rock and roll.

For my band, Kick The Media Head, that big break arrived Monday afternoon via UPS. Little did the man in brown know he was delivering history when he rang my parent’s doorbell and dropped off a box full of 25 medium hoodies.

The smalls and larges came on Friday, and the XL’s should be here later this week, but everyone knows that mediums are the biggest sellers. Once we book our first show, we’ll probably sell out right away! I can’t wait for our adoring fans to get a look at the kick-ass clip art we picked and the sweet font we used. We even paid extra to get our website printed on the back. That’s gonna drive a ton of traffic to our website if our drummer’s brother ever finishes it.

You really can’t overestimate the importance of people wearing your band’s name. That’s why when our guitarist amp crapped out again, I told her not to bother buying a new one. Instead, we spent that money on a bunch of hoodies, and now we both just plugin through my bass rig. We figured once we sell all the hoodies, not only will we have money for a new amp, we might even have enough left over to replace Kyle’s broken cymbal stands.

Sure it was a shrewd financial move, but it also gave us a big physiological boost at practice. In fact, we were jamming out so hard yesterday that when Beth’s older sister came down to the basement to grab a soda she said we were “starting to sound like an actual band.” Now maybe she was just flirting with me, but I feel like she meant it.

With this kind of energy, I bet we’ll finish writing our third song in no time!

Attorney Desperately Tries to Convince Punk to at Least Give Some Fucks

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Freelancer

LUBBOCK, Texas — Local defense attorney Andre Laird is reportedly running out of options today, trying to convince his punk client that giving “at least a handful of fucks” would be beneficial to his impending legal situation, frustrated sources confirmed.

“It’s like talking to a brick wall with a chip on its shoulder that also smells like weed and is consistently 20 minutes late,” said Laird. “What’s at stake merits giving quite a few fucks: this state is pretty strict when it comes to assaulting police officers, and my client is accused of assaulting quite a few police officers. Plus the arson charges, the drug possession, and the public indecency charges… they all add up to a lengthy prison stay if he doesn’t get his act together and give a few fucks. He needs to at least stop spitting on the floor in the courtroom, and stop giving the judge the finger.”

Laird’s client stands by the punk mantra of “not giving a fuck” as his only defense strategy, despite only needing to take a plea deal for six months of probation.

“Man, look: there’s illegal, and there’s wrong. Did I do something illegal? Apparently. Did I do something wrong? Only according to these fucking pigs,” recalled defendant Moses Ruiz. “I didn’t give a fuck before I got arrested, and I don’t give a fuck now that I’m bailed out… and I only gave a fuck in jail because it cramped my ability to not give a fuck, and the food sucked. The state can’t legistlate our ability to give a fuck or not, and I resent them for trying to force that on us. But for the record, I don’t give a fuck — even though my attorney seems to think it’s important.”

Punk experts noted the legacy of punks giving no fucks while facing legal penalties, often resulting in increased punishment.

“Not giving a fuck has become a point of pride to the punk community. It’s as if the act of self-preservation was for bougie sell-outs,” said punk legal historian Eli Easterly. “Unfortunately, punks don’t often understand the court system doesn’t give a fuck about them either, and the courts have all the power. So it’s not really a fair fight.”

At press time, Laird was realizing he made a big error in inviting his client’s crust punk friends to be character witnesses after one of them tried lighting the American flag in the courtroom on fire.

CDC Urges Americans to Acquire New Skills and Outfits for When Time Skip Ends

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

ATLANTA — In an attempt to help Americans better understand and adjust to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement encouraging Americans to start intensive training regimens to acquire vital new skills going forward.

“This pandemic has raged on for nearly a year and has shown no signs of stopping,” CDC Director Rochelle Walensky said. “And yet even now we still have a major obstacle to overcome: getting through all of this and discovering that your friend group is as dull as they were before. Go on a long training journey and meditate under waterfalls or something cool.”

The statement was met with immediate backlash from concerned Americans who felt they could not afford such intense measures.

“Very few small businesses are equipped to survive a time skip. It’s not fair to expect us all to do this,” Derrick Stocker, the owner of a local pharmacy, said. “The people I know who could afford to stay home instead of work are gaining weight and taking up hobbies like knitting. If the government wants us to learn how to become wyvern riders and acquire legendary swords, they need to cancel rent.”

Despite the criticism, leading medical experts continue to stand by this approach, citing the fact that major events have always served as a precedent for such actions.

“The fact of the matter is that COVID-19 was on a power level that Americans have never seen before. If we don’t prepare by spending the next year developing new powerful forms then we’ll never be able to protect our friends, families, and best girls,” explained Doctor Anthony Fauci. “Also, it’s either this or another year of filler arcs where we figure out who’s the best at baking fig newtons and sourdough bread.”

Dr. Fauci later showcased his planned outfit for after the time skip: an exposed muscular chest slightly obscured by a tattered medical coat. He also drew attention to the fact that one sleeve was missing to show off the new arm scar he got from the vaccine.

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Boy Scout Unaware Old Woman He’s Helping Cross Street Is Alice Cooper

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — Local Boy Scout Matthew Bolz allegedly did not realize that the old woman he aided across the street yesterday was actually heavy metal icon Alice Cooper, sources reported.

“I saw this really feeble lady with skin so pale she was almost translucent, struggling with her cane as she waited for the light, and offered to help her cross the street. She smelled like Halloween and cigarettes,” said Bolz, a Tenderfoot Scout from Troop 231. “And she must’ve been crying before I got there, because her eyeshadow was all smudged. I wanted to cheer her up — I’ve helped a lot of old ladies, but never one wearing a spiked leather jacket and top hat. After we crossed she said, ‘Thank you,’ and gave me some fake blood packets. I even got to pet the big snake she was holding!”

Witnesses reported that they also mistook the mastermind behind “Poison,” “Billion Dollar Babies” and “Welcome to My Nightmare” for an old woman.

“At first I was like, ‘Wow, what a nice thing to do for an old woman.’ But then I realized, top hat… skull cane… bats inexplicably circling above… that’s no old woman; that’s Alice fucking Cooper!” said Tess Rivers, a business owner in the neighborhood. “It’s still a nice thing to do, though — old women shouldn’t have a monopoly on getting help from wide-eyed boy scouts. Even legendary shock-rockers need a hand across the street from time to time. Old lady or Alice Cooper, they sure looked weak and sickly.”

Cooper himself said that misunderstandings like these “happen all the time.”

“This is the third time this month a young boy has helped me while I’m out doing errands. Just last week, another scout came up to me at the store and said, ‘Do you need help reaching the top shelf, ma’am?’ I can’t remember the last time I crossed the street alone or carried groceries to my car,” Cooper said while waiting as a kind samaritan pumped his gas for him. “I guess these kids aren’t watching ‘Wayne’s World’ as much anymore, but hey, I’m not complaining — I might not be an old lady, but I’m still a senior citizen. Without these scouts, it would be ‘School’s Out’ for my knees.”

In related news, another Troop 231 scout was seen mowing Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider’s lawn.

Woman Spends Entire Life Savings on Three Grocery Items from CVS

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Erin McLaughlin

OCEAN CITY, Md. — Once-financially secure woman Laura Pelligro reportedly spent all of her life savings in a five-minute trip to the drugstore chain CVS yesterday, unsurprised sources confirm.

“I had a handle on things right up until the end, and it was the CVS-brand lemon cookies that really threw me over the edge. I already knew I wouldn’t be able to pay my college loans this month when I saw the total for the Ziploc bags and the case of water, so I figured, ‘Fuck it,’” Pelligro explained. “I guess I could have driven 20 minutes to Shop Rite so I could still take my dream trip to Thailand, but there’s just something about CVS that feels strangely… comforting. And don’t even think about suggesting Rite Aid — the lighting in there is the worst.”

CVS pharmacy counter clerk Daphne Wing, who rang up Pelligro’s life-shattering grocery items, showed shocking sympathy for Pelligro’s plight.

“It’s shitty how CVS robs customers with their crazy prices, so I felt kinda bad for her,” Wang recalled. “But also, it was kind of awkward when she started crying about how she couldn’t afford her insulin. I only make $15 an hour. Like, go complain to the people at the UPS Drop Off counter — they’re paid more to listen to your bitching.”

For his part, CVS corporate executive Michael Kranz thinks it’s ludicrous that people complain about CVS when they probably have a plethora of other grocery options in the tri-state area.

“I don’t have any sympathy for people who complain about how they had to ‘sell their assets’ or ‘put their children up for adoption’ after they splurged on their prescription eye drops and Venus razors,” said Kranz from his second vacation home in Kauai. “They could have just taken two buses to the nearest Walmart two towns over. The fact that we even have locations in a neighborhood where there is no other option but a gas station to buy milk and diapers makes us pretty fucking generous, actually. Have you seen how long our goddamn receipts are?”

Pelligro was later spotted selling her plasma to afford a $28 organic burger and $9 fries from Bare Burger.

4 Band Promotion Strategies Guaranteed To Piss off Your Whole Scene

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Eric Navarro

DIY promotion and hustle will make or break you as a local artist. If your band isn’t pounding the pavement figuratively and literally, why are you even picking up a guitar? You might as well buy some DJ software and give yourself an actual chance of making it.

Actually, yeah, you should probably just do that. No? Alright. Well then let’s try to get you at least 15 fans so you can fulfill your end of the contractual agreement that is this pay-to-play show.

Let’s be real, all band promotion is annoying. But after all the years of dragging everyone you know to your shitty shows, your friends have grown to resent you, your family is sick of you, and your ex is already sleeping with someone. Probably a DJ.

But fuck them! Who needs the support of loved ones, anyway? All you need is an anonymous group of strangers to cheer you on and all the pain stops, right? Just kidding, it doesn’t. But we’re gonna help you try to get your shitty band out there anyway.

Any asshole can print a flyer and tape it to a wall overtop of some missing kid. That’s local band shit. These four DIY promotion tips are sure to get your name out there. If you do this right, the scene will never forget who you are. And they will absolutely never, ever forget how much they hate you.

Flyer Inside the Venue– Every band flyers outside the venue after the show. So how can we make sure your flyer is the one that gets noticed on the way to the trash can? Simple. Be intrusive! Shove those flyers in every eager face who’s confused why they’re being talked to while the opening band plays. Do it so much that it attracts the attention of the venue staff. When they ask you to stop you should definitely touch them on the shoulder, slip one of those flyers into their shirt collar, and pat it into their chest for good measure. Worst case scenario, you get to kinda-crowd surf out the door and you’re back to flyering outside! Plus, the shiner you’ll get makes for a great conversation starter.

Shrinkwrap Those Demos. Fuck it, Use Duct Tape for Good Measure – Remember CDs? Sure you do! Your trunk is full of them and your dumb band name is on every single one. While giving out CDs may be an archaic and cumbersome promotional strategy, the nostalgia factor makes up for the impracticality. Everyone’s favorite nostalgic memory of these little disks that sound way better than vinyl is desperately struggling to open the thinnest plastic made by a company not named “Trojan” and you certainly want that memory tied to your band forever.

Picture it: Within minutes of being handed your music, a wide-eyed scene kid is going to discover just how fucking annoying it is to deal with dinosaur media. Plus, the few determined souls who make it through this cellophane gauntlet match will be hit with another dose of nostalgia when they press play and realize you ripped off “All Time Low” for 10 tracks.

Use Dating Apps to Pack Your Shows (and make sure to brag about it!!!) – Now here’s a great way to get noticed! Set up dates that take place at the exact time and location as your next show. Then sit back, watch the crowd fill up, and prepare to spend the rest of your night making small talk with the people you just bamboozled. This will surely grow your local scene and not at all sour new people to the experience of going to shows.

Make sure to brag about it too. Tell every band you know how you were able to pack out the venue of their dreams via the attention you get on Tinder. This promotion strategy will surely be noticed by everyone in your scene, especially the other bands on the show who used their music to draw a crowd. But who cares about art? You’re more of an “influencer” these days, which is so cool and won’t be embarrassing in hindsight.

A. B. P. Always Be Peacocking – All alternative scenes are flush with peacocking. Hell, that’s how we used to signal our beliefs, lifestyle, and media preferences to each other. But in an age where fashion styles have been blended beyond recognition, it seems the only way to stand out is to be outlandish and get, like, a face tattoo of your own face.

Fortunately, bands are catching on! While flyering. I have witnessed peacocking that would make The Casualties feel shame, and that really says something since Jorge Herrera exists. Whether it was a face-painted goth in full Native American ceremonial garb, a white rapper wearing JNCOs, or a crustie who’s more “fent patch” than “punk,” musicians I’ve flyered next to know that standing out clearly comes first. Granted, I’m from Baltimore where the punks are 90% hair dye and the mosh pits are 10% pitbull so make of that what you will.

To be honest, I’ve found the most effective peacocking is not through your outfit but through your actions. But words are cheap and they aren’t always the most effective to promote your art. On paper, your most effective promotion strategy is to just play your music and, if it’s any good, you’ll have a new fan. Unfortunately, I heard your EP and that won’t be happening. Let’s get you some JNCOs!

Concerned Punk Dad Finds Regular Sports Illustrated Under Son’s Mattress

Posted on January 24, 2021 by Ben Friedman

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk dad Tim “Trashcan” McCarthy was shocked and disturbed yesterday after discovering a regular issue of Sports Illustrated under his teenage son’s mattress.

“I was digging around his room, as most dads do, just to see what he’s getting into. I mean, if he has weed, I’d hope he wouldn’t hold out on his old man. But then I pulled up his mattress and there it was, clear as day: just a regular-ass Sports Illustrated, with that jacked-up goon Mike Trout on the cover,” said McCarthy. “I thought this was some ploy and I’d open it and find an anarchist zine or something with one boob… but, no, just articles about fantasy baseball prospects. I’d heard about this happening to other people, but I never thought it’d be my own kid. Where did I go wrong?”

McCarthy’s son Billy vehemently denied alignment with any organized sport, despite being grilled by his father.

“I swear to God I only bought it for the skateboarding article. The baseball stuff is nothing — I just wanted to find out which bats are sturdy enough for smashing mailboxes. It’s not like I’m trying to be some cleat licker drinking Coors at a sports bar,” said the 12-year-old. “My dad used to get drunk and punch A’s fans in the ‘80s, and he’s freaking out that everyone in the neighborhood is going to think his son is a poseur.”

Child psychologist Brad Schaffer noted “rebellious” behavior like this is not uncommon.

“Rebelling against your parents is a right of passage, and one’s teenage years are about finding one’s identity. It’s only natural that some kids experiment with or become curious about societal taboos, but at the end of the day, it’s a parent’s duty to ensure their offspring don’t idolize roided-out jock assholes,” said Dr. Schaffer. “Sure, today Billy may just be browsing harmlessly through player stats and figures, but if left unchecked, he could be regularly reading Barstool Sports and using phrases like ‘run the table’ and whatnot.”

The McCarthys ultimately came to a compromise, in which Billy can like sports so long as they’re something violent, like hockey.

Beware: If We Make Minimum Wage $15 Then People Won’t Need Two Jobs, Meaning They’ll Have Leisure Time, Meaning There Will Be More Gamers

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

The national debate over minimum wage has raged on in the United States ever since President Biden made it an immediate priority for his administration. In recent years, many Americans have come out in favor of a progressive proposal to increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour — and it sounds good on the surface — but it comes with a grave cost to our nation’s soul that must be deeply considered. As an economist, it is my duty to inform the public on this devastating issue.

If we increase the minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $15 an hour, it will mean that low wage workers will no longer be required to work multiple jobs in order to make ends meet. In turn, that means these workers will, potentially for the first time in their adult lives, have leisure time with which they can do whatever they want. And that means… yes, unfortunately it is true… the United States will be overrun with even more gamers.

Gaming is a national crisis in the United States. In 2021, demographic experts estimate that there are roughly 150 million gamers in the United States — already at an incredibly frightening level. These gamers indoctrinate our children in their Fortnites, post terrifying meme images featuring the clown prince of crime, Joker, and throwing eggs at my home each night around 11 p.m. I think we can all agree that gaming must be stopped.

When it comes to the debate over minimum wage, we absolutely must remember the saying: “idle hands are the gamer’s workshop.”

When a minimum wage employee gets home from their grueling shift at McDonalds, the one thing they’re going to want to do is plop on their couch, turn on their Nintendo Switch, and water some plants in Animal Crossing, thus creating another gamer. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to prevent this catastrophic possibility without legislation outright banning games: making sure that these workers have so little money that they are forced to work a second job in the gig economy as an Uber driver or some equivalent position. We need to keep these idle hands away from controllers and keyboards, and instead gripped tightly on rideshare steering wheels.

In the United States, approximately 42.4% of workers make less than $15 an hour. That’s 139.2 million Americans with the potential to become horrifying gamers, that’s 139.2 million Americans filling up your favorite social media message boards with complaints about Cyberpunk bugs instead of driving you to your destinations, and that’s 139.2 million Americans spending their quarantine time indoors on their PS5s instead of delivering your burritos to your door. We cannot allow this to happen.

It’s true that raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour will not have any significant impact on the prices of menu items at Taco Bell, but the reality is much, much worse. Image the dystopian future where you walk into your local Taco Bell, and instead of a quesarito that costs $10, you see a cashier with a visible Triforce tattoo on their arm. If we want to keep our great nation far away from the twisted grasp of these wretched gamers, we must not allow the minimum wage to increase.

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Ragtag Band of Gentrifiers Stage Breakdancing Benefit Show to Demolish Community Rec Center

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Eli Johnson

WASHINGTON — A plucky group of wealthy gentrifiers up against the odds triumphantly did the impossible yesterday, shuttering the beloved Sojourner Truth Recreation Center in the Columbia Heights neighborhood using nothing but the power of dance and rising property taxes.

“Yo, listen up fam. I’m gonna kick it to you like this,” said Grayson “Ozone” Danforth, a defense contractor and one of the organizers of the “Breakdancing for Bulldozers” benefit show that successfully closed the center. “This place has been a traffic nightmare and an eyesore for years. The land this building sits on is worth too much to have it wasted on a community resource serving underprivileged kids. We dipped into our trust funds, but this is gonna take a miracle to pull off, so dig deep, y’all, and let’s get a Whole Foods up in this hizzy!”

“Look, I’m not gonna front,” agreed fellow organizer Alicia Shartue. “City Hall, the Neighborhood Advisory Commission… hell, pretty much the whole damn neighborhood doesn’t want us here today. But we got something to say to that. DJ, kick it!”

Danforth, along with several recent transplants to Columbia Heights, successfully organized, studied breakdance, and staged a fundraiser that pooled enough money to buy out and demolish the neighborhood institution.

“These no good break dancers have no idea what they’re doing,” said real estate developer Bradley Meyers. “We don’t need any help getting this place torn down. We’ve already petitioned the city to sell the land, and with market forces and all, we typically get what we want every time. Also, I’m not the best judge of this stuff, but the dancing was pretty terrible.”

For their part, the neighborhood’s long-time residents were particularly incensed by the gentrifiers and their astounding, non-underdog tale.

“This community has come together countless times to save that place, but you can only fight for so long, I guess,” said Rafael Michaels, who once ran a youth football program out of the establishment. “It sucks because a lot of these people learned to dance at my studio. I knew white folks weaponized black culture against us, but I didn’t think it would be this on the nose.”

Sadly, since the benefit, the dancers have declared Columbia Heights no longer “authentic” and are looking for the next up-and-coming neighborhood to move to and virtually destroy.

Therapist Hopes Patient Will Stop Killing Vibe With All The “Dead Dad” Talk

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Literally A Koala

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Therapist Brandon Carr wished yesterday that his patient would stop “bringing the vibe down with all the dead dad talk” during a recent therapy session about social anxiety.

“My patient was nattering on about social media giving him anxiety, when out of nowhere he starts talking about how much he misses his dead dad,” said Carr while trying to find prank videos on Youtube to cheer himself up. “Why would he tell me something like that? And why ‘here,’ of all places? I’m not his family, or even his best friend. I’m his therapist; his personal shit is none of my business. If you want to talk about dead people, go to a funeral home or something — I’m sure all the people who work there love talking about dead dudes.”

While Carr refused to violate doctor/patient confidentiality, a staffer confirmed the patient was Peter Bales, who often feels nervous discussing his father’s death in his sessions.

“My dad passed away seven months ago, and it’s haunted me each day. We weren’t on the best terms when he died, and I haven’t been able to confront my feelings or mourn in a healthy fashion,” said Bales. “But anytime I try to bring it up in therapy, Brandon always seems to get a little squeamish and changes the topic. I told him that my dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, and instead of digging into that, we spent 45 minutes talking about ‘Nathan for You.’ I love that show, but talking about it doesn’t help me sleep better at night.”

American Psychological Association senior board member Dr. James Gates outlined the importance of boundaries between therapists and clients.

“Part of the appeal of becoming a therapist is sitting around and doodling on a notepad while someone cries near you,” said Gates. “It’s the easiest job in the world — we just nod along to why you think your boss is acting weird, take your money and go home. Confiding in your therapist with personal baggage or drama, like whining about the death of someone we’ve literally never met, can be a real mood killer… especially if you’re trying to sleep with your therapist. Just read the room and keep things light.”

For a successful therapy session, Dr. Gates also suggested clients keep the details of family-related deaths private or in random outbursts on Facebook like everyone else.

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