OCEAN CITY, Md. — Once-financially secure woman Laura Pelligro reportedly spent all of her life savings in a five-minute trip to the drugstore chain CVS yesterday, unsurprised sources confirm.
“I had a handle on things right up until the end, and it was the CVS-brand lemon cookies that really threw me over the edge. I already knew I wouldn’t be able to pay my college loans this month when I saw the total for the Ziploc bags and the case of water, so I figured, ‘Fuck it,’” Pelligro explained. “I guess I could have driven 20 minutes to Shop Rite so I could still take my dream trip to Thailand, but there’s just something about CVS that feels strangely… comforting. And don’t even think about suggesting Rite Aid — the lighting in there is the worst.”
CVS pharmacy counter clerk Daphne Wing, who rang up Pelligro’s life-shattering grocery items, showed shocking sympathy for Pelligro’s plight.
“It’s shitty how CVS robs customers with their crazy prices, so I felt kinda bad for her,” Wang recalled. “But also, it was kind of awkward when she started crying about how she couldn’t afford her insulin. I only make $15 an hour. Like, go complain to the people at the UPS Drop Off counter — they’re paid more to listen to your bitching.”
For his part, CVS corporate executive Michael Kranz thinks it’s ludicrous that people complain about CVS when they probably have a plethora of other grocery options in the tri-state area.
“I don’t have any sympathy for people who complain about how they had to ‘sell their assets’ or ‘put their children up for adoption’ after they splurged on their prescription eye drops and Venus razors,” said Kranz from his second vacation home in Kauai. “They could have just taken two buses to the nearest Walmart two towns over. The fact that we even have locations in a neighborhood where there is no other option but a gas station to buy milk and diapers makes us pretty fucking generous, actually. Have you seen how long our goddamn receipts are?”
Pelligro was later spotted selling her plasma to afford a $28 organic burger and $9 fries from Bare Burger.