LUBBOCK, Texas — Local defense attorney Andre Laird is reportedly running out of options today, trying to convince his punk client that giving “at least a handful of fucks” would be beneficial to his impending legal situation, frustrated sources confirmed.
“It’s like talking to a brick wall with a chip on its shoulder that also smells like weed and is consistently 20 minutes late,” said Laird. “What’s at stake merits giving quite a few fucks: this state is pretty strict when it comes to assaulting police officers, and my client is accused of assaulting quite a few police officers. Plus the arson charges, the drug possession, and the public indecency charges… they all add up to a lengthy prison stay if he doesn’t get his act together and give a few fucks. He needs to at least stop spitting on the floor in the courtroom, and stop giving the judge the finger.”
Laird’s client stands by the punk mantra of “not giving a fuck” as his only defense strategy, despite only needing to take a plea deal for six months of probation.
“Man, look: there’s illegal, and there’s wrong. Did I do something illegal? Apparently. Did I do something wrong? Only according to these fucking pigs,” recalled defendant Moses Ruiz. “I didn’t give a fuck before I got arrested, and I don’t give a fuck now that I’m bailed out… and I only gave a fuck in jail because it cramped my ability to not give a fuck, and the food sucked. The state can’t legistlate our ability to give a fuck or not, and I resent them for trying to force that on us. But for the record, I don’t give a fuck — even though my attorney seems to think it’s important.”
Punk experts noted the legacy of punks giving no fucks while facing legal penalties, often resulting in increased punishment.
“Not giving a fuck has become a point of pride to the punk community. It’s as if the act of self-preservation was for bougie sell-outs,” said punk legal historian Eli Easterly. “Unfortunately, punks don’t often understand the court system doesn’t give a fuck about them either, and the courts have all the power. So it’s not really a fair fight.”
At press time, Laird was realizing he made a big error in inviting his client’s crust punk friends to be character witnesses after one of them tried lighting the American flag in the courtroom on fire.