If Your Pillows Aren’t Political, You’re Not Paying Attention

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Jus Kaplan

Like most Americans, I make all my bedding purchases based on my firmly held political beliefs. My bed frame is crafted from eco-friendly, sustainably sourced hardwood because I care about the future of our dying planet. My bamboo toothbrush is biodegradable and you better believe both my Jill Stein shower curtains are too.

So imagine my outrage when I found out my favorite, most softest pillow in the whole wide world was made by some right-wing insurrectionist with a hard-on for martial law. Wake up, people! If your pillows aren’t political, you’re clearly not paying attention to what’s really going on.

Before I even finished reading the tweet I learned this from, I had already tossed my MyPillow pillow directly into the garbage. Good riddance! I knew If I’d kept that pillow for even one more second, I’d be supporting pure, unconscionable evil. I can’t sleep! I toss and turn all night thinking about the $19.98 I gave to those monsters. Not having a pillow may also be a factor.

This monumental mishap got me wondering what other household products I own that oppose my politics and are therefore evil. I quickly ran to my kitchen, iPhone 12 Pro in hand, and began googling every food item in my pantry, which I built and decorated myself (thanks Home Depot and Hobby Lobby!).

When did I buy all this Goya and how did I miss that their CEO is a monster? I chucked my dozens of cans of black beans and chickpeas into the recycling bin. I also trashed the pack of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs I had sitting in my fridge from yesterday’s Walmart run. Donate? Never. I wouldn’t even subject my dog to those Trump-supporting meat sticks! They can rot in the dumpster with the alt-rats.

To calm my nerves, I drove to the nearby Equinox gym for some much-needed cardio. On my way back I stopped by CVS to pick up some prescriptions and bought a gorgeous-smelling perfume made by my favorite beauty brand, Estee Lauder, as a treat. I deserve it after this long day of aligning my consumerism with my morals.

Smug YouTube Guitar Lesson Just Assumes Viewer Already Knows What All the Letters Mean

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Krissy Howard

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — A decidedly arrogant YouTube guitar tutorial incorrectly assumed that the person watching it already knew what the hell he was talking about with “all that letters nonsense,” sources who thought better of the video confirmed.

“I figured I could make good use of all this time inside by becoming a guitar master, but these lessons are dumb as fuck. He just kept saying ‘A’ and ‘D,’ like anyone knows what the hell that’s supposed to mean,” said determined guitar student on his fifth attempt to learn the instrument over eight years, Ellis Bower. “I just came here to learn how to play ‘Everlong’ in six minutes — I didn’t realize I needed to go to college for guitar before I fucking got here. Plus, my fingers hurt crazy bad. Thumbs down.”

Viewers also offered constructive criticism regarding the videos’ lighting, length, and overall lack of attention-grabbing effects.

“It was so boring. Like, just show me how to do the song — why am I spending 5 million hours watching some guy counting frets and talking about tuning?” explained Yasmin Shumate, who was last seen positioning her laptop in the same direction as her guitar so that she could mimic the hand positioning. “Yelling out numbers out of order is weird and unnatural. As soon as I get the patience to learn how to read tabs I’m fucking outta here.”

For his part, YouTube guitar teacher Aaron Daley has low expectations for the success of the free content he posts for anyone to view online.

“From what I can tell, there’s two types of people who like the video: 18 guys with tips of their own, and hundreds of people who just end up learning the first two chords from ‘About a Girl’ and seem happy with being able to play the intro to that song over and over,” said Daley. “I guess it’s fine, because they usually comment some mean shit before they leave, so either way my video gets promoted, I guess.”

Studies have also found that thousands of viewers who started a drum lesson abandoned it around the 50 second mark to watch several videos of Japanese children covering Rage Against the Machine songs.

Sony and Criterion Announce Team Up to Release Entire Collection on PSP UMDs

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Connor McGarry

NEW YORK — In a special broadcast from the Criterion Closet, Sony Interactive Entertainment CEO and President Jim Ryan announced a collaboration between the two companies earlier today that would see the entire collection of critically acclaimed films made available on the UMD media format.

“The entire Criterion Collection is getting released on PSP UMDs, straight to Gamestop used shelves near you,” said Ryan at a press conference earlier today, holding up a copy of the Coen Brothers’ debut film, Blood Simple, on a recently pressed UMD disc. “Every PSP user remembers the first time they booted up their PSP, inserted the oddly shaped miniature disc into the console and started watching their favorite hit films like Christmas With The Kranks or Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. It was an innovative and superb way to watch the latest and greatest of America’s second greatest medium besides games, and the people want it back”

Ryan then showed the gathered press a brief clip of Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon playing on his PSP. Cinephiles and gamers alike reacted to the news with glee, ready to start watching some of history’s greatest cinematic achievements on their old and dusty PSPs.

“It’s definitely gonna be great to finally brush up on my cinema history for the next time I get cornered by a self proclaimed ‘film guy’ at a party,” self proclaimed film guy Garrison O’Connell explained. “And if he starts asking if I’ve watched his favorite wacko classic like Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, I can just whip out my PSP, specialized game case holder for these oblong UMDs, and UMD copy of the film to show him just how serious I am.”

“Plus,” he added. “If he has his own PSP with a copy of Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep, we could go a few rounds on the command board minigame to really stimulate the party and discussion of cinema’s greatest!”

Even acclaimed directors showed their support for the specialized release of the collection. Martin Scorsese posted a photo on his Facebook page of the UMD box art of his classic, The Last Temptation of Christ.

“Finally, people can watch one of my finest works the way I intended,” claimed the Academy Award winning director in his post. “On a 3.8 inch screen that can also be paused at any time to play some of the finest portable games ever made, like Ape Escape: On The Loose, LocoRoco, or even Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, a game that deserves a Criterion release in its own right!”

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We Look Back at “Siamese Dream” Because I Just Shaved My Head and Started Yelling at Everyone

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Ryan Werner

There’s something about hiding my receding hairline that reminds me of the classic Smashing Pumpkins album “Siamese Dream.” That wall of guitars! Those quiet/loud dynamics! That piece of shit and one of the WORST HUMANS THAT EVER EXISTED, James Iha, falling ASS-BACKWARDS into being allowed to play the brilliant parts laid out for him NOTE BY NOTE! It’s an incredible work.

Opener “Cherub Rock” makes it clear right out of the gate: the person who played bass on this should be FIRED for being a MEAN-SPIRITED DRUG ADDICT who REFUSES TO GET HELP or admit that PRO WRESTLING IS COOLER THAN WORRYING ABOUT LIPSTICK OR HAVING PERFORMANCE ANXIETY or fucking WHATEVER!

As part of the generation that changed the world and not a part of the POSERS WHO TOOK IT OVER and thought ZWAN was anything less than incredible, I’m very qualified to talk about the genius of a song like “Today.” It becomes a retroactive anthem, proof that even though pink ribbon scars truly don’t forget how Billy Corgan dated Tila Tequila or invited Mark McGrath on stage to cover Sugar Ray’s “Fly,” we should all collectively try our best to forget.

“Disarm” speaks to me and my free-market libertarian capitalist ideology. If the killer in me is the killer in you, WHO’S GETTING CANCELLED NOW YOU GENIUS MILLENIAL?! It must have been an interesting color of paint on the guitar this was recorded with. Some people think it doesn’t matter what color the guitar is, but some people don’t believe in shapeshifting aliens, either. I call these morons “IDIOTS.”

The album’s most metallic and perhaps most successfully pensive track is “Silverfuck.” It’s also the album’s longest track, and I got the chance to listen to it three full times before I could get off this rollercoaster ride that was stuck. You think it’s funny because you’re a heartless prick, but I FORGOT A HAT and with my head just being shaved, I got a really bad sunburn that I DIDN’t DESERVE. Not as bad as the one James Iha deserves but PRETTY BAD!

Diva Cup Mistaken for Shot Glass

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Dylan Alan filled a rinsed-out and drying Diva Cup full of vodka last night during a particularly sloppy bout of quarantine drinking, according to sources.

“In all honesty, knowing now that it was a menstrual cup gives a lot of context to what happened last night,” mumbled a dangerously hungover Alan. “I can really only remember three things: throwing up on my girlfriend’s vintage Sailor Moon figurine, falling while trying to take my basketball shorts off, and the vodka tasting sort of like pennies. I’m mostly embarrassed, because my girlfriend told me what I did by saying that this was the closest I’ve ever gotten to eating her out. Like, she’s not wrong, but like, harsh, man.”

Unsurprisingly, Alan’s live-in girlfriend and Diva Cup owner Alexa Thompson had conflicting opinions.

“Yeah, although this is a new level of dumbassery for Dylan, it’s not even the dumbest thing a boyfriend of mine has done with my menstrual products,” confessed an exhausted Thompson. “One time I came home to three of my heavy flow pads just stuck to the bathroom wall because the guy I was seeing ‘just wanted to see how sticky they are,’ and a couple years ago all my tampons went missing because my ex was using them to boof moonshine. I actually met Dylan at his funeral. I guess everything comes full circle.”

However, bartender and roommate of the pair Chett Lin was inspired by the events.

“When I came into the living room in the morning and saw the overturned bottle of Mr. Boston next to Alexa’s rust-stained period cup, something just clicked,” exclaimed Lin while coming down from a coke bender. “I was like, that’s it, that’s my next big hit! Fernand Petiot can suck it! His bloody Mary doesn’t even use blood — this will be the Bloodiest Mary. But this shit’s real! I could use my friend’s recycled Diva Cup blood and everything. God, this shit’s gonna taste so weird. Fuck, I weild so much power.”

Lin’s recipe for the Bloodiest Mary can be found in the comments section of an old upload of “It’s Alive With Brad Leone” on YouTube.

Photo by Ramona Apthorp.

I Can’t Wait for the Day To Arrive That I Can Go To a Live Concert Again and Leave Because My Anxiety Takes Over

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Stephen Bell

As vaccines against the Covid-19 virus begin distribution one can’t help but have a sense of optimism as the future approaches. Soon people who aren’t stupid and actually waited for this pandemic to end will be able to gather en masse and pack into venues to watch live music and I’m looking forward to that renewed normalcy. Normal meaning that I buy my ticket, go to the show and then bail less than half-way through because some irrational intrusive thought drives me to leave.

What a privilege it will be to avoid crowds for illogical reasons again. Instead of worrying about lung damage or potential death, I can instead go back to my old concerns; Imagined scenarios such as “what if Al-Qaeda decides to invade the scene and take hostages.” Or perhaps my old fear that I would slip on an ice cube, rip my pants, and shit myself in fear.

Hell, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy or elaborate. It will be nice to just be standing and line and suddenly have a good ole’ fashioned wave of “everybody hates me.”

Let me tell you though, as soon as this pandemic ends, oh boy am I ready to start making excuses to leave early again.

“I think I left the stove on.” It’s a classic line and I sell it really well because as soon as I even think about saying it I start compulsively thinking “Oh my God, did I?” Then I just sit back and let the pit in my stomach deepen until my chest felt tight. It doesn’t even matter if I cook before the show! Images of me accidentally brushing the stove and somehow igniting the flame without noticing flood my mind and it’s off I go, chastising myself with mental jabs of “You WOULD do something like that you fucking asshole” the whole way home!

Now I can always check if the stove is on because I never leave my house. I hate it.

Sometimes I don’t even have to lie though. When I say I miss my dogs that’s actually 100% true and I would totally love to be at home cuddling with Checkers and Dick. At least when they touch me it’s 100% consensual, unlike those weird dudes who touch your hips to move you out of the way as they move through the crowd. Come to think of it, maybe not all of my crowd anxieties are illogical.

Regardless, I’m ready to pay my $40, put on the T-shirt of my favorite band, and then only watch the opening bands play before the crowds get too big. I want that to be my choice though, not some stupid virus’s.

Aging Punk Swears Egg Whites and Elmer’s Glue Best Way to Keep Penis Hard

Posted on January 22, 2021 by Josh Klasco

LAKEWOOD, Calif. — Aging punk Lilo Omed claimed today that the best way to keep his penis erect is not by consuming over-the-counter pills, but with a mixture of egg whites and Elmer’s glue.

“I can’t fucking believe how many of these so-called punks go like pigs to the trough whenever Big Pharma rings the erection bell,” said Omed while finishing off a six-pack of beer. “I’ve always had a DIY attitude, and that’s never more apparent than when it’s time to smash. I don’t need to plan for sex four hours in advance — I just rub my crank with a mixture of egg whites and Elmer’s glue, then blow-dry it out until it hardens in the shape I want, and it fucking works! In the dark, if you ignore the smell, you can’t tell the difference between my dick and a steel rod.”

Lizi Zakena has been hooking up with Omed for nearly two decades, and reported that Omed’s technique is a great way to “stay punk” and “keep the fire alive” in the bedroom he shares with two other people.

“Back when we were younger, Lilo would get hard as granite anytime I gave a cop the finger, but unfortunately, age has mellowed us both. We’ve both had to adapt so we can perform sexually — he has his routine, and I keep a jar of spit I by the bed that’s the best lube in the game,” said Zakena. “So many of our friends got hooked on Levitra years ago, but you can’t be fucking punk if you’re sucking down pills from Big Pharma. Lilo’s technique is the way to go. My doctor says we need to stop doing it this way because a lot of the glue melts inside me and it’s creating a ‘massive, never-before-seen blockage that will kill me within two years,’ but I’ve never listened to doctors before, and I won’t start now.”

However, Zayn Saruf, a former Bad Brains roadie who owns a vegan wax company, claimed people like Omed are total posers.

“How can you call yourself punk if you’re bringing the slaughterhouse into your sex life?” objected Saruf. “Egg whites and glue is poser shit, even if you are fighting Pfizer. I make a line of extra stiff-drying wax just for exactly this purpose. All you have to do is coat your johnson in the wax, and then use a hot straightening iron to mold it into whatever shape you want for the evening’s events. Maybe you get burned a little, but scars are punk as shit.”

Omed and Zakena were last seen rushing to the hospital with salmonella and third-degree burns, respectively, which both agreed was “pretty fucking punk.”

Oh No: They Removed Donald Trump From Home Alone 2 But Accidentally Replaced Him With Pol Pot

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Alright so we have some very good news and some very bad news. Let’s just… let’s start with the good news.

Obviously, millions of Americans came together to vote Donald Trump out of the White House, defeating racism once and for all, but that wasn’t the only place where we were able to push out the evils of his fascist ideals. Some incredibly crafty video editor (whose name we’re not sure of) was able to FINALLY fix the iconic film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York so that Trump does not appear in his scene anymore. What an absolute KING (or Queen or whatever they go by — again, we didn’t really have time to look up who did the video, we just ripped it from Reddit). As content creators, we love watching Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and now we can finally enjoy it without having to witness that cruel reminder to the time that our country was shrouded in darkness.

OK, so… on to the bad news.

Unfortunately, there seems to have been some mixup with After Effects or something because… listen, there’s no easy way to say this… somehow in the scene where Donald Trump speaks Macalay Culkin’s character Kevin to direct him to the lobby of the Plaza Hotel… Donald Trump has been replaced with former ruthless Cambodian dictator Pol Pot.

Now as a pop culture news website, we felt it necessary to try to assess whether this was a positive, negative, or neutral change to the film. On one hand, Pol Pot led over one of the most brutal crimes against humanity in our planet’s history. According to historians, upwards of 1.8 million people died as a result of his totalitarian rule. On the other hand, you know, Trump was pretty crappy! I think we can all agree there… Hell, Pol Pot is even a POC, so you know…

You know what, actually, this is a really bad idea. I think we’re just gonna end the article here. The movie (sorry, but again, if anyone knows who made this thing, please feel free to tweet at us or something and we’ll do our best to credit the editor one day down the line or something — maybe in a correction in a few months) is available on YouTube to watch for free and you’re more than welcome to draw your own conclusions.

Hopefully one day we can get the version of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York that we all deserve: the one where Donald Trump is replaced with Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda.

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Nice! This Depression Drug’s Side Effect List Has a Couple Fun Ones

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Ryan Harnedy

Dude, sick! Local reports are coming in that this bro Darren Serling got diagnosed with depression, which is super bogus, but get this! Our fact-checker dudes are confirming with our source brahs that, while it does not mitigate the seriousness of his diagnosis, it’s pretty sick that some of his drug’s side-effects are the fun ones.

Serling confirmed via Instagram, leaving the following captioned on a shirtless mirror selfie, “Obv, I’m not stoked about the potential anal leakage, though it is an awesome band name and I call dibs. But dizziness, loss of equilibrium, and disorientation? That ain’t nothin’ but a day at Six Flags, baby! I consider it my own personal rollercoaster paid for by Aetna.”

Damn dude, that rules. We’re so bummed we don’t have that.

He added the following in a comment to the original post, “My girlfriend has been making some noise about wanting us to binge all of Downton Abbey so that drowsiness might come in handy! But I kid, I’m sure it’s a great show.”

Serling continued to comment throughout the night. “Dude these things gave me insomnia AND erectile dysfunction. Who needs Adderall when you’re already up all night with no boners?! I should take up guitar. Hell, I should start a band! It’ll probably fail though. Like everything else. Where are those pills?”

At press time, Mr. Serling’s posts were focused on how nausea and butterflies in your stomach are pretty much the same so it’s basically like being in love so it counts as a good one.

Woman Sued for Breaching D.A.R.E. Contract She Signed When She Was Nine

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

NEW YORK — Local woman and D.A.R.E. graduate Claudia Dominic is being sued by the legal team representing the Drug Abuse Resistance Education program today following accusations that the defendant has said “yes” to drugs.

“We feel secure in our lawsuit. She voluntarily took the class, and she signed the contract — we have all the proof in green, sparkly gel pen ink,” said prosecuting lawyer on behalf of D.A.R.E. Moira Briggs. “We thought she was too smart to start, but she didn’t say ‘nope’ and now she is, unfortunately, a dope. We had no choice but to pursue legal action.”

A particularly damning photo shows Dominic toasting a friend with the caption “Birthday Bitch,” just one exhibit of evidence in the case.

“Claudia was a pleasure to have in class. After D.A.R.E., she said, ‘You can count on me to be drug-free.’ Then I see a video of her 20 years later… and you can’t tell what she’s smoking, but no one holds a cigarette like that,” said her former fourth-grade teacher Mrs. Marvin. “18 of her classmates were witnesses the day she signed that contract, and other than that no-good Ryan Chang, I’d bet they’re all willing to testify.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence against her, Dominic is confident she will not face repercussions.

“I was nine when I signed that contract. I couldn’t even keep my Tamagotchi alive. Plus, that D.A.R.E. officer failed to mention that drugs are fun. He grossly misrepresented the effects of drugs,” said the defendant. “Yes, I did a line of coke off the bathroom sink at a Coldplay concert in 2004, and you know what? My brain didn’t sizzle like a sunny-side-up egg. There are way more things that I regret about that night, but drugs aren’t one of them. If I’d known drugs felt so good, I would’ve never signed that contract. They have a case built on nothing. This is ridiculous.”

The lawsuit includes a demand that all D.A.R.E. swag be returned — with a D.A.R.E. T-shirt, sweatband, pencil, bumper sticker, and skateboard keychain among the items listed — all of which Dominic claimed “…are probably still in my mom’s garage, honestly.”

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