Poser Report: Okay, but What if You Found a Way To Fight the Law Where You Can Both Win?

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Theo Konstantino

Hey friendo! I know it’s a bit awk between the police and the public rn, but I have an idea. Umm, what if both sides won??? People like you keep trying (and failing!!) to fight the system, but why can’t we come to a compromise? Instead of viewing this as a situation with “winners” and “gamers” (I don’t like the term “losers”), let’s work together and create a brighter future for all!

There are always two sides to every story. And we’ve all heard your side about how the laws and systems in place cause a direct, observable divide in the quality of life and rights of blah blah blah. But have you considered that the people carrying out inhumane orders on behalf of an unseen authority that views them as mildly helpful insects usually have a ton of paperwork?

For every person who committed a misdemeanor and promptly died in police custody, there is an overworked officer who has a mountain of paperwork in front of him. He’ll spend the rest of the night putting blood-covered pen to blood-covered paper. We all have a price to pay for our actions. Nothing in this world comes free.

Now that we have some much-needed perspective, we can begin to come to a compromise. Perhaps instead of taking to the streets in response to the ever-rising death toll among unarmed citizens, maybe you bake some cookies! Or fly a kite. You should definitely go fly a kite. See? These are positive places we can put our negative emotions.

How about everybody just admit what they did wrong? If the police can admit that they were wrong to… do what they did, can you at least admit you were wrong to be mad at them for doing it? Well, now you’re just being impossible. There’s no winning with you libs!

Punk House Cat Bringing Home Dead Bird Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Household

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Taylor Roebuck

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Punk house staple and eight-year-old tabby cat Fat Vince Neil became the highest contributing member of his household last night by bringing home a dead bird, impressed sources confirm.

“Oh man, that cat rules. I can’t remember the last time anyone brought something home to contribute, let alone something edible,” said John Baker, longtime resident of the Shit House. “Plus, he always covers up his own poop, and just last week he ate his own puke, which is maybe the first time I’ve seen anyone here clean up after themselves. We just might get a little bit of our security deposit back thanks to him. Long live Fat Vince Neil!”

The dead bird is the latest in a long line of contributions from the furry tenant, who has quickly established himself as the most popular roommate in the house.

“Everyone loves that little guy,” said Shit House resident and unofficial guardian of the feline, Dani Song. “He bathes himself every day and almost never pisses in the sink. At least little Fat Vince Neil brings something to the table. And yeah, that something is usually a dead critter, but it’s the thought that counts. That dude Pickle from Bloomington has lived here for months and the only thing he’s ever contributed is bed bugs.”

Animal experts say cats can often surprise their owners with their resilience and reliability.

“Cats can do a lot, from improving morale to keeping rodents and pests under control,” confirmed feline expert Amanda Williams. “Plus, they have cute little bellies that you can rub and little tiny ears you can scratch, which is way more gratifying and emotionally healthy than the majority of time spent with straight human men. Sure, he doesn’t pay any rent, but which of your dumbshit friends can you count on to do so on a regular basis? If I had to guess, I’d say that everyone living with Fat Vince Neil could learn a thing or two about consideration from the little guy.”

Reports show Fat Vince Neil even went one step further last night, calling an Uber for the stray cat he invited to hang out under the dead bush in the backyard.

Deluxe Edition of Board Game Includes Four Friends Willing to Play and Not Bitch the Whole Time

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

LOS ALTOS, Calif. — Astral Plane Games, publisher of the popular worker placement board game Solis Occasum, has released a deluxe edition of the game that contains a handful of prepackaged friends that will not only play the game with you, but who will also agree not to bitch the entire time like some people you know.

“While the mechanics of Solis Occasum remain the same, what we say that was missing from the first edition were people that would be ok sitting through an hour of instructions followed by three hours of confusing, tedious gameplay,” Game Designer Glen Bowman said. “It is not only something our fans asked for, but also something I realized was needed in my own life. It really enhances the game when the people you are playing with aren’t complaining about confusing rules or having to do math.”

While this deluxe edition has been mostly well received, some board game purists see this as cheating.

“Part of the fun of board games is tricking people to come over to your house and then telling them a game isn’t complicated,” board game enthusiast Alison Harrison said. “Providing other players and not having them lose their temper when they can’t grasp the game is all part of the experience. This is just a cash grab by Astral Plane to get non-gamers to buy the game. Solis Occasum isn’t even all that complicated once you grasp the concept of Paleomagnetism.”

Jeffrey Horton, one of the friends included in the pack, explained what he had to do to prepare to become a board gamer fanatic’s friend.

“We went through CIA torture training in order to prepare ourselves for playing these types of games and not break,” Horton said from the furnished basement of his new friend. “Then we were subjected to games like Advanced Squad Leader, Magic Realm, and Campaign for North Africa to prepare ourselves. Solis Occasum should be a cakewalk compared to what I’ve been through.”

Astra Plane has also announced a party game version of Solis Occasum that can be used to trick friends and family into playing the full version of the game.

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Pro-Trump Mob Builds Brand New Police Station

Posted on January 20, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — A sea of Trump supporters with the goal of stopping Joe Biden’s inauguration created chaos by building a fully functional police station just outside the National Mall, shocked sources confirmed.

“We knew we needed to be on high alert because a very angry mob had started to form in the early morning hours swinging the ‘Thin Blue Line’ flag and chanting pro-police state slogans,” said National Guard member Sgt. Eli Omara. “As soon as they brought in pickup trucks full of lumber and bags of cement we knew there was going to be trouble. Within two hours they already had the structure built and fully equipped with electricity. Judging by the floor plan and the overall layout of the design, I do believe a lot of off-duty law enforcement officials were on the build team giving their input. When they finished installing the jail cell bars they all erupted in cheers and I have to admit, in that moment I was rattled.”

One of the protesters who was seen installing gutters on the new building says they will continue to build more police stations until their voices are heard.

“This is just the beginning. We aren’t going to stop until there is a new police station outside of every State House in the country, and if we don’t get what we want we will start building maximum security prisons,” said MAGA enthusiast Clive Trickle. “Every cop here should be thanking us because the high-speed internet we had installed in that bad boy is some of the best in the country, and the breakroom is fully stocked with treats from a local bakery. But on another level, they need to get the fuck out of our way before Biden puts his hand on that Bible or we will murder every cop here.”

Residents of the community with the state of the art police station expressed concern about the future of the neighborhood.

“Police stations are known to attract some of the most unsavory characters in society. Power-hungry racists flock to these buildings in droves, and I don’t want to have to look at this on my way to work every day,” said concerned citizen Desiree O’Keefe. “I don’t like the direction the country is going. It scares me to think that a group of zealots could just start building precincts anywhere they want and then brag about it on Facebook. It makes me sick.”

At press time, National Guard troops were able to disperse the angry crowd by firing high powered T-shirt cannons full of Trump memorabilia and Outback Steakhouse gift cards at protesters.

Punk Celebrates Third Day of Sobriety With a Beer

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Kevin Tit

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk and notable party animal Hilary Jones celebrated her third consecutive day of sobriety yesterday with an ice cold beer, concerned family members confirm.

“It’s been a really tough half of a week, and I deserve to treat myself,” said the 38-year-old restaurant manager. “My doctor put me on medication after diagnosing me with stage 2 hypertension — that was a real wake up call for me to stop drinking 40s for breakfast and get my shit together. I’ve begun taking daily jogs with the morning cigarette to improve my cardio, and changed my diet from three meatball subs a day to only two, plus a club sandwich with lettuce. Staying sober was by far the hardest part of it all, and I owe a lot of what I’ve accomplished to the support of my family and friends. But most of all, I’m just glad it’s over.”

Friends closest to Jones admit they didn’t have much faith in her commitment to the lifestyle change and are pleasantly surprised with her progress.

“Last time she went a day without a drink was when she was put under an induced coma for a week after some pretty severe alcohol poisoning,” explained close friend and fellow punk Matthew Dobbins. “It took a lot of planning to figure out how we were going to change her diet from 7-Eleven taquitos to fruits and vegetables — she had to smoke about an ounce of weed before the stuff looked remotely appetizing. After that breakthrough, we snorted some Adderall to get pumped up for developing any type of cardio routine. It’s really amazing what you can do when you put your mind to things.”

While those close to Jones celebrate these recent accomplishments, her doctor grew more concerned with her health.

“Ms. Jones’ blood pressure levels are worse than ever. I don’t know who told her taking Adderall was a good idea, but she’s managed to take a year off her life in less than a week,” said Dr. Adam Funari. “She needs to quit drinking altogether. No smoking. No 7-Eleven taquitos, and I don’t care and made the effort to switch from a full 12-pack of Mountain Dew a day to a single six-pack of low calorie Diet Mountain Dew like she keeps saying. She has to stop it all.”

Jones and Dobbins were last seen concocting a smoothie containing vitamin gummies, caffeine pills, Jolt cola, and a single banana.

I Didn’t Choose Bass. Bass Chose Me. Because My Two Friends Chose Guitar

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Tom Peters

I’ve always wondered what unseen forces dictate the shape and direction of a life. Are we in control of our destiny? Now, I’m no philosophy major. I didn’t waste my time in college. I majored in dance. And I can say for sure that my path as a bassist was chosen for me, handed down by the universe, in the form of a band that didn’t need any more guitarists. I didn’t choose bass, it chose me. My two friends picked guitar already.

At first, I thought the universe desired more of a third guitarist, and I told my friends that a bunch, but they said that wasn’t really a thing. So I told them the universe doesn’t think we should toe the line and conform to mainstream bullshit standards of band configuration. That’s when they suggested me and the universe start our own band. They also suggested we do some more graphic stuff together but I got the point and picked up that four-stringed hunk of low-end and immediately felt at peace.

I had found my true calling. I spent the next week learning all my favorite songs. I even wrote this really cool riff where you start at the third dot and just move your finger down one square at a time. It’s hard to describe but trust me it rips.

Sometimes I can’t even believe it’s really me up there on stage. Or just off it, depending how much room there is. To tell you the truth, I still feel like an impostor. But at the end of the night, after I’ve loaded out everyone’s gear, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. And as long as I don’t quit or my car doesn’t break down, I know I’m going to be here for a long, long time.

In retrospect, I should’ve called drums.

Pizzeria That Accidentally Spilled Bud Light on Pizza Just Calling It “Florida Style”

Posted on January 20, 2021 by Ted Pillow

RALEIGH, N.C. — Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria unveiled a new “Florida-style” pizza yesterday after an employee accidentally spilled a lukewarm Bud Light on a BBQ chicken pie, according to several horrified sources.

“Our ‘Florida-style’ pizza gives customers a mouthwatering taste of the Sunshine State!” bragged Sal Golino, owner of Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria. “Ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Some dumbass teen was drinking on the job and he dropped his beer onto some poor schmuck’s pie. Believe it or not, now we’ve got people coming in here begging for more. We ran out of Bud Light yesterday, but it turns out all you need to brew it yourself is some expired Mountain Dew and a bottle of baby aspirin.”

Customers were lined up around the block for a slice of Uncle Sal’s new creation, many of them former Floridians.

“This pizza is absolutely delicious!” customer Roddy Duggan exclaimed through a mouthful of BBQ chicken, cheese, and room-temperature Bud Light. “I grew up in Orlando and this slice really brings me back. People think you can’t get good pizza in Florida, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Uncle Sal knows that Southeastern pizza should be tangy, fizzy, sticky, and, most of all, absolutely sopping wet. Just like grandma used to make!”

Foodie culture has increased the recognition of different regional cuisines, particularly when it comes to pizza.

“For years, people thought New York was the only place in the U.S. with good pizza,” explained food blogger Willa Thompson. “However, unique pizza styles from Chicago, Detroit, and California have all become very popular in recent years. But Bud Light poured onto pizza? That’s just wrong. And what’s with the presentation? Mine was served all mashed up in a red Solo cup and came with one of those glowstick necklaces, for fuck’s sake. We need to take a stand against this shit. Also, I’ve had like 11 of them and I’m barely even drunk.”

Uncle Sal’s Pizzeria is also offering a new “Florida-style” stuffed crust option after a mishap involving pizza dough and an entire carton of Marlboro Reds.

Trump Grants Jeffrey Epstein Posthumous Pardon

Posted on January 19, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

WASHINGTON — Making full use of his last full day in office, President Donald Trump announced a posthumous pardon of his former friend and “total stranger,” convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

“Look, nobody’s perfect, but Jeff was a phenomenal guy. I, of course, never met him once, I never even spoke to him or looked at him… but had I met him, and I never did, I would say he was a great man. A really really smart guy. Harvard graduate!” Trump said at a press briefing this morning. “Jeffrey was the kind of guy who would always help you move. He was young at heart. He always had the best stories at parties. ”

The announcement was met with intense backlash, as many feel Epstein’s actions to be disgusting and tasteless beyond redemption.

“It is unforgivable that the president has chosen to use his final day to honor a monster,” Senator Chuck Schumer said in response. “When the Senate reconvenes, I will be taking firm action in declaring this as an official No Bueno. Of course, that’s assuming we can get our Republican colleagues to agree and vote on it.”

Despite this, some Democrats have insisted that the pardon is simply part of the president’s duties and that he should have full control over who he wants to give them to.

“I think that Trump represented a great evil and that we need to begin working towards healing our nation, but the only way to do that is by admitting when he has done something that isn’t so bad,” said former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a web video, her husband Bill Clinton awkwardly walking around behind her as if looking for a place to sit. “There’s a lot of bad things you can say about Jeffrey Epstein, but there’s also a lot of good. He was a terrific wedding guest, for example. Very few people know that side of him, but I do, because we attended several together.”

At press time, Trump revealed that he had pardoned Epstein, in part, to relieve himself of some guilt that he felt about Epstein’s suicide. “I know it’s not true,” he reportedly said to Vice President Mike Pence, “but sometimes I feel like I killed Jeffrey Epstein.”

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The Best Aphex Twin Albums for Clawing Your Way Out of a K Hole

Posted on January 19, 2021 by Tim Sheard

So, you decided to dabble with some ketamine. I really can’t blame you. Sorry horses, Ket isn’t just for you anymore! Some of my dealers say it can even be therapeutic in the right circumstances and I think we could all use some therapy right about now.

In moderation, ketamine can be a mind-elevating experience that provides both enjoyment and perspective. Too bad you did way too much and now you’re stuck in a vicious, mind-melting K-Hole. Oh well. Here are some Aphex Twin albums to help you claw your way back into your corporeal shell:

Come To Daddy – As you float above your numb body thinking to yourself, “this is never going to end,” this 1997 EP/mini-album will grab you out of the æther and throw you back to earth. But don’t expect a soft landing! The album’s raw industrial sound will literally jolt you back to life. Careful, though. If you end up having flashbacks to the titular song’s horrifying music video, this choice could really backfire.

Drukqs – At a whopping 100 minutes long, Aphex Twin’s 2001 two-disc album is the perfect choice for a gradual return to reality. But since basically all of the song titles are in the Cornish language and the album title is next to unpronounceable, you may have trouble getting Alexa to understand your slurred, tranquilizer-addled request.

Selected Ambient Works 85-92 – The one that started it all is also the best one for ending it all. Ending your K-hole, that is. The debut album of Aphex Twin provides cerebral, melodic tracks that are perfect for lugging your liquified body back to the mortal plane. Make sure to turn it off once you’re back though. This album will definitely make you want to do more ketamine.

Band’s Bassist of Six Years Getting Closer & Closer to Being Added to Group Chat

Posted on January 19, 2021 by Zach Raffio

CROTON-ON-HUDSON, N.Y. — Robby Danter, bassist and devoted member of local band The Tennis Court Oath for the past six years and counting, is optimistic he’s getting closer and closer to being added to the band’s group text chat.

“We’re not just a band — these guys are my best friends. They’re closer to me than family,” noted Danter, who has picked up each of the band member’s loved ones from the airport at least once. “I know with each passing day, I’m getting closer to getting my name in that chat — and not just with my number or something like ‘Rubby – Bass Player’ as the contact. It’s gonna be just my first name, and spelled correctly, like friends do. I’m going to be ready with some hilarious gifs and Youtube links that will knock their dicks in the dirt.”

Danter foolishly believed he’d be added to the chat when he first joined the band, but his bandmates quickly let him know that admission was not something they took lightly.

“His bass lines are crisp, and he’s a ton of fun on stage, but this guy is a bass player. If anyone found out we had a bassist in the group chat we’d be the laughingstock of the scene,” stated the band’s lead singer Brendan Jurcturbz, who kept getting distracted due to all the killer memes in the chat. “And the group chat is pretty stacked as is. We have the three other band members, our roadie, at least two Uber Eats drivers that were particularly good at delivering our food warm, and then like, seven other random people whose numbers I don’t have saved in my phone. I’m not exactly sure where Robby fits in.”

The band’s devoted fanbase — which includes about two dozen students at an upstate SUNY college and absolutely nobody else — were surprisingly tuned in to the ongoing will-they/won’t-they.

“They just have such great chemistry. I’m sure one day they’ll take that tangible, deep connection and translate it to a cell phone medium,” said fan Garrett Leslie, who has been in the band’s group chat for eight months. “Robby’s really missing out. Like, last week, the drummer and I were doing this bit where… ah actually, nevermind. Uh, you had to be there,” he added after noting Danter peeking from behind a curtain.

Danter managed to successfully infiltrate the group chat by adding himself under the name “Cool Sound Guy From Philly.” However, his ruse quickly ended after realizing he had only joined the decoy group the band created for extra security.

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