Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Can’t Wait for Directionless, Improvised, Five-Hour-Long Grateful Dead Biopic

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Richard Circuit

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local deadhead Patrick Thames expressed excitement over Martin Scorsese’s upcoming biopic of the Grateful Dead which is expected to be mostly improvised, completely directionless, and way longer than it needs to be, friends of the tye-dye enthusiast confirmed.

“I’m hoping they start with Jerry’s childhood, then slip into his early bluegrass stuff, then into his mid-30s for a bit before seamlessly going back into Jerry’s childhood for like eight more minutes,” said Thames, 54, to no one in particular. “I’ve been scouring the forums, and most of the diehard theorists think it’s gonna be childhood, Woodstock, addiction, Red Rocks, diabetes, then back to an epic childhood jam. I’m okay with that, as long as they take a break in the middle to show a random assortment of trippy stock images over a soundtrack of unintelligible screeches.”

Thames’ friend, Gary Farber, is just as enthusiastic about the release, going as far as setting his itinerary for opening night.

“You know I’ll be at the theatre at midnight with my tape recorder, waiting to make an unlistenable copy of the movie’s sound. I’ll have to show up early so I can make sure I score a ticket in the theatre lot,” said Farber, 80, as he added beads to a neon vest. “I heard they’re filming the whole thing in one take on a random night in the woods of upstate New York. Then they’re just gonna release it unedited, no matter the quality of the audio or video. So authentic.”

For five years, director Martin Scorcese has been preparing for this project, immersing himself in the creative process of the band.

“I have spent four years doing acid on a bus, and then the past twelve months working myself up to go out there and wing it,” said Scorcese, who landed the gig after Steven Spielberg was fired for writing a script and ruining the movie’s spontaneity. “We were able to get Jonah Hill for pretty cheap because we’re only filming for five hours total. He’s been getting ready by doing absolutely no research so he can really make it up on the spot.”

At press time, a local Velvet Underground fan turned off the trailer for new documentary after realizing it didn’t even blow out his TV speakers.

Now That Britney’s Free, What Should My Next Thing Be?

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Brooks Gray

On November 12, 2021, Britney Spears became free. For leaders of the #FreeBritney movement like me, 11/12 was our 9/11, except in reverse. November 12 was the day a disaster was undone and the twin towers of Britney’s dignity and autonomy were resurrected. Okay cool. Now, what should my next thing be?

For years, I poured my heart and soul into the cause. I posted thousands of times on Instagram, designing and selling Free Britney merch, and even strongly considering going to law school to help destroy the evils of conservatorship. So now that’s it’s over, what should I throw my entire identity into next?

The Captivity of Britney was a long and traumatic 14 years for Britney Spears and, honestly, for me. I lived, breathed, and posted through all of it to the detriment of my emotional and professional well-being. Day and night I fought for my queen online, insisting that Brit should have the freedom to go to In-N-Out Burger, see her children, or sign a deal for a lucrative Las Vegas residency without her father’s permission.

But life goes on and there are many other worthy causes that could use an identity-less social shapeshifter like me. Criminal justice reform, equal rights, and anti-gun violence are all good causes, but if I’m honest with myself, these issues lack a certain je ne sais quoi compared to rescuing the Princess of Pop from her gilded cage.

These days, I scroll through social media tirelessly in search of a cause. That is until I realized something about myself. Life is not basing my life around a movement. I need to be an individual and think for myself. And to me, personally, I can’t live in a world where Jason Momoa doesn’t fork over every cent to my goddess Lisa Bonet. #TeamBonet

Lighting Guy Resents Being Mistaken For Sound Guy

Posted on February 2, 2022 by Marie Cartier

OAKLAND, Calif. — Nick Takanaka, the resident lighting technician at The Corner, is reportedly nearing his breaking point after being constantly mistaken for the venue’s decrepit, incompetent sound guy, sources close to the gaffer’s tape enthusiast confirmed.

“I put alot of effort into making this place a great experience for the performers and audience with the limited resources I have,” said Takanaka, while attempting to untangle and coil a haphazard pile of XLR cables. “I sourced and installed a whole new grid of color-changing LEDs in preparation for our reopening. And I’m able to program the lights in real-time with the performances, creating some pretty trippy effects. So when someone asks me why there’s still a constant buzz in the speakers or why any amount of bass creates a rattling sound, it takes a few years off my life. People don’t care enough about techs to know that the buzz problem is (Dirk) Hannigan’s job. He barely does a soundcheck and I don’t think he’s even ever set up a monitor.”

Even frequent performers and patrons do not seem to be able to distinguish between lighting and sound roles at the venue.

“Nick’s lighting makes my band’s videos look sick when I post them on Instagram. I’ll always ‘accidentally’ upload videos with no sound because people would assume it’s our fault that our instruments sound like we are playing inside an underwater garbage truck, ” said musician and person-smoking-a-spliff-outside Abby Ortega. “Whenever I ask him to fix the sound he freaks out and screams that it’s ‘not his fucking problem.’ I’ve tried bringing my own sound guy, but a random dude in a tactical vest pulled a knife on him and told him to stay away from the soundboard.”

Though Takanaka insists that Dirk Hannigan is particularly unreliable, it seems that the “sound guy problem” extends well beyond one venue.

“We’re seeing increasing stratification in pay and skill level in the sound field lately,” reported UC Berkeley Stagecraft professor Kate Wilson. “There is a huge disconnect between the skills needed for quality sound engineering, and what most people are willing to pay. In this environment, a sound tech with rudimentary skills can make himself indispensable in exchange for minimum wage and beer. I think it’s because so many people get confused by the whole input versus output thing.”

At press time, Hannigan had caused a sudden evacuation of the venue due to ear-splitting feedback that he was trying to fix with one hand while lighting a cigarette.

Into the Wild 2? This Woman Just Turned off Her Phone

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

Are we looking at the next “Into the Wild?” San Diego woman, Courtney Woodridge, has felt a strong connection to Chris McCandless since first watching Into the Wild last week. Venturing into the unknown with nothing but a rucksack and a positive attitude, Chris made a brave decision to travel in search of himself. Just like Courtney who, in an identical parallel, has turned off her phone.

“His story is really inspiring and I think the journey he went on should be followed,” Courtney posted shortly before venturing into her own unknown. “It’s an ideology I can really get behind, and watching his story made me realize how similar we are in spirit.”

When asked what specific parallels she can draw between herself and McCandless, Courtney reflected that she is also looking to get in touch with her true self. Plus, she also listens to a lot of Pearl Jam and has been on a bus.

We were interested to learn more about what preparations Courtney has taken. In her final Instagram pic, she had only a packed bag with warm clothes, three paperback books, and a two-bedroom townhome with every possession she’s owned since childhood.

A local bartender reported that Courtney sat at the bar last night, sans-phone, talking to fellow partons in an attempt to become one with nature. To those who doubt her, Courtney graciously understands. “This lifestyle isn’t for everyone and I don’t expect people to understand why someone would choose to live a more natural, primitive life.”

Courtney concluded her final post to state on record that changing her name to “Anastasia Sugartits” was a separate decision that had nothing to do with “Into the Wild.”

Cop Can’t Tell Difference Between Spit in Beyond Meat and Spit in Real Meat

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Tony Morse

DENVER — Local police officer, and unknowing swallower of other people’s spit, Dale Martin admitted he wasn’t able to tell the difference between his normal saliva-drenched order of KFC nuggets and their new plant-based Beyond nuggets, snickering sources confirmed.

“I was skeptical at first, but these new plant nuggets taste exactly like the chicken I’ve been served here for years,” said Martin between mammoth bites of the carefully prepared food. “They have the same crispy skin with the slimy bits that taste like tobacco and energy drinks. There was a time I thought I was done eating fast food, every time I ate out I would find about a dozen pieces of hair in my burger. I haven’t had that issue with KFC, they run a tight ship. That’s why I plan on bringing my kids here if I’m ever allowed unsupervised visits with them again.”

Night manager Denny Taylor confirmed the popularity of the new menu offering among law enforcement professionals.

“Cop after cop comes in here asking for the new special,” the seasoned Chef de Cuisine shared between a phlegmy smoker’s cough and a long pull from his Red Bull. “We always give them something special, but I wouldn’t call it new. As a matter of fact, I’ve been sourcing the same secret ingredients from my chronic sinus infections and stubborn bronchitis for years. We’ve got this one new cook who dips Coppenhagen, and he can regularly hack up plump throat oysters with the consistency of uncooked egg whites. Talented guy, but I’m still teaching him how to spot cops out of uniform. Avenged Sevenfold t-shirts and visible signs of steroid use are always dead giveaways.”

Food scientist Franz Fassbinder discussed the considerable effort that went into creating a product he believes will dramatically reduce humanity’s carbon footprint.

“People all over the country are eating less meat to reduce their carbon footprint and that actually includes a lot of police officers,” said Fassbinder. “We worked hard to find the correct cooking temperature so the nuggets absorb the snot and sputum properly. We gave test samples to thousands of jackbooted piggies to make sure none of them could taste the difference. Once we got the temp right, none of them believed it was synthetic meat. This will allow hard-working fast-food employees to continue spitting with impunity.”

At press time, Officer Martin was at the bar drinking a Coors that appeared much more yellow than usual.

So You’ve Quit Drinking? Here’s How To Start Again

Posted on February 1, 2022 by James Knapp

It’s been over a year and you’ve been crushing your sobriety. Over twelve straight months without a drop of alcohol has led to improvements in your physical and mental health along with a stunning lack of near-death situations. Congrats! Now you’re ready for the next step in your sobriety: Relapsing!

Taking a metaphorical nosedive into a distillery vat is just part of the recovery process. But what about all the drinking knowledge you likely forgot since quitting? Fortunately, we’re here to help!

Remember How Easy it Was to Quit the Last Time
You remember when you quit, right? Quitting cold turkey lasted three days before you caved and wound up in a full-blown bender. Then came the months and months of decreasing your use before finally stopping entirely. That is until you lost out on that promotion and you said “fuck it,” leading to a relapse that ultimately got you fired and caused the end of your relationship. And then finally quitting for the long haul. You remember how easy that was, right? Exactly! You can quit again, no sweat! So pick up that bottle!

Don’t Start Small
It might be tempting, when trying to start drinking again, to just dip your toe back into the alcoholic well. Maybe have a glass of chardonnay with dinner or a tasteful kamikaze while reading Proust. But don’t buy into all that “moderation” bullshit, come back with a boom! Go to your favorite bar and close the fucking place down. Ask for their cheapest whiskey and then drink them dry.

Remember, Liquor Before Beer… if You’re A Coward
Don’t listen to that old nonsense about “liquor before beer.” When you were a raging drunk, you could drink whatever the fuck you wanted whenever the fuck you wanted. Your body is probably still up for the task. The same goes for how much you can drink and how fast you can drink it too. If you used to be able to stomach taking a handle to the face within the span of an hour, then you owe it to yourself to go for it! Otherwise, you’re just moving backward and that’s the last thing you want to do while relapsing.

Screamo Band Not The Same Since Therapy

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Sean Peecook

PHILADELPHIA — Local screamo legends, Angel, played an uncharacteristically mellow and peaceful set in their first show since attending EMDR therapy, shocked members of the hardcore scene confirmed.

“I’m happy they’re getting the help they need, but how am I supposed to mosh to this Burt Bacharach shit?” said longtime member of the scene, Barry Cahn, who noted that the amps were set to alarmingly reasonable levels. “They’re not shrieking and breaking things anymore, and I’m pretty sure they changed the lyrics to this one song from ‘leave me suffocating on a pool of blood, I will never make you happy,’ to ‘my love for you makes me want to die… that’s why we should take some space to process. All the best!’ I mean, it sounds like they’re doing well as people, but this shit really sucks now.”

Close friend of the band Eric Giardi struggles to remain positive as the group learns to channel their anger into more constructive outlets than pounding on drums and yelling.

“One show they led the crowd in self-soothing exercises, another they performed an acoustic set complete with piano accompaniment. None of the other bands want to open for daily affirmations,” said a frustrated Giardi. “They don’t listen to me anymore, they only listen to that counselor Jan. They’re trying to book a tour but at this rate no one is going to pay $6 to watch some guy sip tea and talk about attachment styles in relationships and effective communication.”

Rebranding their band to “mindfulcore,” the band has stopped singing about topics like death, consumerism and heartbreak altogether.

“That harsh screaming was simply my wounded ego talking. It was immature. With the help of Dr. Jan, I’ve finally processed my breakup from 2003,” said lead singer Tor Deighton. “Honestly, I don’t feel the need to yell at all anymore ever since I realized anger is just the fear of being unheard. I don’t need to howl, I need to forgive my father. And the next time I feel like screaming, I’m going to take two deep breaths and pick up the phone instead, just like Dr. Jan says.”

At showtime, fans of local jam band, Velvet Babies, said that the band has not been the same ever since being mandated to drug court.

Woman Keeps Accidentally Running Into Ex at Bar He’s Worked at Since 2017

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Dianne Nora

SEATTLE – Gail Glover has had the repeated misfortune of accidentally running into her ex-boyfriend Joel Buckner at McGregor’s Brewpub, the bar he’s worked at since 2017, according to multiple sources who continually beg her to drink somewhere else.

“This is so my luck, to be unable to avoid Joel almost every time I grab a drink at McGregor’s, which is conveniently only a few miles out of the way of my apartment,” Glover said, discreetly snapping a photo of the bar’s staff schedule on her phone. “I’m totally over him, like, I hardly even fantasize about him these days—I can’t even remember the names I’d picked out for our future children before he ended things. Actually, it might have been me who called things off. Hard to say, because I’m so chill about it. It’s just a super cool, chill memory that I have completely repressed from my consciousness.”

Buckner confirmed he has seen Glover at his place of employment with increasing regularity over the past several months, though he does not recall seeing her there before the two met.

“Gail doesn’t even like beer, she has a gluten thing and it really messes up her stomach. It’s not like we have much in terms of cocktails here, so I’m not really sure why she hangs around so much,” Buckner said, lowering his voice to avoid Glover overhearing him. “It’s getting kind of intense. I think she’s under the impression my coworker Janine and I are dating now, because Gail saw us talking one night after work, and the next day someone had slashed Janine’s tires.”

Relationship counselor Danielle Greer advised her clients that frequent run-ins with a former fling can be a sign that things between you are unresolved.

“Surveys have shown that many relationships include some breaks that might not be permanent, particularly when the couple lives in the same neighborhood, or if both parties just aren’t hot enough to find someone new,” Greer confirmed. “If you’re hoping to re-kindle things with a former flame, I recommend making it clear that you have no other prospects, and that while you might not have been willing to settle before, the new you is so defeated by the lack of suitable potential mates that you’ll put up with just about anything. Nothing is more relatable than someone owning the fact that they’ve completely given up.”

At press time, Glover was mortified to run into Buckner walking his dog across the street from his apartment, where she had coincidentally spent the night camped out in her Civic with a pair of binoculars.

Hopeful Idiot Certain Guitar Lessons Will Pay for Themselves

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Brooks Gray

TAMPA, Fla. – 36-year-old freelance Data Entry Technician, Albert Boychuk, made the decision to invest in guitar lessons after buying his first guitar, and expects the initial expense to be far exceeded by his future earnings as a professional musician, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I picked up my cousin’s guitar at a family gathering last week, and it felt so good in my hands,” said Boychuk. “The next day I bought a brand new Gibson Slash J-45, which I can’t really afford, but in another sense, I couldn’t afford not to buy it. I could waste away in an office job or I could be on the big stage ripping off huge solos and making people lose their fucking minds. It sounds crazy, but I know that playing music is my true calling, and I figure if I can find the right teacher to give me a few pointers, it could lead to massive success down the road. I bet by this time next year I’ll be doing some studio work, and then the stadium tours will follow.”

Local guitar instructor, Emilio Esterhas, reported that Mr. Boychuk approached him about lessons, but has not yet decided to take him on as a student.

“I explained to Albert that I only teach advanced players. I told him to sell that J-45, get a used Yamaha and start with some guitar basics you can find on YouTube, then call me in like, five to ten years,” said Esterhas. “He laughed at me and said in two years I’ll be begging him for lessons. Guys like that normally quit after the first two lessons. If he really wants to pay me $75 dollars an hour to teach him how to play an open D chord, who am I to argue with him?”

A&R representative for EMI, Lori Chowdhury warned against the self-delusion that a career in music is a realistic outcome.

“No offense, but a balding man with crooked teeth would have been a million-to-one shot to make it in 1972, let alone 2022, and that’s assuming top-level talent,” said Chowdhury, “Rightly or wrongly, breaking into the music business these days means being young, hot, and having a TikTok and Instagram presence in the millions before anyone will take you even semi-seriously. Anyway, I wish the guy all the best on his musical journey, but if he shows up at my office with a demo I will instruct security to break his hands.”

At press time, Boychuk was seen in a heated argument with a customer service rep in the returns department at Guitar Center.

5 Flirty Ways To Let Your Captor Know You Have Stockholm Syndrome

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Look at them over there, lookin’ all cute holding a gun to a bank teller’s head. You can’t stop thinking about them as the rope scratches the skin on your tied-up wrists. And you didn’t even think you were into that kind of thing! Well, you weren’t. Until now. You’ve gotta make your move before the SWAT team busts in, but you can’t be too forward about it. That’s why you’re gonna use these 5 flirty ways to let him know you’ve developed full-blown Stockholm Syndrome.

Eye Contact
You might find it hard to meet the gaze of the person you’re destined to be with. But there’s no better way to communicate that you’ve been bound in itchy rope for so long that you have lost the ability to differentiate between a heartfelt emotional connection and being held against your will.

Laugh at Their Jokes
The other hostages might not think your ski-masked captor is funny, but you know better! These dum-dums just don’t get his wry humor like when he shot that security guard in the stomach and let him bleed out while pleading for help that would never come. It’s just too edgy for these snowflakes, I guess! Just make sure your laugh doesn’t sound forced or desperate. Have some chill.

Touch Your Hair a Lot
We won’t lie, the power imbalance between you and your captor may have pushed you beyond your understanding of the nature of your relationship. But sex appeal sells, so use it!

Offer the Other Captives as a Sacrifice to the One Who Slumbers Below Ice
You learned this flirty little trick when you were in that Eldritch cult so this one may be scenario specific. But hey, it’s worth a shot!

Write Them a Little Note
If all else fails, put your thoughts down on one of the hundred dollar bills that are now littering the air like confetti after a misplaced explosive destroyed the bank vault door along with everything inside it. Use the resulting panic of your captor to assure him that you can provide a stable life once this all blows over.

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