Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Nickelodeon Executives Still Use Old Legends of the Hidden Temple Set for Ritual Sacrifices

Posted on March 13, 2022 by David Arriaga

ORLANDO, Fla. — An alarming new report revealed that Nickelodeon executives have been using the set of ‘90s game show “Legends of The Hidden Temple” for ritual sacrifices designed to appease the gods of children’s entertainment.

“Back when the show was airing, we always had a seventh sacrificial team of kids that we edited out of the final show. This would set us up for a strong ratings ‘harvest.’ Plus, we could feed the scraps to Olmec. So it was a win-win,” said David Bittler Sr. VP at Nickelodeon. “These days Nick murders interns. We pick a random corporate buzzword and the first one to say it gets dragged to the altar by the temple guards. This week’s phrase is “at the end of the day.’”

Considering the traumatic events, very few of “The Legend of The Hidden Temple” contestants actually remember being on the show.

“The whole thing was a blur. First, They locked us in a waiting room for hours with the temple guards. They would chant something about sacrifice for the greater good and honorable death,” claimed former contestant Ely Kreimendahl. “Then during the game, as I slid the head onto the silver monkey idol I swear I could hear screaming and saw blood dripping out of Olmec’s eyes. Finally, I remembered one of the temple guards grabbing my shoulder before relinquishing and saying ‘this is not the one’ before offering me a gift certificate for a free pair of British Knights sneakers.”

Mike Lazzo, former Executive VP of Adult Swim explained that this is a common practice in the TV industry.

“I know how it might sound, but it’s pretty standard to boost ratings with a ritual blood sacrifice,” said Lazzo. “Unless you’ve been in the live audience for ‘Price is Right’ you’d have never heard the sound of a losing contestant’s bones being crushed into dust by the big wheel. Over at Adult Swim, we practice a more ethical ego death by force-feeding all the unpaid staff members a potent cocktail of psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca.”

In related news, Orlando police officers were horrified recently upon discovering over 46 malnourished former contestants of ‘Nick Arcade’ that had been trapped inside a video game cabinet for the past 30 years.

Oh You’re My Ex? Name Three Imagined Arguments I’ve Won In My Head Since Our Totally Mutual Breakup

Posted on March 13, 2022 by James Knapp

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. So you’re my ex, huh? You’re the person I’ve been obsessively constructing imagined conversations with where I regularly and soundly eviscerate the position I’ve made you take knowing that it’s flawed and not something you would have ever said in real life. Can you even name three times I delivered the perfect comeback while you just stand reflecting on what a mistake you made leaving me?

Of course you can’t! It’s ridiculous that you would even claim that you’re my ex and that you’re only talking to me now because “you’re worried for my mental health.” Well, that’s not what you said the other day when I imagined that I successfully convinced you that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you and all your friends are just out to get me. And that’s not even a deep cut, you’re pathetic.

Sure, you claim I’ve been leaving you non-stop voicemails and occasionally mailing dead cats to your sister’s house, but if you were really my ex then you’d know that our breakup was totally mutual and also that I am hot and good at sex. Also, the cats weren’t dead when I put them in the mail so tell Beth she can blame the post office for that one.

Like do you even know how stupid you sound? You actually tell me that you’re my ex but then can’t name one time I’ve destroyed your argument that I’m “acting irrationally” and instead made you understand that selling all of your grandmother’s jewelry to invest in NFTs was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

And yes, I do see that you have a box full of shirts that I left at your place with you, but just cause you’ve got some merch doesn’t prove that we were ever in a relationship. And I’m sure I’ll be able to convince you of that as well — I just need a few days to think about it from every angle first, manipulate every aspect and construct a straw man position for you which I can easily tear apart.

Insomniac Stoked to Have One Less Hour of No Sleep

Posted on March 13, 2022 by Amanda Russel

NEW YORK — Local insomniac Mike Robinson is celebrating the annual Daylight Savings tradition because he will have one less hour in the day to suffer through while trying desperately to fall asleep, confirmed sources close to the man who hasn’t had a decent nights rest in over a year.

“I’m gonna have so much more energy until November, or at least the next two days until my body gets used to the switch,” said the bleary-eyed Robinson. “This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m running out of things to do at night. I’ve watched almost everything on Netflix. Every single show, including the Canadian shows that absolutely nobody has heard of or wants to watch. I get pretty good at killing time every year but by the time spring forward rolls around I’m getting pretty fuckin’ bored. What happens after I run out of TV to watch and video games to play? I’ve beaten all my games more than five times each. This is a welcome relief. I wish we could lose another hour next week.”

Robinson’s roommate Theo Lowry could not be more stoked on Robinson’s behalf.

“This is exactly what Mike needs right now. I’m hoping this can break the cycle and give both of us some relief,” said Lowry while lighting some candles in hopes it will relax his friend. “He’s not even a considerate insomniac. He’s up all night banging around the house, playing guitar, cooking, watching TV, and laughing super loud at episodes of ‘Peep Show’ like he’s the first guy to know about it. Sometimes he has people over. He threw a full-ass party one time at three in the morning. I’m getting sick of it, to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can stand living with him. You would think he would get headphones by now, but no.”

Dr. Janet Angoure, a sleep specialist, explained that this is the time of year when insomniacs are absolutely living their best lives.

“With that one less hour of no sleep insomniacs are going to see themselves blossom into fully functioning members of society. They can expect to be more alert, more ready to take on life’s ups and downs while everyone else is bitching about their mild headache,” said Dr. Angoure. “If you notice more people coming out of their houses bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and able to contribute to society, you can thank the yearly spring forward.”

At press time, a fully refreshed Robinson was planning on returning to his job as a crane operator in downtown Manhattan.

12 Weird Accidents That Made Classic Films

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Hollywood is a dream machine, but dreams take a lot of work. A shocking number of iconic cinematic works have only happened because some weird accident forced filmmakers to adapt. But the soul of artistry is improvisation, which is how these movies became classics.

Jaws: Al Pacino Sprains His Ankle

In 1975, Al Pacino was building some serious career heat. After the double-whammy of “Godfather” and “Godfather Part II,” he was cast as the lead of a film from an up and coming director named Steven Spielberg. But an ankle injury while chasing a rabbit on set forced them to recast, and the title role in “Jaws” ended up going to a mechanical shark named Bruce. History made!

Trainspotting: The Discovery of Opium in 3400 BCE

Way back in the third millennium BCE, an Egyptian farmer named Iry-Hor accidentally scorched some oozing resin from one of the poppy plants he cultivated and got super high. Thousands of years later, boom! Danny Boyle’s heroin chic flick “Trainspotting” is a hit.

Teen Wolf: Michael J. Fox Got Bit

Here’s a wild one: on the set of 1985’s “Teen Wolf,” star Michael J. Fox actually got bit and transformed into a monstrous creature! To be fair, he was bit by a radioactive spider and empowered with the proportional strength of an arachnid, rather than a wolf. The abilities he gained powered him through the grueling shooting schedules of both “Teen Wolf” and “Family Ties,” and helped defeat The Kingpin.

Ascenseur pour l’échafaud: The Cast Thought They Were Supposed to Speak French

This 1963 crime thriller, also known as “Elevator to the Gallows,” was set to begin filming when a script supervisor realized that the cast had accidentally been given French versions of the script. Despite Jeanne Moreau and Maurice Ronet only being able to deliver dialogue phonetically, everyone rolled with it. A New Wave classic was born!

A Better Tomorrow: Chow Yun-Fat Sets His Allowance on Fire

Hong Kong director John Woo was in the habit of keeping one camera rolling at all times on set, and good thing! Otherwise, he never would have caught the moment star Chow Yun-Fat accidentally got his weekly allowance from his parents too close to a lit candle. The following moments of Yun-Fat frantically stamping out the flames and bemoaning that he didn’t get his next allowance till Monday was cut, although it can be found in the 2003 DVD Deleted Scenes.

Casablanca: Some Nazis Wandered on Set

Perhaps the greatest romance in all of cinema, Casablanca was filmed while World War II was still ongoing. So when some Nazi officers wandered onto set while looking for state secrets, director Michael Curtiz simply incorporated them into the plot. Guerilla filmmaking at its finest.

The Matrix: The Wachowskis Got Too Close to The Truth

Remember, it’s a fictional movie. Whatever the Wachowskis stumbled across while filming, it’s just a movie. Watch passively and conserve your energy.

The Godfather: Marlon Brando Showed Up to Set Relatively Prepared

Francis Ford Coppola knew Marlon Brando’s chaotic reputation before filming and was prepared for anything. But nothing could have prepared the crew of “The Godfather” for Brando showing up in shape, cheerfully sitting in the makeup chair and knowing a lot of his lines! That’s the kind of happy accident that makes a classic.

Reservoir Dogs: Missing Dogs

Quentin Tarantino loves telling stories, especially the one about how the original cast of “Reservoir Dogs” got loose while lighting was being set. After Los Angeles County Animal Control demanded feature player roles for their dogcatchers, the resourceful first-time director simply cast Steve Buscemi, Harvey Keitel and a Doberman named Mr. Blonde. The perfect cast.

The Piano: Harvey Keitel Kept Losing His Pants

And speaking of Keitel! Jane Campion’s period drama “The Piano” won three Oscars in 1994, but what critics didn’t know was that much of the erotic tension of the film was written on the fly after Keitel couldn’t seem to hang on to his pants for more than 90 minutes at a time. The movie was originally about a talking piano who saves Christmas.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: They Lost the Ark

Whoops! Apparently, George Lucas absent-mindedly parked his Toyota over the Ark and it wasn’t discovered until shooting was nearly over. By that time, Spielberg had utilized his technique of “not showing the shark or the ark” to build tension. Also, it’s a better title than the original Indiana Jones and the Ark That’s Right Over There.

Lawrence of Arabia: Casting of Peter O’Toole

In one of the biggest snafus in casting history, some doofus accidentally cast Peter O’Toole to be out in the desert! That guy got hella sunburnt, but it also cemented the storyline of the white savior in Hollywood imagination. Classic!

Rising Inflation Causes Average Porn Star to Have Sex Four or Five Times to Pay for Pizza

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Camden Brazile

SAN FERNANDO, Calif. — A new report from the Federal Reserve Bank of Los Angeles showed that unprecedented inflation is forcing adult entertainers to have quadruple the amount of sex to pay for one “special pizza with extra sausage.”

“This is becoming untenable. I’m exhausted from trying to put food on the table,” said adult film star Angela Flowers. “I always try to bring realism to my characters, but now I find myself having to have intercourse upwards of six times to cover the cost of a measly extra-large meat lover’s pizza. I remember when I was a child, my grandfather telling stories about how in the ‘70s inflation was so bad that you needed to throw in a hand job to afford an medium pie and I never believed him. Now I know where he was coming from, and I wish things were that easy. I don’t know what will happen if the price of lube goes up.”

Porn producers have also felt the damage inflation has caused to their industry.

“It’s not just pizza men who are suffering from this,” said XXXFlix owner Michael Brankowitz. “One round of intercourse won’t even cover one trip for a milkman now, let alone something high price like a plumber. It’s really changed the characterization of today’s horny MILFs forever. The rising price of oil has made Taxi drivers go at it for hours before paying off their toll, and don’t even get me started on naughty therapists after how poorly insured the average American is these days.”

Economist David Edyth weighed in on the global ramifications of the price hikes.

“Our country’s porn stars are experiencing an economic downturn since The Great Depression when porn actors would have sex all day to pay for a shoeshine,” said Edyth. “It’s possible if these trends continue our nation could experience a drought in porno production and the results of that could be disastrous. Most adult men are barely-functioning meat sacks of pure rage and pornography is often their only outlet. If that is taken away then we will see much more aggression and it could accelerate tensions in Eastern Europe.”

At press time, industry experts warned that this growing inflation bubble was in danger of busting all over the face of Americans at any time.

Instead of Scary Forest or Dirty Warehouse Maybe We Pick Some Place Nice for Our Photo Shoot This Time?

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Matt McInerney

Okay hear me out, fellas. I’m not trying to say that our past photo shoots weren’t great. I love the memories we made that time we trudged through a dark, winter forest and stood for hours in the snow trying to capture the sun perfectly illuminating our studded armbands. That’s why I can still feel the pneumonia like it was just yesterday. And also because it’s become a chronic condition.

And I’ll always love that time we snuck into an old abandoned warehouse, fighting through cobwebs and stepping on cockroach-filled rats so we could nail that shot of us scowling in front of a rusty door. Bruce, your vision truly came to life on that one.

All I’m trying to say is, what if we tried someplace nice? Like, one time? Just putting it out there. As an example, what if we did a summer-y tiki backyard pool photoshoot? I know it might get a little hot for our full denim outfits or that leather getup Devon loves. But it might be nice to switch it up and get some band photos without also getting tetanus.

Alternatively, have we ever considered a trip to the beach? I’m not saying we have to smile and do anything enjoyable or even fun. But what if we tried to pull off our signature spine-chilling poses with a gentle ocean breeze at our backs? We could take a break from some of our more involved footwear and just bury our toes in the sand. It’s not like anyone could see our spikey boots when we were knee-deep in snow anyway. Plus, this time none of us will get our socks wet. Remember how we got our socks wet? A real day-ruiner.

So anyway, the beach! I’m thinking we pose poolside. Or even at a cozy Airbnb with a nice view. I’ve done a little digging already and found some pretty good deals on charming off-season ski lodges in Vermont.

Or we could go with Corey’s idea of us climbing through razor wire in an abandoned mental institution. A weekend in the hospital could be fun too.

Tool Fan Misses Entire Set Untangling Ponytail from Nunchucks

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Ted Pillow

ST. LOUIS — Diehard Tool fan Glenn “Stinkfist” Miranda missed the band’s entire set after a brief display of martial arts resulted in him getting a pair of nunchucks tangled up in his ponytail, confirmed sources at last night’s Tool concert who also verified that it was by far the best part of the show.

“I can’t believe this shit!” bemoaned an angry Miranda. “They opened with ‘Hooker with a Penis’ and I was so pumped that I attempted some expert-level freestyle nunchaku during the breakdown. Next thing you know, it’s three hours later and I’m just getting the last knot undone as the encore wraps up. If you ask me, they owe me a refund because this wouldn’t have been a problem if security hadn’t made me leave my katana at the coat check.”

Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan witnessed Miranda’s plight from the stage and commented on it after the concert.

“Honestly, this happens all the time,” sighed Keenan as he sipped a fruit-forward cabernet while lashing himself a leather bullwhip. “We used to stop playing and get security over to help out every time these dudes would get their long, flowing Gen X man-locks knotted up, but it was making our sets even more interminable than they already are. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you’re coming to a Tool show, wear a fucking hairnet.”

Arthur Brown the stage manager at the Enterprise Center, which hosted last night’s Tool concert, led a crew of maintenance workers to pick up locks of hair that were ripped from heads.

“These Tool fans are a goddamn pain in the ass,” Brown noted after the event. “They dress like they’re going to a renaissance fair but they act like they’re at that rave from ‘The Matrix Reloaded.’ First, they all pregame in the parking lot drinking solo cups of mead, and then they try sneaking all sorts of crazy shit into the venue. You’d be amazed at what we confiscate from them. Well, needless to say, nunchucks are officially added to the list of items banned from Tool shows, along with Burmese pythons, vintage artillery cannons, and entire kegs of Mountain Dew Code Red.”

As of press time, Miranda was last seen in the pit at a Deftones show desperately trying to free his ponytail from his wallet chain.

Photo by Jana Miller.

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Inspiring: This 14 Year Old Bought A Pack Of Cigarettes By Believing In Himself

Posted on March 11, 2022 by Dan Rice

American educators obsess over keeping children on par with the rest of the world in science and math, but what good are those tools without the confidence and drive it takes to apply them?

All his life, Tommy Loomis dreamed of buying a pack of cigarettes and being cool like his older cousin Roy. There was just one problem: Tommy was 14 years old.

A long time ago the government passed a law that basically said, “Hey Tommy, you and your dream of cigarette ownership can go take a flying fuck at the moon.” Would Tommy let the adversity of some ageist law step in the way of his smoking, as it tragically had with so many of his peers and contemporaries? Absolutely not.

Armed with nothing but confidence, sunglasses and the faintest hint of a mustache, Tommy marched right up to the counter of his local corner store and said “Smokes.”

No one helped or encouraged this young boy. His parents didn’t believe in his dream. His teachers told him he should never smoke. His friends thought he was crazy, and would maybe even get arrested. Tommy knew that he had shown them all as soon as the cashier said, “What brand?”

The Hard Times managed to track down two key witnesses who offered us their first-hand perspective on Tommy’s personal triumph.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I almost pissed myself when the cashier asked Tommy for ID, but Tommy didn’t even blink! He just lowered his shades a little and said ‘Dude, I’m 35.’ He said it like he thought the cashier was an idiot, and it worked! Tommy is the coolest kid at our school and I can’t wait to learn how to smoke so I can be cool like Tommy!”
– Bill Tukington, classmate of Tommy

“Sure, if you see a child purchasing cigarettes you’re supposed to intervene, but I was so floored and inspired by this young MAN’S confidence, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Some things are beyond the laws of man and that moment was one of them. That night I went home and made love to my wife for the first time in months. Every day I try to think about that boy buying those smokes and remind myself that we all have the power to make things better.
– Todd Burkmann, police officer

Thank you Tommy, for inspiring all of us to achieve our goals no matter what stands in our way. We’re sure that with your overflowing confidence and can-do attitude that one day you’ll be the first cigarette smoking child president of the United States!

Guy Masturbating Outside Adult Book Store Told To Take It Inside

Posted on March 11, 2022 by Chris Bowen

QUEBEC — Local scofflaw Donald Ross was seen spanking it outside of Fantasy World, which clearly has a designated area for that sort of thing as displayed on several prominently displayed billboards across the highway leading up to and away from it.

“I didn’t know that I was in front of a safe place to whack it. I assumed the traffic in town was light enough to pull over, and maybe it was safe to start poaching the egg right then and there, but I was clearly and quickly informed otherwise,” Ross explained. “It is nice to know there is a place guys like me can go to wank it in peace away from the scrutiny of our wives and shift managers, but they should be clearly marked. The windows were all darkened, and nothing was clearly marked saying they have those little booths in there.”

Alexandra Galbo was enjoying her lunch at a sushi shop across the street from the shop when she witnessed the act.

“I mean, this day in age, with as many vacant store buildings and crumbling infrastructure in this country, this guy had to drop everything and jerk it in front of my lunch spot? What a world we live in,” Galbo said. “He could have easily done what anyone else would have done and resisted the urge until he got inside a booth and paid his $.50/minute. I mean, there’s a back door entrance for that and everything. I really feel like people in this country just don’t have the same morals that they used to.”

Adult bookstore owner Rick O’Neal weighed in on the bizarre events of the day.

“It’s a slap in the face to someone like me to do it the new school way of using the internet, when I provide the public with such an array of VHS porn,” he stated. “Sure, there are some dodgy individuals lurking about, maybe the floors are a little sticky or whatever, but dammit, you just don’t get that same feeling of safety jerking off in your vehicle like you do in a nice, cozy booth such as the ones I provide to this community. A little self-awareness would have been nice.”

At press time, Ross was found pissing outside of a Port-O-Potty at a nearby construction site.

We Ranked Every Rocky Movie And Black Flag Album, But The Girl From Bumble Is Still Saying “Tell Me About Yourself” For Some Reason

Posted on March 11, 2022 by Dan Rice

Technology and social media makes it easier than ever to “connect” with people, but alas it would seem that conversation is a lost art yo. I recently matched with a woman I was interested in on Bumble and after she gave me some basic information (age, family background, political views, goals, general philosophy towards life), I decided to open up. I decided to skip all the petty bullshit and get to the meat: my personal ranking of all 8 Rocky movies.

Her Reply: “So tell me about yourself.”

Is she a bot? Is this what catfishing is? What the hell does she mean “tell me about yourself?” I already told you: Rocky 2, Rocky, Creed, Rocky 4, Rocky 3, Creed 2, Rocky Balboa, Rocky 5. Maybe try telling ME something! Pretty much all this girl has given me is pictures of her cat, her hopes and aspirations, and a story about saving her family from a fire when she was 9 that she says defines her. It’s called give-take lady, throw me something to keep the conversation moving!

I don’t even know her favorite Rocky movie! Frankly, if it is 5, then this isn’t something I want to pour my energies into pursuing anyway.

She did look really cute in her photos and we were both fans of pizza, so I decided to shoot my shot. If this girl wanted to get to know me, the real me, I was gonna lay it on her. I started ranking the Black Flag Albums.

There are decisions in that ranking I wouldn’t want to share with my own mother. Let’s just say “What The…” was embarrassingly high. I didn’t care. I wanted her to know. I ranked and I ranked, and I even wound up discovering things about myself. I appreciate Mike Vallely, I can admit that now. I was actually proud of myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I let myself open up like that for anyone.

What do I get for my efforts? “Wow, you really like the blackflag, lol, tell me about yourself.”

I hope she isn’t this cold and distant with her grandmother with cancer she visits twice a week, because she basically just “lol’d” at my soul in text form. Xtina, if you’re reading this, do yourself a favor: Stop working so hard trying to fulfill your lifelong dream of opening a coffee chain that raises money to help elephants and let somebody in!