Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Mom Claims Having No Tattoos More Punk Than Having Tattoos, If You Think About It

Posted on August 27, 2022 by Amanda Russel

MINNEAPOLIS — Local mom Virginia Thompson recently tried to convince her heavily tattooed son that the most punk thing he could do is have far less tattoos on his beautiful skin that is not ruined forever, annoyed sources confirm.

“If punk is all about being different and moving away from the herd, then the way I see it, being completely devoid of tattoos is the daring thing to do,” mused Thompson while looking around the kitchen full of her son’s friends for validation. “In your band, you’re always talking about ‘going against the grain’ and being different. And I’m sorry to say it, but it gets hard for me to tell some of you apart! You kids are all just totally covered in tattoos, and I wonder if there are any of you left who don’t have any. Those would be the true punks, if you ask me. The real rebels are actually the ones that look presentable in family photos.”

Thompson’s son, Dexter “Dex” Thompson, wasn’t shy about voicing his dissent.

“Mom’s full of shit,” said Dex, taking a swig of beer. “She’s hated all my tattoos since I got my first stick-n-poke when I was fourteen and tried to talk me out of getting them for as long as I can remember. Of course she would fuckin’ spin it this way. Next thing you know, she’ll be trying to tell me that it’s ‘real countercultural’ to finally finish my Bachelor’s degree, or that the most anti-capilalist thing I can do is give her some grandchildren while she still has time to enjoy them.”

Monty Smith, a psychologist specializing in the complicated dynamics of the mother/punk son relationship, says this decades-long standoff is par for the course.

“Punk sons are contrarians by nature, and moms are, as the kids say, ‘gonna mom,’” said Smith, using completely unironic air-quotes. “The more she pushed against tattoos, the more Dex wanted them. Of course he ended up covered. That fits the bill for this kind of relationship exactly. The real kicker is–if no tattoos are the new punk, it seems that moms like Mrs. Thompson are, comically, the punks in this situation after all.”

At press time, Thompson was making a hasty appointment to get a small, tasteful piece of flash on her ankle to immediately distance herself from the very punks she accidentally wound up glorifying.

DNC Pissed Joe Biden Did Something to Kinda Help People

Posted on August 27, 2022 by John Danek

WASHINGTON — Leaders within the Democratic National Committee are furious that President Joe Biden took action in a way that somewhat helped disadvantaged citizens, a DNC spokesperson stated.

“Our organization holds only one principle dear- not being Republicans. To suggest that we represent anything beyond that is dangerous and sets unreasonable expectations,” stated DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, who is recruiting Hollywood celebrities Sean Penn and Whoopie Goldberg to help temper any fears of further action. “Joe Biden went against our mission when he signed an executive order, which he should never ever do. It’s a dangerous slippery slope. What if people expect us to do a second good thing? We’re in deep shit now.”

President Joe Biden seemed confident in his decision to alleviate up to $20,000 in student loan debt.

“Listen, pal— you bet your ass that I eliminated that fraction of student loan debt with a swipe of a pen. Now most people will only be in debt for 72 years after graduation instead of 72.5. And there’s no telling what I may do next,” stated a defiant Biden when asked about the program. “Seriously, I have no idea what I may do next. I could eliminate unnecessary imperialistic military bases. I could invite the Harlem Globetrotters for Tater Tot Tuesday. Or I might finally track down Corn Pop and finish the job with my switchblade. Yeah, when you’re the President, you can bring a switchblade into the White House. It makes everyone really nervous.”

Democratic voters were startled and confused by the announcement that they might benefit from something elected officials were directly responsible for.

“I don’t get it. For years they’ve been telling us that they can’t do anything until they have the White House, a supermajority in the House & Senate, 9 Justices on the Supreme Court, and the Hale-Bopp comet to be visible to the naked eye,” said Jennie Potts, lifelong Democratic voter. “But right now they only have the White House and a soft House majority. Are you telling me that they actually can do things? Are my representatives just lollygagging despite pleading constantly for my donations and votes? I’m sorry, but nothing makes sense anymore.”

Upon hearing accusations of socialism for forgiving such a paltry amount of student loan debt, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ head exploded.

How To Build Your Life Around 8 Perfect Hours of Sleep Each Night, According to This Venture Capitalist That Crushes 5 Emails a Week

Posted on August 27, 2022 by Scott Murray

Are you feeling tired? Is your body failing you in strange ways? If you’re looking for the secret to youth and vitality, you’ve come to the right place!

As a venture capitalist, I spend every day half-listening to people’s problems and telling them what they’re doing wrong. If you’re wondering how I find the energy to check my email almost daily and take multiple zoom calls a week — Literally, more than one! — the answer is simple: invest in getting 8 ideal hours of sleep each night.

Here are the five changes I made that really unlocked my potential:

1. Put down your phone
Stay away from blue light by avoiding screens night. In the morning, do not check your calendar or your emails in bed. It’s important to ease into the day and reduce stress. Personally, I don’t check anything until 10am and I make sure I’m offline by 2. Anything coming in that late can be handled by my EA.

2. Mind what you eat
You brain is connected to your gut, so if you have a tendency to skip meals or force down unhealthy foods in a pinch you’re going to pay for it at night when you’re tossing and turning. Take the time each day to have well-balanced meals catered and prepared in your home. Trust me, it’s worth it.

3. Exercise regularly
Do a 45 minute workout twice a day, before and after work, with your personal trainer. For optimal healing, follow each one with a tall glass of water and a 30-minute cryo session. I also recommend booking a weekly massage to keep yourself loose.

4. Rest as hard as you work
Go on vacation, dummy! Getting away from it all is key to clearing the mind and encouraging restful sleep. Start by taking a lengthy excursion every quarter and at least two-weekend trips a month. Then, add in two periods of complete disconnect each year. One for your favorite island getaway, and one for a weekend of hard drugs and promiscuous sex on The Playa.

5. Invest in the latest sleep technology
Basketball star LeBron James reportedly spends 1.5 million on his body each year, so why can’t you? Last year I invested that same amount in my buddy’s company that is building a smart mattress that monitors your REM cycles to optimize deep sleep windows and it’s totally-life-changing! Once their company is out of beta, you’ll be able to enjoy the same luxury for under a hundred grand.

Top 10 Excuses to Cancel Band Practice

Posted on August 27, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

So you’ve joined a band. With every new band comes the inevitable responsibilities, obligations, and time spent practicing. Regardless of the frequency of your meeting, there will always be days when you wanna bail out. Here are the top 10 excuses to cancel band practice.

Honestly We’re Pretty Solid and Don’t Need To.

Hey, you guys know the songs, right? Practice is for people who don’t know the songs so it wouldn’t make sense to waste anyone’s time getting together more frequently than needed. This band practice cancellation technique has been used for generations.

Bass Player Got Too High

We all know most bass players have to get super high to practice for whatever reason. They walk a gentle threshold between self-medicating and falling into a couch-locked coma. Best to call it before he snaps back to it and eats an entire box of expired little Debbie cakes in the band room.

I Don’t Feel Like It

Trust us, no one else does either. This is a highly accessible way to cancel band practice at any given time, but especially last minute. Go ahead, text the band. The group chat is probably playing chicken on who calls it first.

Meeting at Texas Roadhouse with Financial Advisement Team aka Mom and Dad

The longevity of the band relies heavily on angel investors, aka whoever has parents with fat pockets. Believe me, Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus put in plenty of hours in meetings at the Longhorn and Chili’s before Blink 182 found their success. Time to knock back a few appetizer sampler platters for the good of the band.

I Have Band Practice with My Other Band

Works every time. No one wants to be the weenie that suggests putting together a band calendar or something reasonable like setting aside a dedicated day each week to practice. This is rock n roll, baby. It’s especially effective if you’re the only drummer in your local scene.

Baby Ducks were Blocking the Road

Dang, not again! Unless you’re Tony Soprano, what do they expect you to do? It’s best you let nature take its course. Depending on the time of year, this could be a persistent band practice roadblock for months!

I Forgot it Was My Grandma’s Birthday

We’ve all been there. It’s time to hop on down to the Piccadilly’s cafeteria for your yearly Salisbury steak and onions with nan. She’ll be so excited to see you and hear all about your little band that you will hardly even mind the crippling abdominal cramps that come along with upscale cafeteria-style dining.

Guitarist Has Been Temporarily Blinded by a Broken High E String

This will happen to every string musician a minimum of six times in their life. It’s why most guitarists wear eye patches by the age of 50. Don’t believe us? What about the late Ray Sawyer of Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show? That eyeball was taken out by a low E.

Too Sober

Are you saying a bunch of grown people are going to share their vulnerabilities through artistic performance without knocking back a few brewsks? Yikes. Seems like it would be awkward and boring and definitely worth canceling. It’s not in your head, those leads absolutely rip when you’re a little buzzed.

TOO DRUNK

Like a too-high bass player, you gotta play these cards right or Joe’s spilling a beer on the half stack again and Amber is barfing in the kick drum. Get it together guys!

Thrash Metal Band Holds Intervention For Bassist Whose Sobriety Has Gotten Out of Control

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Chris Bowen

PITTSBURGH — Local thrash metal band Toxic Warning held an emergency intervention for bassist Nick Rodriguez whose sober lifestyle has reached its breaking point with his other band members, sources confirm.

“I love Nick like a brother, but the fact he’s always completely aware of his faculties is becoming detrimental to our band,” said frontman Ryan Youngs while cracking another PBR for his beer bong. “As a fun-loving, hard-partying thrash metal band, we have a reputation to uphold. We can’t have a bassist who’d rather drink a Shirley Temple and catch a movie on a Friday night than drink 25 beers and down $50 dollars worth of gas station food like the rest of us! I mean, I don’t even think I’ve seen him barf into a garbage can or anything like that, and that’s just unacceptable.”

Nick Rodriguez believes his bandmate’s concern with his sober lifestyle is overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden it’s such a big deal that I’m sober to these guys. I mean, I was sober two years before I even joined the band,” said Rodriguez while consuming a room-temperature glass of water. “It’s really becoming annoying as hell to be honest. I’m sick of them trying to hide my root beer from me backstage or the seltzer I like to drink when I’m playing. They say it’s too embarrassing and they’ve actually told me it’s just plain sad and that I need to overcome my demons. I’m starting to fear they might do something drastic, like replace the powdered sugar I put on my french toast with cocaine.”

Dr. Ian Yueng used his 25 years of experience as a professional mediator to explain where the rest of Toxic Warning’s concerns may be coming from.

“Normally I would cheer on and advocate for someone who wants to get sober, but this time is an exception,” Dr. Yueng said as he took his lab coat off revealing a tattered Atrophy t-shirt. “I believe sobriety has zero place in thrash metal. In fact, most thrash bands completely tank when members stop getting tanked. This kick-ass local thrash band called Puke Sermon totally got lame as shit and started playing metalcore when they got sober. It was tragic to witness.”

At press time, members of local doom metal band Higher Than God were seeking counseling after their drummer casually mentioned he might want to cut back on smoking weed.

Just Because I’m a Miserable Control Freak Doesn’t Mean I Head up the HOA, but Yeah Your Mailbox Is in Violation of Rule #46

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Ben Friedman

Hey neighbor! Hope you don’t mind me popping by so late. Yes I’m aware it is two in the morning, but something has been bugging me since you moved here a few days ago. Umm, excuse me?! Look, just because I’m a “miserable control freak” as you say doesn’t mean I have any position of authority in the HOA or something. Incidentally though, you are in violation of Community Rule 46: “No mailbox shall be more than 3 feet and two inches off the ground.”

See, your mailbox is just slightly higher than the others on the cul-de-sac and it’s really throwing off the aesthetic we’re going for here. And before you shoot the messenger, I did not write this rule. I merely suggested it at the last community meeting. Think of the poor mail carrier who has to place your mail slightly higher than the rest of the mail boxes. If they tear their rotator cuff, that opens all of us up for a lawsuit.

I can tell by your cavalier attitude towards lawn care around your mail receptacle that you seem hellbent on bringing down the values of our homes. If you even bothered to read the HOA handbook when you moved in, you’d know that the third Tuesday is the day we mow our lawns in unison and that includes weed whacking.

I can overlook the fact that none of your flags include Old Glory and that you don’t have a cover for your trampoline, but with God as my witness, I will be out here every morning taping citations to your door until you fix this eyesore.

Listen, there’s no need to call the cops because I’ve already called them. You can kiss your community pool privileges goodbye because I’m the judge, jury, and executioner in this development. Why do you think the last guy who lived here moved out? No, it’s not because I’m a tyrannical busybody. It’s because I care.

“A Band Is Like a Marriage,” Says Recently Kicked Out Bassist Who Is Also Divorced

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Scott Murray

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local bassist Randy Jacobs is reportedly doling out expert advice on maintaining relationships despite being currently band-less and having just finished going through an acrimonious divorce, confirmed disinterested sources.

“I could write a book on all the ways being in a band is nearly identical to being married. It’s a sacred partnership with a single goal—which is usually being impeded by the other person’s lame ideas for album or child names,” said Jacobs, 36, who most recently lost his job playing bass with the band Pipefitter. “Division of labor is also important. Johnny, my old guitar player, always made sure we got paid before leaving the venue, and I always made sure we’d used all our drink tickets. You need that sort of balance.”

Those familiar with Jacobs’ wisdom report that he has long since been a walking encyclopedia of unwarranted advice and misery, quick to share it with any bright-eyed newby, or patient bartender.

“When I met Randy things really clicked. As soon as we got together we dropped all our side projects to focus exclusively on our indie-rock duo, The Vows,” said local drummer and vocalist Jenny Hammond. “It was great for a few years, but we went our separate ways eventually. I kept telling him you can’t string a girl along forever, eventually, she’s going to want to make an album! But it all came crashing down when he broke things off to write songs with a talentless waitress at the restaurant where he washed dishes.”

Local Ph.D. student Pierce Mathis believes there is a science to relationship building.

“I’ve read a lot of advice out there about how to build and maintain lasting bonds, but you have to be careful where you look,” said Mathis. “In my research, I discovered this Dunning-Kruger-like phenomenon where people who have the most to say are typically emotional children who really shouldn’t refer to themselves as ‘experts.’ Money is often the biggest problem in relationships, I’m currently not in a band because I’m broke as hell. I knew a Ph.D. would put me in the poorhouse, but I definitely didn’t account for my former vocalist ordering 300 misprinted t-shirts with my credit card.”

At press time, Jacobs was seen repeatedly touting his ability to buy beer to a group of teenage musicians without a bass player.

Every Oasis Album Ranked by How Many Fistfights the Gallagher Brothers Had While Recording Them

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Doug Kolic

No discussion of Britpop is complete without mentioning the brash Mancunian brothers of Oasis and the two things they were best known for: pop-rock anthems and kicking the shit out of each other. Here’s our ranking of every Oasis studio album by how many fistfights Noel and Liam Gallagher had while recording them, ya daft wankers!

7. Definitely Maybe (1994) – 5 Fights
Since this album was their debut, the Gallagher brothers were much more focused on honing their craft than fighting. Other than the crystal meth-fuelled incident at Whisky-A-Go-Go when Liam threw a tambourine at Noel’s head, their relationship was mostly amicable.

6. (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? (1995) – 9 Fights
This is the album that cemented Oasis as legends but, like their debut, they were still intent on recording songs rather than letting fights get in the way. The most brutal row occurred when Noel smashed Liam over the head with a cricket bat for claiming “Mad About You” was funnier than “Seinfeld.”

5. Be Here Now (1997) – 14 Fights
It’s common knowledge that Noel once ripped the unibrow off Liam’s face while in session, something which was covered in the 1998 MTV documentary “Celebrity Deathmatch.”

4. Standing on the Shoulder of Giants (2000) – 22 Fights
The biggest fight oc curred while recording “Little James,” a song Liam wrote for his pet turtle, Jameson. Noel didn’t think a song about a turtle would fly with their fans so after a weekend of punches, kicks, and elbows, they agreed to lie and say the song was actually about Liam’s son who was coincidentally also named James and was also little.

3. Heathen Chemistry (2002) – 36 Fights
Sources tell us Liam’s arrest in Germany for fighting the police was nothing compared to the brotherly smackdown that occurred in the studio after Liam urinated in Noel’s Corn Flakes, which was the inspiration for “Stop Crying Your Heart Out.”

2. Don’t Believe the Truth (2005) – 58 Fights
The band’s second to last album was so volatile that Noel and Liam were each fitted with shock collars. Their mutual hatred peaked in October of that year after they tore apart the studio while arguing over who got to be John Lennon for Halloween.

1. Dig Out Your Soul (2008) – 125 Fights
Noel quit the band in 2009 after Liam wielded his guitar like an axe at his head. But sources tell us the worst bloodbath occurred during recording when Liam thought they should cover Hanson’s “MMMBop” while Noel insisted he’d leave the “the biggest fucking band in the world” if it wasn’t Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.”

The Mountain Goats Release Concept Album About Ken Burns Documentaries

Posted on August 25, 2022 by James Knapp

CLAREMONT, Calif. — Indie-folk mainstays The Mountain Goats recently released a daring new concept album that explores the dark and introspective complexity Ken Burns’ films, sources who commit a lot of time and energy to really weird, niche shit confirmed.

“Ken Burns is just one of those guys that you look at his work and think to yourself ‘that is exactly what I wanna be doing.’ I mean, thirteen hours about the National Park Service — that’s insane and I just love it,” said songwriter John Darnielle. “We’ve explored concepts from everything from wrestling to goth culture to… whatever ‘Heretic Pride’ was about. But this one is just another level. I’m not even sure what we’re gonna follow this record up with–although I did just learn that Ken has a brother who also makes documentaries, so maybe that’s something.”

Despite Darnielle’s enthusiasm, fans’ reactions were mixed about the new album.

“It was kinda cool, at times, I think. Though I couldn’t figure out what was up with that weird Civil War narration that was playing overtop of everything,” said longtime fan Patrick Jeffers. “I really wanted to like this one, but it was just too meta sometimes. I realize that all those guys are really smart dudes but holy shit, I did not ever need to know that much about Mark Twain’s sex life, let alone have it set to a reggae beat. That was just plain upsetting.”

Documentarian and Supercuts shareholder Ken Burns explained how his approach to filmmaking likely influenced the new album.

“When I get behind the camera, I’m not thinking about the audience’s preconceptions about the topic, because frankly, I don’t give a fuck about those dumb donkeys,” explained a surprisingly aggressive Ken Burns. “What? You thought ol’ Burnsy is some mellow jazz nerd, didn’t you? Well I’ll tell you what, I make documentaries that kick people in the teeth with knowledge. And if one ounce of that bled through into the Goats or whoever’s album, then you’re about to get your whole face rocked right the fuck off!”

At press time, Darnielle was seen feverishly researching Indiana tax code for inspiration.

Rad Man: This Guy Wore His Actual Domino’s Uniform to the Ska Show

Posted on August 25, 2022 by Johnny Sparkles

I’ve been to hundreds of ska shows in my life but what I just saw is probably the most epic thing I’ve ever witnessed. I watched this band called “The Skallywags” have one of the best sets I’ve seen in a while. But it wasn’t the band that I couldn’t take my eyes off. It was the dude who showed up wearing his Domino’s uniform!

I’ve seen The Aquabats at least 37 times. I’ve seen Skankin’ Pickle perform the song “Hulk Hogan” while dressed as Hulk Hogan. I saw a dude dressed up as a giant fish at a Reel Big Fish show. But this is next level.

Look, I’ve been in this ska game a long time. I’ve been spit on by Eddie of Voodoo Glow Skulls. One time Mike Park of Skankin’ Pickle almost broke my neck stage diving on me. One of the dudes from Less Than Jake gave me the “live long and prosper” sign, but again, none of these things compared to the dude wearing his actual uniform from Domino’s.

I was transfixed from the moment he skanked past me wearing that shirt. This wasn’t some knockoff or even a promotional item. It was the real deal. This guy fuckin’ worked there, man! That’s so sick. Even if he was The Noid I couldn’t avoid loving him.

No matter what happens, I’ll never forget that dude in that Domino’s uniform and the way they both skanked into my heart without warning. You could call him a trendsetter but I hope I never see another Domino’s uniform in the pit again. Some things should only be seen once.