Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Every All Time Low Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on December 8, 2023December 9, 2025 by Scott Waldman

No, All Time Low’s EP “Put Up or Shut Up” is not technically an album, and yes, their debut studio effort “The Party Scene” shouldn’t be heard by anyone unless they’re too inebriated to remember it afterwards. Now that we’ve got all of that out of the way, we will start this sterling piece with a stat that may cause mouths to open wide but will definitely inspire you to say that they have more than one song not named “Dear Maria, Count Me In”: Towson, Maryland’s All Time Low has NINE full-length records that we are ranking worst to best, several EPs that aren’t “Put Up or Shut Up,” two live LPs, several non-album singles, and even one tribute to themselves record. In closing for our opening, New England Clam Chowder is much better than Maryland Crab Cakes with OR without tartar sauce.

9. The Party Scene (2005)

All Time Low formed in high school just after the Drive-Thru Records pop-punk boom was coming to a close in 2003, and released their debut full-length “The Party Scene” just two years later via Emerald Moon Records. While this one is a solid start for sure, especially given how young the band members were when they recorded it, it is BY FAR their worst record, and if you disagree, we question your brain or lack thereof whilst applauding you for trying so damn hard; good job. It says a lot that Hopeless Records picked this band up shortly after “The Party Scene” came out, and the band subsequently re-recorded five songs not in the form of a lullaby, almost half of this album, for their EP “Put Up or Shut Up”; the band’s a group of straight up hustlers.

Play it again: “Break Out! Break Out!” and then listen to the re-recorded version on “Put Up or Shut Up”
Skip it: “We Say Summer”

8. Last Young Renegade (2017)

The band’s seventh album “Last Young Renegade” is their SECOND major label debut, but first release via Fueled by Ramen. While the underrated and highly maligned “Dirty Work,” which we will get into later, but not much later, was the band’s sole LP with Interscope, the band left the conglomerate world after its release, and subsequently put out two bangers of albums back to back on Hopeless Records. Maybe this album fell short because it followed “Don’t Panic” and “Future Hearts,” or maybe it had the least amount of replay value for any ATL album not named “The Party Scene.” Thankfully it is a concise ten tracks and not thankfully it is good overall, but not great.

Play it again: “Last Young Renegade”
Skip it: “Nightmares”

7. Tell Me I’m Alive (2023)

All Time Low, released their NINTH album, the commanding “Tell Me I’m Alive,” in the year of our lord known as this year, 2023, and truly shows ZERO signs of stopping anytime soon, or, honestly, far from now. Actually, we won’t be shocked if they release at least nine more full-lengths over the course of the next twenty years and get even bigger than they are now. Suck it and calm down, haters. Back to their most recent LP, “Tell Me I’m Alive”: If you thought that “Last Young Renegade” was too pop for your hardcore tastes, this album is NOT for you, as it doubles down on the mainstream touches of said LP, but if you’re open-minded and live for saccharine melodies, this effort is a good one for your palate.

Play it again: “Modern Love”
Skip it: “Kill Ur Vibe” for its spelling would’ve been enough but the song would’ve also been better as a B-side

6. Wake Up, Sunshine (2020)

All Time Low’s eighth full-length studio album, and second of three thus far for Fueled by Ramen, is their best FBR release by more than a few meters, and one of the highlights of the early phase of the pandemic, which also featured Joe Exotic in all of his glory and splendor. This record is truly solid front to back, and even featured the band’s first number one on Billboard with “Monsters,” which stayed as such on the Alternative Airplay chart for EIGHTEEN weeks, making it Billboard’s biggest hit in the history of said chart. In addition, the song showcased that it had strong and firm legs with a re-release with pop icon Demi Lovato on vocals as well. It’s pretty sweet that eight albums and almost twenty years at the time in, ATL had their highest charting song.

Play it again: “Monsters” (featuring blackbear)
Skip it: “January Gloom (Seasons, Pt. 1)

5. Dirty Work (2011)

Your hate for this album might be partially justified for this record’s first single “I Feel Like Dancin’” but for not this album as a whole. Basically, we love us some Weezer, well at least albums #1 and #2 from the band, but the Rivers Cuomo-All Time Low co-write for “I Feel Like Dancin’” alienated more ATL fans than any other song up to that point, and epically failed at making them a mainstream act a la Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance, which seemed to be why the band signed with Interscope Records to begin with. Thankfully, it didn’t end their career, as the band has released five more records since, and “Dirty Work” forever remains underrated with killer tracks like “Do You Want Me (Dead?),” “Just the Way I’m Not,” “Time-Bomb,” and our favorite, “Guts,” which features Maja Ivarsson of The Sounds.

Play it again: “Guts”
Skip it: “I Feel Like Dancin’”

4. So Wrong, It’s Right (2007)

Is it a coincidence that All Time Low’s top four records here are all Hopeless efforts? Go listen to “So Wrong, It’s Right,” in 2023, sixteen years after it came out, to hear the sound of youth gone wild. The band members themselves may not be as fond of this one as we are, but most bands dislike their breakouts in some way, shape, or form, and usually praise their newest efforts as their most superior, even when they are objectively and subjectively wrong. Fun fact: The band’s calling card single “Dear Maria, Count Me In” went platinum in 2015, and, even cooler, the entire album was certified Gold by the RIAA in May 2017.

Play it again: “Remembering Sunday” (featuring Juliet Simms then of Automatic Loveletter and currently of Lilith Czar)
Skip it: “Come One, Come All”

3. Future Hearts (2015)

All Time Low’s sixth album and last as of now (ya never know if they’ll go back kicking and screaming) for Hopeless Records is also their last non-major label ATL effort at this juncture. Debuting at number two on the Billboard 200, “Future Hearts” remains the band’s biggest week one and highest charting record in the states as well. In a sick sick sick flex, the album debuted at number one, yes, number one, in the United Kingdom, and eventually went Silver there, so the band is even bigger there than they are in the states. If you purchased a physical copy of the record, which was a rarity in 2015 and even more-so now, you were gifted Easter Eggs in the form of collector Polaroid pictures that will inspire a tidal wave of bottles, beats, wolves, and shit-eating grins… Don’t you go bitching!

Play it again: “Kids in the Dark”
Skip it: “The Edge Of Tonight”

2. Nothing Personal (2009)

If “So Wrong, It’s Right” elevated All Time Low to direct support status on a bill of five, “Nothing Personal” for sure made them capable headliners. Featuring and opening with their best single to date “Weightless,” ATL ripped through forty-one minutes and four seconds of diverse yet cohesive songs and their old fans (and new ones) ate ‘em up, just not as quickly as “Coffee Shop Soundtrack” from “Put Up or Shut Up”; you can’t please ‘em all, and ATL is damned regardless of whether or not the band will do ya. Also, it says a lot about “Nothing Personal” that the band still opens many shows with a non-single, track four, “Lost In Stereo” since 2009. If you’re an addict for dramatics, check out the re-recorded version of “Nothing Personal,” “It’s Still Nothing Personal – A Ten Year Tribute,” which came out, you guessed it, ten years after the original.

Play it again: “Weightless”
Skip it: “Hello, Brooklyn”

1. Don’t Panic (2012)

After the band’s fourth LP “Dirty Work” caused many of you foolish miscreants to write All Time Low off, the four-piece hunkered down, re-signed with Hopeless Records, started fresh, and made their best record “Don’t Panic”. This “no skip” studio album served as an eloquent and rockin’ return to form after a brief sabbatical on Interscope Records and showed that bands can still have successful careers after failing via a major. If you still find yourself hungry for more and thirsty for booze after “Don’t Panic,” check out the re-release “Don’t Panic: It’s Longer Now!” which came out just one year later with eight other tracks, and the highlight known as “A Love Like War” featuring Vic Fuentes of Pierce the Veil. In closing, we say so long and thanks for all the hate clicks.

Play it again: Front to back and then try “Don’t Panic: It’s Longer Now!”
Skip it: Panicking at or outside of the disco

Constituent Struggling to Compose Email to Representative That Doesn’t Sound Like Death Threat

Posted on December 8, 2023 by Daniel Freborg

OMAHA, Neb. — District 2 constituent Steve Amundson, fed up with the protracted process of fixing the potholes on his street, wrote Representative Burt Johnson numerous winding screeds that inevitably come across like terrifying death threats, sources confirmed.

“I think that Rep. Johnson has his heart in the right place and the pothole repair delays are probably due to government red tape. And that’s exactly what I attempt to express in my emails,” said Amundson.” But somehow I end up mentioning that I know the exact route he takes home from work, that I know where his daughters go to school, and that he better have eyes on the back of his head. I do have genuine grievances with Rep. Johnson but have no intention of running him down with my truck in front of his eight-year-old, like my message implies. Every goddamn time I proofread one of my emails it’s full of ‘snuff you out’ this and ‘better fucking watch yourself’ that. This last time I accidentally changed my email text color to blood red and couldn’t figure out how to correct it. Probably wasn’t the best look.”

Politicians and other public servants in Amundson’s district are exceedingly familiar with his tendency to jump from policy disagreements to what he’d do if he had them tied up.

“Steve? He must have called me a ‘dead man walking’ three or four times since the school levy passed,” said school board member Alan Strickland, another frequent recipient of Amundson’s alarming emails. “I’ll start reading his message and for the first paragraph or two it’s a pretty boilerplate request that schools find creative ways to save taxpayer money. But by the email’s end I’m on the phone with law enforcement requesting additional security to escort my family to the grocery store.”

Omaha police officer Gregory Winfield noted that there wasn’t much to do about the issue.

“At his core Steve’s not a monster, but if he did a search-and-delete for words like ‘bleed,’ ‘wipe out,’ and ‘suffer’ before hitting the send button he’d save us all a lot of trouble,” said Winfield. “Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about email threats. You have to be brutally attacked, maimed, and/or murdered before law enforcement can have a look-see. Believe me, I wish we could. A good 80% of our calls deal with email death threats. The other 20% is old-fashioned handwritten letters signed in blood.”

At press time, Amundson took a break from politics and instead emailed some veiled threats to his cable company.

How To Make Friends Outside The Venue When You Don’t Smoke

Posted on December 8, 2023 by Jordan Liffengren

It used to be effortless making friends outside the venue when you were a smoker. Usually you’d just ask if anyone had a light and boom, you were part of the crew. But now, it’s hard to break that barrier when you’re just kind of standing there with your hands on your hips, looking around, hoping that someone will make eye contact with you or compliment the shirt you’re wearing. Here are five alternative ways to approach the art of making friends outside the venue when you don’t smoke.

Fake a shared past

Who doesn’t want an impromptu catch-up with an old friend at a concert? Never a better setting than this. Keep that in mind when approaching a stranger from behind. Try placing a firm hand on their shoulder and say, “Oh my god, hey man, how are you? Do you remember me? We met at that Craigslist sleep study way back in the day.” If you’re wearing a baseball cap and dark sunglasses they will probably go along with all of it just to be polite, and that is more than enough for you.

Bring a prop to keep your hands busy

You’ve got to look casual if you want to seem approachable. Try bringing a prop to the show to keep those fidgety hands occupied. This will make it seem like you’re just out here to shoot the shit and get some air, like everyone else. Some great ideas include Chinese finger traps, a deck of cards, or a handful of peanuts to shake around in one hand and snack on while grinning like Matthew McConaughey.

Hand out business cards

When you’re a smoker, organic conversations blossom with minimal effort, but without this social lubricant, you’re gonna need a backup plan. Try a little old-fashioned networking! Let them know about your side hustle: Stuff ‘Em Up, a taxidermy business you run with your uncle who just got out of prison. You can try an opener like, “Did you know the term ‘taxidermy’ is derived from ancient Greek words for ‘arrangement of skin?’ You should totally come to the warehouse and check it out.”

Pretend you know the band

An instant way to impress smokers outside the venue is by telling them you know the band. Of course they’ll be interested, and there’s no way they will know anyone in the band. Just let them know that you know what’s up. Be careful that you don’t approach anyone standing too close to a van loaded with gear, that might actually be the band and you would look very stupid if you got caught bragging about knowing them to their face. Choose your targets wisely.

Share some snacks

You’d think smoking would curb cravings, but you’d be completely wrong. Between songs when smokers are taking a break to get some air and have a drag, they’re usually hoping a stranger will approach them with a little snack. I mean, who doesn’t love a Wether’s original between sets? You can also try a Nature Valley bar or some Greek yogurt. If all else fails, you can’t go wrong with a fistful of shredded mozzarella straight from the bag.

Hope these tips help!

Band That Reportedly Doesn’t Care or Want to Fit Into a Genre Sounds Exactly Like Coldplay

Posted on December 8, 2023 by Peter Woods

NEW YORK — Following reports that local rock band Melted Miasma doesn’t care about adhering to a specific genre and has never attempted to do so, attendees of a recent performance confirmed that they sound exactly like Coldplay.

“It boils down to this: you can’t be a trailblazer if you play by someone else’s rules,” said lead singer Katie Mansfield. “We’re not just going to take marching orders from some genre. Hell, we don’t even ‘get inspired’ by other music. This is our music and it should sound like us. So instead of doing what someone else tells us to do, we just play music that makes us feel good. Which happens to be generally pleasant rock music that doesn’t stray too far from established norms.”

According to fans of Melted Miasma, the tactic has worked so far.

“Everything about the band is just amazing,” said self-described “Miasmaniac” Tony Hucknall. “The lyrics just really speak to me. I can’t remember any off the top of my head, but the riffs are incredible too. There’s this one that goes like–well, it sort of just goes really hard. I’m not explaining this well. The drum parts are probably pretty good. Wait, do they have a drummer? Oh I know, they have that one song that goes ‘Radioactive! Radioactive! Woah-oh-oh-oh!’ Ah hell, that’s someone else entirely.”

However, some critics have questioned the band’s claims of originality.

“It’s clear that they are just directly ripping us off and if this continues, we’re going to sue,” said Chris Martin, lead singer of the band Coldplay. “They might think they’re onto something new, but we were the ones who broke the goddamn mold. We fucking redefined rock music by making rock music that sounded exactly like the generic ideal of rock music, instead of sounding like rock music with a few unique and identifiable details like a bunch of nerds who spend all day sucking their own dicks. That’s what makes Coldplay Coldplay. And those dipshits can fuck right off a cliff if they think they can step it to us.”

Despite these allegations, Melted Miasma already has plans to expand on their genre-defying approach to music by adding synths to the introduction of a yet-to-be written song.

Winter Activities Ranked By How Well You Can Hide The Fact That You Haven’t Showered In A Week

Posted on December 7, 2023 by Connor Relyea

Winter is a magical time of year, but the best part of the season is the fact you can wear so many layers of clothes nobody can tell you stink to high heaven. Showering is for the birds anyway, who needs water and soap anyway? Unfortunately, sometimes people are repulsed by the stink of festering body odor. We ranked winter activities by how likely they would be to hide the fact you are a rat person who hates personal grooming.

20. Romantic Cabin Getaway

Really? You really want to put yourself and the one person who can stand to be around you and your disgusting body and attitude in a location cut off from the world where they’ll have to interact with you and only you? Any potential romance will be destroyed the second you unpack the one sweater you wear, sleep in, and use as a napkin.

19. Skiing/Snowboarding

Let’s face it, even if you knew how to ski you wouldn’t be able to afford it. And just thinking about how expensive it is will remind you of how little you’re paid because you’re stuck in a job that you hate and isn’t fulfilling while your life slips away faster each day and you’re just an insignificant speck of dust in a cosmic game of chance and misery. So don’t even bother.

18. Cross Country Skiing

A much more painful alternative to regular downhill skiing, but potentially cheaper. The layers you’re wearing will definitely hide any stink lines emanating from your rotting carcass, and your friends will assume you’re wailing and gnashing your teeth because you’re participating in one of the worst winter activities humanity ever created.

17. Winter Camping Trip

Winter camping can be a fun, weekend activity for people who enjoy the outdoors! But no one would describe you as “outdoorsy” since the only time you’re seen outside of your apartment is during your weekly restock of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, toilet paper, and whiskey. Maybe leave this one to people who can walk farther than five city blocks without getting winded.

16. Decorate A Gingerbread House

You might get lucky and the smell of warm gingerbread will cover up whatever stench you weren’t able to hide with pine-scented candles. But if you do this as a group activity, try not to lose your shit and throw your creation into the wall in front of your friends when you realize your gingerbread family has achieved something you never will: owning a house.

15. Dog Sledding

One might think that dog sledding would be an excellent activity for the lonely and solitary months of winter. Being out in the wilderness with only animals for company could be a good way to spend the short days if dogs didn’t have the ability to sniff out a pack of bacon five houses away. We recommend you skip this one, unless you want to really ruin a husky’s day.

14. Making Hot Chocolate

The sweet scent of hot cocoa will temporarily mask your crotch rot, and also remind you of being a kid when the only thing you had to do was wake up, go to school, endure hours of torment at the hands of your peers, hate the fact that you had no power or control over your life and listen to your parents fight as you tried to fall asleep. A delicious, nostalgic treat!

13. Holiday Movie Marathon

Sure, no one else has to be around as you watch some of your favorite holiday films. But will you really enjoy “It’s A Wonderful Life” when you remember that it was deemed a “subversive” movie by the FBI because you live in the United States and anything less than a full blowjob for bankers and capitalists used to be (and let’s face it, still is) considered communist propaganda? Get back to work, scum.

12. Snowmobiling

Wearing a helmet is the perfect mask for those dead eyes that haven’t looked away from your ex’s Instagram in 6 weeks. Make sure to drive the snowmobile alone, though, otherwise having a passenger will just remind you that no one wants to hold on to you in a romantic way because you’re an unlovable piece of shit with commitment issues, and boy oh boy do you stink.

11. Ice Skating

Ice skating can be a risky choice depending on your skill level. If you’re falling down a lot and generally unstable on the ice, no one will wonder why you’re crying and screaming and covered in blood. But if you have an easier time staying up, that same demeanor might draw a few questions.

Pages: 1 2

10 Bands That Will Make Your Punk Stepson Finally Accept You

Posted on December 7, 2023 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Being a stepparent is hard, and it’s even harder when your stepson is punk as fuck. Worry not, normie stepmoms and stepdads of the world because the family therapists at Hard Times HQ can help! If you listen to our recommendations, your punk stepson will finally accept you as some sort of vague authority figure even if he refuses to look you in the eye or have a picture taken with you.

Discharge

To get this kid’s respect, you can’t just break out some Hot Topic tee-shirt bands and call it a day. Put on a Discharge album after you pick him up from detention and watch as your wife’s son begrudgingly looks in your direction.

Joy Division

Listening to Joy Division is reverse therapy, so be sure to dabble in eye makeup and name-drop other post-punk bands in front of his friends. And don’t worry, you will not be pressed for what your favorite song is as long as you seem sad in a cool way.

Napalm Death

Most Napalm Death songs sound like warm ass and do not hold up, but that’s part of the charm. It hasn’t been 1986 for a long time, but playing pretend is nostalgic and fun. For maximum props, steal this brat’s bong and tell him you need to take some rips before you listen to “Scum.”

Mudvayne

Somehow, nu-metal is hot again, so you need a token band. Every other stepparent in HEYDUDE shoes will pick Korn or Limp Bizkit, so loudly complain about how much more recognition this ridiculous-looking band deserved while blasting “Dig” and “Death Blooms.” Your newfound Mudvayne fandom might be enough to make him stop yelling “Fuck you!” every time you ask him to take out the trash.

MF DOOM

If you want this kid to stop pretending you’ve kidnapped him whenever you’re in public, listen to a guy in a basketball jersey and Dr. Doom mask rap about food and sex when you’re making dinner this week. DOOM’s rhymes are grimier than your stepson’s jagged fingernails, so be sure not to follow any of the recipes on “Mm..Food.”

The Dillinger Escape Plan

While you were getting a finance degree at UPenn, this band was making music that’s harder to enjoy than it is to play. Dillinger Escape Plan sounds like an atomic bomb going off in a glass factory, so be sure to take your blood pressure medication and put on the relaxed-fit Dockers before playing “Calculating Infinity” at a reasonable volume.

Converge

Once you listen to Converge’s album “Jane Doe”, you’ll understand your stepson’s shitty neck tattoo of a woman’s face. Once you’re in the Converge Cult, one-up him by getting a framed Jacob Bannon print and a full chest piece of the “No Heroes” bird.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

This haunted house of a man makes music between dognappings, and that’s exactly what it sounds like. Try listening to a few Nick Cave albums and then just start leering at people and saying cryptic, depressing things in a husky voice. He’ll know.

Turnstile

You won’t be able to handle–actually… you probably will. You should start with Turnstile, and if you play your cards right, maybe you can get by with just knowing them.

Overwhelmingly Negative Reaction Ensures New Mustache Being Tried in Jest

Posted on December 7, 2023 by Scott Murray

DETROIT — A mixture of ridicule and disgust caused local man Derek Jones to announce his new mustache is not a serious endeavor and is in fact, “Just a joke,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“I honestly thought it looked cool until I Googled pictures of Henry Cavill,” said Jones, solemnly stroking his upper lip. “I guess I thought I’d get at least a mixed reaction, maybe even some positive comments. I told myself that if I got some laughs, I could claim it was a gag anyway. What’s weird is that no one said anything. Like, at all. My closest friends didn’t say shit. My coworkers tried to change the subject. I would have forgotten I was wearing a mustache if not for the horrified looks of mothers as they pulled at the wrists of their young children.”

Stephanie Moore, Jones’ girlfriend admits she did what she could to support her partner.

“They say love is unconditional, but it’s certainly reaching a limit for me. At first, I thought, ‘Oh that’s kind of fun and cute,’ but now I can’t stop seeing just how long his upper lip is when he smiles. It’s like a Nerds’ Rope that was dropped near a barber’s chair” she said, visibly queasy. “And the way the mustache hair goes into his mouth anytime he eats a sandwich makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out. This needs to end before my parents see it, because my dad will beat the crap out of him.”

Clinical psychologist Janine Michaels says this is not an uncommon phenomenon.

“Statistically speaking, only about 5% of the population have mustaches, the majority of which belong to people who were alive when it was actually cool. For those under 60, they’ve had to make it a significant part of their personality just to survive,” said Michaels. “I’ve had a few patients over the years living behind a mustache—most of them young men who didn’t realize the error of their ways and are quietly miserable. They have to constantly make jokes about themselves being a ‘creepy uncle’ so nobody else does. It’s a hell of their own creation that is easily fixed.”

At press time, Jones admitted that his new pair of jeans, which were a slightly different shade of blue than he normally wears, were bought on a dare.

We Look back on Our Lease Because Our Landlord Never Said We Couldn’t Have Grindcore Shows in the Living Room

Posted on December 7, 2023 by Yancy Lee Crawford

What kind of a landlord evicts his tenants just for having a three-day, all-hours music fest at his house?! I’m getting out the lease because there’s no way our landlord said we couldn’t have grindcore shows in the living room!

I can’t wait to see his face when a guy that’s been drinking 24 oz Steel Reserves around the clock for seventeen days lawyers him back to fuck-you-landlord-town. It’s an open and shut case, and I don’t mean the case of high gravity lager I’m gonna drink before my next shift as a bus driver.

Section 1: Tenant is responsible for general maintenance of the lawn and cleanliness of the home: The outdoor stage killed half the grass and all the spilled beer, cigarette butts, and passed-out bass players ruined the carpet, but nothing here says we can’t have a Hewhocorrupts reunion show on a Wednesday morning.

Section 2: Rent is due on the 1st of the month: Why did he think we had this fest in the first place? In a lot of ways, this eviction is taking money out of his own pocket. Aren’t landlords supposed to be smart?

Section 3: Tenant must park their vehicle(s) in the street: Even if Shithouse Steve had a car, set it on fire, and burnt down the garage, having a band that screams over blast beats and electric dildos perform on the roof at 2 a.m. would be chill–according to this very legal document.

Section 4: No pets allowed: I’m pretty sure the dude living on our couch would be considered a dog by almost every medical professional, but the leash he wears is mostly decorative. We’d kick him out, but Duke has a sick 7” collection.

Section 5: Tenant may not invite guests that have more than three DUIs or two hundred horror films on VHS: That literally describes half my friends, which is why the front yard was covered in mopeds. He might have something here, but it doesn’t say anything about music. That was a close call.

Section 6: No bands that lack the physical stamina and songwriting skills to perform for longer than two minutes at a time may play a show–free or suggested donation–in the living room at any time: Fuck.

I can probably crash on the bus for a while, but it’s time we checked out those grindcore-friendly condos next to the dump.

Report: Local Noise Scene Doing More for Trans Rights Than Every Democratic Representative Combined

Posted on December 7, 2023 by Colleen Nerney

ST. LOUIS – The local underground noise scene is reportedly bringing positive momentum to the trans rights movement at a substantially quicker pace than every single Democratic representative at both a state and federal level, sources confirmed.

“Honestly, we’ve built a really great community here,” said harsh noise musician and transgender woman Lily Eldritch while absentmindedly spinning knobs on a vintage synthesizer. “We all support each other emotionally, creatively, financially, politically, you name it. The most important thing when being furiously and relentlessly oppressed by the GOP is to have other people who have your back. And I’m not talking about the Democrats, either, who are all currently occupied with campaigning solely on the fact that they aren’t Republican. I’ll be honest, I think we’ve surprised some folks with how normal we are as an identity group. When we’re not playing what can be loosely defined as ‘music’ at 120 decibels, that is.”

Previously lifelong Republican and noise enthusiast Brian Johnston feels much differently about the trans community now that he’s had some experience with its members.

“I’ll tell you what, I honestly thought these people were all just kind of weird perverts, courtesy of the fact that I was listening to Jordan Peterson all day in my free time. But I’ve been coming to these girls’ shows for the last four months, and I gotta say, not only are they immensely talented at playing the loudest, most indecipherable noise I’ve ever heard, they’re all really nice,” said Johnston. “They answered all my questions, and only called me a bigot once, and that one was my bad, I’ll be real. I changed my voter registration and everything because if Lily can’t get her HRT, the GOP is gonna have to get through me!”

Democratic State Representative Lucas Lorne remained utterly clueless about his party’s ineffectiveness in protecting some of the nation’s most vulnerable.

“I just want to say it loud and clear–love is love,” Lorne said while photoshopping a rainbow flag over his LinkedIn profile photo. “We here in the great state of Missouri owe it to our gay, lesbian, bi-annual, and transvestite constituents to say we like them in as low-stakes a context as possible. The Attorney General may have tried to completely gut comprehensive healthcare for trans adults, but I promise, as your representative, I will campaign on abortion access and abortion access alone for the next six years. Wait, sorry, wrong speech.”

At press time, Johnston was seen branching out into the local non-binary music scene by attending a combination poetry reading and banjo circle event.

Slipknot Masks Ranked by How Appropriate They’d Be for a First Date

Posted on December 6, 2023 by Sean Fallon

Congratulations, you finally scored a date. But things only get more difficult from here. Where do you go on the date? But more importantly, which one of the Slipknot masks should you wear to really impress the future love of your life? Today we do the hard work so you can rest easy, read on.

12. Corey Taylor

Corey Taylor’s “The End So Far”-era mask is a masterclass in not getting that second date. Dead eyes, rictus grimace, lack of tan, it’s a recipe for getting left at the restaurant with the bill after your date shimmies out of a bathroom window and runs for their life.

11. Chris Fehn

Chris Fehn’s mask has a distinctive feature that may or may not work on a first date. The long phallic nose on an otherwise normally horrific gimp mask is a real make-or-break. Is he compensating for something? Does the mask stay on in the bedroom? Can he stop knocking over wine glasses with that thing? In the end, it does create a distancing effect that might make it hard to connect on a first date.

10. Craig Jones

Throughout his Slipknot career, Craig Jones has barely changed his look: a gimp mask bedecked with long-ass nails. So if your date is into BDSM, the gimp mask part is a winner. The downside is that the nails are always going to be a barrier to intimacy and your pillows are going to be toast.

9. Paul Gray

Pigs are cute, cut off pig faces less so. Paul Gray’s mask from Slipknot’s self-titled debut album is an image of porcine death staring out from blank eyes that will guarantee that your date becomes a vegan by the end of the night and puts a kibosh on a second date. That’ll not do, pig.

8. Jay Weinberg

During the ‘We Are Not Your Kind” era when the masks were pretty weak, Jay Weinberg’s Hannibal Lector-style mask was a standout. Staples across the mouth, pentagram carved into the forehead, this is the mask you wear on the first date provided you’re going for a certain type of romantic partner: a satanist who owns an industrial staple remover.

7. Alessandro Venturella

Yes, Alessandro Venturella’s “The End, So Far” mask makes him look like a burn victim, but if you squint he’s got some of that Deadpool without the mask to him. If your date likes Ryan Reynolds in heavy prosthetics, you might be in for a chance of a second date. Just don’t act like Deadpool or Ryan Reynolds and you should be fine.

6. Jim Root

Jim Root’s evil harlequin mask has been gradually losing parts as the years went on going from full face mask to Phantom of the Opera-style with exposed face and beard. To keep some mystique, wear his “Subliminal Verses” era mask as it is the most “handsome” of the bunch and there’s enough white space on it, your date could write her phone number on it or just draw some doodles if they get bored.

5. Tortilla Man

Tortilla Man’s mask for “The End, So Far” is a goddamn nightmare for a variety of reasons. The freaky eyes, mouth rivets and zipper, and the fact it looks like it is made of human skin is all pretty horrific, but that Dracula collar saves the day by saying that yeah, I look like I cooked and ate a human being, but I also ate this sick-ass collar. Perfect statement dressing for a first date.

4. Clown

Clown’s mask for “Vol 3.” (The Subliminal Verses) at first might elicit sympathy from your date as they wonder what kind of accident required that level of haphazard bandage work. They’ll also be impressed that post whatever industrial accident you may have had, you still made the date, that’s commitment and that means something.

3. Sid Wilson

Sid Wilson’s gas mask look is a bit 2000-22 COVID-chic but who doesn’t want a person interested in safety? For a first date, we’d suggest specifically his “Slipknot” era mask which was his gassiest. Of course, the mask might be protection from noxious fumes, it won’t hide the fact that Wilson is a DJ, which is something no one wants to think about on a first date.

2. Joey Jordison

Jordy Jordison’s mask for “All Hope is Gone” was heavily Jesus-themed so wearing it is a big swing. However, if your date is religious it might work. They may have a crush on Christ, a need for the Nazarene, and there you are: thorn-crowned in Olive Garden just as the Bible foretold.

1. Mick Thompson

Any of Mick Thompson’s looks will be best for impressing on a first date. All of his masks are modeled on a hockey mask so full face covering, big wide eyes, and a covered mouth. Show your date you can emote with those baby blues and also, as your mouth is sealed shut, you’re a great listener.