Winter is a magical time of year, but the best part of the season is the fact you can wear so many layers of clothes nobody can tell you stink to high heaven. Showering is for the birds anyway, who needs water and soap anyway? Unfortunately, sometimes people are repulsed by the stink of festering body odor. We ranked winter activities by how likely they would be to hide the fact you are a rat person who hates personal grooming.
20. Romantic Cabin Getaway
Really? You really want to put yourself and the one person who can stand to be around you and your disgusting body and attitude in a location cut off from the world where they’ll have to interact with you and only you? Any potential romance will be destroyed the second you unpack the one sweater you wear, sleep in, and use as a napkin.
19. Skiing/Snowboarding
Let’s face it, even if you knew how to ski you wouldn’t be able to afford it. And just thinking about how expensive it is will remind you of how little you’re paid because you’re stuck in a job that you hate and isn’t fulfilling while your life slips away faster each day and you’re just an insignificant speck of dust in a cosmic game of chance and misery. So don’t even bother.
18. Cross Country Skiing
A much more painful alternative to regular downhill skiing, but potentially cheaper. The layers you’re wearing will definitely hide any stink lines emanating from your rotting carcass, and your friends will assume you’re wailing and gnashing your teeth because you’re participating in one of the worst winter activities humanity ever created.
17. Winter Camping Trip
Winter camping can be a fun, weekend activity for people who enjoy the outdoors! But no one would describe you as “outdoorsy” since the only time you’re seen outside of your apartment is during your weekly restock of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, toilet paper, and whiskey. Maybe leave this one to people who can walk farther than five city blocks without getting winded.
16. Decorate A Gingerbread House
You might get lucky and the smell of warm gingerbread will cover up whatever stench you weren’t able to hide with pine-scented candles. But if you do this as a group activity, try not to lose your shit and throw your creation into the wall in front of your friends when you realize your gingerbread family has achieved something you never will: owning a house.
15. Dog Sledding
One might think that dog sledding would be an excellent activity for the lonely and solitary months of winter. Being out in the wilderness with only animals for company could be a good way to spend the short days if dogs didn’t have the ability to sniff out a pack of bacon five houses away. We recommend you skip this one, unless you want to really ruin a husky’s day.
14. Making Hot Chocolate
The sweet scent of hot cocoa will temporarily mask your crotch rot, and also remind you of being a kid when the only thing you had to do was wake up, go to school, endure hours of torment at the hands of your peers, hate the fact that you had no power or control over your life and listen to your parents fight as you tried to fall asleep. A delicious, nostalgic treat!
13. Holiday Movie Marathon
Sure, no one else has to be around as you watch some of your favorite holiday films. But will you really enjoy “It’s A Wonderful Life” when you remember that it was deemed a “subversive” movie by the FBI because you live in the United States and anything less than a full blowjob for bankers and capitalists used to be (and let’s face it, still is) considered communist propaganda? Get back to work, scum.
12. Snowmobiling
Wearing a helmet is the perfect mask for those dead eyes that haven’t looked away from your ex’s Instagram in 6 weeks. Make sure to drive the snowmobile alone, though, otherwise having a passenger will just remind you that no one wants to hold on to you in a romantic way because you’re an unlovable piece of shit with commitment issues, and boy oh boy do you stink.
11. Ice Skating
Ice skating can be a risky choice depending on your skill level. If you’re falling down a lot and generally unstable on the ice, no one will wonder why you’re crying and screaming and covered in blood. But if you have an easier time staying up, that same demeanor might draw a few questions.
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