10. Making Snow Angels
A childhood favorite for people too inept or drained of physical and emotional energy to make a snowman. This activity is fun but entirely contingent on whether the weather hasn’t been fucked enough by climate change to actually snow this year. So check the forecast, otherwise being greeted by green grass and 65 degree weather in the middle of January will send you on a climate-change fueled doom spiral.
9. Shop At A Winter Village
A little retail therapy could be helpful when you haven’t gotten off the couch since starting your tenth rewatch of “Gilmore Girls” at the beginning of November. Buying little trinkets and handmade gifts from local artisans will make you feel good for a while, but if you linger at the stalls one of the shop owners might try to convince you that the best way to fix your seasonal depression is rose quartz and patchouli oil.
8. Ice Sculpting
Treat a hunk of ice to the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” treatment and release some of your emotions in a healthy way. Take a class to learn this skill and you’ll be able to get out of the house and have interaction with another human being at least once this season. No one will be able to tell if that smell is coming from the human-shaped pile of dirty sweaters in the back of the room or the gasoline.
7. Building A Snowman
This classic winter activity is perfect for anyone looking for a friend they can never annoy or piss off. Steer clear of any magical top hats or reincarnated souls of dead fathers so you can complain and ask the man of snow if he’s mad at you all you want.
6. Snowball Fight
Do you ever just want to lose your fucking mind and take all your rage, aggression and sadness out on unsuspecting friends and family? Have a snowball fight! Easily direct all your feelings into emerging victorious and people will never suspect you nearly blinded your sister because you’re jealous of her perfect life, career, and husband.
5. Sledding
Put on a bunch of extra layers to keep yourself warm and conceal the crust under your arms for this classic winter activity. As long as no one sits behind you on the sled, you’ll be moving too fast for anyone to know that all motivation, joy, and hope left your body the day the sun started to set at 4:30 p.m.
4. Watch the Ball Drop in Times Square on New Year’s Eve
Ring in the New Year with this classic celebration! With a glittering disco ball pole dancing toward midnight as a distraction, literally no one will notice you descending deeper into a depressive episode with each second closer to midnight. But once the confetti falls, you won’t even be able to remember that you’re one year closer to your death. Maybe you’ll even get a smooch!
3. Join A Hockey Team
A group of sweaty, smelly people meeting up once a week to beat the shit out of each other in the name of sportsmanship? You’ll fit right in. They might even ask you to grab a beer or 15 after the game, which means someone won’t be drinking alone in their cold, dark apartment for the sixth night in a row.
2. Ice Fishing
Solitary. Remote. Stinky. All the things that you already are in this freezing march towards spring. Might as well use some of that time you’re spending alone and do something that can give you a modicum of tangible success. And let’s not forget you need a new profile picture for your dating app profile once the ground finally thaws.
1. Attend SantaCon
Surround yourself with a crowd of people who also smell like booze, piss, shit and vomit. When you start crying after witnessing three Santa Clauses projectile vomit into the street making you realize that your childhood is dead, everyone else will be too shit-faced to even notice. Bonus points if you get too drunk to remember the breakdown the next day.
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