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Overwhelmingly Negative Reaction Ensures New Mustache Being Tried in Jest

DETROIT — A mixture of ridicule and disgust caused local man Derek Jones to announce his new mustache is not a serious endeavor and is in fact, “Just a joke,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“I honestly thought it looked cool until I Googled pictures of Henry Cavill,” said Jones, solemnly stroking his upper lip. “I guess I thought I’d get at least a mixed reaction, maybe even some positive comments. I told myself that if I got some laughs, I could claim it was a gag anyway. What’s weird is that no one said anything. Like, at all. My closest friends didn’t say shit. My coworkers tried to change the subject. I would have forgotten I was wearing a mustache if not for the horrified looks of mothers as they pulled at the wrists of their young children.”

Stephanie Moore, Jones’ girlfriend admits she did what she could to support her partner.

“They say love is unconditional, but it’s certainly reaching a limit for me. At first, I thought, ‘Oh that’s kind of fun and cute,’ but now I can’t stop seeing just how long his upper lip is when he smiles. It’s like a Nerds’ Rope that was dropped near a barber’s chair” she said, visibly queasy. “And the way the mustache hair goes into his mouth anytime he eats a sandwich makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out. This needs to end before my parents see it, because my dad will beat the crap out of him.”

Clinical psychologist Janine Michaels says this is not an uncommon phenomenon.

“Statistically speaking, only about 5% of the population have mustaches, the majority of which belong to people who were alive when it was actually cool. For those under 60, they’ve had to make it a significant part of their personality just to survive,” said Michaels. “I’ve had a few patients over the years living behind a mustache—most of them young men who didn’t realize the error of their ways and are quietly miserable. They have to constantly make jokes about themselves being a ‘creepy uncle’ so nobody else does. It’s a hell of their own creation that is easily fixed.”

At press time, Jones admitted that his new pair of jeans, which were a slightly different shade of blue than he normally wears, were bought on a dare.