What kind of a landlord evicts his tenants just for having a three-day, all-hours music fest at his house?! I’m getting out the lease because there’s no way our landlord said we couldn’t have grindcore shows in the living room!
I can’t wait to see his face when a guy that’s been drinking 24 oz Steel Reserves around the clock for seventeen days lawyers him back to fuck-you-landlord-town. It’s an open and shut case, and I don’t mean the case of high gravity lager I’m gonna drink before my next shift as a bus driver.
Section 1: Tenant is responsible for general maintenance of the lawn and cleanliness of the home: The outdoor stage killed half the grass and all the spilled beer, cigarette butts, and passed-out bass players ruined the carpet, but nothing here says we can’t have a Hewhocorrupts reunion show on a Wednesday morning.
Section 2: Rent is due on the 1st of the month: Why did he think we had this fest in the first place? In a lot of ways, this eviction is taking money out of his own pocket. Aren’t landlords supposed to be smart?
Section 3: Tenant must park their vehicle(s) in the street: Even if Shithouse Steve had a car, set it on fire, and burnt down the garage, having a band that screams over blast beats and electric dildos perform on the roof at 2 a.m. would be chill–according to this very legal document.
Section 4: No pets allowed: I’m pretty sure the dude living on our couch would be considered a dog by almost every medical professional, but the leash he wears is mostly decorative. We’d kick him out, but Duke has a sick 7” collection.
Section 5: Tenant may not invite guests that have more than three DUIs or two hundred horror films on VHS: That literally describes half my friends, which is why the front yard was covered in mopeds. He might have something here, but it doesn’t say anything about music. That was a close call.
Section 6: No bands that lack the physical stamina and songwriting skills to perform for longer than two minutes at a time may play a show–free or suggested donation–in the living room at any time: Fuck.
I can probably crash on the bus for a while, but it’s time we checked out those grindcore-friendly condos next to the dump.
