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Report: Local Noise Scene Doing More for Trans Rights Than Every Democratic Representative Combined

ST. LOUIS – The local underground noise scene is reportedly bringing positive momentum to the trans rights movement at a substantially quicker pace than every single Democratic representative at both a state and federal level, sources confirmed.

“Honestly, we’ve built a really great community here,” said harsh noise musician and transgender woman Lily Eldritch while absentmindedly spinning knobs on a vintage synthesizer. “We all support each other emotionally, creatively, financially, politically, you name it. The most important thing when being furiously and relentlessly oppressed by the GOP is to have other people who have your back. And I’m not talking about the Democrats, either, who are all currently occupied with campaigning solely on the fact that they aren’t Republican. I’ll be honest, I think we’ve surprised some folks with how normal we are as an identity group. When we’re not playing what can be loosely defined as ‘music’ at 120 decibels, that is.”

Previously lifelong Republican and noise enthusiast Brian Johnston feels much differently about the trans community now that he’s had some experience with its members.

“I’ll tell you what, I honestly thought these people were all just kind of weird perverts, courtesy of the fact that I was listening to Jordan Peterson all day in my free time. But I’ve been coming to these girls’ shows for the last four months, and I gotta say, not only are they immensely talented at playing the loudest, most indecipherable noise I’ve ever heard, they’re all really nice,” said Johnston. “They answered all my questions, and only called me a bigot once, and that one was my bad, I’ll be real. I changed my voter registration and everything because if Lily can’t get her HRT, the GOP is gonna have to get through me!”

Democratic State Representative Lucas Lorne remained utterly clueless about his party’s ineffectiveness in protecting some of the nation’s most vulnerable.

“I just want to say it loud and clear–love is love,” Lorne said while photoshopping a rainbow flag over his LinkedIn profile photo. “We here in the great state of Missouri owe it to our gay, lesbian, bi-annual, and transvestite constituents to say we like them in as low-stakes a context as possible. The Attorney General may have tried to completely gut comprehensive healthcare for trans adults, but I promise, as your representative, I will campaign on abortion access and abortion access alone for the next six years. Wait, sorry, wrong speech.”

At press time, Johnston was seen branching out into the local non-binary music scene by attending a combination poetry reading and banjo circle event.