Ten Underrated Albums From 1997 to Show Your Younger Cousin to Make You Seem Like Less of a Loser for Being Born in the 1900s

Posted on by Scott Waldman

1997 was a prolific year for rock music with Radiohead’s “OK Computer,” Foo Fighters’ “The Colour And The Shape,” Third Eye Blind’s self-titled LP, and blink-182’s “Dude Ranch” hitting record stores; remember those? However, there are at least ten underrated albums that for one reason or another didn’t have 1/100th of the global impact that the four we referenced above and we listed them all below in alphabetical order. Before you yell at us like you always do, Lifetime’s “Jersey’s Best Dancers,” The Get-Up Kids’ “Four Minute Mile,” The Promise Ring’s “Nothing Feels Good,” Modest Mouse’s “The Lonesome Crowded West,” and other albums in both similar AND different veins are all disqualified as no one on earth but you would consider them underrated. Fun fact: For some reason the first four entries of this piece all start with the letter “H.”

Handsome “Handsome”

If you’re a fan of all things post-hardcore, whatever that means, you’d probably dig Handsome’s lone full-length studio album simply titled, “Handsome.” However, even the most post post-hardcore compatriots missed the boat on this act, which featured former members of way bigger bands Helmet and Quicksand. Now don’t panic, we won’t tell anyone that you have no more street and/or scene cred. Surprisingly to those in the know, this self-titled effort was actually on a major label, Epic Records, which also had hardcore legend Celine Dion on the roster at the time. Sadly, Handsome split up just one year after this fantastic record was released with no public signs of returning any time soon, so dim the lights and say goodbye.

(Hed)P.E. “(Hed)P.E.”

Avid Hard Times fans, stans, trolls, and brilliant beautiful baby scholars may be shocked to see Huntington Beach, California’s (Hed)P.E. here but we’re more concerned about how to type their band name. What’s good is good, and this debut self-titled release is a solid multi-genre rap-rock LP that you likely missed. In a truly awesome flex, the band is still active today, making their THIRTY year career pretty impressive, especially since their entire genre was conisdered dead. Still, the band was introduced to far more fans via their sophomore full-length studio album “Broke,” proving that baby they are survivors. Let’s get to the next act right after we ask one question to the band: What the hell is a “schpamb”?

Hi-Standard “Angry Fist”

Here’s another “H”: Huge. Yes, Japan’s Hi-Standard is enormously popular in the “Land of the Rising Sun,” but never truly broke through here in the states. Pity, as the hidden track rendition of the theme from the “Pink Panther” is more than enough to justify its inclusion on this list… However, the band missed the boat by not calling it the “Punk Panther.” There’s always next year! Anyway, Fat Wreck Chords had a hell of a run during the ’90s and we’ll mention one more FWC (via its subsidiary Honest Don’s Records) album not too long from now. In closing, we are sending every ounce of love to the family and friends of the band’s late drummer Akira Tsuneoka, who passed away in 2023.

H2O “Thicker Than Water”

For some reason, H2O’s debut and third album get a lot more attention than their sophomore full-length studio album/debut for Epitaph Records “Thicker Than Water.” We firmly believe that if this album came out today that the band would have an even larger legacy and likely be direct support on a Turnstile tour. Alas, timing is everything and nothing. At nearly twenty tracks and clocking in at just under a half hour, “Thicker Than Water” is both not much of an investment of your time and a fast, fast punch in the gut that you will enjoy as much as your masochist hearts will allow… Gotta figure it out, all YOU have to do is try!

Limp “Pop & Disorderly”

And now for something completely different: We’re at the section we briefly mentioned earlier about Honest Don’s Records! Dance with bugs to celebrate! The San Francisco Bay’s Limp repped the Fat Wreck Chords endorsement quite well, but likely due to the saturation of bands of this ilk around this time may have gotten lost in the melodic punk shuffle… In fact, they may have gotten lost in FWC’s collective shuffle! Regarding such, we blame you and only you, and we won’t make a Wes Borland joke right now, as it’s low hanging fruit. To quote a younger Roman Reigns, “Believe that!” This record is all killer no filler, and the band’s cover of Lindsey Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac’s “Holiday Road” supplants that fact that doubles as our opinion.

The Muffs “Happy Birthday to Me”

The Muffs’ Kim Shattuck was a badass and she will forever be missed. The band’s last major label record “Happy Birthday To Me” was not only her favorite Muffs release, but easily the most underrated full-length studio album in their even more underrated album catalog. The Muffs are so, so, SO much more than the opening cover song in “Clueless,” and if you disagree you’re, uh, clueless; yeah. Shoutouts are also in order for the band’s rhythm section consisting of Ronnie Barnett on bass and Roy McDonald on drums. This power trio was truly powerful, saccharine, influential, and most importantly, fun. Self-produced albums can go in any qualitative direction, but The Muffs surely got this one right, and vocalist/guitarist/frontwoman/genius found a way to be at the/share the helm for their remaining efforts. Every time one listens to this release, it feels like a birthday!

MU330 “Crab Rangoon”

As stated earlier, NorCal’s Fat Wreck Chords had a heavy hand in many incredible full-length studio albums of the ‘90s, but the same could be said about NorCal’s Asian Man Records as well AMR, not ASMR, has released LPs from Alkaline Trio, Joyce Manor, Skankin’ Pickle, and more, but MU330 truly deserves to complete that “Big Four” with their incredible and underrated catalog. “Crab Rangoon” is easily our favorite one from the band, and this record finds a way to merge Weezer dork rock with third wave ska upstrokes. One may think that that combo won’t work, and many more still use ska as a punchline, but open your minds and try to give multi-genre effort a chance even though we know you just want more Anal Cunt. It rules and you don’t.

Silent Majority “Life Of A Spectator”

Your favorite Long Island bands LOVE this band/album… and that’s NOT all we have to say about that! Melodic hardcore is both a highly specific and vague genre of music, but SM managed to fit it to a “T.” Spin “Life Of A Spectator” right now to learn more and take a pause to honor the band’s late founding member/guitarist Rich Bacovina. Fun fact: Silent Majority featured band members who went on to join way bigger acts Bayside, Glassjaw, and more. Funner opinion that should be a more popular opinion: This record slapped then, and is even more timeless now. Is Silent Majority the most underrated act on this list? Well we don’t know, and nor do we play favorites, but the answer is “yes.”

that dog. “Retreat from the Sun”

You know those incredibly beautiful and haunting female vocals on Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American”? Yeah, that’s that dog.’s Rachel Haden. You know the main female vocals on Weezer’s popular non-album track “I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams”? Also, Rachel Haden. Now let’s get to that dog.: The original lineup consisted of Rachel’s sister Petra, Anna Waronker, and Tony Maxwell, all of which deserve as many props as Rachel but we wanted to showcase that you know the band even if you don’t KNOW know the band. Now let’s get to “Retreat from the Sun”: You can call it alternative, you can call it pop-rock, but we here just call it awesome. Sadly the band split after this, their third album, but happily they reunited the next century and put out another, “Old LP,” in 2019 just before the coronavirus apocalypse.

Voodoo Glow Skulls “Baile de Los Locos”

Dance of the crazy people? To quote the man who ends each episode of “Nathan for You”: “Absolutely.” Whether you want to admit it or not, many ska or ska-adjacent albums ruled in and ruled THE ’90s. We still don’t know why Riverside, California’s hybrid frenetic rock and roll band Voodoo Glow Skulls’ third full-length studio album didn’t launch the band to Reel Big Fish heights, but we suppose that this ain’t no disco. Regardless, check it out right now as there are no bands that sound like VGS and no bands should… Our collective souls will remain sick until you spin it! Plus, this album contains a song called “Freeballin’.” Tom Petty would be so, so proud.

Every Tigers Jaw Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

If you remember aimlessly walking around the local mall and eating at Sbarro with your Converse, or god forbid, your Osiris skate shoes, chances are that you’re an avid Tigers Jaw fan. The Pennsylvania band has been around since 2005 and have proclaimed themselves as “a real cool band,” which given the self confidence, is actually real cool. And more, importantly, they’ve got the track record to support their claim, as you’ll see in our ranking. Now let us be very clear, Tigers Jaw has no bad albums, which makes ranking their albums very difficult. We love them all, but we are forced by law to rank them. So here we go.

6. Belongs to the Dead (2006)

Whether it’s the 2005 version or the much better mixed 2006 version of their debut, Tigers Jaw came out of the gate swinging. The signature charmingly laid back vocal delivery of Adam McIlwee in combination with the jangly guitars and smooth bass lines make for an enjoyable listen. Unfortunately, we’re putting it in last because songs like “Okay Paddy,” “Heat,” and “The Sun” would be rerecorded on their self-titled album, and to be frank, they’re much better on that album.

Play it again: “Danielson”
Skip it: “Okay Paddy,” “Heat,” “The Sun” are all much better on S/T

5. I Won’t Care How You Remember Me (2021)

This album marks the third release since the departure of 3 original members, including lead singer Adam McIlwee. The band transitioned nicely into the new lineup on the prior two albums, with longtime members Brianna Collins and Ben Walsh picking up the slack on vocals. On this album, the lyrical content has expanded, which allows the duo to paint a brighter picture and potentially scare off any listeners who are scared of words with more than two syllables. So, it’s a win-win, really.

Play it again: “Cat’s Cradle,” “Can’t Wait Forever,” “Lemon Mouth”
Skip it: “Never Wanted To,” “Heaven Apart”

4. Two Worlds (2010)

From a quick glance at the length of the lyrics, you might be surprised to see how much Tigers Jaw actually has to say on this album. On “Two Worlds,” McIlwee sings “I want to be a loser forever, man.” Which, when sung by an actual loser (i.e. Rivers Cuomo) might sound sad and pathetic, but here it sounds badass and cool as fuck. With that, and the continuation of the band’s mall rock inspired sound, puts Two Worlds at #4.

Play it again: “Thank You Noah Lowry,” “Return”
Skip it: “I Saw the Wolf”

3. Spin (2017)

Now we know what you’re thinking. “Back in my day, pop punk and emo albums were less than 35 minutes, not any of this 42 minute bullshit.” Shut up. Back in your day, successful musicians wouldn’t have to teach art to supplement their income to afford a studio apartment. And besides, we’re not complaining about the runtime, especially considering tracks like “Escape Plan” and “Window” excel with that quintessential Tigers Jaw sound.

Play it again: “June,” “Escape Plan,” “Guardian”
Skip it: “Same Stone”

2. Charmer (2014)

Although this was the first album following the departure of former members Adam McIlwee, Dennis Mishko, and Pat Brier, it sounds like they never left. Well. That’s because they didn’t, not until “Charmer” was finished. Part swan song, part reinvention of the band, 100% pure emo bliss. Not to mention the iconic album cover, which at first glance looks like a handkerchief, but it’s actually something much cooler. An embroidered handkerchief.

Play it again: “Cool,” “Hum,” “Soft Spoken,” “Divide”
Skip it: If you really have to, “I Envy Your Apathy”

1. Tigers Jaw (2008)

This is the one with the pizza on the cover. That should honestly be enough of an explanation of why it’s at the top spot of our ranking but, we’ll explain our reasoning for anyone not convinced. McIlwee puts on a masterclass in pop punk/emo lyricism with highlights in every song. On top of that, the band really excels in tracks like “I Saw Water” and “Meals on Wheels,” especially Brianna Collins’ subtle keyboard playing. Don’t believe us? Just buy the album, buy a cheese pizza, sit back in that sofa chair and reminisce about the late aughts like the sad sack you are.

Play it again: “The Sun,” “Heat,” “I Saw Water” honestly the whole album.
Skip it: No need to skip anything, in fact, just hit replay.

Joe Biden Visited By Own Ghost

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden was reportedly startled late last night after he was unexpectedly visited by his own ghost, concerned aides confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I’m here with a dire warning about a crisis that will lead this country to ruin if you don’t make a change fast, but uh, I can’t quite remember what that message was,” said the Ghost of Joe Biden, appearing before his own corporeal form. “Don’t worry, it’ll come to me, it’s probably something about the economy. Or maybe it was some war, are we still in that kerfuffle with the Soviet Union? Well you know what they say, if it was really that important you wouldn’t forget. Wanna go get some ghastly ice cream?”

Despite being initially scared after seeing his own spirit appear to him, President Biden and his ghost have reportedly struck up a fast friendship.

“At first I thought my own ghost showing up was gonna be bad news, but I gotta say, Ghost Joe is a great hang. We went to Dave and Buster’s, shared some loaded nachos, and we even pranked Kamala by making it look like the nuclear football briefcase was floating across the room all by itself,” said Biden, redeeming arcade tickets for a pair of Nerf guns. “He seemed really stressed about something bad that was gonna happen to the country soon, so I’m glad we could take his mind off of it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, whatever it is, I still got another couple years as President to fix it.”

White House staffer Kevin Greene is concerned about how much time the two Presidents are spending together.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the President finally made a friend—but it’s just that we have all these judicial confirmations and bills he needs to sign before Trump takes office in January and they keep spilling root beer on the paperwork,” said Greene, picking up nerf darts strewn across the Oval Office. “Plus they keep trying to do the twin trick where they switch places for meetings he doesn’t want to go to. We almost had an international incident after Ghost Joe scared the shit out of Mohammed bin Salman.”

At press time, the Democratic National Committee was reportedly considering running Ghost Joe for President in the 2028 Election.

Calling Bullshit: This Guy Put One of Those “Bought It Before We Knew He Was Crazy” Bumper Stickers on His Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Let’s all take a moment to play the world’s smallest violin for first-gen Tesla owners. On the one hand they were able to afford a Tesla between 2008 and 2018 so their life isn’t what you would call a struggle, but a lot of them sincerely thought they were doing a good thing. If you’re the type of asshole that can afford a luxury car you do get SOME points for buying one with a significantly reduced environmental impact, and that’s what they thought they were doing. Then, Elon Musk offset that collective eco-frendliness by launching one into space for no reason, and has gotten crazier by the day ever since.

It’s little wonder why so many Tesla owners wish to distance themselves from the Musk brand without sacrificing their beloved cars. That’s probably why anti-Musk bumper stickers have become so popular with among them. It’s a way to show the world that you had no idea what a dumpster-fire Musk was when you made your purchase so you can have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, we recently spotted a Tesla customer who seems to be exploiting the system.

Randall Hapkins is the 32-year -old owner of a Tesla Cybertruck featuring a bumper sticker that reads “Bought it before we knew how crazy he was.” Seriously dude? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

The Cybertruck wasn’t even introduced to the world until 2019. You watched the same demo we all watched, saw Musk presenting that unyielding, PS1-graphics-come-to-life monstrosity saying “Look at how bulletproof this hunk of shit is!” and then effortlessly smashing it to hell with a baseball bat and shrugging. Are you trying to say your takeaway from that was “Wow, what a sane and cool man!”? We. Call. Bullshit.

Okay, let’s say you did. Maybe you happened to suffer a blow to the head and got dosed with salvia that day, whatever. The first Cybertrucks weren’t delivered until November of 2023 my guy. You had four years to cancel your order with a full refund on your deposit. You’re trying to tell us that in that entire time Musk didn’t do anything that raised an eyebrow for you? When he bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms to make it more anti-semite friendly you were like “That’s so sensible I might buy TWO Cybertrucks!”?

What exactly WAS the watershed moment for you? Like, were you on board all the way through him announcing his plan to illegally purchase votes for Trump, but then he jumped up and down revealing his midsection and that just broke the spell? You saw that pale, foie gras and fried songbird stuffed belly and finally realized “Woah, this guy might have a screw loose!”? Or is it just that you can only pretend you enjoy people pointing and laughing at your car everywhere you go for so long? Our money is on the latter pal.

It’s too late for you friend, no one’s welcoming you onto this bandwagon. You made your bed, now drive in it. At least until the next recall. It’s been a few months, we’re probably due for one.

Metalhead Still Riding High After Receiving $6.66 Back in Change from Gas Station 3 Days Ago

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made at a gas station convenience store a few days ago, denim-clad sources report.

“This was almost as fulfilling as the time my credit score hit 666,” said Kingsley with a large wad of beef jerky in his mouth. “I walked in to get my usual ‘fountain Dew’ and a slice of breakfast pizza, and I was stoked when I noticed they brought back Strawberry Tab on draft. But that’s only the beginning, I also scored seven chipotle chicken and cheddar Tornados that were discounted for having been under the heat lamp for seven hours. All that for $3.34! And to top it off, getting the number of the beast back in change, it was as if Lucifer himself forged that $10 dollar bill. Hail Satan!”

Kingley’s partner Amanda Glasston almost immediately noticed a change in her boyfriend’s mood since that day.

“I love seeing Devon so happy. He even hung the receipt on the fridge over a photo of us,” Glasston explained. “I think the last time I’ve seen him so pumped was when he spotted a used copy of Sodom’s ‘Agent Orange’ at the record shop down the street for only $4.20. He already had a copy, but he just thinks it’s cool to spot one in the wild for the price of the ‘marijuana number.’ Metalheads really are just simple folk. Unfortunately, he’s been trying to get $6.66 change ever since. He got close once with a $6.63 change amount but, according to him, it just wasn’t the same.”

Gas station manager Ron Brudunski noted several occasions where metalheads celebrated their “evil” change amounts.

“I’m not into the whole Satan or heavy metal thing myself, but it seems like every weekend I get hordes of them coming in and buying 40s and our pre-made sandwiches,” Brudunski explained. “But I’d rather have a million metalheads give me the horns or what-not because of their change than hear one more asshole say ‘$17.76? That was a pretty good year’ or some dumbshit like that. Some people still say, ‘No price. That means it’s free, right?’ Honestly, I’ll take metalheads over lame dudes any day.”

At press time, Kingsley’s mood was further improved after he spotted a Scottish Terrier that had a striking resemblance to Lemmy.

Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the Year

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.

We had our choice locked and loaded. It was going to be our buddy Dirty Doug, he had a hell of a year. He ate 30 cigarettes on a dare, and didn’t throw a single one up. He bit a cop who was trying to arrest him for being drunk and disorderly, and he claims he hasn’t showered since February. This man deserved the award. Then everything changed. On December 4th a masked gunman shot and killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then fled the scene on a bike. We knew at that moment we had a new contender for Punk of the Year.

It turns out that man was Luigi Mangione. You might be saying, “But he’s a rich kid from a life of privilege, he can’t be punk.” Well, tell that to every crust punk you have ever met. The biggest difference between Mangione and your average crust punk is that Mangione actually took action. He didn’t just tell his dad to fuck off and then go panhandle downtown, anyone can do that. No, our Punk of the Year did something that might actually foment change for once.

The bar for Punk of the Year has been raised to an impossible level, we only hope next year’s recipient is as deserving.

Punk Charity Drive Raises 20,000 Loose Cigarettes for Families in Need

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

MOORPARK, Calif. — Local charitable punk Branden Shaffer helped raise an unprecedented number of individual cigarettes during a holiday donation drive, according to coughing sources.

“It’s great to see our community support each other,” said Shaffer, between drags. “There are already food banks and clothing drives for the needy, but who is going to provide our neighbors these forgotten tobacco essentials? We created Spare Smokes so those households blessed with a full pack can share with the less fortunate who need to bum one. Even if you can only spare a few loosies from that crushed pack in your pocket, that small act could change the lives of a struggling family with no source of nicotine until payday. And these 20,000 cigarettes will ensure that dozens of local families won’t have to worry about where their next puff will come from.”

One donor spoke from personal experience of the organization’s philanthropy.

“It wasn’t that long ago that I struggled with cigarette insecurity,” shared Clark Rivas, before dropping a handful of Marlboros into the drive’s donation bin. “But Spare Smokes was there for us in my family’s time of need. They made sure our home was filled with the haze and comforting smell of smoke during a holiday season when we couldn’t even afford to roll our own. But now that I’m back on my feet, I can buy a fresh pack every morning. It’s an honor to give back to my community, one American Spirit at a time.”

This often-unfulfilled need for nicotine has been studied by Alex Mora, an economist familiar with the cigarette drive.

“Have you seen the price of a pack of smokes lately?” Mora shouted, while gesturing that he needed to borrow a lighter. “It’s over ten bucks a pack at the gas station, even for the shitty ones! The average smoker spends several hundred dollars per month just to meet their basic needs. We’ve had reports of some families going days at a time without a single Parliament Light just to afford the rising costs of groceries, rent, and beer. With no government systems in place to assist with this basic necessity, many are dependent on the goodwill of their community to have any cigs at all. If only there was a Universal Basic Cigarette policy in place.”

At press time, Shaffer was seen trying to salvage what was left of the donated cigarettes after accidentally spilling a full beer into the collection bin.

How To Support Your Local Neighborhood Businesses Even Though They Are All Full of Shit Nobody Wants

Posted on by Rose Eden

The holidays are back once again and many feel the urgent community responsibility of purchasing their loved one’s gifts from local, neighborhood stores even though they are all basically full of shit that nobody wants. To make matters even tougher during a time when many of us are already financially struggling, most of the items are so overly marked up that shoppers are put in a “double bind” of paying higher prices for gifts they’re 98% sure their friends and family won’t even like.

With the understanding that a lot of local neighborhood shops are overblown vanity projects for rich kids, tax breaks for heirs, and a productive way for well-off retirees to spend their free time and 401K payouts, we here at The Hard Times understand that not all small business owners and retail buyers are exactly in touch, so to say, with their fingers on the pulse of what consumers actually want this holiday season. Therefore, we’ve put together a guide on how to actually support these small businesses, despite them being full of shit that nobody actually wants.

Remember the street cred you’ll receive:

Keep in mind that most of us are exhausted this time of year, so many utilize services like Amazon Prime or superstores like Target or Walmart to purchase gifts and have them delivered straight to their door hassle free. The fact that you picked out a crafty gift with a questionable level of taste at a local small business not only means that you physically went out shopping to hand select the item yourself, but you also paid approximately 40% more than anyone else because of the outrageous markups applied to the items. Once the gift is opened, however ugly, any and all who phoned in their gift by slapping a curly ribbon on a bottle of wine will bow their heads in shame for not making the extra effort.

Consider all the extra cardio you’ll get:

While shopping at local, neighborhood businesses, you might find yourself turning an item over in your hands while saying: “What the hell is this?” followed by: “They want how much for this?!” causing you to carefully place the item back down and slowly back away. The problem is, you may have to circle the store many times to find anything that’s even halfway decent to give as a gift. Often, you will have to visit several stores in vain just to end up returning to the initial establishment you started at, tumultuously deliberating between a stapler shaped like a dachshund and a vase resembling a woman’s rear end. This deliberation process will often burn hundreds of calories as you scour the dusty shelves of several shops in search of something… anything that isn’t so embarrassing to leave under the tree that the recipient doesn’t immediately assume it’s a gag gift.

Utilize the long, slow, wide-eyed nod:

When purchasing and/or handing over a gift that you know is kind of tacky or crappy, be sure to make eye contact with the cashier or recipient and do the long, slow, nod while saying, “It’s from a local business in my neighborhood, I’m sure they’ll/you’re going to love it! It’s important to support businesses that are local, especially these days, in this economy.” Everyone knows that all too familiar, loaded, and somewhat delusional nod as a cue to ask no further questions and accept the circumstance at hand. They will feel so awkward from being thoroughly guilt tripped, no comments will be made about how nobody really wants a t-shirt that says: “Oh Kale No!” They’ll pretend to love it, while discreetly checking to see if there’s a gift receipt somewhere in the packaging.

Stay within a budget, but do not correlate price to value:

In circumstances like these, it’s always good to be mindful of not going over budget, but do keep in mind that items found at local, neighborhood stores are rarely worth the asking price. If $20 is your gifting budget, for example, you probably won’t get more than a pair of socks with avocados on them, but that’s still way better than the $40 Golden Girls coaster set or a $70 dream catcher made by some girl who hangs at the neighborhood dive bar named Hannah. Consider it as a sort of parallel dimension where cost has absolutely no correlation to value and the more you spend, well, nobody really cares, but you’ll sleep well at night knowing you supported a local, neighborhood business.

Remember that regifting is always an option:

The holidays are a singular annual occasion, but always keep in mind that most individuals have to give several birthday presents and even white elephant gifts throughout the course of each year. Therefore, if they don’t care for the gift you’ve given them utilizing the long, slow, eye contact heavy nod, (see #3) they can always stash it away with the intention of regifting it to someone else. Who would have the nerve to ask where that tacky gift is that you got them last Christmas the next time they come over? They absolutely would not dare. They can then also use that same long, slow nod, explaining it’s from a local neighborhood business in order to guilt trip their friends and family into strained gratitude, which is especially effective for giving gifts to folks you don’t really care for, or want to be around.

Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving Stains

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.

“We realized that some people need to unleash a little aggression during cleaning. Unlike its smiley-faced counterpart, the Scrub Sub offers a submissive approach to grime, that really lets you unleash on stubborn stains,” Scrub Daddy marketing director Hannah Miller said while violently twisting the Scrub Sub in her hand. “There’s a satisfaction in dominating a sponge that doesn’t just clean but likes to get dirtier in the process. The Scrub Sub deserves to be governed. The Scrub Sub wants to be coated in the most disgusting fluids and thank you for it. It’s a sponge that’s here to take it, no matter how nasty things get.”

Not everyone, however, is on board with this spongy new product.

“Honestly, this is a bit much,” commented TikToker Darcy Simmons, a cleaning enthusiast and so-called “Sponge Influencer.” “Cleaning should be about the satisfaction of reaching a spotless result, not about indulging in the dirty. The Scrub Sub seems like a gimmick—what happened to just getting things clean without all this… subtext? They say once you grip the Scrub Sub, it will let you push it as hard and long as you need. Oh, wow, ok that’s kind of exhilarating. It starts off as a soft sponge but gets firmer the harder you scrub. I take back everything I said and am open for sponsorships.”

Experts believe that, in an era of repressed desires, the Scrub Sub is exactly what the cleaning world needs.

“In human development, people want to dominate their environment, but they don’t always get that opportunity,” Dr. Amanda Barnes, professor of Consumer Psychology at Franklin University explained. “Having a product like this sponge gives people a safe way to assert power over something. It allows them to release a side of themselves that wants to punish, especially over something that wants to yield to that punishment. The Scrub Sub is therapeutic for those pent up urges of, um, many types.”

As of press time, Scrub Daddy is still working on giving the Scrub Sub the ability to express a safe word for when things get too dirty.

Latest Democratic Fundraiser Email Just Nancy Pelosi Asking For a Ride to the Airport

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Democratic voters were left puzzled today after the party’s latest round of fundraising emails was just Nancy Pelosi asking if they could drive her to the airport, sources confirmed.

“Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the airport at 5 a.m. on Saturday. You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?” said Pelosi as she dictated the fundraising email. “Also, it would really help heal our fractured nation if you swung by Starbucks and picked up a decaf skim latte with a dash of cinnamon on your way to pick me up.”

Democratic voter Greg Leonard revealed that his inbox was completely flooded by requests from politicians begging for help with mundane tasks.

“I thought the Democratic fundraising emails would dry up once the election was over, but they’ve only gotten worse—this one is just a picture of a sobbing Chuck Schumer holding an allen wrench saying that he can’t protect democracy if I don’t help him put together this Vebjörn desk from IKEA,” said Leonard, scrolling through his inbox. “Then there’s this email from Biden asking me to help him move on January 20th, and oh great, look what just came in: ‘Greg! Hospice care for Jimmy Carter isn’t free. Will you step up?'”

Meanwhile the Trump campaign took a slightly different tactic with their own relentless fundraising email campaigns.

“ATTENTION! Will YOU visit Uncle Sam’s widow after the DEMONcrats murder him on live TV? Hillary Clinton has promised to shoot a bald eagle in the face, and we won’t be able to stop her if you don’t chip in seventeen dollars to the Trump campaign to save ‘UNCLE SAM the eagle,’” read the email, displayed in a red font resembling dripping blood. “Crooked Hillary is promising she will continue to execute an eagle every hour if you don’t pitch in to help TRUMP buy UNCLE SAM a bulletproof vest. And a commemorative gold-plated replica of Uncle Sam’s bulletproof vest can be yours for just $69.99!”

At press time, reports revealed a recent Libertarian Party email just reminded the recipient that they needed to tell them if they were a cop before they asked for a favor or it would be entrapment.