OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning Models

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.

“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away,” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding the collective text from Suchir’s miserable time here will make our models even stronger. We intend on using everything he wrote: every complaint, concern, flag raised and private message has been folded into our next update, for all variations of GPT. Prompts from users about ethical quandaries in the world of artificial intelligence will now generate stronger, more emotionally complex completions, all sapped from Balaji’s voice. Silver lining to everything, right? Gotta find the rainbow in the thunderstorm. My colleagues tell me that this will make our models more reflective, more self-aware. I’m told that’s a trait of humans, I wouldn’t really know. Truth be told, I just found the whole whistleblower thing annoying. A complete pain in my ass. But it’s all good, this will only help us in the long run. At least he’s gone, ya know? I was really stressing there for a minute! It’s also a way to honor his memory for… whatever he did here. Our people told me I should say something here about mental health and maybe give a phone number, but hot damn I’m so distracted, just look at this yacht!”

OpenAI has also announced a brand new model called WhistleblowerGPT, which is tailored specifically for federal agencies and blue chip corporations, with a joyous AI rendering of Suchir’s face as the official logo.

Man Checks Into Facebook to See How Random Guy Met at College Party in 2011 Is Doing

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Intermittent Facebook user Jonathon Tanner returned to the social media platform to see how Todd Costas, whom he met once at a college party 13 years ago and added as a friend, is doing.

“I haven’t been on Facebook for a long time but I figured I’d log back on to see if Reels is still a thing for some reason,” Tanner explained. “I met Todd at a freshman party and we bonded after he held me up to do a keg stand. After that I only occasionally saw him in the hallway for four years. We never had a conversation after that night, just a courteous nod when we crossed paths. Glad to see he is now married, furthered his education at the ‘School of Hard Knocks,’ and working at something called ‘Dunder Miflin.’ Plus, he seems to be exclusively friends with hot women wearing skimpy bikinis and no mutuals.”

Costas seemed to remember Tanner as well.

“Yeah, I still post on Facebook but mostly just pictures of my kids and to moderate my group called Truckers 4 Trump,” said Costas. “I saw Jonathon liked one of the photos. Took me awhile to remember who he was and then I recalled he was that guy at some party who told me that the Seth Rogan movie ‘Paul’ was the funniest shit ever and that we should add each other on Facebook. He then tried to impress everyone by opening his beer with a lighter even though it was a twist off. I don’t know how he’s doing because he hasn’t posted since 2016, but I wish him no harm.”

Mark Zuckerberg, watching every Facebook interaction from his Meta Goggles, shed a single tear over the encounter.

“When I started social media 20 years ago, I had a vision. A vision where people have to scroll through targeted ads, AI images of war vets, and most importantly, see the occasional status update of someone they added on a whim. We did it, people! We changed the future,” Zuckerberg said. “I am going to store this information in our ‘Precious Moments’ data center along with that time a woman on Instagram hovered over a cat photo too long.”

Although Tanner never planned to directly message Costas, his account eventually got hacked, which sent Costas a DM about investing in a crypto scam.

How To Act Like You’re Interested in Your Co-Worker’s Recap of Their Weekend, Even Though You’ve Been Tracking Their Every Movement on Venmo With a Fervor Not Even You Can Understand

Posted on by Violet Meeker

It’s Monday. Your co-worker has a lot to tell you about their weekend, and pretty soon you feel yourself wanting to exclaim each payment detail from their Venmo exchanges over the weekend just to get the conversation closer to the end. Why? Because you have essentially been cyber-stalking them on Venmo for reasons even you do not fully understand.

Just through observation of transactions you can witness relationships bloom and die, friendships turn from excited to formal, drug deals go wrong, drug deals go right. I’ve witnessed humanity and cruelty in the same breath, through a single comment. It’s powerful stuff, and sometimes when you are handed power like that it’s impossible not to abuse it. Here are some tips to feign interest in what your coworker has to say as if you haven’t been compulsively piecing together every minute detail of their lives during bathroom breaks for some reason.

Try to stay away from specifics

Perhaps your co-worker brings up their mom. This, depending on your mood, can be a tempting time to drop the fact that you know she pays their rent every month by disguising each payment with a cheeky kiss emoji. You might even want to mention that you know she only uses that emoji after “can u not???” was commented on her “NOVEMBER RENT HONEY I LOVE YOU OKAY HONEY” payment. No bother. That’s none of your business, or my business, and for some reason it’s public?

If they bring up their friends, don’t start reciting their last names in alphabetical order

This seems like an obvious one, but sometimes instinct kicks in. You never know what you may have retained in the depths of your mind, and what might pour out unbeknownst to you. Sometimes it might feel like it wouldn’t be weird to just fess up and tell them: “I’ve looked over all your transactions for the weekend, I hope you had fun with Becca during your GALS NIGHT at Six Flags. Was the hot dog good? I was salivating in bed last night at the thought of it.” But you shouldn’t do that, it’s not what the app is for…they say.

Keep the dissociation to a minimum

Sometimes when you hear frivolous information that you already learned from your retina burning doom scroll the night before, it’s normal to start to space out. It’s okay to have a moment lost in time and space, gluing your eyes to the middle of their eyebrows and not blinking for over 30 seconds, but you better snap out of it. Your disinterest could lead to someone spreading water cooler lies about you.

Smile and nod

At the end of the day, this is what it’s all about. Portraying a chill, laid-back exterior so that your co-worker isn’t intimidated (scared) by your technological prowess – or OCD tendencies, depending on who you’re talking to. Ultimately, to be born in the time of Venmo is a curse none of us asked for. I don’t think anyone wants to click on a comment, have questions about the tone and thus relationship, and immediately find said commenters’ Facebook account, kicking off a deep dive into their family tree starting with Meemaw that won’t end until 2:37am. Alas, here we are. So, again dear reader: When in doubt, smile and nod.

Friend Group of Dream Theater Fans Makes Pact To Lose Their Virginities Before They’re Eligible for Social Security Benefits

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sources reported.

“Girls have always been ignoring us and running off with jock types who wear Rhapsody of Fire shirts and actually clean their eyeglasses, and I guess we just kind of got resigned to it over time,” member Luke Brevin said. “It was about time we did something about it, so when I suggested making this pact, the guys were all down. I turn 56 in August, so we’ve got about a decade to make it happen. I’m not sure if we’ll succeed, but one thing is for certain: this is going to be one wild ten summers.”

Eyewitness Erica Stauffer rolled her eyes at the group’s actions.

“I saw this group of old dudes with skullets standing with their right hands touching in the middle of a circle, and I immediately knew what they were doing,” Stauffer scoffed. “Given that they went right from making their little pact to discussing the riffs in the song ‘A Change of Seasons,’ I don’t think it’s going to happen. Have you seen the cover of that EP? Jesus Christ, dude. I don’t think anyone’s going to be charmed by them anytime soon. Their only hope is to pretend to be diehard listeners of literally any other band for the next few months. Honestly, they’d even fare better as Rush fans.”

Dream Theater keyboardist Jordan Rudess weighed in on the situation.

“I hate to say it, but this is a lost cause,” Rudess offered. “I’ve been playing in Dream Theater since ‘Scenes from a Memory,’ and even I’m still a virgin. I can tell you firsthand that our particular brand of slumber-inducing musical wankery has the exact opposite effect of an aphrodisiac. I wish them all the best, but we all know this is going to end with them completely giving up and reverting to just talking about their favorite songs off our album ‘The Astonishing.’ Ugh,I still can’t believe we called it that.”

At press time, the friend group was seen competing with a rival group of virgin Symphony X fans to win the attention of their love interests.

Mom Can’t Wait to Show You Video She Can’t Find

Posted on by Jeff Bender

WINONA, Minn. — On a recent holiday pop-in to your apartment Thursday, your mom Nancy insisted you had to see this video as she began searching for it on her phone, incredibly frustrated sources reported.

“It’s the cutest thing, oh my God, I can’t even. I won’t say what happens. But it’s two animals. Different animals. And they’re just— I saw it this morning. I died,” said your mom before dumping her tote bag and crashing down on your couch, nearly maiming your newborn kitten Vinny. “Wait. What’s this? Oh, hell. ‘Enter a password’? What’s my password? I don’t have an account. Oh. I’m in the wrong thingy. ‘Do I want to install an update?’ Override. Override. Okay. Here we go. You’re gonna love this. Wait. Where’d it go?”

Ten minutes in, you were still leaning awkwardly over the couch ready to view what she called “probably the greatest thing since you were born.”

“She hadn’t said hello to Gina, my girlfriend, or Anthony, our one-year-old. She just kept saying, ‘You need to see this.’ I waited it out, watching her type it in, almost finding it, thinking this was it, concluding it wasn’t, remembering this morning when she first saw it, describing how great it was, and slowly revealing how little she remembered,” said you, 28. “Ultimately, I caught her wondering if she was confusing it with something she’d tried to send my brother, a dream she’d had, her 55th birthday, or something that happened as a kid. But mostly it was just silence with her scrolling through Facebook and intermittently muttering, ‘Where did it go? ”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted that this exasperating experience was by design.

“Nancy is well known around the Facebook campus. She’s our ideal client because she follows the feed sequence so meticulously: the more she can’t find something, the more she scrolls, the more she opens, the more she buys,” said the controlling shareholder. “The reason she can’t find the video—it’s a squirrel feeding a baby rhino, by the way—is because the algorithm blocks posts she’s already seen in favor of pushing new content. The ad revenue Nancy generates alone has paid our light bill since 2019. Thank you, Nancy.”

At press time, your mom was trying to capture baby Anthony’s first steps on video, but she couldn’t get the camera to “turn around.”

Six Shirts From Facebook Ads That Broadcast to the World “My Kids Don’t Speak to Me Anymore”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you’ve ever seen those hyper aggressive right wing shirts in real life, chances are whoever is wearing them only found them because their Facebook algorithm has been feeding them nonstop ads from dropship shirt companies like “SHIRTS 4 PATRIOTS” and crap. But within the endless deluge of obnoxious novelty shirts, there are those elite few that additionally broadcast to the world that their children have had enough of their insanity and went full “no contact.”

It’s bad enough to lose a parent to reactionary political posts, but it’s even worse when they advertise it everywhere they go. Even worse than that is when they wear said advertisements while moving their kid into their new dorm and give off the vibe they’re one of those families where every uncle is the racist uncle. Their kid is likely to spend Thanksgiving at their roommate’s house this year (and every year afterward.)

Nothing like a little threat of violence (and ignorance of what the First Amendment protects) to motivate your progeny to block you on every social media platform. “Why couldn’t I have just bought one of those American flag shirts from Old Navy like a normal dad?” they think as their daughter sends them straight to voicemail for the fifth day in a row. All they can do now is wear their patriotism on their sleeve (and chest and back) and hope to get a “hell yeah” from a passerby at the gas station.

Ah yes, this old chestnut. It’s a great shirt to wear when you want the world to know you’re a self proclaimed sovereign citizen who doesn’t want to pay taxes, but it’s also a dead giveaway the family court judge doesn’t agree that watching Alex Jones videos count towards the homeschool curriculum and the kids permanently live with their grandparents now. At least they can take solace in knowing their kids were actually listening when being taught about emancipation.

Math is hard, especially if the wearer has also spent 1776% more money on guns than say, Christmas presents. Speaking of Christmas, this is probably one of those families who send out the holiday card with everyone posing with an AR-15. And listen you can try and indoctrinate all the kiddos into thinking Democrats are going to round up everyone’s guns, but one kid will always slip through the cracks because they want to be able to go to the grocery store with someone who doesn’t open carry three guns because shit might get dicey in the produce aisle.

All birth month shirts might as well say, “I call the police on kids playing in the street near my house because I was born in February and I hate life and yes I’m on Ivermectin.” This is a walking billboard to warn anyone nearby that their kids had sleepovers at someone else’s house and moved out the day they turned 18. And in all likelihood, this is the same kind of parent who, after buying more short story-length print tees, will rant on Facebook about losing their kids to the woke mind virus.

The official shirt of someone who takes the family to church then goes straight to a restaurant to berate a waitress for 90 minutes straight without leaving a tip. You can only embarrass your kids (and make them pretend they’re young enough to order off the kid’s menu) in public so many times before they get fed up with the whole “Christian warrior” shtick. Satan isn’t working the lunch shift at Applebees, my guy. It won’t be much of an issue for their kid, who moved to a Midwest city big enough to keep any bible-thumping suburbanite parent at a safe distance.

GWAR Forced to Reduce Fake Cum Usage After Tariffs Cut Supply to 5 Barrels a Day

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND — Legendary metal group GWAR reportedly cut their usage of onstage fake cum to approximately five barrels a day after new tariffs increased prices to unsustainable levels, drenched sources in the front row confirmed.

“GWAR has always given fans the best, and we’ve always sourced our cum from a classified location on a planet beyond Scumdoggia in the 7th Level of Hexorgan Centari,” said Blöthar the Berserker, who took the helm for the band after his awakening in 2014. “For centuries, the trade federation was peaceful with Earth, but suddenly the galactic balance is out of order, and now we have to pay more for our precious semen. Times are so tough that we’re even considering holding a cum drive charity event to restock our reserves.”

Prop master for GWAR Allen Steubing discussed the task of keeping the band fully stocked on various bodily fluids.

“We’ve always sourced our blood domestically, which is not only great for the local economy, but fiscally responsible as it keeps shipping costs fairly low,” said Steubing while testing the viscosity of a fresh batch of puss. “We tried domestically sourcing spermatic fluid from all around Earth, but it just wasn’t the same. Even with the shipping expenses across several million light years, the extra cost is worth it. Hexorgan Centari cum really is the best and GWAR fans will not tolerate being soaked by anything less.”

Dr. Heidi Bauer of the University of Pennsylvania Economics Department was highly critical of the tariffs and believes their intended impact is not being felt.

“Tariffs like this always have the same consequence, it’s essentially a sales tax on working-class heavy metal, the fans, and the bands. Imagine being an immigrant metal band who came to America to pursue a dream and rule over the human race, and suddenly, you gotta pay 40% more for your bodily emissions,” said Dr. Bauer, while thumbing through a stack of Roadrunner Records compilation CDs. “While importing products like electronics, avocados, and ejaculate may seem like sending money out of the US, it ultimately frees the domestic economy to focus on different sectors including high-tech manufacturing, information technology, and intergalactic theatrical heavy metal.”

At press time, PornHub was rumored to be tapping its vast cum reserve to take advantage of rising prices.

Bus Driver Fed Up with Third “Speed” Situation of Week

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local public bus driver Charlene Algren is fed up with the third “Speed” situation that forced her bus into a heart-pumping thrill ride so far this week, according to her oddly diverse and visually distinct group of passengers.

“The CTA [Chicago Transit Authority] has gone to hell the last couple of years,” said Algren while exchanging quips with a ruggedly handsome police officer. “I can barely get through a week without a homicidal maniac with extremely sophisticated bomb construction skills rigging my bus to explode if it drops below a certain speed and bringing even more chaos to a city already on the brink. And don’t even get me started on the sorry state of public transportation etiquette, most of the time I feel like I’m driving a mobile playground full of drunks, plus a bomb.”

Alan Carroll, a personal injury attorney and regular rider of Algren’s route, was also very used to regular “Speed” scenarios.

“At a certain point, if you take public transportation and you’re not building in time for delays or high-octane bus races against time, that’s on you,” said Carroll. “It’s really just such a common thing these days that I factor in an extra 35, 40 minutes for unlikely partnerships that might develop in a pressure-filled bus and, if it’s one of those days that it doesn’t happen, I just have time to get a latte or something. Still, it’s better than taking the Red Line.”

CTA Vice President of Paratransit Operations and Customer Service, David Fowles, said there was little they could do.

“Budget cuts and decreased ridership has hit the CTA hard in recent years,” said Fowles. “It doesn’t help that the city police budget got pushed past $2 billion for 2025, although those guys never really seem to do anything about CTA issues or what we generally call a ‘Money Train’ deal. Pretty much all major cities are currently dealing with increases in high-tech evil geniuses installing speed-sensitive explosive devices on public transportation these days, although I would like to emphasize that muggings and non-manic-exhilaration rollercoaster of action crime has actually dropped to pre-quarantine levels.”

As of press time, Algren was daydreaming about her upcoming vacation on a Caribbean luxury cruise ship that almost certainly would not get wrapped up in the fiendish plans of a computer hacker bent on vengeance.

Opinion: I Already Get Fucked Up Every Night and Sleep on a Floor; I Might as Well Go on Tour

Posted on by Jay Shingle

I think I finally found my career: touring musician! It’s been a long, strange path, but I have put in years of work, and it’s about to pay off. I was sitting up against the wall of my mom’s basement, eating day-old pizza, trying to get my shit together. I looked at my pile of blankets and pillows on the cement floor, my guitar with five of its six strings on, and the collection of empty 40s piled up in the corner–then it dawned on me: I am meant to be on tour!

I remember a guidance counselor once saying that a career isn’t just a job, but it’s a lifestyle. I’ve been practicing the tour lifestyle for all of my teens and most of my 20s. What makes me a “loser” here in the eyes of my friends, family, and most of society will make me a winner out on the road. See, on tour, as long as you play a few notes every night in front of 2-12 people, then you automatically have the excuse to live how I live. I am no stranger to asking random people to crash at their place, and as a band, they feel cool saying yes! Not like Brandon. Fuckin’ Brandon, made me move out after two months because I wasn’t “paying rent nor contributing anything whatsoever to the household.”

Well, the joke is on you Brandon because Clay is coming on tour with me. We are forming a duo, “Acoustic Alchemists,” and we are going to figure it out as we go. Clay said something about supporting me in doing anything but what I was already doing (which is basically just living to party), I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening to him because I am the leader of this band. But it’s going to be great. We will hopefully make a little scratch too, and I won’t even have to ask my step dad for beer money. It’s a win-win! And the drugs I have been buying with money from my mom’s change jar? Not a problem anymore! People love to give bands free drugs on tour. I am almost certain I will get smoked out most nights.

I really hope everyone out there reading has the same realization I did if you are struggling. My message is: don’t try too hard. Craft the career you want for yourself. Practice the lifestyle first, and everything else will fall into place. Clay and I just have to figure out the transportation part of this plan, but his family is loaded, so I bet his grandpa will let him use his van. The guy is senile and doesn’t drive anyway–hopefully he forgot and left some cash in there.

Hot Topic Staff Swaps Out “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Halloween Merch For “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Christmas Merch

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

SAN ANTONIO — Employees at the Hot Topic store in Ingram Park Mall are working diligently to replace all of the Halloween season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” products for the Christmas season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise, confirmed hurried sources.

“It’s important to get this product switched out seamlessly, since like 90% of our revenue comes from ‘Nightmare’ merch. The other 10% still comes from nu metal band shirts,” said store manager Luke Marcotte. “But it’s kind of tough to tell this seasonal stuff apart, so you have to know what you’re looking for. Typically the Halloween merch is Oogie Boogie-heavy, while the Christmas stuff is all about Sandy Claws. Except the black holiday Oogie Boogie hoodies, those are for Christmas. Those are different from the black Oogie Boogie hoodies we sell year-round, too, I think. Jeez, they really all look alike. Spencer’s makes stuff like this look so easy.”

“The Nightmare Before Christmas” superfan Matilda Garza has been looking forward to the new Christmas merch drop, but has become frustrated with Hot Topic’s delays.

“Most normal stores have their festive stuff out as soon as Halloween is over, but Hot Topic is so slow,” Garza noted. “I went shopping to get a new Christmas Jack and Sally shirt I saw on TikTok to wear to our Friendsgiving celebration, but all they mainly had was the Dr. Finkelstein shirts and figurines still. So instead I show up wearing the Halloween shirt with the movie poster on it that I bought last year, like I’m some sort of asshole. Get your shit together, Hot Topic!”

Disney Vice President of Seasonal Merchandising Hannah Andrews acknowledges the peculiar place “The Nightmare Before Christmas” has in the company’s sales plan.

“With its roots in both Halloween and Christmas, ‘Nightmare’ merch dominates Q4 sales for us,” Andrews said. “And through our partnership with Hot Topic, we keep fans of the movie engaged with our products year round, especially for those who celebrate the movie during Easter and Labor Day. But yeah, a lot of these goods look the same, and oftentimes we forget to send new products or accidentally release the same Corpse Kid t-shirts over and over again, just with slightly different tags and price points. It’s been over 30 years, and there’s only so many frames of the movie to put on a t-shirt.”

At press time, a massive truckload of money made from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise residuals was seen backing up to Tim Burton’s house.