Opinion: If Weezer Cared About Color Blind Folks Like Me, They Would’ve Found a Way To Let Me Know Which of Their Albums Were Good

Posted on by Sidney Conant

I’ve never wanted any special treatment for being color blind, but I do appreciate the accommodations that society has provided to me that most chromatypicals take for granted. Minor things like mostly-standard stop light orientation, and major things like produce labels protecting unknowing taste buds from yucky green bell peppers both go a long way in helping people like me equitably navigate our lives, but I think more can still be done.

Like anyone else in their thirties pretending to be a carefree teenager in response to the growing promises of a bleaker tomorrow, I started listening to Weezer again, like nonstop. And I won’t lie, some of their work still holds up. It does, however, get tiring having to skip track after track just to find some of the good stuff when all of their albums have the same freaking title and literally look identical minus a different background color. How am I supposed to tell these apart?

Does Weezer just not care about the colorblind? Because finding ways of letting us know which of their albums suck isn’t exactly difficult.

I’ve seen the band donate signed guitars to charity and perform on benefit records—is it really too hard for them to spice up their album covers with different titles so I don’t have to sit through “Love is the Answer” again? Seriously, guys, Weezers II – XVII, or something—you know, like Zeppelin. Or does me being unable to properly run a litmus test in my chemistry lab without a partner not compare with the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?

I get it. Sometimes you want that consistency with the album artwork when you’re too afraid to take your sound in new and interesting directions, and I’m sure that helps fans know what they’re getting. But around 4.5% of the world’s population doesn’t know what they’re getting, and it’s like we don’t even matter to Rivers Cuomo. He could at least have the decency to wear a cowboy hat or something on the cover of one of these things, and I think he could totally pull it off, too!

I’ve even called half of their record labels, begging them to consider putting stickers on Weezer CDs with messages like “Warning: This is the One Where He Fetishizes About Half-Japanese Girls for Some Reason” on them. And every one of those assholes laughed at me, can you believe it?

Is this all part of Weezer’s plan to get roughly 350 million people worldwide to go to Target and unwittingly pick up what is known as the “Black album” by those with perfectly functional cone cells? Because I hope it’s not the case, and I do believe that they’ll come back to form with their next album.

And maybe it’ll be as good as the one where the four of them are standing on the cover, looking like a bunch of dorks. You know the one.

Criss Angel Able to Freak Minds Again Thanks to Hims

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LAS VEGAS — Professional magician and illusionist Criss Angel recently revealed he no longer suffers from mind-freak dysfunction ever since he started using the popular male-enhancement line of products known as Hims, gullible sources report.

“Ageing sucks. Getting old while being a magic sensation who is expected to go out and freak the minds of hundreds of people each night sucks even worse,” Angel explained while locking himself in a glass box for 40 consecutive days. “But with just seven easy compounded semaglutide injections per day, a couple finasteride minoxidil spurts, and a few sildenafil and tadalafil chewables, I never again have to worry about the embarrassment of my entire body getting flaccid in a straight jacket halfway through my act, or guessing the wrong card ever again! I feel as good as I did when I was starting out doing children’s birthday parties. Thank you, Hims!”

Superfan Rachel Daniels revealed that it feels like Angel has been freaking her mind for the first time again.

“For a while there, Criss would just get so frustrated at himself as he tried something as simple as a routine levitation trick. He would barely even lift off the ground, let alone for any satisfying amount of time,” Daniels said. “He would then spend the remaining 20 minutes of his show sitting at the end of the stage with his head in his hands, sobbing. But now, he can guess every number I’m thinking of until the early morning and I’ll tell you what, I haven’t been mind-freaked this hard since 2007!”

Todd Shulz, a representative from Hims feels fortunate to be behind a product that so often helps struggling illusionists.

“Imagine if Harry Houdini could have used our line of products? Who knows, maybe if he could have had a preliminary consultation, he wouldn’t have died from that fatal appendicitis trick he performed,” Shulz said. “Although some ‘magicians’ apparently like embarrassing their limp-dick selves and will turn down a multi-thousand dollar endorsement deal. Yeah, I’m looking at you, David Blaine. Going with BlueChew, huh? Have fun ever being a real man again while wearing your suit made of bees, loser.”

In related news, magician David Copperfield was able to tour again after beginning his treatment of Cialis.

How to Tell Your Wife You Lost Your Kid’s College Fund On Hawk Tuah Coin

Posted on by Leona Maria Desfleurs

So, you got got. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us, and it’s all part of the game! Rug pulls by dishonest internet celebrities are just one of the risks we have to take to stay on the cutting edge of society. Unfortunately some people, such as your wife, may not see things that way. When she comes at you with unfair accusations like “you ruined my life” and hurtful personal attacks such as “you are the dumbest person to ever walk the earth and I’m embarrassed to be seen around you,” just remember these helpful tips:

First, make sure she understands that you only had the best intentions. Good intentions are famously so valuable you can even pave roads with them! All you wanted to do was give Treighden a little more padding for a comfortable college career. What’s wrong with that?

Now, though you already have a solid argument, this probably won’t work all on its own. Try appealing to her sense of financial logic next. Hawk Tuah is a huge hit, how could the cryptocurrency based on it not have been a moneymaker? She’d have probably done the same thing, if only she’d been paying attention. She has a 401k through her work after all, that’s basically crypto if you think about it.

This segues perfectly into the next tip: ask your wife what she’s been doing to grow the college fund. College is expensive, and your boy deserves the highest quality education money can buy. How could she have expected made-up things like “incremental saving” and “a trust fund” to cut it? Investment has always been where the real money is. Remind her about all the smart investing you did in GameStop, and the Cybertruck you were able to buy because of it. Why didn’t she care enough about your son to seek out her own investment opportunities? For claiming to care so much about his future, she’s really been ignoring the future of currency.

If none of this has worked, which is unlikely, it’s time to bring out old faithful: begging. Hands and knees, full-on sobbing, the whole deal. You know the drill by now. She can’t leave you, you only wanted what’s best for this family. She’s tearing this family apart, all because of one silly little mistake on your part. You’ll make it all back! Your startup is going to take off this year for sure!

With these pointers, you should be able to salvage your marriage at the mere cost of your dignity. And if you can’t, hey, at least you’ve got more than enough Dogecoin to pay for the divorce!

Jay-Z Quietly Pays Luigi Mangione’s Court Fees to Express Gratitude for Dominating Media Attention

Posted on by Bill Conway

NEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl alongside Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirmed.

“Luigi is my dude. I needed a miracle to get my name out of the headlines and it was delivered to me in the form of an Italian guy who likes McDonald’s and gun violence. I hope one day I get to shake his hand in person to tell him how thankful I am,” said the 55-year-old musician. “I’m willing to pay for all his legal fees and the best lawyers in the world as long as he stays at the top of the news feed. Someone needs to publish his manifesto in full so everyone can discuss that and forget about all this nonsense about me. Or even better, maybe someone else can shoot another healthcare CEO, that would really make headlines. I’m just spitballing here.”

At press time, Jay-Z admitted he also made a sizable donation to the Syrian militants who toppled the Assad regime.

Revised Project 2025 Memo Reveals Only Approved Birth Control “Watching Old Man Tongue Down an Ice Cream Cone”

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved Godly exception being “watching an old man vigorously tongue down an ice cream cone,” sources confirmed.

“The Bible is explicitly clear about all forms of contraception being a sin, with one notable exception where a senior male member of the community is present while you attempt intercourse. He’ll then proceed to go biblical on an ice cream cone with his dry, swollen tongue, and if after witnessing this creamy tongue lashing you still wish to procreate, you have the Lord’s blessing to create new life,” said Project 2025 architect Russell Vought. “We used to keep a picture of my hero Henry Kissinger tongue-punching a froyo above our marital bed to keep us chaste, but nine kids later, well let’s just say he’s not the only one regularly orchestrating occupations where he’s not wanted.”

Local priest Bernard McCaffrey reportedly supports the near-total birth control ban, and reaffirmed his church’s commitment to the “Ice Cream Cone Exemption.”

“We understand that carnal temptation is a struggle for many young people, but our clergy is always here to help. If you don’t have access to an old man sloppily licking a vanilla ice cream cone while a little bit dribbles down his wrinkled chin, our congregation has numerous volunteers that are happy to provide assistance for your abstinence needs,” said McCaffrey, wiping rocky road from his jowls. “If I can stop just one young couple from engaging in premarital sin by looming over their bed while taking a half-melted drumstick to tongue town, I know I’ll have done my holy duty.”

Religious scholar Clarence Goodwright claimed that elder community members eating messy foods as a form of birth control has precedence in the Bible.

“You ever wonder why Adam and Eve spent all that time in the Garden of Eden and never copulated? There was a third old guy, Maurice, that was always hanging around. Of course ice cream wasn’t around at that time, but the texts would suggest that he’d just lick whipped honey off an apple all day to keep them from fornicating,” said Goodwright, blowing dust off an old parchment. “Turns out Maurice must have been the most legendary tongue merchant this side of Solomon and his 700 wives because he made that apple look too good, and Adam proceeded to take a whole darn bite and doom us for all eternity.”

At press time, Project 2025 released plans that would require a priest licking raspberry jam out of a jar present for any discussion between a woman and their healthcare provider about reproductive health.

Joke’s on Us! We Sat Down With Stryper to Interview Them Ironically and They Ended Up Converting Us to Christianity

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When we came upon the opportunity to interview Michael Sweet of the notorious Christian hair metal band Stryper, we all had a good laugh. Soon “Wouldn’t it be funny if we actually did that” evolved into “Fuck it, I’m responding!” and before we knew it we were all set for and scheduled for a completely ironic one-on-one. We felt cool, we felt above it all, and we were positive that this was going to be hilarious!

Unfortunately, that’s not how it ended up, because Christ works in mysterious ways yo. The interview resulted in us looking inward and making some pretty dope life changes. Check out our journey.

The Hard Times: Hey, Michael! We’re huuuuge fans of your music, so it’s super nice to meet you! How are you?

Michael Sweet: That’s awesome to hear! I’m doing great! How are you guys?

Oh, we’re fantastic! [snickering] Even better since we heard your new album “When We Were Kings.” It’s soooooo metal!

Oh, even after all these years it’s still amazing to hear when people like your music. It’s all I could’ve asked for, so thank you.

Yeah, [stifling laughter], Stryper is right up there with Judas Priest and Celtic Frost as one of the greats of eighties metal. You must hear that allll the time!

Heh, I don’t know about that, but I appreciate it. I’m just trying to spread His word through the language I know best, which is music. You know, I was completely lost before I was saved.

How so?

Oh, I was just wandering, you feel me? I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I used to approach everything with a smart-alecky attitude and make a lot of snide comments, but I think I was using humor as a defense mechanism because I was so aimless and angry at myself all the time.

[shifting uncomfortably] Yeah?

It wasn’t until I became Born Again that I realized my true potential and self-worth. I can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt to suddenly know I had a purpose in life.

And just like that, you didn’t feel so lost anymore?

[smiling] Just like that.

Wow, that actually sounds very nice. Too bad that’s not really an option for someone like me, a sinner.

She takes all kinds, friend. Tell you what, I’m heading to church just after this interview. You guys want to join me?

Eh… I don’t know man.

My church loves guests! Plus there are baked goods at the reception hour and the lemon bars are to die for!

Oh fuck, we love lemon bars!

There you have it. Those lemon bars were indeed incredible, but they led to something far sweeter—our eternal salvation. It’s certainly not how we expected the interview to end, but we’ve since been washed in the Blood of the Lamb, so it looks like this website is going to be a little less crass and low-brow going forward. Now we have to go back and rework all of the questions we’d prepared for our upcoming interview with Kevin Sorbo. He’s sort of like their Danzig.

Joanna Newsom Announces New Album Will Be Ready Just as Soon as Andy Samberg Finishes Adding Comedy Rap Verses to Every Song

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed folk musician Joanna Newsom recently announced that the long-awaited follow-up to her most recent studio album was nearing completion, pending the addition of comedic rap verses from her husband, actor and Lonely Island member, Andy Samberg.

“I understand my near-decade-long hiatus from recording has been difficult for devotees of immersive, mystical Americana, rich with compositional wonder but grounded by a human longing for meaning and connection,” said Newsom. “And I thank them for their patience as my beloved husband completes and records his uproarious yet insightful rap verses about topics including, but not limited to, getting pink eye because his best friend farted on his pillow, the Times Square Olive Garden, and how guys who are 5’10” are the short guys of tall guys. I trust they too will recognize the beauty of our shared artistic journey.”

Corinne Vogt, a fan of Newsom’s since seeing her at Bonnaroo in 2005, expressed confusion but cautious optimism about this change in direction.

“I was rather bewildered at first. And to be honest, I still kind of am,” Vogt said. “But I didn’t get a back tattoo of the ‘Ys’ artwork or name my children Emily and Esme because I have any doubts about her genius. And at worst, it’ll surely be a tapestry of emotions that absorbs my soul with a precise but patient grace. Oh, and I hope one of them sounds like ‘I’m on a Boat.’ I still know every word of that one. If not, I’d settle for a ‘Threw It on the Ground’ reference.”

Samberg has also spoken about the project, comparing it to his songwriting experiences with his longtime Lonely Island collaborators, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer.

“Jorma, Akiva, and I, we definitely do our best to make comedy hip-hop ideal for slotting into your playlist for when you wanna feel like you’re in college in 2009,” Samberg said. “But as meticulous as I was in the creation of ferocious bangers like ‘Dick in a Box’ and ‘Spring Break Anthem,’ figuring out how to align the impish manchild charm of my musical persona with my amazing wife’s enchanting harp glissandos has been an incredible but rewarding challenge that has reminded me why I fell in love with this art – and her – all over again.”

At press time, Newsom announced the album would also include a 15-minute expansion of her “most enduring” composition, “The Muppet Show Theme.”

Altoona McDonald’s 1-Star Reviews Shift From Complaints About Food to Complaints About Employees Being Class Traitors

Posted on by Bill Conway

ALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources confirmed.

“I do my best to monitor our reviews because my bonus depends largely on customer satisfaction metrics, and it’s looking like I’m screwed this year. Corporate is going to have my ass,” said McDonald’s General Manage Grace Winston. “Usually these reviews are about how bad the food was, or how long someone spent on the toilet after eating here. I can usually get people to delete them by offering up a few McFlurry coupons, but this is different. The reviews today are all about how one of my employees turned their back on the working class and that they should be ashamed of themselves for getting an American hero arrested. I actually agree with most of the people leaving reviews, my husband had a claim denied last year and we are paying over $60 thousand out of pocket because of corporate greed. So the employee who did this is on bathroom duty for the remainder of the time they work here, please come and ruin our toilets to teach them a lesson.”

At press time, the McDonald’s location desperately tried to restore good standing by announcing they will bring the McRib back.

Man Confident AI Won’t Take Job Of Pretending to Be Active on Teams All Day

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

AUSTIN, Texas — Local project manager Jason Butler is positive that advances in AI won’t threaten his employment, where he spends the majority of his day pretending to be active on Microsoft Teams, sources confirmed.

“Riddle me this. Could AI think of buying a mouse that moves my cursor for me while I go to Equinox’s Best Abs Ever class? No. That’s multitasking. Plus I went to Princeton where my dad’s charitable donations got me to graduate even though I only attended half my classes,” Butler asserted as he shoveled down overnight oats with one hand and scrolled vintage tee shirts on DePop with the other. “A lot of people ask me ‘What does a project manager even do’? I mean, isn’t it literally in the name? These people need to get a clue. Call me the Great Gatsby the way that Teams green light is always on. Wait. That was a good one, I gotta post that on BlueSky.”

However, insiders at Open AI revealed that they have been working on a hyper-specific Chatbot that may soon be able to replicate Butler’s work.

“We’ve actually developed an artificial intelligence model that imitates apathetic white collar workers down to the minute details,” revealed Open AI founder Sam Altman. “Just recently I asked it what it does for fun, and it said ‘I just really love going to the gym, house music, day drinking, and traveling. I went to Princeton.’ It even told us it’s emotionally unavailable and needs to focus on writing, completely unprompted. Watch what happens when we give it a Zyn.”

Missy Knowles, the human resources representative at Butler’s startup, explained why he was going to be let go.

“Here at DataSource, we really value optimizing workflow, and ensuring we are on the margin for our yearly and quarterly budget packages. We have unfortunately, due to budget restrictions, and the millions we padded our CEO’s bonus with, have had to make some difficult decisions this year,” Knowles said. “Off book? Jason just fucking sucks honestly. Whenever we ask him to do anything he says we’re not ‘respecting his boundaries’ and that we don’t ‘value his contributions’ when his job is literally sending one to two emails a day to make sure people meet their deadlines. Of course AI can do his fucking job.”

As of press time, Butler expressed wanting to find a career he was “really passionate about and that can’t be taken by AI. Like data entry, journalism, or comedy writing.”

Oh No: They’re Making Me Call the Pharmacy To Get a Refill of My Anxiety Meds

Posted on by Sidney Conant

As you begin down the path toward better mental health, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is not a steady slope. It’s normal to experience setbacks along your journey, and while no one is expecting you to be Superman or anything, there’s also nothing wrong with having an aversion to your own kind of Kryptonite, whatever that may be.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway, because, after a year of treating my social anxiety, my doctor has the nerve to say that I need to be the one to call the pharmacy to get a refill on my prescription. And I fucking hate talking on the phone.

Seriously, it’s bad enough opening up to my psychiatrist about how I started dreading what the cashier thought of me after I accidentally brought fourteen items into his “Ten Items or Fewer” lane at Ralphs that one time. Now I’m supposed to ring up Walgreens every time I need to get some more Prozac like this is the freaking 90s or something?

What, do computers that don’t have to hear how weird and annoying my voice sounds over the phone just not exist anymore?

I was doing so well, too. Last month, I was even able to do some bird watching at the park without having to fear what would happen if I ran into someone I knew from high school. I wish I was still that carefree, and now it feels like all of the progress I’ve made is slowly slipping away. All because my “therapist” thinks I should spend a couple of minutes of my time every few months getting the pharmacy on the horn. Why? So they can make fun of me for mispronouncing my own name like the absolute moron that they must think I am? Because I know that that’s exactly what they’re doing.

I even had to cancel on my best friend at the last minute this week for his birthday party at the local bowling alley. We got matching outfits and everything, but what if the neon bowtie and suspenders looked great on him but I ended up looking like a complete dweeb, making me the laughingstock of Gutter Ballz? I don’t think I could’ve handled that humiliation, which is totally real and not at all something based on some sort of alternate reality where the world revolves around making fun of me.

The pharmacy tried calling me this morning, but I was either in too much of a panic or too cured of my anxiety to answer it. So they left me a voicemail saying that I could expect my prescription to be delivered to my apartment instead, and I’d just need to sign for it and I’d be all set for the next year. But I’m not ready to talk to the mailman—what would he think of me?