Five Songs We Listened To This Week And Accidentally Leaked to The Atlantic

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Hey there! How ya holding up? Can we get you anything? A drink? A full frontal lobotomy? Oh. You’re ‘good’? Fair enough. The least we can do is offer you some comfort in these crazy times, so here are five new songs that made us do that little half smile we do when we’re actively having a panic attack but don’t want to draw attention to it. Enjoy!

PUP ft Jeff Rosenstock ‘Get Dumber’

It should come as no surprise that a Jeff Rosenstock feature on a PUP song goes off like the dirtiest atomic bomb you’ve ever seen. With their forces combined, ‘Get Dumber’ sounds like a gang of gremlins who simultaneously discovered fire and distortion pedals and reacted by bashing through hooks and screaming – trapped in an existential crisis they refuse to solve. It’s loud, it’s reckless, and it actively shaves points off your IQ in the best way possible.

Sum 41 ‘Sleep Now In The Fire – Rage Against The Machine Cover’

Sum 41 have officially left the chat, and decided to leave everyone on read with the most absurd choice of all time. That’s right, they covered Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Sleep Now In The Fire’ (we assume ‘(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)’ was deemed too obvious). It sounds like the feeling of watching your least mechanical friend hot-wire your car: totally unexpected, definitely illegal, but still impressive?

Viagra Boys ‘The Bog Body’

If you were to randomly wake up in a smoked out van barreling into a swamp at top speed, there’s a good chance Viagra Boys latest single ‘The Bog Body’ would be absolutely blasting from the 8-track player. True to the band’s form, their latest single has the swagger of a drunk friend at a house party who just threw up in a fish tank right before suggesting shots. The vocals sound like dropping a lit cigarette in a pint of beer, and don’t even get us started on the guitars. Long live the bog.

St. Vincent ‘DOA’

St. Vincent has contributed a new track to the upcoming horror/comedy movie ‘Death Of a Unicorn.’ Seems the film has a bit of a fantasy element, so there might be a mismatch of tone here. ‘DOA’ sounds like it should be the theme of an ‘80s B-movie in which Annie Clark plays a chain-smoking detective who’s too drunk to function, but still ten steps ahead of the antagonist. Since it’s an A24 film, there’s like a 90% chance we just gave away an integral side plot here, though.

Laura Jane Grace and the Trauma Tropes ‘Mine Me Mine’

Historically, there are two sure signs that spring is officially in the air: taxes are due, and Laura Jane Grace has formally announced her latest band. The latter typically helps soothe the capitalistic dread caused by the former, and the latest track from LJG’s hundredth band, the Trauma Tropes, is no exception. ‘Mine Me Mine’ is a blistering rebuke of the ultra wealthy that will make you want to slam dance while also committing tax fraud.

Even though you’re too modest and polite to say it, we can tell you probably want some more songs. That’s why we took the time to compile these and more into a handy playlist for you. We’re just that selfless. Listen, follow, and escape the dread below:

MAGA Conservatives Unite in Outrage After Woman Makes Valid Point

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHARLESTON, S.C. — MAGA devotees united in shock and outrage in protests across the country after local woman Helen Graves made a valid point regarding the effectiveness of gutting the Department of Veterans Affairs, belligerent and screaming conservatives have confirmed.

“I have never felt so disgusted seeing a woman voice her opinion on a topic I am one hundred percent pretty sure I’m right about. First of all, who the hell let her watch the news and secondly why does she think she’s qualified to bring up denying services to veterans with PTSD which will lead to long term mental health issues?” said demonstrator Alan Munson in the parking lot of what was until recently the local VFW. “We’re here to let her know that if she wants to spread her feminazi ideas about supporting our troops she can just slap a yellow ribbon magnet on her minivan and not make us patriots realize vet care is more nuanced and complicated than DOGE makes it out to be!”

Graves was stunned that her comment sparked a national backlash.

“All I did was respond to some story my uncle reposted on Facebook, pointing out screwing over people who served our country isn’t in everyone’s best interest. That’s it. Three hours later there’s 20,000 death threats in my DMs and protestors outside my house claiming I’m converting kids into militant lesbians in my basement,” said Graves. “I’ve seen other people make the same argument without this much heat, do they really have nothing else to be mad about? Guess I have no choice but to add ‘pointing out the obvious’ to the list of things I’m not allowed to do as a woman.”

Political analysts noted that a negative reaction of this proportion is becoming the norm.

“The number one thing people underestimate about America is how much this country hates women. Yes, progress has been made but look how quickly women’s voices are being eroded the moment it becomes more socially acceptable to be a misogynist dickbag towards women making sense in public,” said analyst Caitlin Bunker. “We’ve seen polls indicating that MAGA men would rather lose their livelihoods and die penniless due to Trump’s policies than heed advice from a person they view as a human incubator. Seriously, it’s that fucked up.”

As of press time, the firestorm around Graves intensified after old social media posts surfaced referencing that Nazis were the bad guys in World War II.

Absolutely Devastating: The Old Man in This ‘80s Movie Is Like 35

Posted on by Dan Rice

I just had the most horrible experience. There I was, minding my own business, watching “My Dinner With Andre” so that I could mention watching it to people in passing and they’ll think I’m better than them. All of a sudden out of nowhere Wallace Shawn, who we can all agree has always been incredibly old, casually offers up that in that movie, he is 35 years old.

That’s. Not. possible. I’m 36!

At first, I thought “What an odd choice to make the character so much younger than the actor, especially when he’s playing himself” but I looked it up, and sonofabitch he was right!

It’s a real headscratcher because both the character and the man playing him are actually younger than I am, and yet Wallace Shawn is very, very much an adult in this film. This has to be a glitch in the matrix or something right? Wallace Shawn can’t be 35 in this movie because I’m already 36, and I’m still in my twenties! Wait. Oh. I never said that out loud before. Hmm.

I’m not old! This doesn’t make any sense! When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t look like Wallace fucking Shawn, I look like me! Only older! Oh. Fuck.

Hang on… am I old? Is this how I find out I’m old now? Am I supposed to be bald and own sweaters and shit? Am I supposed to sit at fancy restaurants listening to guys like André Gregory vamp poetic about theater and existentialism and like, not really get it all but deep down desperately want to, or whatever the fuck?

Wait, does that mean this is how my life turned out? This is me, fully formed? That sucks! I know 20 years is a long time to work at a bookstore, but in the back of my head I always still assumed I would grow up to be something cool, like a famous artist or a spy! Can I still be a spy? Let’s see, googling Sean Connery + James Bond + age and… 33?! James Bond was thirty fucking three?! Oh my God… it’s over!

Wait… hang on. Yeah. Okay. I just remembered. I’m actually 39.

Pinback’s “Penelope” Nominated for “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” for 24th Year in a Row

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American Fishkeepers Federation, excited sources confirmed.

“Ecstatic is an understatement. I can’t believe we pulled it off again this year, but it turns out not a single other band on the planet is focusing their creative energy towards songs about goldfish. I’m running out of room in my trophy case,” said Armistead Burwell Smith IV, who briefly owned a goldfish named Penelope who inspired the song. “I remember the exact day we came up with the song. It was September 12th, 2001. The Twin Towers had just collapsed, America was on edge, and nobody knew what would happen next. That’s when I looked at my fishbowl and saw Penelope floating there, and I knew at that moment this was an even greater tragedy that we had to write about.”

Ted Rouse, the Director of the American Fishkeepers Federation, said the Pinback song is a valuable tool for goldfish owners.

“Dropsy is no laughing matter. Educating fish owners about this terrible affliction is the best way to keep tanks clean and fish healthy,” said Rouse. “‘Penelope’ is a tragic song about a fish cut down in its prime. Just thinking about poor Penelope makes me tear up a little. But thankfully she did not die in vain. It’s impossible to calculate how many goldfish have been saved because of that song, but I’d estimate it’s at least two dozen. I’ve been trying to convince the band to write a follow-up song that addresses polycystic kidney disease and they keep telling me they are working on it. I’ve been waiting 15 years already so I assume the song is going to be amazing once it’s done.”

Petco CEO Joel D. Anderson admits he has been trying to erase “Penelope” from streaming services.

“This song cuts into our bottom line. We don’t want fish owners to know about common afflictions that befall fish. We want them to buy fish, have them die, and then buy more fish. It might sound heartless, but that’s capitalism for you,” said Anderson while tapping on the glass of a fish tank with his pen. “I’ve lobbied Spotify and YouTube to get the song removed. I’ve bought up old copies of ‘Blue Screen Life’ and burnt them in a trash can in my backyard. Once ‘Penelope’ is gone then I expect Petco profits to skyrocket.”

At press time, Pinback hopes to piggyback off the success of “Penelope” by writing a song about a Red-Eyed Crocodile Skink a family friend received as a birthday gift.

Photo by Mackenzie Kosut

Producers of “Love Island” Announce Punk Spin-Off “Promiscuous Warehouse”

Posted on by Nick Conway

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit reality dating show “Love Island” announced a punk spin-off titled “Promiscuous Warehouse,” confirmed sources.

“Mario Lopez’s assistant and Jeff Probst’s stunt double will host the 78-episode season,” said producer Cheryl Lacy while casting solely based on how dirty peoples’ fingernails were. “We’ll have our contestants work 12-hour shifts six days a week in a dinghy warehouse where they can commingle, flirt, and make out in the utility closet if they advance to the next rounds. They will participate in physical challenges like lifting 30 pounds, standing on their feet for several minutes, and holding in their urine for eight hours at a time. Each week a couple will be laid off via internal deliberation process. The one couple left standing will get married and promptly have the marriage annulled 48 hours later after one of them is caught cheating with a former contestant. Just like in a real warehouse, we think.”

Fans of “Love Island” couldn’t be more excited for the new companion show.

“I cannot wait to binge watch this one during my nightly bed rotting sessions,” said reality TV fan Blaine Howard. “Shows like this are amazing because I get to see what it’s like to sleep around while working in a stockroom. That’s exactly why I like ‘The Great British Bake Off.’ I get to see what it’s like for pastry chefs to do hand stuff in the back of a bakery. Very enjoyable watch.”

Experts believe we may be nearing the end of this type of entertainment media format as a whole.

“Reality shows are clearly running out of ideas, so they’re trying to set dating plot lines in curious places,” said pop culture blogger Jessie Jimenez. “We’ve seen bizarre shows like that one called ‘Laying Pipe’ that combined ‘Love Is Blind’ with plumbing where contestants were forced to get to know each other while installing toilets blindfolded. Then there was that one called ‘Change My Oil’ that took ‘The Bachelor’ format and set it in a Jiffy Lube. Contestants had to find love while figuring out why check battery lights suddenly switched on. Let’s just say dating shows are cooked.”

At press time, “Promiscuous Warehouse” was picked up for a second season after realizing warehouse workers were far hornier than initially anticipated.

Random Act of Kindness: The US Just Surprised Israel With A Larger Than Normal Arms Shipment!

Posted on by Amir Adan

Just when you thought international relations couldn’t get any sweeter, we’ve got a story of one long-term pals really showing up for another—the US and Israel! And it looks to me like the US State Department’s love language is giving gifts because we just surprised our closest ally in the Middle East with a shipment of arms double the size of what they asked for! So cool! I couldn’t possibly think of a better use of our money than helping out such a good and reliable friend like Israel.

If we know one thing, it’s that Israel is short on weapons, so it’s incredible that we could really show up for them in this time of need. As the richest nation in the entire history of the world, I can’t imagine a situation where we don’t help another nation out with its weapon stockpile. I mean, they’re using them so fast and so often! Our government would really hate to see their stash get too depleted, that’s why it’s so cool that this is something seemingly everyone in Congress can all agree on!

Of course, a cynic might look at this and caution that the bipartisan US foreign policy apparatus is only serving to enable a genocidal, fascist ethnostate to annihilate a civilian population—nearly 70% of which have been women and children since October 2023—to make room for more illegal settlement on stolen land, or that this entire house of cards that is the apartheid state of Israel is unviable because their society seemingly doesn’t even have the ability to reproduce itself in the long term due to deep internal tensions between the needs of the state’s Zionist military-industrial complex and the convisions of their fastest growing population, Haredi Jews, and that these massive outbursts of violence against Palestinians seek to only distract from their unstable foundation at the cost of countless lives, but as a counterpoint, where else are our military and defence contracting industries going to learn how to exercise even more brutality than they already do when the weapons get turned on us as our very own society starts to crumble thanks to a growing fascist movement that is seemingly entirely unchecked and cosigned by the entire ruling class??

If you ask me, nothing screams friendship on the international stage much like two countries raining unchecked horrors and death upon an entirely innocent group of people. It’s just such a huge relief that we’re the good guys in this situation and that nobody is doing anything to stop it!

Aging Beastie Boys Fan Fighting for His Right To Have CPAP Machine Covered by Insurance

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, sources confirmed.

“When my doctor said I gotta pay outta pocket for some funky sleep hookah so I don’t die of snorin’, I was like, ‘LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!’ I don’t got that kinda loot! So me, my horsie, and a quart of beer are gonna have-ta stick up a Fifth Third Bank to afford it,” Duffy shouted while slapping bongos in the waiting room of a sleep disorder clinic. “I’m in the prime of my late 50s! I should be out there mackin’ on girlies and drinkin’ brews! Besides, I’m still makin’ layaway payments on the ‘Paul’s Boutique’ anniversary edition, so I’m not in a position to absorb unexpected medical bills.”

When questioned about his roommate’s sleep apnea, Jason “J-Rock” Jacobs took a bong rip and laughed at a poster on the opposite wall.

“This whole CRAB machine changed Seth. We used to party after a hard day of gettin’ people to sign our petition to free Tibet. Now, he stops breathing in his sleep several times an hour,” Jacobs grumbled while lighting a stick of Nag Champa. “I’m usually a pacifist, but maybe Luigi Mangione had the right idea. If those insurance companies are so rich, why aren’t they payin’ for Seth’s thing? And while they’re at it, they should pick up our tab from Scores Gentlemen’s Club, too. I’ve never had insurance, but I’m sure Anthem is good for a couple-a ten, twelve trips to the boom-boom room.”

When asked about Duffy’s claim, pro-bono lawyer Jamie Johnson rolled her eyes and pulled out a large, marijuana-scented case file.

“My client may be living in 1996, but that doesn’t mean Anthem can deny the CPAP machine Mr. Duffy recently purchased at an army surplus store. Sure, Mr. Duffy’s voicemail is full, he doesn’t reply to emails sent to illcommunication69@hotmail.com, and every medical form is covered in Funyun dust,” Ms. Johnson said while sanitizing the folder. “But Anthem is legally-bound to cover $39.67 of the $112.32 he spent at Ralph’s Military Surplus and Smoke Shop for medical expenses. I believe the company is discriminating against my client because his name is legally spelled in bubble graffiti letters.”

At press time, Mr. Duffy is also involved in a separate fight for his right to be prescribed mushrooms and free tickets to Bonaroo with his general practitioner.

Pervert Masturbating in Zine Library Inadvertently Develops Interest in Fourth Wave Feminism, Bike Repair

Posted on by Tim Graham

AMHERST, Mass. — Serial public masturbator Aaron Goddard received an unexpected education in progressive politics when he wandered into a zine library, according to the volunteer staff.

“I’m not welcome at most local libraries for obvious reasons,” said Goddard. “So when I found this other kind of library I was excited for a new venue in which to ply my trade. However, I was immediately put off by the lack of computers. I was about to leave when I spotted a copy of something called ‘Lezzie Smut,’ which seemed promising. It wasn’t titillating in the usual sense, but I did find the content to be intellectually stimulating. I wound up forgetting all about beating off as I read zines on many subjects like civil disobedience and the bicycle as an instrument of revolution. I learned a lot about consent, the male gaze and my own role in the patriarchy.”

Zine librarian Clara Smith was pleasantly surprised by Goddard’s visit.

“I pegged him right off the bat as a creep,” said Smith. “He was your typical perv. I nearly kicked him out when I saw him hovering around the sex-positive zines, but he actually sat down and read a few cover-to-cover. We had a nice discussion regarding intersectionality and representation. I gave him a list of ethical porn he could peruse on his own time, and he even agreed to attend our weekly mutual aid cohort. He walked in as a pervert but left as an ally.”

Similarly, an activist group called The Marxxxists was known to be leading an effort to surreptitiously integrate leftist ideas into mainstream porn.

“Our group produces what appear to be normal pornographic clips at first glance,” said founder Annie Maddox. “However, we’ll take a common trope and then segue to leftist philosophy. For example, in one film, a scantily clad woman answers the door for a pizza delivery man, only to deliver a scathing critique of gig-work and modern day wage slavery before the inevitable sex scene. Another features a stepmom getting stuck in a dryer, which soon becomes a polemic on the elimination of social classes and the abolishment of private property.”

At press time, Goddard was spotted handing out leftist pamphlets to other local sweaty sickos in an effort to spread his newfound political enlightenment.

Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Modern dating is hard, even hellish a majority of the time. The emotional labor of countless swiping and dead ends on dating apps is already spirit crushing, but worse still is actually procuring a date only for it to flame out within 30 minutes the moment the vibes are off.

Such is the case of Liam Wright, who has been questioning how every single one of his dates in the past two months has ended with women excusing themselves to the bathroom and never returning. While he can’t fully explain why it’s happening, the one common thread is that it only seems to happen immediately after he explains the ins and outs of his job as an ICE Agent.

“It’s the same thing with every woman! We meet up for dinner and find out we like all the same music and quote pop culture references from 2006, but the second I mention I round up migrant workers for ICE because I believe immigrants are animals, they suddenly get diarrhea and never return. I can’t prove it just yet, but I think my job might be a turn off. That or it somehow gives women diarrhea?”

Yes, it’s truly a mystery as to why at least three women have abandoned Liam via a restaurant bathroom window minutes after he explains that most of his work day is spent stalking Hispanic children outside of their schools. Could it be that he hasn’t had enough time to explain the complicated intricacies of our country’s immigration policies, or is it simply that he’s a heartless thug who willingly went into an inhumane profession?

“Even when I randomly meet someone at a bar, it’s the same shit. Why the hell does everyone I meet order an angel shot from the bartender right after I explain why zip ties are the best method of restraining immigrants? I’d like to think I’m defined by my personal qualities, like being a great listener and following orders. I’m totally down for doing whatever anyone wants me to do, no questions asked.”

Perhaps he should try avoiding the topic of work until the second date, or perhaps find a new career altogether. Right now though, mentioning having the one Fed job that’s DOGE-proof might the be the common thread as to why nobody in their right mind would fuck him.

“Maybe I should start saying I’m unemployed or ‘working on myself’ so I come off as someone they can try to fix.”

Goth and Metalhead Fight Over Who Gets to Shit on New Deafheaven Album

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming Deafheaven album, “Lonely People With Power,” perpetually-bitter sources confirmed.

“I was at Up-Down Arcade playing pinball and talking to a friend about what garbage-ass circle-jerk bullshit the new Deafheaven single is,” said Schmidt. “They broke all the rules, so they’re not metal anymore. They’re gothy shoegaze whatever now, and I said so. And then this jackass with a bad dye-job came up and said I didn’t have any right to bitch because the goths own them now. Needless to say, shit was on. Just because I disowned a band for an arbitrary reason doesn’t mean I can’t still loudly fucking complain about them. After all, I knew them first.”

First-responding officer Randy Pruss was baffled by the situation.

“When I arrived at the scene, the two were arguing about something called Deathhaven,” said Pruss. “This is actually the first time I’ve had to write out a police report where the two sides got into a physical altercation because they were in agreement with each other. If only these kids listened to real music, like the Nuge or Kid Rock, then this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. Those artists are peaceful and bring people together. I mean, Kid Rock’s never lashed out like a petulant teenager at pointless stuff, because that’s beneath him.”

Music journalist Tyler Wild discussed the displeasure among music fans regarding Deafheaven.

“This was bound to happen,” explained Wild. “Metalheads and goths strive for joylessness, and thus tend to hate their own bands for not being the violence-obsessed or the black-drenched ideals in their respective camps. And being a blackgaze band, Deafheaven is particularly divisive, so of course a scuffle broke out. If you’re a metalhead, you hate everything besides their 2010 demo, because everything after is poser nonsense when real production and singing start to appear. If you’re a goth, ‘Infinite Granite’ is your only option because they sound like a My Bloody Valentine cover band doing a second-rate Depeche Mode impression.”

At press time, both Schmidt and Cleary pre-ordered the Daydream Variant vinyl, despite being sure it’ll suck an insane amount of ass.