They say when you come for the king you better not miss. Fortunately for Donald Trump so far all of the former supporters who have taken a shot at him seemingly never got the memo. Unfortunately for Trump, the election is immediately preceded by October, the spooky season, when film franchise monsters roam the earth. You don’t get eight sequels by missing a bunch.
Trump’s only hope is The Secret Service, and they’ve been on high alert ever since the whole “caught red-handed not doing their job” thing. But will the Secret Service be enough to stop dissatisfied horror-icon voters from making the former president their latest victim? We’ve compiled a list of horror’s most accomplished killers and ranked them by their chances of getting past Trump’s security detail and taking him out.
Oh, and for any of you satanic conspiracy people out there who will take this thing seriously, we did 66 of these, so, there’s a freebie to get you started.
66. Pinhead
You seriously think Trump is smart enough to open that damned box?
65. Chef Julian Slowik
We all know Trump eats exclusively at McDonald’s to avoid servers spitting in his food or murdering him as part of a high-concept revenge art piece.
64. Billy Lenz from “Black Christmas”
He’s already IN THE HOUSE! Unfortunately for Billy, the house in question here is The White House which Trump is unlikely to ever see again.
63. The “It Follows” Ghost
We’re pretty sure the ghost isn’t spread by pissing on people, which is the closest thing to sex Trump does anymore.
62. Henry
Not exactly a finesse guy. Henry raises way too many red flags on sight to get anywhere near Trump.
61. The Wolfman
It would be quite the twist of fate for Trump to be eaten by a half-dog right now, but even he isn’t dumb enough to go golfing at Mar-a-Lago on the night of a full moon. He’s heard the legends.
60. Jack Torrence
He wouldn’t make it within a thousand yards, It’s a miracle he even came so close to murdering his family. He’s clearly insane and murderous in the first 5 minutes of that movie, why the hell would anyone lock themselves in a mountain hotel with that guy? It’s the ’80s lady, get divorced!
59. The Phantom of the Opera
Trump isn’t big on the arts. You sure you don’t want to be “The Phantom of the Mar-a-Lago Bronzer/Steam Room/Tug-off Parlor?”
58. Annabelle
The only toy Trump would ever allow anywhere near his presence is Kamabla, the sled that brought him joy as a child.
57. The Tall Man
Nope. Too tall.
56. The Firefly Family
Impossible, they’re all still in prison for storming the capitol on January 6th.
55. Daddy from “The People Under The Stairs”
As a fellow slum lord and gun advocate Daddy and Trump would get on like gangbusters. He could get close to the former president but would probably like him too much to kill him and would probably end up donating to his campaign.
54. Sam from “Trick ‘R Treat”
He’s got the same chances of getting close to the former president as any other tricker-treater—absolutely zero. “No handouts!”
53. The Mummy
Trump wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near The Mummy’s tomb without his two top associates, the late great Abbot and Costello.
52. Leatherface
He’s not exactly hard to spot. Even if the Secret Service wanted to botch the job, there’s no way they could plausibly make the case that they simply didn’t see a giant man in a human skin mask barreling toward the former president with a chainsaw.
51. The Driller Killer from “The Slumber Party Massacre”
The drill is clearly a metaphor for his penis, and we don’t care what your sexual orientation is, no penis has ever been hard for Donald Trump except his own.
50. C.H.U.Ds
Trump is the guy who evicted them down to the New York sewer system in the first place, so we have motive. Unfortunately for them, the Secret Service routinely inspects the sewer system on Trump’s orders. He wants to make a “big deal” with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
49. Freddy Krueger
You might think the bastard son of 100 maniacs has the best shot at getting past the Secret Service as he would be striking Trump where they cannot protect him—in his dreams. Unfortunately for Freddy, Trump’s sleep apnea and steady diet of Adderall prevent him from ever hitting REM sleep, all at the low cost of his own sanity and reason. Guess you’ll have to settle for Vance, bitch!
48. Norman Bates
Trump has a word for guys who spend as much time with their mothers as Norman Bates, and though he’s just smart enough not to say it into a hot microphone. He does typically keep his distance from “confirmed bachelors.”
47. Irving Wallace from “Stage Fright”
Trump isn’t really a theater guy.
46. Bill from “Intruder”
As a murderous small business owner, Bill is no stranger to Trump rallies, which is why his chances are low. The Secret Service has learned that it’s Trump’s key demographic they need to watch out for the most.
45. Jigsaw
The “Saw” franchise killer would shoot himself out of frustration after a few hours of trying to explain the rules of his DIY murder-escape room to Trump.
44. Pennywise
Like RFK, Pennywise once had Trump in his crosshairs, but he dropped out of the attempted assassination and endorsed him in exchange for a cabinet position. Honestly, he’ll be a better secretary of education than whoever Trump had picked out before.
43. Ghostface
It’s unlikely, but technically Ghostface could be anybody, so there’s always the off-chance that Trump has a secret long-lost brother or jilted lover or something or other that joined the Secret Service just for the opportunity to “play a game” with the former commander in chief. Everyone is a suspect, but Trump should be on the lookout for his most attractive and unassuming security guard.
42. The Butcher from “Freaky”
If he’s in his original body his chances of getting to Trump are slim, but if we’re talking post-swap, well, never underestimate an attractive blonde teenager’s ability to make “friends” with Republican leaders.
41. Cropsy
He could get close posed as a landscaper, but at this point, the Secret Service can spot a Trump employee with garden shears who’s simply had enough from a mile away—they neutralize half a dozen a week.
40. Mr. Ulman from “House of the Devil”
Trump is unlikely to respond to an ad seeking an overnight babysitter, but the job he’s currently seeking is unlikely to work out, so maybe?
39. The Killbots from “Chopping Mall”
Eh, he might mistake them for golf carts.
38. The Predator
Considering the Predator took out Dutch’s entire team, the Secret Service would offer him little resistance, but Trump himself may prove to be more of a challenge. Between his layers of bronzer, advanced age, and slow-beating McDonald’s-addled heart, Trump doesn’t give off enough body heat for the Predator to actually see him. He might as well be caked in mud 24/7.
37. Dr. Phibes
He could pull it off, but he’s unlikely to. The good/abominable doctor prefers victims with the mental capacity to appreciate his pageantry before their demise. Sometimes someone is so dumb and annoying you can’t even murder them.
36. Vincent Smith from “Motel Hell”
On the surface farmer Vincent is the exact sort of man Trump wants to be seen with—a salt-of-the-earth midwestern successful small business owner—so security won’t be an issue. And, while Vincent agrees with Trump on the issues, once he gets a gander at the former president up-close and realizes how marbelized his meat must be, he won’t be able to help himself. He’ll knock him out, cut out his vocal cords, and plant him with his “special” crops.
35. Damien
He actually sees Trump all the time, but Trump calls the kid “Baron” and he won’t kill Trump so long as Trump is useful.
34. Pearl
In her prime, she might have had a shot, but the first thing the Secret Service does when securing a premises for Trump’s arrival is round up every woman over 40 and bring them somewhere he can’t see them. Maxine on the other hand, well, we like her chances a lot.
33. Leslie Vernon
We’ve seen how hard the man trains, and there’s no doubt he’s got the skills, but the motivation? Not so much. Leslie chooses to embody pure evil so that the ultimate good will rise to stop him. At most, he probably views Trump as a competitor.
32. The Creature From the Black Lagoon
He’s in the middle of the list because anyone who spends as much time in Florida as Donald Trump has a 50% chance of being murdered by a creature of the Black Lagoon.
31. Xenomorph
It’s time we as a nation set aside our differences and acknowledge that watching a baby Xenomorph bursting out of Trump’s chest on live television would look sick as hell.
This would be one of those episodes that get quickly scrubbed from the internet. Michael would spend the full 240 minutes screaming “Give me back my son!” at Joe until someone was forced to call the cops.
Turns out Joe hates Drive Shaft. And we already know Charlie is always seeking approval, so this episode would be incredibly hard to listen to because Charlie would relapse on air.
Joe would forget who she is—just like the rest of us have. Quite frankly it’s astonishing we took the time to add her to this list.
Nobody likes Nikki and Paulo, and it’d be the podcast’s least-listened episode. Joe would have to sell four float tanks to make up for Athletic Greens pulling their sponsorship.
He only exists in a parallel universe where Andy Dick would be the podcast king, and nobody wants to see Andy Dick proposition a sad teenage boy to join him to rail blow in a hot tub.
Shannon’s episode would be a complete train wreck. She’d whine about island life, drop random complaints about people not appreciating her, and somehow make everything about her failed modeling career. Joe, visibly checked out, would ask her about survival skills, only to get an eye roll and more self-pity. By the end, even Joe’s die-hard fans would agree: this one sucks.
Let’s be honest—who cares? No one’s tuning in to hear Bernard pout for three hours straight. He’d probably spend the whole episode complaining about dental hygiene on the island. Hard pass.
Nobody wants to hear this blowhard talk about his “heroic” arrests for the entire episode, least of all Joe.
One long Alpha Brain for Dogs ad? No, thank you. And let’s not even get into how the dog actor that played Vincent was female. That’s going to get Joe all worked up.
Ten minutes into a tepid conversation about Tempur-Pedic mattresses, Joe would casually hint that lifting weights might help Frogurt get laid more.
Joe would spend the whole episode asking, “But seriously, why’d you leave Jack?” while Sarah just rolls her eyes and mutters something about daddy issues.
Kate’s dad would calmly discuss the joys of parenthood, but things would take a turn when Joe awkwardly asks, “So, how do you feel about your daughter killing someone?”
Joe would kick off the episode with, “I heard Driveshaft is finally gonna have a reunion!” only for Liam to awkwardly explain, “Nah, man… you’re thinking of Oasis.”
Midway through explaining Dharma protocols, Phil would randomly confess to Joe that he once cried for three days straight because someone ate his sandwich.
Bram would rant about Jacob saving the world, and Joe would randomly ask, “But have you tried lion’s mane coffee?” Bram would shake his head, muttering, “You’re on the wrong side, Joe.”
Joe would try digging into her relationship with Sayid, but Nadia dodges every question like a pro. By the end, Joe’s convinced she’s a secret agent, and she still hasn’t said a thing.
Boone would mention his hookup with Shannon, and Joe, thinking it was one of those “When in Rome” situations on the island, would nod along. But when Boone clarifies it happened before they were stranded, Joe’s face would go from understanding to pure discomfort.
Joe would be excited to drop “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” references, assuming Aldo knows about it because of his actor’s connection. Aldo, completely oblivious, would just blink and ask, “What’s Always Sunny?” leaving Joe awkwardly butchering the Dennis System.
Carmen would spend the whole episode trying to feed Joe, insisting he needs more home-cooked meals. Joe, overwhelmed, would try to steer the conversation back to Hurley’s lottery win, but Carmen’s too busy telling embarrassing stories about Hurley.
Dr. Pierre Chang, the man of a thousand secrets, would take one look at Joe’s guest list and ghost him faster than you can say “namaste.”
Karl’s episode would just be awkward, as Joe spends way too long trying to bond with him over teenage rebellion, ignoring the fact that Karl spent most of his time getting tortured by The Others.
Danny Pickett would go on an unhinged rant about how grilling was the only thing keeping him from losing it on the island. “You think I tortured people for fun, Joe? Nah, it was just stress from never getting the damn grill hot enough.”
The entire episode would just be Joe asking, “Did you watch Succession?” over and over, while George tries to explain that he’s not actually in the show.
“Have you seen “The Wire”? That’s the whole episode. Joe would keep asking Jamie to bring up clips and it’s more boring than you can actually imagine.
Cindy would talk about serving peanuts one day and joining a cult the next. Joe, baffled, would ask, “So, do the Others get TSA PreCheck or what?”
Joe would peg Lennon as the kind of guy who could handle some potent edibles. Big mistake. Lennon would get way too high, turning the conversation into a paranoid mess, rambling about Dharma secrets and human sacrifice.
Sun would ignore all of Joe’s questions about survival and island life, instead launching into a passionate rant about the superiority of Korean skincare. By the end, Joe’s frantically scribbling down product recommendations convinced it’s the secret to longevity.
Charlotte would switch between her normal accent and a bizarre fake one throughout the episode, confusing Joe to no end. “Wait, are you British or not?” he’d finally ask, as Charlotte laughs and says, “Depends on which timeline we’re in.”
Joe would spend the whole episode awkwardly trying to psychoanalyze Sawyer through Cassidy, which would turn into a strange conversation about con artists, relationships, and attachment issues.
All his life Linus has been mocked for his worship of The Great Pumpkin, an arcane God that he believes will reveal itself to its followers in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night. This year, Linus’s devotion will finally pay off. The Great Pumpkin has returned, and he is most displeased with our lack of faith. His first words to his humble servant Linus—”Bring me the blood of the non-believers.”
Ours is going to be a little less cutesy talking puppies have misadventures and a little more Air Bud meets Cujo. The puppies will still talk, but as rabies cooks their minds the words slowly meld into brutalistic gibberish as they terrorize a small town on Halloween night.
In “Dr. Finkelstein: Origins” the doctor is a strait up WWII Nazi scientist, performing the most gruesome and immoral experiments on his subjects in the name of creating the one true Superman. Let’s see Danny Elfman write a song about that!
When was the last time you watched “The Never Ending Story?” It’s a lot different through grown-up eyes. Falcor has… a vibe. A pretty unsettling one. Let’s explore that.
“The Iron Giant” is a heartwarming story about the bond between a young boy and a giant alien robot that completely leaves exploration of the horrors of AI on the table. Our sequel will make a meal out of those scraps. The giant, now fully repaired and praised as a hero for selflessly saving a town from a nuclear explosion in the first movie, decides to part more “gifts” to humanity. The Earth of 1957 suddenly finds itself in possession of the Internet, smartphones, Alexa, the whole works. At first, people embrace this technology with open arms, but soon things take a turn. People are acting strange, becoming paranoid, and turning on one another. Things escalate into full-blown civil war, and eventually bloodthirsty anarchy, and as the giant watches the thin veneer of society crumble to dust from on high we realize this was his plan all along.
If Sesame Street were a REAL place, everyone would be a vampire by now having been bitten by the count. Let’s stop lying to our children.
Honestly, the first Casper movie is fairly unsettling in its own right. It raises some pretty heavy questions about the nature of the soul and the afterlife, plus Casper is super creepy towards Christina Ricci, like borderline incel. Our remake will simply build on that skeleton, with Casper adapting a more nefarious “Baby Reindeer” approach to his romantic pursuits, all the while lamenting upon the fact that his parents are in heaven while he is doomed to roam the earth forever. The real horror is Casper’s refusal to acknowledge the flaws that corrupt his soul, even as they become painfully and gorily clear to us the viewers. That’s how ya do Casper!
Creepy, but we never actually see him cut off Ichabod Crane’s head. How about a movie that just deals with the head-cutting part? Takes a lot of work to get a whole human head off of a body, kids need to know!
Pretty simple, we just show The Addams Family doing all the macabre shit they reference doing in jokes all the time. Oh really Gomez, you had a blast vacationing in Europe during the bubonic plague? Let’s see that shit!
Our origin story cements what the original “Nightmare Before Christmas” only hints at—that in his human life, Jack Skellington was none other than Jack the Ripper, satanist, and murderer of London sex workers. There’s an empty place in his bones, and he’s going to fill it with bloodshed.
The kids faired pretty well against super-campy versions of Dracula, The Wolfman, and all the like, but there comes a time to put away childish things. Now in high school, The Monster Squad is up against a team of real-life Monsters. Let’s see how the team’s nard-kicking antics hold up against an alliance between David Berkowitz, Maina Ramulu, Charles Cullen, and Dennis Rader, aka The BTK Killer.
We can’t be the only ones to think Adam Sandler is severely underused here. We all saw what he could do in “Uncut Gems.” We know Dracula is supposed to be “nice” in these movies, fine, but what about a Dracula who’s so addicted to gambling that he’s constantly putting himself and loved ones in harm’s way? Now that’s haunting.