Woman Describes Sociopathic Boyfriend as ‘Silly Goose’

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

BOSTON — Local woman Rachel Burch recently described her boyfriend Daniel Talbott’s sociopathic tendencies to her friends and family as him being a “silly goose,” confirmed sources who were more scared than impressed by his humor. 

“I just need someone in my life who makes me laugh, and Dan always commits to the bit, even if it means harming the family dog. What a goofball,” Burch explained after witnessing Talbott gaslight her 66-year-old mother to give him 50 bucks at her dad’s birthday dinner. “The guys I dated before were always too macho to be funny, but when Dan left his girlfriend and kid after two months of us seeing each other, I knew I had found someone who was ready to create joy in their life.”

Burch met Talbott outside of a dive bar where he’s “made her giggle” ever since. 

“What can I say? I’m always the funniest guy in the room and I will beat the ever-living shit out of anyone who thinks otherwise. I could tell Rachel liked me after I used my pickup line that involves asking how big her tits are,” Talbott recounted while casually shoplifting at a grocery store. “It tickles her that I text pictures to her ex-boyfriends from outside their homes with a skull emoji and buy burner phones to text ‘Do I scare you?’ to her extended family members who don’t like us together. All while on ketamine, of course.”

Not all of Burch’s friends are convinced by her explanations of Talbott’s antics. 

“Dan is more frightening than funny. Rachel came by with him at an art fair I was tabling at, and immediately started saying that he’s always gotten the best head from Asian girls,” explained her best friend Isabelle Li. “He took a bunch of stickers off the table and then denied taking them while calling me slurs when I asked him to pay. When I saw Rachel a few days later, I told her what he called me and she said that I need to stop being so sensitive and saw that all the stickers were on her Stanley cup.”

At press time, Talbott received an offer for employment as Brand Image Consultant for AIPAC.

Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue” next to you? Hmm. Lemme guess: it was a gift from a guitarist.

Then you must be a Buckethead fan with that oddball combination, even if you’re not wearing his iconic KFC bucket and white mask. Maybe that’s for the best in your case. Dude looks like the greasiest serial killer in history with that getup. Doesn’t scare me, though, because the only thing Buckethead slays is his six-string, and he’s literally the best there is.

Anyway, if you’re a Buckethead fan, then name three items on the KFC menu.

The Boneless Bucket For One? You musta been to KFC pretty recently since that’s a brand-new item. Still, it’s an obvious choice with the word “bucket” in it. It’s fitting, though, because Buckethead is a solitary artist, both in the studio and onstage. I’d probably be pretty hard to work with, too, if I played guitar so skillfully and in such a masturbatory way that I made an O-face all the time. Maybe that’s what the mask is for.

Cherry Pie Poppers? Nice pull. What a throwback. Too bad they’re not available anymore, even if KFC’s worldview is that no foodstuff is a bad foodstuff. Which kinda reminds me of the über-prolific Buckethead, whose whole catalog I absolutely love. Similar to KFC, Buckethead puts out every single idea that comes to him, no matter how close to trash it is.

The Famous Bowl? Ah yes, the everything-and-the-kitchen-sink pigslop grosspile. Still, it’s literally the greatest thing in history when you’re hammered. Guess that’s true when you’re high, as well. Probably why I’m such a fan of Buckethead’s guitar playing. I like my guitarists like I like my fast food — shamelessly gluttonous.

Anyway, all this talk’s making me hungry. Might hit up a KFC and grab a Chicken Combo. After that, wanna play some “Clue”?

RFK Jr. Learns Eating Pussy a Sex Thing, Not a Dead Cat Thing

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently learned that, after spending some time on select Reddit threads, eating pussy is a reference to a sex act and not the consumption of a deceased house pet, sources confirmed.

“I’ve just seen this on the internet,” said the Secretary of Health and Human Services while googling “pussy nutrition facts.” “What are you people talking about? You’re doing cannibal sex things? Wait, you don’t actually consume the pussy? Then what do you do with dead cats? Surely you’re actually eating those. Waste of good protein, otherwise. You’re all a bunch of freaks. I’ve got to tell Cheryl about this. Do you think she knows?”

Cheryl Hines, eventual widow of Kennedy, shared her perspective on his newfound knowledge.

“I’m not surprised he didn’t know. The other day, he told me he thought dog food was dog meat packaged for humans. Which I guess explains why he’s been buying so much even though we don’t have dogs,” said Hines. “To be honest, I’ve been afraid to teach him anything oral-related. What with his obsession with raw meat and roadkill, I didn’t want to tempt fate. We mostly just do over the pants stuff. I mean he literally eats pigs’ anuses, so please don’t anyone tell him about eating ass.”

Angela Stoddard, a top neuroscientist in the nation, shared a scientific perspective on confused men who like dead animals.

“We’ve been tracking a concerning trend of people infested with brain worms being obsessed with animal carcasses,” said Stoddard. “We actually found a surprising amount of men for the study. Just 400 brain-worm infested dudes with nothing else to do with their time. They did manage to provide some invaluable information, though. As it turns out, they can’t see the world through any lens other than ‘dead animals.’ It affects the way they process all language. We’ve got a guy who’s been trying to murder two birds with a rock for almost a decade. We’re not sure we’ll be able to find a cure for the damage done, but we think we can at least find ways to keep them occupied so they don’t bother other people or find their way into other leadership positions.”

At press time, new reports revealed that Kennedy is reassessing every time he has beaten a dead horse.

Murderer Annoyed To See News Stories Call Grave He Dug ‘Shallow’

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

LANSING, Mich. — Local murderer Larry Vance let out an annoyed sigh at a number of news stories’ description of the just-uncovered grave he dug for his latest victim as “shallow,” confirmed sources.

“What the fuck? I was out there for hours digging that thing, and it was not ‘shallow.’ Yet the news has the gall to describe my grave work as anything less than commercial grade?” demanded Vance, a seasoned murderer, while pacing his living room and flipping through channels to catch coverage of his heinous crime. “God, it just makes me so mad, I could… I could just… I could go out and do the whole thing again, and this time, I’d dig seven, hell, eight feet deep, if that’s what it’ll take to get some respect.”

Despite Vance’s objections, the facts of the grave he dug do point to him being in the wrong.

“Per police sources, the victim was found in a five-and-a-half foot deep grave. Real graves are six feet deep,” said local reporter Ross Harkins. “If the person behind this horrific killing thinks they dug a grave up to the standards of, say, your Forest Lawns or your Arlingtons, well, they’re just plain wrong. And if you know their identity, please—tell it to me, and let them know that the grave was ‘shallow.’ Now, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. The murder is. Murder is shameful. The shallow grave is just… what it is.”

Criminologists have noted that a not-terribly-deep grave is among the most consistent ways murder victims are discovered, which is often the first step in finding the person behind both the killing and the embarrassingly close-to-the-surface grave.

“Anyone who commits the unspeakable act of killing has, by the nature of the crime, proven themselves to be of deviant mind. And the deviant-minded—well, this may hurt to hear, but a number of them just don’t have the follow-through to do a job right,” explained Colleen Wernick, PhD, Professor of Criminology. “The grave this murderer dug—well, that it’s under regulation depth points to them being just that—a no-follow-through deviant incapable of completing tasks to society’s actual standards.”

At press time, Vance was seen muttering to himself while extending a tape measurer into his latest grave, ensuring that whoever his next victim is, they won’t be found in a grave that anyone could sniff at.

Why You Shouldn’t Assume That Everybody With a British Accent Is a Transphobic Children’s Book Author

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The older I get, the more I realize that I shouldn’t judge people by superficial aspects like appearance or socioeconomic background. There’s so much more to a person’s character than these surface-level traits, and we can all work towards making this world a more civil place to inhabit if we take the time to get to know one another before making judgments. This is why I no longer think that everybody with a British accent is a transphobic children’s book author.

It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well, hear me out for a second.

For far too long, every time I found myself in the presence of a person with a British accent, I just assumed that person had made an extremely lucrative living writing a series of admittedly stellar children’s fantasy books before making a sudden and baffling pivot to obsessing over the existence of trans people as the sole root of all of society’s ills. This caused a lot of problems in my social life, and culminated in me ruining numerous social events by screaming in the face of some mystified Brit who was just trying to have a good time. Well, now I know that I was mistaken in doing this, and I’d like to apologize to our poor friends across the pond. It takes a big man to admit when he’s erred, which is why I’m extending this olive branch to those I’ve wronged.

Still don’t believe me? How about famed evolutionary biologist and religious skeptic Richard Dawkins? He was instrumental in many of us shedding the restrictive and oppressive veil imposed upon us by religion, and not once did he — oh, wait. He’s made numerous tweets criticizing trans Olympic athletes and mocking the identities of trans people everywhere? He also wrote a children’s book called “The Magic of Reality” in 2011? OK, bad example. No big deal. Let’s just move on.

What about popular actor and comedic icon Ricky Gervais? Seriously, how funny is “The Office UK”? So good, right? Well, Mr. Gervais definitely has a British accent, and he’s never — huh? He’s also gone on more than one transphobic tweetstorm, with one fully supporting J.K. Rowling? He also deadnamed Caitlin Jenner at the 2016 Golden Globes? Oh, and he’s the author of the “Flanimals” children’s books? Well, shit. Maybe I’m wrong here?

You know what? I take back this entire article. You should definitely assume everybody with a British accent is a transphobic children’s book author. It was my mistake for assuming otherwise, and I apologize for the confusion.

Karaoke Night Sound Guy Rigs Mic To Electrocute Anyone Who Tries To Hit the Falsetto in ‘Take on Me’

Posted on by James Knapp

GETTYSBURG, Pa. — Local sound guy and part-time sadist Rick Smithston recently made life a whole hell of a lot easier for the crowd when he engineered his sound system to painfully and memorably electrocute any karaoke participant who attempted A-ha’s “Take on Me,” pleased sources confirmed.

“It was honestly pretty simple to rig it up. I put a sensor in the mic and if anyone even attempts that ‘I’ll be gone’ octave then it lights them the fuck up,” explained Smithston, gleefully. “Oh, this is absolutely personal for me! Inflicting nerve and/or mild brain damage is the only appropriate response to their feeble attempts at this part. I have to listen to the same tone deaf morons crack their voices night after night. At a certain point you have to take matters into your own hands. Electric hands! Let’s just say no one’s attempted it since that one guy went into cardiac arrest.”

Karaoke night shock recipient Frank Ephraim was still recovering from ten-thousand volts when reached for comment.

“Where am I? Is the fire alarm going off? Why do I taste aluminum?” began Ephraim, physically incapable of uncrossing his eyes. “All I remember was a blinding flash of light, and then I’ll be gone in a day or two… wait, why did I say that last part? Oh look, I think my wedding ring evaporated. Can I go to the hospital now?”

A-ha lead vocalist Morten Harket was oddly supportive of the weaponization of his biggest hit to punish the tight-throated.

“Honestly, I make more in royalties from karaoke night failure than anything else. But at this point I’m set for life, so yeah, bust out the cattle prod and whatever happens happens,” Harket remarked. “One thing I do regret about my vocal performance in ‘Take on Me’ is that I didn’t include any scatting. Oh yeah, that sure would have deserved some electro-shocks — for the people at karaoke, I mean! My performance would have been immaculate.”

At press time, Smithston had also rigged a boxing glove on a large spring to knock out anyone who attempts “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and forgets the lyrics halfway through.

Riot Fest Drafts Preemptive Morrissey Cancellation Tweet

Posted on by Chris Bratton

CHICAGO — Organizers of Riot Fest have reportedly drafted multiple social media updates in the likely event Morrissey, prolific songwriter and former frontman of the Smiths, will cancel as the September concert nears. 

“Knock on wood, I guess, but as far as preparation goes, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Just a whiff of an all-beef Chicago-style hot dog could put him on a plane halfway to Manchester, not to mention how fast he’d dart if he walked in on Angine De Poitrine shoving Italian Beef sandwiches into their mask holes,” Adam Johnson, a social media intern for Riot Fest, rationalized. “What if his hotel is within a mile of the L and it’s loud, what if deep dish freaks him out, what if his distorted reflection in the “bean” pisses him off, what if he expects more from the Sears Tower or cities on lakes are simply not to his liking? These drafts can help us get the message out quickly to fans that knew something like this was bound to happen.”

Morrissey’s team reached out expressing grievances about the precaution. 

“Listen, having a roughly twenty-some percent cancellation rate just means his show-up rate is around eighty percent; that ain’t bad!” claimed Mozz manager Steven Christopher. “If it was a batting average, he could go start for the Cubs! Are there easier musicians to work with out there? Absolutely. Is it possible to be a musician and have an ego that’s a little more grounded? Probably. Is it possible to go on tour and not get the flu? Maybe. Can you tell me who these singers and bands are that don’t have these issues? Could you write them on a list with contact info? Could you get them to sit down with me? Do you know if they’re happy with their current representation?”

Morrissey super fan Jennifer Davis offered some potential benefits of a canceled Morrissey show through personal experience over the years. 

“Madison Square Garden July 2007, I had non-refundable tickets to New York City. I went.  I  met my husband at Morrissey night at Sway lounge. Fenway Park last year, we walked the Freedom Trail in Boston. We experienced history we would have never done if the show had happened. We tell fans to keep an open mind, don’t blame that beautiful sad genius, and find your happiness!”

We reached out to Morrissey, but he rescheduled the call, and then postponed the make-up call, and then canceled that call because his phone was in a “catatonic state.”

White House Observes Juneteenth by Honoring First African Trillionaire

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has chosen to observe Juneteenth, the federal holiday commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, by honoring the first African trillionaire, Elon Musk, disgusted sources report.

“Today, we celebrate Juneteenth by honoring my friend Elon,” Trump said on the White House lawn as custodial staff continued to clean the half-empty Bud Light pounders and dried vomit from last weekend’s Freedom 250 celebration. “He’s now a trillionaire, and some even say he couldn’t have done it without me, which is great. You know, our wonderful country, which suffered so much under Crooked Joe Biden and the Dumocrats, was admitting countless illegals and letting them perform sex change operations on our kids. It’s true, but I’ve put a stop to that, and we’re finally back again, and we have our first trillionaire, so Happy Juneteenth.”

 Elon Musk expressed his pride in being recognized.

“What an honor it is to be celebrated at the White House on this Juneteenth,” Musk told reporters. “It wasn’t easy becoming the world’s first African trillionaire, but the tireless work I put into SpaceX finally paid off, and I am finally worth more than the GDP of every single country on my home continent. Let this be a lesson: you too can achieve your dreams if you set your mind to it. Of course, it also helps if you possess the political connections necessary to alter the rules of the exchange your absurdly overvalued company uses for its IPO, but there’s really no need for us to split hairs here. In short, me being the first African trillionaire is a great example of the strident leaps America has made since I got here.”

Trump voter Hugo Ballas was inspired by the speeches.

“I bet the liberal media won’t even cover this event,” Ballas said. “They’re always talking about how supposedly racist Trump is, but he’s out there honoring an African trillionaire on Juneteenth. I had always dismissed this holiday as woke bullshit, but not anymore. I’m so happy for Elon, and would go out and buy myself a Cybertruck right now if I wasn’t so broke. I’ve been using a credit card to pay for gas and groceries since they’re so expensive, which is likely due to Biden having fucked up our economy before he left office.”

At press time, the White House event had culminated in Musk delivering his signature Roman salute.

We Sat Down With Failed Nepo Baby Jesus Christ

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Aren’t nepo babies the absolute worst? We were all told we could achieve our dreams if we worked hard and believed in ourselves, but it’s hard to trust in that message when you keep getting passed up for jobs just because some higher-up’s idiot son was also in the running. We’ve had enough and decided to confront the most useless failson in human history, Jesus Christ.

Hard Times: Hi Jesus, it’s nice to meet you.

Jesus Christ: Likewise, happy to be here.

HT: So, could you tell us how you came to be the incompetent head of the world’s most destructive religion?

JC: Dude, don’t even start with me right now. You have no idea.

HT: Please, indulge us.

JC: First off, I became the Messiah through my own merits, thank you very much. My Father chose me over other deities like Dionysus and Osiris because I had the drive and gumption to make shit happen, you know? He needed someone with the balls to forgive humans of the sin of Adam and Eve, and it just so happened to be His only begotten Son who was up to the challenge.

HT: OK, and so what happened?

JC: It was my fucking idiot coworker Judas. He’s the one who sold me out to the Romans and got me crucified. I wasn’t even supposed to rise from the dead, but I just got bored in that cave and decided to walk out. Next thing I know, people are invading and enslaving one another in my name. I hadn’t intended on making such a grandiose exit, but it just worked out that way. My dad was fucking pissed when I got back to Heaven, though, because that shit was definitely not in the SOP he had given me.

HT: So you admit you failed at your job, right? Look at the United States, for example. We’re completely fucked right now, and it’s almost entirely because of your followers.

JC: No way, dude. Don’t pin that on me. You know those Christian Nationalists would’ve just used some other religion to subjugate the people if I’d never come around.

HT: Yeah, you’re probably right there, but why don’t you just show yourself to them and make it clear that this wasn’t your intended message?

JC: I’d fucking love to, but tell that to my dad, man. You just can’t reason with the guy.

HT: Well then, can we talk to Him?

JC: I don’t know. He’s pretty tough to get a hold of, and — what’s that, Dad? You need me to appear on a chunk of water-stained plaster in Duluth? And it’s that fake, white version of me that everyone worships? Alright. Sorry guys, I gotta go. It was great talking to you, though.

There you have it. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with former angel turned startup CEO Lucifer.

Picky Cat Will Only Chew on Cords Plugged Into Walls

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — A one-year-old tabby named Paulie turned down nearly all forms of cat food offered to him, opting instead to partake only in chewing on electrical cords plugged into wall sockets around his home, frustrated owners have confirmed.

“Yeah, wet food is fine, but I’ve been in the mood for something that’ll titillate my taste buds and my central nervous system. As it turns out there’s a whole bunch of noodles coming out of the walls my owners use to plug their various glowing rectangles into, and damn are they tasty,” said Paulie. “The only problem is once I chew through it, all the spiciness is gone and I have to find a new one before dinner and they all get locked up in the cabinet. Why do they get all bent out of shape that I’m foraging for my own food? Pretty sure I’m saving them money by doing this.”

Paulie’s owners were powerless in encouraging him to expand his palette.

“I’m going to be completely honest, it feels like Paulie is trying to burn through his nine lives as quickly as possible and in the stupidest way possible. And it’s never any unplugged cords he’s gnawing, it has to be plugged in and apparently it has to be powering something detrimentally important like the refrigerator,” said Lee White. “We’ve even tried going all out with making him five star meals every night, and every night he just goes straight for the phone chargers. Why can’t he do normal annoying cat stuff like eating the houseplants or throwing up on the bed?”

Paulie’s vet admitted this behavior is actually more common than most pet owners think.

“Animals with pica disorder will eventually stop if you can stay on top of the behavior. However, young tabbies are hands down the most stubborn sons of bitches in the animal kingdom. They can and will destroy everything in your home and themselves while they’re at it,” said Dr. Diana Livingston. “I’ve always recommended adding Sprite McDonald’s into their water to replicate the feeling of being electrocuted, but giving them diabetes can be just as bad. I’d just recommend anyone with this kind of cat to forgo all technology and live like the pioneers did, lest they want to end up with a fried cat and a busted TV.” 

As of press time, Paulie weaned himself off electrical cords and moved onto eating through his owner’s vintage video game controllers.

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