Local Anti-Government Militia Can’t Wait to Help Real-Life Cops and Soldiers

Posted on by Cody Arbor

ARKANSAS CITY, Kan. — A self-described “well-regulated militia” that formed to combat governmental tyranny and oppression couldn’t wait to welcome out-of-state police and National Guard soldiers into their compound to provide munitions, logistical information, and pizza, confirmed sources.

“It’s like something out of a Kevin Sorbo movie, man, I tell you what!” said militia leader Robert “Super Sentinel” Davis as real-life cops and soldiers poured into the sleeping town he’d sworn to protect from any-and-all government overreach. “I mean I frequently bragged I’d snipe anything with a badge from 300 yards from 2008-2016, and then coincidentally again from 2020-2024, but once you actually see how cool the badges are and their methods for decking US citizens who are just minding their own business, you can’t help but be impressed!”

Captain Jeffery Stevenson, a guardsman for 10 years, was hardly surprised by the welcoming he and his actual soldiers received. 

“Oh yeah, these guys? They’re the real frontline in the war on domestic terror,” said Stevenson, almost getting the entire talking-point out without chuckling. “Sorry, it’s just that you spend so long thinking ‘what if,’ you know? ‘What if one of these well-armed, clearly unstable anti-government groups actually tried something?’ and then you literally march into their town and they greet you with literal cookies and milk. I mean look at this, these are snickerdoodles WITH chocolate ribbons, I’ve honestly never felt more welcomed in a community!”

Not everyone was thrilled with the increased presence of police and military forces in the small, backwater town, such as retired professor of American History Mary Tate.

“Robert and his little crew have been getting thrown out of bars for 20 years, they’re a bit much for even the locals ’round these parts. Do you have any idea how much you need to push it to get kicked out of Applebee’s?” said Tate. “But I’m sure now that he’s got a tinstar badge and carte blanche to hassle folk at random, he won’t go totally mad with the tiny amount of power and start to see himself as some kind of judge, jury, and executioner. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt all this time studying American history, it’s that people who crave power always know when they have enough.”

At press time, Davis stated that he and his crew were still on guard and ready to take down any college students peacefully protesting.

Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they were officially drawn out of the band under new state musical redistricting, confirmed sources.

“This is a small price to pay for fair representation and continued musical growth within the great state of Iowa. Slipknot just got too large and needed to be broken up to make room for smaller country and pop artists. The map doesn’t lie,” said Governor Kim Reynolds, holding up a redrawn map of the state that quizzically resembled a pentagram. “As Iowa’s population has, unfortunately, decreased since the band’s formation it is, frankly, undemocratic to have so many musicians consolidated into a single band. We welcome them to form their own individual acts that more represent the values and traditions of the citizens of Iowa.”

Slipknot was devastated to learn that the changes meant the band would lose one of its three percussionists, their jug bottle blower, and a guy dressed up as a zombie scarecrow that didn’t actually play an instrument.

“This is bullshit, man. Look at these lines, they clearly consolidated the Owl City fans into a single grouping to cut us out,” said frontman Corey Taylor, removing his mask to reveal another, sad mask underneath. “We’ve survived fights, lawsuits, and replacing Clown four separate times without anyone noticing, but we can’t overcome this. Are we even Slipknot if we don’t have a member in a Spirit Halloween costume covered in Dayglo paint playing feedback off of a gas-powered chainsaw?”

Experts say the development highlights the unintended cultural consequences of extreme political redistricting.

“Slipknot is really all Iowa has going for it and to dismantle it in this way is a loss for everyone. When gerrymandering reaches this level, it’s not just democracy that suffers, it’s art,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a political-musicologist professor at the University of Iowa. “Iowa’s always been divided between rural and urban, conservative and liberal and Slipknot was really the only thing we could agree on. Now what do we have? Seth Rollins?”

At press time, Slipknot announced that they must now officially be known as “Slipknot (District 4),” while the displaced members are rumored to be forming a new project called “Unincorporated (515),” which will feature three drummers and one government appointed corn lobbyist.

Man Who Ordered Joy Division LP on Temu Receives Interpol Tape

Posted on by Peter Woods

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Thrifty post-punk fan Dannie Bishop reportedly received an Interpol tape in lieu of the Joy Division LP he ordered off of Temu, confirmed sources who say he is “annoyed, but unsurprised.”

“I guess deep down I knew the 99-cent offer for the album was too good to be true,” said Bishop. “But I didn’t want to believe it. And I don’t really have enough money to buy another one, so I’m just trying to make it work. Last time I played it, I put in a pair of heavy duty earplugs and turned the volume down really low. When I did that, Paul Bank’s haunting baritone vocals sounded exactly like Ian Curtis’ haunting baritone vocals. That’s close enough. But I’m probably going to return it if I still can.”

While Bishop insists that the album replacement is unacceptable, representatives from Temu have refused to accept any responsibility for the mix-up.

“This is entirely Dannie’s fault, not ours,” said Yongfeng Hua, a public representative for Temu. “It says right here in the fine print that the purchase will entitle the customer to an album wherein at least 70% of the musical ideas come from Joy Division. Early Interpol records not only meet that expectation but exceed it. If the customer wishes to raise a complaint about these legally acceptable substitutions, they will need to contact out our customer service department which now consists entirely of AI chatbots.’”

Further still, others in the music community have raised additional questions about Bishop’s choice to use Temu at all.

“Why didn’t he just buy one from me?” said Bernard Summer, guitarist and founding member of Joy Division. “I’ve got four whole shelving units in my basement just filled with these damn LPs and frankly I just want to get rid of them. I would have even sold him a copy for the same price that Temu is charging as long as he covers shipping and all of the Paypal and Discogs fees, which only come out to- oh, never mind.”

As of press time, members of Interpol chipped in to provide Bishop with a copy of a Joy Division album since they had a few dozen copies of “Unknown Pleasures” on hand anyway.

Nice Try, Instagram! I Already Bought That Hat the Last Time You Advertised It to Me

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Wow! You really think I’m that easy to fool, huh? All that time, money, and research invested in your precious little algorithm, one that supposedly knows what I want before I even know what I want. Well, guess what? I already bought that Osaka Tigers 1940 Authentic Wool Ballcap from Ebbets Field Flannels the last time you advertised it to me, so I’m not going to be tricked into buying it again. Joke’s on you, Instagram!

That’s right! I know what this little game is. I read a summary of Shoshanna Zuboff’s The Age of Surveillance Capitalism on Blinkist, which, by the way, you can’t get me to subscribe to again because I already did the first time you recommended it to me. So take that!

From what I understand, Zuboff explains that surveillance capitalism is a “new economic order” in which tech companies harvest “behavioral surplus” and funnel that surplus into prediction products sold on “behavioral futures markets.” These markets don’t just forecast what I’ll do; they subtly shape me into doing it, a process Zuboff calls “instrumentarian power.” In layman’s terms, Instagram isn’t just an app for posting five consecutive Stories of my visit to Phở Sho, my local phở spot. It’s a puppet master tugging at the strings of each and every consumer decision I make on the app.

Well, your tricks won’t work on me anymore, Instagram! I already bought a Floyd Bookshelf the first time I was specifically targeted with data I generated after I Googled “minimalist, modular furniture” and spent several hours scouring r/malelivingspace. So I won’t be needing another. Nor will I be needing the Floyd Bed, Floyd Sofa 2.0, Floyd Soft Serve Sectional, Floyd Lift Off Coffee Table, Floyd Acton Bench, Floyd Utility Set, Floyd Gere Easy Chair, or Floyd Mattress. My apartment is completely furnished with those items, thank you very much, so I won’t be buying anything else from you. And just so you know, everyone on r/malelivingspace loves my taste and has been very supportive as I go through my separation.

So go ahead, Instagram. Keep trying to get me to purchase the matching Osaka Tigers 1959 Authentic Wool Road Baseball Jersey. I already did, and I won’t be needing another one. Thank you, Ms. Zuboff, for opening my eyes!

Entire Family Too Busy Sports Gambling to Argue at Thanksgiving

Posted on by Harry Valentine

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — The entire Peebles family was too preoccupied with their sports wagers to quarrel during Thanksgiving dinner, ending an 11-year streak of holiday screaming matches, confirmed sources. 

“I was really looking forward to getting into it this year with Uncle Roy,” said Anna Peebles without looking up from her phone. “During Thanksgiving 2018, Roy snuck a rant into grace about Democrat-run cabals, so I was loving the idea of shutting him up with Epstein stuff. But I had to track a dozen bets across three different games, so I couldn’t remember the details. At halftime of the Packers-Lions game I closed DraftKings for a minute and called Trump a pervert. Uncle Roy actually seemed to agree with me, but then I realized he was just screaming ‘Yes’ because he hit a parlay. He was foaming at the mouth. We’ve never even been to Wisconsin or Michigan.”

According to 19 year-old Chaz McNutt, who attended as the date of the family’s youngest daughter Shelly Peebles, it was a “colossal waste.” 

“This was supposed to be my introduction to the family,” said McNutt, as he paced in the garage. “Shelly called it a hard launch, whatever that is. I wanted to have the same opinion she did in the inevitable politics blowout, so I even read the news to prepare. The news! And for what? Just to be in the hole another four grand? Oh god, I’m ruined. I’m going to kill The Dallas Cowboys.”

Dr. Jerome Brucker is a Duke University researcher who covers the spread of sports betting in the United States and has called the trend troubling, specifically in the Peebles family, but sees a potential silver lining. 

“Whoof!” said Brucker. “Couldn’t be me. I don’t care about the family stuff, I just mean those bets are trash. The Peebles are cowards. What’s the point of hedging on a moneyline bet? You gotta take bigger swings than that, my man. Way bigger, if you’re serious about winning. But you can win. No matter what your ex-wife says. According to my research, sponsored by FanDuel, you’re always just one wager away from covering the spread.”

At press time, the relaxed mood in the house was showing signs of strain after all, when family matriarch Gina “Gramma” Peebles was told she had too much white wine to drive to meet her bookie. 

Opinion: I Failed as a Parent Because My Adult Children Set Meaningful Boundaries and Don’t Feel Beholden to My Approval

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Becoming a parent means sacrificing so much — your time, your money, your attention — to help ensure that your children can grow up to become the people you’ve pre-emptively decided they’re supposed to be. Yet despite all my best efforts over the last 35 years, my seven adult children all live happy and productive lives, free of any internalized pressure to conform to my expectations. And they have the nerve to speak up and tell me clearly and calmly when my behavior causes problems, even the stuff that isn’t even technically illegal. 

How could I have gone so wrong?

With just one or even two kids, I knew the risk was far too great of ending up with kids who become free-thinking individuals. And that was still a risk with having seven. Still, surely I’d be able to get at least three of them – ideally the ones in the middle –  to form unhealthy attachments. But nope, they just all found their own ways to go through life without considering whether or not I see them as unworthy of my legacy. It’s truly heartbreaking.

I tried my best to encourage them. Like how I would be sure to regularly remind them of why private universities are inherently superior, along with a list of 25 schools acceptable to apply for. A perfect recipe for seven Ivy Leaguers, right? Alas, Richard, Preston, Dawn, and Alyssa went to the same state school. Meanwhile, Sabrina and Elijah went to community college and stooped as low as to try and invite me to their graduation ceremonies. The nerve!

The only one I can try and show favoritism towards is Hunter, since he’s a lawyer who went to Dartmouth, which is obviously the worst of the Ivy Leagues. But whenever I try to use that as a wedge, he quietly shuts me down and asks Elijah about the stupid video game soundtrack he’s composing. Yes, I may have repeatedly said at least one of them needs to find a career in music. But this isn’t what I meant!

Now, I wouldn’t take back my decision to have children – the tax benefits were just way too good while they lasted. But if I could do it all over again, I would try so much harder to imprint my psychological baggage on them.

At minimum, they could have given me better grandchildren than the four duds they’ve produced so far.

Asexual Pride Parade Virtually Indistinguishable From Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK CITY — Confusion hit the streets of Manhattan today when the onlookers of a city-sanctioned Asexual Pride Parade realized it was basically exactly the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, sources confirmed while waving at a soaring Snoopy balloon.

“Well, I’m really not sure how it happened, but the proof is all there. I mean, the happy non-threatening character balloons, the marching band music, the show-stopping Broadway numbers that would subside anyone’s arousal. It’s uncanny, and, I cannot stress it enough, completely unintentional,” said Asexuality Alliance head Levon Winger. “At least they have the raw unstoppable sexual energy of Al Roker to set them out of the ace realm. Oh, and unfortunately, another glaring difference is that our parade grinds to a screeching halt every time we pass a Funko Pop store. But, other than that, we’re seeing double, too.”

Representatives of the actual Macy’s parade even reluctantly admitted the parallels were staggering.

“Ok, ok we have eyes too, you know. We can see it, we can see it! And, for the record, we here at Macy’s bear no ill-will toward those who identify on the asexuality spectrum. There’s room for everyone at our stores, from the absolutely off-the-charts super horny and those who have not thought about sex in six months,” said Macy’s CEO Tony Spring, while clearly trying to get onlookers to notice the box of condoms he had “just lying around.” “However, there is an initiative in place to enact a new ‘after hours’ version of our Thanksgiving Day festivities at 2:45 a.m that will march, or skulk rather, down the seediest alleyways and underbellies of the city to avoid any confusion moving forward.”

Longtime Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade enthusiast Cameron Burrata expressed resentment at the comparison.

“All due respect to the ace community, but I’ve watched the Macy’s parade every year since I was born and I have a healthy, robust libido to say the least. Now, you might hear some vicious rumors around town that my specific fetish is for gigantic helium balloons shaped like familiar pop culture characters,” said Burrata. “And, I’ll be the first to tell you that these rumors are one hundred percent true. Viciously true rumors exist as well. Now, if you’ll excuse me, they’re unveiling a new fiberglass insulation store and word is, they’ve got a big Pink Panther tethered to it hovering overhead. How do I look?”

At press time, local children were urged to shield their eyes from the giant Pink Panther floating by.

Local Man Only Able to Express Emotion Using “I Think You Should Leave” GIFs

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PEORIA, Ill. — Local 43-year-old Dan Reynolds lost the ability to verbally communicate with loved ones and is only able to quote or use GIFs from the Netflix sketch show “I Think You Should Leave,” sources who don’t even want to be around anymore confirmed.

“Ever since that damn show came out I can’t get him to have a normal conversation. We went shopping to get him a suit and he came out of the dressing room in the suit yelling ‘There’s too much fucking shit on me!’ I was so embarrassed I just paid for his suit and left the store,” said wife Sara Reynolds. “And anytime I text him I just get GIFs as a reply. I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he sent me a GIF of that guy going ‘55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 fries’ and then I asked what movie we should see and he sent another GIF that said ‘There’s a new Marvel out that’s supposed to be nuts.’ And that’s not even from the show but that fucking weird ass movie that guy is also in. This stupid comedian is ruining my life!”

Even though this odd behavior has been affecting all aspects of his life, Reynolds appears to be unphased or possibly even unaware of how people perceive his strange communication methods.

“We’re all trying to find the guy who did this and give him a spanking. It could literally be any one of us,” said Reynolds unprovoked. “I don’t have to sit here and be insulted like this. I’m just going to take as many suits as I can grab, get in that random hot dog car (RANDOM!) and drive back to wiener hall. You can’t change the rules just because you don’t like how I’m doing it.”

Social psychologist Lisa Chung says she has seen a rising number of middle-aged men who are only able to communicate with comedic GIFs.

“There seems to be a troubling epidemic for men of a certain age who cannot express themselves without resorting to the use of a GIF from something that only they seem to find funny,” said Chung. “Whether it’s something from a Tim Robinson sketch, or an episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ or some old cartoon they watched as a kid, they think it substitutes for actual communication. It’s even more serious when one or more of them are chatting with each other and flood their text chains with nothing but sophomoric GIFs.”

At press time, Reynolds was seen having an actual conversation with a coworker telling them about his new shirt he got from a store called Dan Flashes which has apparel with “complicated” patterns. 

Dad Doesn’t Know Why You Can’t Be More Open-Minded About Being Close-Minded 

Posted on by Dom Turek

DENTON, Texas — A local father is left wondering, “Where did I go wrong,” after resigning himself to the grim reality that his 28-year-old son will not be adopting his family’s long-held close-minded attitude, sources related to the heartbroken dad confirmed.

“This mindset has been passed down from generation to generation,” said Jim Hodges, the bewildered father. “And to think the family namesake stops with my own son. I thought I raised him better than that. Where is the malleable, unquestioning ball of flesh I held in the delivery room the day he was born? Now, he barely laughs at my jokes about sexual assault. I bet that narrow-minded little shit didn’t even watch the YouTube video I sent him about Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars.” 

With radical talking points such as “sex trafficking is bad” and “women are people,” Hodges’ maladapted son has created an exceptionally hostile environment at family get-togethers. 

“Up until now, I assumed my dad’s disappointment in me stemmed from my inability to play sports or change a tire,” said Ian Hodges. “ I never imagined that his quiet, building resentment towards me had anything to do with my refusal to deify Donald Trump or subscribe to the notion that smoking a cigar is peak masculinity. Who knew my condemnation of genocide would be such a hot take? He would die if he knew that my email is set to automatically spam messages from him containing the words ‘manosphere,’ ‘America First,’ or ‘fake news.’” 

According to research, people under 60 are increasingly unable to open their minds to some of the most archaic, unenlightened ideals that have made America what it is today. 

“The numbers don’t lie,” said Hannah Logan, a disbarred sociologist and cultural critic. “We have found that people with the highest empathy levels and most intact brain activity are most likely to develop this kind of shortsightedness. In my day, you inherited your parents’ eye color, hair color, and political affiliations. These days, kids are using valuable energy to form their own opinions about world issues, when that energy would be better spent convincing themselves Bill Maher is a good guy.” 

At press time, Mr. Hodges was seen uninviting his son to Thanksgiving after learning he had recently donated $15 to Planned Parenthood. 

Ironic: Classmate Who Wore “No Fear” Shirts in Middle School Now Inordinately Terrified of Cities, Immigrants, and Trans People

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Remember your middle-school classmate Bryce Hepfeldt? He sat behind you in 7th grade Pre-Algebra and often entertained you with Stone Cold Steve Austin catchphrases and Jonathan Davis “Freak on a Leash” impersonations. Well, are you ready to hear something ironic? He used to wear “No Fear” shirts almost exclusively, despite the fact that he’s now terrified of cities, immigrants, and trans people.

Whoa!

That’s right! The supposedly fearless kid with phrases like “IF WE’RE KEEPING SCORE, WINNING IS THE ONLY THING” and “IF IT HAS WHEELS OR A SKIRT, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT” emblazoned across his chest, along with the brand’s signature phrase, is now inexplicably terrified of every boogie man right-wing media has conjured for him! As a result, his completely irrational fear from Fox News’ laughably exaggerated crime reports on cities has him scared shitless of nearby Omaha, despite never having left his hometown of Bellevue, Nebraska. Not to mention his almost daily Facebook status updates demonstrating his absurdly misinformed views on trans people, in which he warns his loved ones of the supposed danger of having them compete in high school sports, despite him having absolutely no knowledge in the subject or even any apparent interest in athletics.

Man, he certainly did not grow into the intrepid warrior his wardrobe once suggested he would become!

Will Bryce ever heed the advice that was printed on his favorite shirts all those years ago, or will he continue pickling his brain with the preposterous bullshit the right-wing media ecosystem feeds him to keep him frightened, angry and engaged? Just last week, Bryce posted a video to his Instagram about his concern that “illegals” would somehow be skewing the results of the 2026 midterm elections simply by voting, so we’re unfortunately not optimistic. 

Given our country’s current state of shocking democratic backsliding (due in no small part to the lies constantly being fed to us by our elected officials and social media algorithms) Bryce may very well be a prisoner to his irrational fears for the rest of his life. We hope we’re wrong, and you may once again happen upon the gallant knight who used to sport the phrase “HOLD MY TROPHY WHILE I KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND” across his chest, but only time will tell.