WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.
“Listen Jack, what’s happening in the beautiful city of Los Angeles right now is devastating. I remember the first time I visited LA. I was 26 and I met this really cool cat named Charlie down by the PCH but that’s a story for a different day. We need to focus on helping the people of Los Angeles recover, and to do that properly we need to make sure Israel can defend itself,” said Biden after the funeral service for former president Jimmy Carter. “If this fire continues to grow it could hop the Pacific Ocean, span across Asia, and cause immediate damage to our allies. With these weapons, they will be able to bomb the fire, and engage in tactical strikes in order to make sure the wildfire does not reach their border.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu applauded President Biden for his innovative approach to fighting wildfires contained in the continental United States.
“Our intelligence agency reports there is good evidence that Hamas is responsible for the brutal Santa Ana winds that caused this disaster. We are more than willing to bomb every hospital and school in the great Los Angeles area to help neutralize the threat,” said Netanyahu. “If we do not put an end to the threat of Hamas immediately they might be able to cause more natural disasters. Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, and even brutally cold winters are all the handiwork of Hamas leadership. We believe we can exterminate that threat if only we had a few billion more dollars given to us with no oversight on how it is spent.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom also supported President Biden’s plan for federal funds, but will be taking additional action as well.
“We need to pray for Los Angeles right now. These fires are a direct threat to many communities, but we also have to remember that unhoused individuals are often as dangerous as wildfires. That is why I’ll be redirecting resources to help law enforcement officials break up large encampments across the city,” said Newsom while posing in front of some smoldering brush. “I’ve spoken with the largest donors in the city and they all agree that we need to eradicate the homeless population as soon as possible, I think now is the perfect time to make that happen.”
At press time, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass was entering her 16th hour of staring blankly without saying a word after being asked how she will handle the wildfire emergency.
Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?
Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.
Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.
Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.
Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.
Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.
Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.
We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.
Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.
This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.
He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.
This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!
This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!
Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.
We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.
