Opinion: Having a Child Opened My Eyes to The Beauty of Scheduling 8 a.m. Meetings for All My Coworkers

Posted on by John Danek

The miracle of childbirth changes you instantly. When I first saw my goopy baby and heard its cries, my heart swelled; I knew life would be forever different.

Specifically, I would never miss an opportunity to schedule an 8 a.m. all hands meeting ever again. When my baby rises at 4:45 in the morning, so do I. There was a time when I fancied myself a night owl, but it turns out I do my best thinking in the morning. And I’m going to help all of my coworkers come to this realization for themselves.

When I look into my little Markston’s eyes, I feel an intense responsibility to care for this gorgeous living being. And that love now exists for the twentysomethings I manage at the digital advertising firm where I work. They are very appreciative of my meeting start time change. Many of them followed up my meeting invite with confirmation, asking “Are you sure 8 a.m. is the best time for this?” It’s so rewarding to see how meticulous my crew is.

Even though Markston is my firstborn, sometimes I really feel like the father of 32 budding minds. I share my love for them by sending early morning deliverable requests before the sun is up, even if the new hires and interns are hungover or still drunk from the previous night’s mandatory social hour. Sometimes the best love is tough love.

When my wife gave birth, it filled a void in my heart and my time off explanations. I used to feel the need to justify and over-explain vacation requests or last-minute appointments. Now I can just blast a message to my team saying “Kiddo…” with a frowny face emoji and no one dares question it. Or I can just approve my own 2-week “family vacation” while denying requests for “spring break.” If my staff can’t take their time outside of work seriously, how can they expect me to?

To all the childless late sleepers, just know this- having a child doesn’t make me better than you. Unless we’re considering contributions to the human race as a whole, then yeah, it’s kinda hard to argue that I’m not.

But really… why should we box ourself in to an 8 a.m. start time? Is it really that different from 7:30? Sorry, I have a meeting invite to update.

Ben and Jerry’s Collaborate With Mac DeMarco to Release Cigarette and Black Coffee Ice Cream

Posted on by Ian Steffé

WATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast of Champions,” a cigarette and black coffee ice cream.

“I don’t actually remember doing this, but I guess that’s cool,” DeMarco mused when we asked for comment, his face bearing the imprint of his sweatshirt from sleeping on his couch. “I mean, I could totally see myself coming up with this. I believe you. I mean, my face is right there on the carton. But I sort of have a lot of projects going at the same time. This is great, and I bet it tastes really good, I just have no idea how this even came to fruition.”

Alex Gilblom of the Ben and Jerry’s test kitchen provided some expert insight into the creation and test processes.

“This was one we had a lot of fun making. We have a base of Irish creme black coffee from Circle K that we age for a few days in a somewhat sterile environment. Then there’s a marshmallow swirl, complemented with free-range ashes we collect up from nearby mall ashtrays. Then we dip Lucky Strike filters in tempered smoked chocolate, and finish it with little menthol-flavored camel-shaped candies. The whole flavor profile should harken to the butt cup Mac has in his ‘93 Toyota Corolla.”

However, not all reactions to this avant-garde flavor have been positive, including local fan Brandon Wooster, who tried it upon release.

“Oh my God, no. I think I lasted like three bites. I mean I’m down for anything weird. But that shit tasted like–I mean I don’t want to get too poetic about it–but it tasted like Mickey Rourke. And the burning feeling, it felt like I ate one of those old thin glass Christmas ornaments,” Wooster croaked before spitting out a Canadian penny and a completely intact hot dog relish packet.
“Sorry, this keeps happening since I got out of the hospital. My doctor said it’s going to take a while before I pass whatever I ate, and I guess whatever hole it comes out of is fair game.”

Despite the criticism, this is but the first of three flavors soon to be released this summer, with “Elliott Smith’s Sticky Sock Vacation” dropping next week, and something called “Tom Waits’ Uncle Onion Sandwich” arriving shortly after.

Six Songs We Managed To Listen To This Week Before Apple Crushed The Bands’ Instruments With A Hydraulic Press

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another endless onslaught of new and terrifying music. We know you don’t have the time to sift through it all, so we’ve dropped everything in our busy schedules to do it for you. It would be nice if you thanked us, but you never have and you probably never will. Instead of dwelling on the fact that you’re the most ungrateful person we’ve ever met, let’s forget about it and dive right in. Here are six new songs that need to be on your radar before your friends make fun of you even more than they already do. You’re welcome.

Yambag “Mindfuck Ultra”

If you love hardcore, have limited time, and long for songs that make you feel like you’re having a literal goddamn heart attack, then Cleveland, Ohio’s Yambag is for you. Their latest album, ‘Mindfuck Ultra,’ clocks in at just ten minutes long, and each of its eleven – ELEVEN – tracks will make you feel you’ve been transported to the dirtiest, sweatiest basement known to man. We don’t want to alarm you, but seven of our writers somehow got broken noses at their desks within seconds of us putting this one on.

ROAR “The Body Is A Temple For Heavier Metal”

ROAR – the mostly solo project of Phoenix multi-instrumentalist Owen Evans – had a bit of an unexpected upswing last summer when his single ‘I Can’t Handle Change’ suddenly went viral over a decade after its initial release. Clearly in a celebratory mood, Evans has released a new album entitled ‘Knives For Aries.’ It’s a short and sweet epic that tackles uplifting themes such as: forever chemicals destroying our bodies, the exhausting grind of remaining relevant on the internet, and maintaining a ‘punk as fuck’ ethos despite becoming older and more boring in your adult life.

SWEET SPINE “time stands still”

Shoegaze Spring is yet again upon us, and we hope you’ve prepared yourself this year. If you haven’t, we’ve got you covered with South Carolina’s up and coming indie-rock trio SWEET SPINE. Their latest and aptly titled single, ‘time stands still,’ is sure to steal even more hours of your day than you usually waste. One listen and you’ll be compelled to repeat it over and over again, which is great because most medical professionals recommend at least six hours of fuzz guitars coupled with catchy-as-fuck melodies a day. Your health is important and we care.

Sorry Mom “But I’m A Quarterback”

You probably don’t remember Sorry Mom’s viral hit ‘I Fucked Yr Mom’ because it came out in 2021 and social media has slowly eroded your short term memory and recall skills since then, but that song ripped and so does Sorry Mom. Fortunately, they understand your absolute shitshow of an attention span and are showing no signs of shutting their highly productive power-pop factory. Their latest, ‘But I’m A Quarterback’ chugs along at a relentless clip before absolutely exploding right at the moment you’re thinking of checking Instagram again. Quite a feat for you.

Coheed and Cambria “The Joke”

In case you didn’t hear about it from your D&D party – don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you still play – Coheed and Cambria have released a new B-Side, ‘The Joke.’ It’s their second one-off single since the surprise drop of the much sought after 2011 track ‘Deranged.’ Maybe it’s gone over our heads, but we have yet to find anything funny in the newly released track. To the contrary, the lyrics are actually kind of depressing. That doesn’t mean we haven’t enjoyed the trippy production and Claudio’s trademark vocal stylings, however.

Knocked Loose “The Calm That Keeps You Awake”

We’re currently posting this article from a hidden bunker in a remote area of Alaska, hundreds of miles away from any of our interns. That’s because Knocked Loose finally released their highly anticipated LP ‘You Won’t Go Before You’re Supposed To.’ Given the absolute chaos that has permeated all the lead singles, we don’t feel particularly reassured by the album title. Our paranoia was severely escalated when one of our writers punched out every window in our office and used their own blood to write the band’s name on several of the walls.

Did you know we’ve compiled these and several other songs into a convenient and disorienting playlist? Did you also know we update it every week so you never even have to try to look for new songs yourself? It’s because we love you that much, even though you don’t deserve it all. Click here to listen, follow, and share. Seriously, though. It’s the least you can do.

5 Awesome Fashion Hacks to Tell the World “I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb!”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Fashion trends come and go, but true style is deeply personal and unique. Clothing isn’t just something you wear or use to express your superiority in terms of band tees you chose to purchase from the local Buffalo Exchange. It tells the world that here I am, and no one is like me! Especially not any twin whom you overpowered during gestation and seized their potential strength for your own!

That’s why we’ve made this list of awesome hacks that anyone can use to stand out from the crowd, especially if they want to make sure that everyone around them knows that they are the victor in the terrible in-utero battle known as the “vanishing twin syndrome!” That’s right, stick with these fashion hacks, and the whole world will know you absorbed your twin in the womb!

Invest in Capsule Wardrobe

If you’re asking what a “capsule wardrobe” is, congratulations, you’re ignorant! It’s the easiest thing in the world to go minimalist and make sure all your clothing works interchangeably, thereby showing the world that you’ve got better things to do than actively match, and one of them was absorbing your genetically identical sibling!

Forget Day to Night, Try Two Twin Fetuses to a Single Winner

Sometimes, you’ll head into the office in one outfit, knowing that you plan to rage all night on a bender of Southern Comfort-branded cocktails and cocaine. But you don’t have to worry about transitioning from one look to another if you have the confidence that comes with knowing you won your first battle even before you splashed out of your mom!

Remember, confidence is sexy, and sex is fashion.

Scarves. Always Scarves

Like Steven Tyler and Johnny Depp before you, scarves that hide your sins are key to your fashion image. But there’s no reason to hide that you need the fact that your twin, who might have become an artist or a saint, couldn’t withstand being absorbed into your very essence! If anything, you should be proud. The scarves will hide all the other terrible things you’ve done, though.

Wear a Shirt That Says, “Ask Me About How I Absorbed My Twin in the Womb, and While They May Not Have Developed into a Fully Formed Human Being, I Can Still Hear Their Vengeful Whispers in the Dark of the Night!”

It’s a conversation starter, at the very least.

Always Leave One Thing Behind, Much Like an Unborn Twin

Style icon Coco Chanel said it best: “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory.” For an alleged Nazi collaborator, that lady knew how to put an outfit together, and she’s right. If there’s one thing you don’t need, it’s a twin who would surely have absorbed you first if given half the chance!

Stick and Poke Artist Has Wide Range of Flash from Raccoon Saying ACAB to Pigeon Saying ACAB

Posted on by Marie Cartier

PORTLAND, Ore. – Local tattoo enthusiasts are impressed with the variety of urban scavenger and anti-police themed flash available at a new stick and poke operation by artist Katie Watson, sources unconcerned with the possibility of infection report.

“I try to keep a high standard of hygiene,” said Watson from her workspace, a yoga mat on her studio apartment floor. “I have isopropyl alcohol and a whole roll of paper towels. My sharps container is a plastic soda bottle which the people at the needle exchange said was fine. I really strive, as an artist, to keep my flash relevant to current political themes and movements, and combine that with subjects my clientele will relate to. I think my classical training shows through in this selection of work: inspirations include Emory Douglas, Goya, and of course, the animals in the dumpster behind my building.”

In times of increasing economic hardship, many are relieved to find this quality of tattoo work at an affordable price.

“This is the most legit cheap, sketchy tattoo I’ve ever gotten!” said Dan Flores, aspiring professional skater and part-time budtender. “It actually looks like what it’s supposed to: A raccoon saying ACAB. And she barely even made me bleed. My twelve roommates back in our dilapidated house are thinking of having Katie do a guest spot next month in the kitchen. She’ll make 80, maybe even 90 bucks in a single weekend.”

However, not everyone buys into the new standard Watson is setting for stick and pokes.

“I don’t see why you have to get so bougie with birds and letters,” pointed out a local man only known as Yukon Doug. “I used to tattoo tons of people and I can’t even draw. What it’s really about is trying to make an abstract design until you can’t stand the pain. It’s not like you’re gonna let it heal properly anyway. My whole mission in life, at this point, is to take the ‘posers’ out of ‘pokes.’”

At press time, Watson was seen experimenting with new drawings of bats saying “fuck the police.”

Some Recipes I Found and Also Alarming Crime in Your Area – Is This Near You? (Guest Column Sent From Your Mom’s iPad)

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Hi Sweetie,

I found some recipes I think you’ll really love. I know you said you don’t eat meat or fish anymore, so I found a few shrimp dishes for you. One of them tells you about nondairy substitutions – do you eat cheese? I can’t remember. Anyways, the Shrimp Scampi was a little too spicy for me but I know you put pepper flakes in everything I make so maybe you’ll like it. I also included a prosciutto flatbread recipe JUST IN CASE. Maybe you can make it for some of your little friends, okay? Or, you know, if you change your mind.

I heard on the news earlier that there’s been a lot of crime in your area! Lots of shoplifting, so be careful! I know you said you live Downtown – this seems to be happening in Beverly Hills. Is that close? Make sure you have your pepper spray with you. Have you been wearing the necklace we got you for high school graduation? Might be best to keep it in its box until this all blows over. I always told you living in a big city was going to be scary and it seems like the border is just a mess right now! But whatever makes you happy. Oh speaking of shopping centers, did you get that shirt your father and I sent you? I just wanted to check because we haven’t seen you wearing it in any of your Instagrams.

Did you hear that Celine Dion canceled the rest of her tour? Those poor fans. She said it was something about feeling stiff in the morning? I never liked her. Wasn’t she in that movie you like about the boat that sank? Speaking of movies, “Fried Green Tomatoes” was on TBS a few weeks ago.

I watched that gay pirate show you told me about. It made me cry! There’s a lot of interesting TV Specials coming up this month I think you might be interested in. I’m putting the link but I wrote out the entire schedule at the bottom anyways just in case.

We’re sending a care package for the cat so look out for that.

Oh also your father might have colon cancer. We’re waiting to hear back.

Love you!

Mommy

Sent from my iPad

Lone Woman in Metal Scene Completely Unaware She’s a Mother Figure to Almost Everyone

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Heavy metal fan and the lone adult female in the local metal scene, Kara Morgan, unintentionally became a maternal figure to nearly everyone in the community, anonymous sources close to the story report.

“[Morgan] is great. It’s like having a guardian angel who wears black leather and spiked gauntlets. We have become very protective of her,” remarked heavy metal fan Malcolm Hanson, wiping away a tear from his running corpse paint. “Kara’s always there to offer sage advice, lend an ear, or remind us to wear earplugs at concerts. It is really hard to show emotion around most of these guys, so it is nice to have her around. She’s the only one who remembers everyone’s birthdays and brings homemade cookies to band rehearsals. Plus, she always reminds everyone to drink water between each beer, which is essential for limiting hangovers.”

Morgan, however, remained blissfully unaware of her nurturing role within the metal scene.

“I just love the music and the community. At first, I wanted to make sure that the few girls that were around were treated nicely and taken care of. Soon, my house became like a haven for everyone,” Morgan explained after teaching a class in first-aid for pit injuries. “I had these big, bearded guys showing up wanting to learn how to cook something other than chili mac, or how to sew patches onto their jacket, or how to properly care for long hair. The thing is, I don’t really know how to do any of that shit either, but they blindly believe everything I say. Until I pick up a guitar, that’s when they all start giving me advice and tell me ‘I’m doing it wrong’ even though I’m way better than all of them. But I’m still happy to have them around, they will be embarrassed that I told you this but some just want to sit on the porch and talk shit they are going through over a few Jack & chamomile teas.”

Experts highlight the importance of nurturing figures like Morgan within tight-knit communities like the metal scene.

“Most of these people come from broken homes. They probably don’t even understand why they are gravitating towards her in the first place,” explained Dr. Emily Chang, a heavy metal sociologist. “The metal subculture is often associated with aggression and rebellion, having a maternal figure can provide a sense of stability and belonging. Kara’s presence demonstrates the multifaceted nature of identity and the power of nurturing relationships within unconventional social circles.”

As of press time, Morgan was reportedly preparing to drive a few members of the metal scene to their court hearings.

The Top Ten Underrated Interscope Records That Never Made it to Your Car’s Seven Disc CD Changer

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Jimmy Iovine and a dude that you never heard of founded Interscope Records in 1990 under the guise that said label will be VERY artist-friendly in terms of parks and recreation, and that’s all we have to say about that. Currently the mega-successful label’s roster includes Eminem, Billie Eilish, Imagine Dragons, and they are definitely going to get around to listening to that Bandcamp link you keep sending to any Interscope email you can find. We attempted to list the top ten most underrated Interscope Records albums in alphabetical order by band below, and you’d be surprised to know that you agree with every single choice and word written here. Bands that have sold infinity million records or more aren’t considered, and neither is your crust punk act that Interscope Records would have to have collectively showered with lots of soap post streaming!

Dredg “Catch Without Arms” (2005)

Try saying THIS band name five times fast; we will not attempt to play stenographer to your mumbling. Anyway, Los Gatos, California’s Dredg formed in 1993, and signed with Interscope Records approximately eight years later. Dredg would never truly break through the mainstream or most peoples’ vocabularies. The band will forever lie criminally underrated for their innovative music and tight live show, and fans of bugs, eyes, bug eyes, and progressive rock would kvell over Dredg. Specifically EVERY track on the flawless “Catch Without Arms”! If you had a chance to catch Circa Survive on the run for their best LP “Blue Sky Noise,” just a few years after “Catch Without Arms” was released, you may have caught Dredg along playing tracks from this LP with Animals As Leaders and Codeseven, making you better than even you; WE wasted all this time, we wasted all this time… ZEBRASKIN!

Drive Like Jehu “Yank Crime” (1994)

First of all, sorry/not sorry for not mentioning Rocket from the Crypt in this piece as “On A Rope” is NOT an underrated song, and the band is way too cult favorite-y for such moniker… but, yeah, they rip. John “Speedo/the Swami/Slasher” Reis did double duty in RFTC and DLJ, and because of this, he’s the MVP of this piece. Drive Like Jehu came, went, released this, one of the most influential albums for late-90s noisy emo-adjacent post hardcore, “Yank Crime,” and influenced all of your most favorite and least favorite bands from 1990-1995. Happily, they had a small reunion in 2014, but sadly, such is no longer and will likely never be as lead vocalist/rhythm guitarist Rick Froberg passed away last year. It’s a hard one to take, truly. Signing off with all of our donut friends and enemies.

Helmet “Betty” (1994)

Likely the most successful band mentioned here, at the very least in terms of musical influence, Helmet formed in “The City of Angels,” New York City, in 1989, and had a hell of a near decade run till their first (of one thus far) demise in 1998, only to return in the year of G.W. Bush’s second win. Republicans were so much less problematic then, eh? Don’t answer that and try to make a better back to back sequential album transition than “Meantime” into “Betty.” Yeah, size matters. Still our unsung album “Betty” that protected your domes/catalyzed Helmet in ALMOST morphed Helmet to a huge headliner, but definitely, like the aforementioned Drive Like Jehu, influenced your most prized politicians/proletarians. Interscope had the fortune of releasing THREE, not FOUR, full-length studio efforts from the band, and we are jealous of whichever Saudi Prince owns the masters.

The Hippos “Heads Are Gonna Roll” (1999)

Ska will always be BOTH underrated/overrated, but Los Angeles’ twenty piece quartet of two known as The Hippos will sadly forever be the latter. Honestly, they were just far behind the party in terms of financial success s-k-a overlords The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Less Than Jake, Reel Big Fish, and The White Stripes, and we wish that they never lost it. Still, their lone Interscope Records LP “Heads Are Gonna Roll” ditched many of the horns in favor of bleeps and bloops, but The Hippos were a tad too early to THAT party. There’s always something there to remind us of this band if you google lead vocalist/underrated guitarist Ariel Rechtshaid, and we’ll wait till you finish scrolling through his resume post-TH; hey there, Delilah, the father of the bride listens exclusively to HAIM. Better watch your back if you’re all alone, he said.

Marianas Trench “Astoria” (2015)

“Astoria” is Marianas Trench’s fourth studio album and was released via Canada’s 604 Records and Cherrytree Records and Interscope Records internationally, so it counts here; suck it.
Also, HUGE, and we mean HUGE in the Great White North and in the hearts of all Carly Rae Jepsen superfans that know that a member of The Academy Is…/Say Anything was in her rock and roll band, Vancouver, Canada’s Marianas Trench ditched an apostrophe in favor of catchy catchiness, and has released five full-length studio albums since their formation last century. Each record is different sonically but similar in that the vocalist/rhythm guitarist Josh Ramsay has few peers on the mic and slightly more on the guitar, piano, and, wait for it, flugelhorn. If ambition is a poopy word for you, and we sadly know that it is, then skip the epic “Astoria, and move onto another section below!

Orianthi “Believe” (2009)

Another loophole: Geffen Records was founded in 1980 by David “I AM RICH” Geffen. Originally a part of the now-defunct Geffen Pictures, it is owned by the INTERSCOPE Geffen A&M faction of Universal Music Group, making Orianthi’s “Believe” a winning candidate for inclusion; Geffen has been a part of Interscope since 1999. Sound the alarm if you’re suffocating/suffocated! Also, shred with Brian Chiusano fan club president Orianthi Panagaris, but don’t be a dick about i! Sadly Interscope failed before it started with “Believe,” and we don’t know which team member was to blame, as Ori was marketed as a Britney can outplay Slash, but had they leaned more into her rock roots/less into her beautiful aesthetic roots, she would have “won,” at least according to us. Orianthi’s solo career may not have raised her to Carrie Underwood heights, but she played WITH her! What does “untogether” mean?

The Reverend Horton Heat “It’s Martini Time” (1996)

Your creepy uncle’s second favorite band next to The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, for obvious reasons, The Reverend Horton Heat is not only the stage name of cult leader James C. Heath, but is also the nomer, not misnomer, for his trio, making it the coolest/narcissistic band name of all time! Starting their full-length studio album career on cred labels of all cred labels, Sub Pop, Interscope snatched the band after its follow-up, and forever will also be referred as MARTINI TIME, of which the album listed here, which was their first initial release via Interscope Records, “It’s Martini TIme”! If you listen to this LP, you can literally smell olives, and if you don’t believe us, you’re lying. Spend a night in the box, plan a scatman revival, and laugh/cry with each and every miscreant who purchased this CD in a bargain bin.

t.A.T.u. “200 km/h in the Wrong Lane” (2002)

Skeptical of this inclusion that officially got everyone of all time canceled? Listen to track one of “200 km/h in the Wrong Lane,” a haunting and beautiful song called, “A Simple Motion,” and try to act like a hardass that is too good for good music. We’re not going to touch this one with any real specifics/data/further proper musical analysis, even though we kind of are, but aren’t; do your jobs, fans and friends on the ‘net because it will help you learn things. Anyway, t.A.T.u. formed in the cold cold cold country known as Russia in 1999, and NEVER COULD HAVE DONE SUCH IN 2024; NEVER. Stop yelling? Ok. All the things they said were marred with controversy AND, you guessed it, catchiness, but “problematic” in the English dictionary is literally synonymous with “taxing,” “tricky,” and the final “T” is utilized for “troublesome.”

TRUSTCompany “The Lonely Position of Neutral” (2002)

Another one from David “WE MENTIONED THAT HE IS RICH EARLIER, BUT THAT IS QUITE AN UNDERSTATEMENT” Geffen! Math: “Downfall” > most nu metal/alternative songs in the early-to-mid-aughts. TRUSTCompany survived the advent of caps lock and being from Mont-freaking-gomery, Alabama to sell units in excess of GOLD, just not platinum, so they lose at life. We don’t make the rules. You may not think that such stat is enough to keep them here, go deeper into you, drop to zero, and/or disqualify them from being verbally shouted out, but try finding one person, including the band’s relatives and closest confidants, that would recognize a TC band member on the street.

Wax “13 Unlucky Numbers” (1995)

Let’s close this out with something that you either put in your hair or on your surfboard: Wax. Gotta find a reason to settle down whilst ignoring you in spite of us, and KNOT look passed, uh, pest indiscretions. Wax’s lone Interscope Records release “13 Unlucky Numbers” is a solid and enjoyable mid-90s alternative/punk/rock/whatever buzzword you want to utilize and it is SHORT as hell, clocking at under twenty-four, yes, 24 minutes. Who is next? Well, alphabetically on our collective Apple Music accounts it is Waxwing, and we don’t think that you’ve ever heard of said band unless you have but you haven’t; look at us now. Spike Jonas, director of Weezer’s Windows 95 “Buddy Holly” video and so much more, endorsed Wax with a literal and figurative fiery set of two music videos from their Interscope LP. Thank you kindly, Joe Sib.

Opinion: It Might Be the Gas Station Boner Pills Talking, but I Think I’m Experiencing Mass Organ Failure

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Damn girl, this night has been magical. Looking at you now has me breaking out into a cold sweat. Like a concerning amount of sweat. But I’ll tell you the truth, while you were in the bathroom earlier I took a little “enhancement” to spice things up. Red Bulls weren’t the only thing I picked up at the Shell station.

Now listen, I hope you don’t find this to be crass or too forward when I tell you that it might be these gas station boner pills talking, but baby, I think my internal organs are shutting down.

I know I’m supposed to call a doctor for an erection lasting longer than four hours, but what’s the protocol on your intestines trying to eject themselves out of your butthole? Seriously though, don’t let my impending anal prolapse prevent us from making sweet, sweet love.

Wait, don’t go! I promise I’ll follow through on everything I said I’d do to you when we were texting. I just need a minute until it feels like my stomach isn’t trying to burst through my chest like in “Alien.”

Now I don’t want to ruin the mood but you also see the walls melting, right? No it’s fine, we can still do this! I’ll just hold out my hands and you can place your boobs into them. I don’t need eyesight for what we’re gonna do. Was your dress always made of snakes? I think now would be a good time for you to push me onto the bed because it also feels like my calves are shriveling up into dust.

I assumed the fact that I didn’t recognize a single ingredient or chemical on the packaging meant that it was filled with the good shit, like those cold medicines in Japan that actually make you feel better. I’m now realizing these were likely a mix of PCP and Clorox. When the hell did they switch up the boner pill recipe from good old-fashioned meth and ground-up rhinoceros horn?

The important thing is that, despite the fact I may need my stomach pumped in the next five minutes, that I have a raging boner. So I guess the pills did work! Provided I don’t ejaculate my spleen—yes, of course I’ll wear a condom—I’m writing a strongly worded letter to the folks at whatever sketchy Eastern European warehouse these things are made at.

Jake From State Farm Still Needs Billion More People to Bundle Home and Auto Before Dark Wizard Lifts Curse

Posted on by Kevin Burke

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – The popular spokesman Jake from State Farm revealed that he still needs a billion more people to bundle their home and auto insurance together before the dark wizard that trapped him in this inescapable nightmare lifts this horrifying curse, dark sources confirmed.

“Off the record, I’m terrified I’ll never be able to go back to my normal life, how it was before I became trapped in this seemingly endless, arcane hellscape,” said Jake while preparing to be Chuck Schumer’s plus-1 to a fundraising gala in Albany. “But on the record, there’s more ways than ever to bundle your home and auto with State Farm. Everyone here is treating me very well, I’m completely unharmed, and I’m definitely not just saying that because they watch me at all times. Plus, all they ask is that the customers give in to their demands, I mean, uh, savings! Please tell everyone you know about the savings before something happens to me – I’m begging you.”

Daria Callahan, a State Farm customer who doesn’t have a car to bundle with her home, even if she wanted to, was less empathetic about Jake’s woes.

“Do I feel bad for him? Oh yeah, it must be so hard getting paid to go to the NBA Finals and dap up LeBron from your courtside seats,” said Callahan, while getting rained on with no umbrella to form an insultingly obvious metaphor. “What a pain it must be to go horseback riding with the Hadid sisters while you pour champagne into each other’s mouths! That dark wizard can have his soul for all I care. Maybe Jake would be more relatable if he wasn’t such a flashy jerk all the time.”

Though State Farm has enjoyed substantial gains in monthly revenue since the curse went into effect, some at the company have serious concerns.

“I’m worried about him,” said top State Farm Executive Aaron Wilson on his luxury yacht. “The fact that he still remembers his former life at all tells me his memory hasn’t been fully wiped clean yet. We can’t risk a situation where he magically pops into someone’s house to help them with their coverage, only for him to start blabbing about how much he misses his mom’s cooking, or about how he has a note he needs to get to his girlfriend asking her to wait for him. The jingle is ‘like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,’ not ‘like a good neighbor, State Farm needs you to deliver a message to my soulmate from a past life before it’s too late.’”

When asked how long it will take for a billion more people to bundle home and auto, Wilson confessed that “it’ll be a long, long time before anyone ever calls him ‘Kevin Miles’ again.”