KANSAS CITY, Mo. – The popular spokesman Jake from State Farm revealed that he still needs a billion more people to bundle their home and auto insurance together before the dark wizard that trapped him in this inescapable nightmare lifts this horrifying curse, dark sources confirmed.
“Off the record, I’m terrified I’ll never be able to go back to my normal life, how it was before I became trapped in this seemingly endless, arcane hellscape,” said Jake while preparing to be Chuck Schumer’s plus-1 to a fundraising gala in Albany. “But on the record, there’s more ways than ever to bundle your home and auto with State Farm. Everyone here is treating me very well, I’m completely unharmed, and I’m definitely not just saying that because they watch me at all times. Plus, all they ask is that the customers give in to their demands, I mean, uh, savings! Please tell everyone you know about the savings before something happens to me – I’m begging you.”
Daria Callahan, a State Farm customer who doesn’t have a car to bundle with her home, even if she wanted to, was less empathetic about Jake’s woes.
“Do I feel bad for him? Oh yeah, it must be so hard getting paid to go to the NBA Finals and dap up LeBron from your courtside seats,” said Callahan, while getting rained on with no umbrella to form an insultingly obvious metaphor. “What a pain it must be to go horseback riding with the Hadid sisters while you pour champagne into each other’s mouths! That dark wizard can have his soul for all I care. Maybe Jake would be more relatable if he wasn’t such a flashy jerk all the time.”
Though State Farm has enjoyed substantial gains in monthly revenue since the curse went into effect, some at the company have serious concerns.
“I’m worried about him,” said top State Farm Executive Aaron Wilson on his luxury yacht. “The fact that he still remembers his former life at all tells me his memory hasn’t been fully wiped clean yet. We can’t risk a situation where he magically pops into someone’s house to help them with their coverage, only for him to start blabbing about how much he misses his mom’s cooking, or about how he has a note he needs to get to his girlfriend asking her to wait for him. The jingle is ‘like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,’ not ‘like a good neighbor, State Farm needs you to deliver a message to my soulmate from a past life before it’s too late.’”
When asked how long it will take for a billion more people to bundle home and auto, Wilson confessed that “it’ll be a long, long time before anyone ever calls him ‘Kevin Miles’ again.”