CHICAGO — Local metalhead and avid drinker Stephen Mullins realized he needs to donate increasingly larger amounts of blood and plasma just to achieve the lightheaded euphoria he once enjoyed, employees at the Cook County Red Cross have reported.
“It used to be so simple. I would donate a pint of blood and they’d give me $15, which was more than enough because I only needed like one beer to get tipsy,” sighed Mullins while donating for the second time that day. “I’d get that nice floaty feeling. But now my tolerance has shot through the roof. I’m practically bleeding myself dry in some fucked up psuedo-Satantic ritual just to feel anything. Not only that, the cost of beer is through the roof and blood banks just don’t pay like they used to.”
Mullins’ economical method for achieving a buzz has left many of his fellow metalheads concerned.
“Stephen feels like he found a workaround to getting wasted but even though we all tend to look pale and strung out, Steve looks like a corpse, and not in a fun way. He only wears long sleeve band shirts to hide all the marks on his arm from all the donations,” Claudia Elliott, guitarist for the Chicagoland mental outfit Eternal Carnage said after picking Mullins up at the blood bank where he was too weak to walk. “We keep telling him he can just drink more beer–we will even buy it for him, but he refuses.”
Experts, meanwhile, are weighing in on the peculiar trend with a mix of curiosity and concern.
“While donating blood is generally a noble act, doing so to achieve a state of intoxicated euphoria is highly unorthodox and potentially dangerous, especially when mixed with alcohol,” hematologist Emily Greene explained. “The human body can only handle so much blood loss before serious health issues arise. Mr. Mullins’ case highlights the need for safer, healthier ways to seek thrills within the metal community, like freaking out your mom with scary makeup like you used to.”
As of press time, Mullins was found Googling if those vampire goth night clubs in movies like Blade actually exist and how to get invited.
One of the good ones. America Cares Bear, you’re the best of a bad lot and we salute you. Stand down, and stand by.
You would be grumpy too if you lived in a land of WOKES who shoot rainbows out of their stomachs!
Do Your Best Bear wants everyone to reach their full potential. He’s basically the Joe Rogan of the Care Bear world and I can respect that, but what’s up with the kite logo? Do kids really need to be encouraged to be the best kite flyers they can be?
At least one of these coddled little furbabies isn’t afraid of a goddamn baseball, unlike the rest of the Care Bears and my sissy nephew! Men used to go to war in this country, but now you beam one little brat in the eye with a fastball completely by accident and everyone wants to know how many beers you had.
I kinda like this guy. He’s got a 4 leaf clover on his stomach so he’s probably a Celtics fan, and he’s one of the few Care Bears we can assume isn’t circumcised.
He’s the leader of the Care Cousins, a splinter cell of the Care Bears, sort of like their ISIS. At least he’s an alpha. An apex predator, much like myself.
At least one of these things is encouraging kids to actually go outside and PLAY instead of just staying on their phones canceling Kevin Spacey all day!
He’s the brains of the bunch, capable of boosting the intelligence of his cuddly dimwitted brethren whenever needed. He’s a walking neutropic, but I’m not buying it until further lab data comes in or Joe Rogan tells me to.
This guy is always celebrating birthdays because it’s always someone’s birthday somewhere. Is that not the most pathetic “everyone gets a trophy” nonsense you’ve ever heard in your life?
They call this one the Joker of the Care Bear family but not once does he refer to himself as an agent of chaos. Also, men used to go to WAR!
If this bear was really so smart she would know that facts don’t care about your feelings. Do your own research Smart Heart Bear, don’t just listen to someone because they are so-called “experts.”
Daydream is “far out,” if you catch my meaning. Just looked at the glazed eyes, the dopey expression, the tie-dye hearts on her stomach. She’s basically a fuzzier Cheech and Chong. I don’t want pot anywhere near my kids until they’re old enough to buy CBD gummies from the cigar shop in the strip mall my biker friends launder money through.
As Pandas, they represent the philosophies of the East that so often lure college students and pot smokers away from the light of Christ. Note the smiling pentagram on Perfect’s stomach, definitely Satan-coded. They always speak in rhyme, a practice known to cultivate orgone energy and imbue them with dark powers.
Any dog with a bite force under 300 PSI is a cat.
Note that there is no “Gramps” bear, proof positive that Care Bear society is a matriarchal communist hellscape.
Teaching our children gratefulness undermines their drive to compete. Next thing you know they’ll be apologizing for things. It’s all part of the liberal conspiracy to raise an entire generation too weak to fend off the temptations of Satan.
Yup, you cancel Louis CK and Chapelle and this is what you get. Laugh-a-lot bear is not funny. She’s too woke and nervous to take big swings and be offensive, which I happen to believe is a true comedian’s job, sorry if that offends you! I bet this chick wouldn’t last one minute at the Comedy Cellar table. Pretty sure they don’t allow women anyway.
Maybe she should lose those heart lollipops on her stomach and replace them with a photo of Che Guevara because this bear is a goddamn COMMIE!
Another smiling pentagram on the stomach, this time connected to a heart by a rainbow. Translation—Satanic bears want to turn your children gay.
Yes, he’s built like a tank, but you can easily see him coming. He’s the guy that looks like a giant piece of wood. If you stay on the opposite side of the pit as him he’s going to be a non-factor. And if he gets pissed off what does he do? He surrounds himself with some leaves and then drops a bunch of foliage from the ceiling. Big deal, a falling leave has never hurt anyone. You’ve been to This is Hardcore for the past 12 years, you have seen far worse.
Another absolute unit, but there isn’t much to worry about here unless you are an aging hardcore kid who’s wearing a toupee for some reason. All this dude does is act as a giant fan, if anything, this guy is a welcome relief. Like when a security guard splashes water on people between songs. Air Man is most useful just standing next to the drummer to make sure that guy stays cool, it’s hot back there and they are working hard.
It’s unclear if this guy can even operate without being submerged in water. But let’s say Bubble Man shows up to the show and decides to be a pit boss. The only thing he’s going to be able to do is get the floor a little damp. So things might get a little slippery, but this isn’t your first rodeo. If you get too close to Bubble Man he might be able to make it look like you peed your pants, but nobody is even going to notice. He’s wasting his time.
We still aren’t really sure what Flash Man even does, he stops time for a few seconds? So what? But that makes him kind of a wildcard. He might just stand in the corner all night with his arms crossed, or he might stage dive feet first and dropkick you in the back. It’s tough to say, or maybe he will stop time for 3 entire seconds so he can cut you in line at the merch table.
The venue is already hot enough. It’s nearly summer, the place hasn’t had air conditioning since the first Clinton administration, and all the windows are painted shut. It’s sweltering, so you are going to want to stay as far away from Heat Man as possible. If you piss him off he’s going to set himself on fire, and then he can shoot himself like a fireball across the pit. Stay on his good side, maybe talk with him outside the venue and get him to light your cigarette, but avoid him in the pit if you can. Your new camo pants are a polyester blend that will melt to your skin.
Crash Man is the first dude in the pit and the last guy out. He goes off for the band the entire time because his cardio is insane, and he has drills instead of hands. If you do see him taking a break alongside the pit do not go near him, he will stick his arm out and drill straight through your spine and then be like “Woah, he hit me first. I was just trying to keep him off of me” as you bleed out on the floor.
This guy is fast as hell, and he throws multiple boomerangs for some reason. If you see him walk into a show then just find a place by the wall where you can keep a good eye on him. He’s going to start a circle pit during every song. It doesn’t matter if the band is a thrash band or a stoner sludge band. There will be a circle pit, he will run laps around you, and he will chop your legs off at the knees with his stupid boomerangs.
Much like Quick Man, Metal Man is fast as hell and loves to throw shit. But this guy doesn’t have silly little boomerangs. He’s got metal blades like you would see in a table saw and he has a lot of them. The guy loves to throw them too. Rumor has it that Metal Man is so violent he was asked to leave a Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza show in 1998 because he was “Too dangerous.” If you see Metal Man at a show, get back in your car, go home, forget you listen to hardcore music.