NEW YORK – A juror involved in former President Trump’s ongoing hush money trial discovered a box of Trump Steaks and a Degree from Trump University and is unclear whether the items are meant to be a bribe or a threat, anonymous sources confirmed.
“It was about 3 a.m. when I heard a knock on my door. I went to see what the noise was and found a cardboard box and an official-looking envelope with my name on it in the hallway. The bottom of the box was absolutely soaked and the smell was something I’ll never forget,” said the juror. “When I opened it I found a box of assorted expired meat and a photo of Trump that said ‘Congratulations on the beef.’ The envelope was equally disturbing, it was an official degree with my name on it from Trump University saying I majored in ‘Dealmaking.’ I wasn’t able to get back to sleep, I’ve been terrified that they might deliver another Trump branded product to my room.”
Court officials say they have done everything they can to keep the jurors safe from threats and any forms of influence, but will now have to increase security.
“We’ve kept the juror hotel a secret from the public so someone on the inside must have made this delivery. We will get to the bottom of this, our first order of business is to interview every member of the staff from Long Island to see if they had any involvement because it’s without a doubt one of them,” said security liaison Ernie D’Amato. “We are also going to leave some animal traps baited with Filet-O-Fish from a nearby McDonald’s in a few egresses throughout the building. We’ve had good luck with that in the past.”
The former president made it clear that he was not involved in any way with juror tampering.
“This is another attack from the radical left trying to make me the bad guy. But I’m sure it was like Christmas morning when that juror saw all that delicious meat, and you know there is a war on Christmas right? When I’m re-elected I’m going to make every day of the year Christ’s birthday, I will, he was a great man. He deserves more birthdays,” said Trump. “Any of the jurors that help to get me acquitted will be given high leadership roles in my next administration. You say I’m not guilty, then guess what, you can be my Secretary of State. Now that’s a deal.”
At press time, Juror number 11 was rushed to the hospital after accidentally coming in contact with the contents inside of a Trump branded cologne.