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Every Care Bear Ranked by What a Threat They Are to America’s Conservative Christian Values

As any red-blooded American patriot knows, the insidious woke mind virus has always targeted children the most, and we are finally fighting back. Thanks to calls for bans on grooming communist LGBTQ+ propaganda, books like “The Antiracist Baby,” “My Two Mommies,” and “Everybody Poops” are on their way out, Amen! The next phase is Hollywood. Patriots, we have our work cut out for us.

The road to de-woking children’s entertainment will be long. Sure, Kirk Cameron recently started a conservative children’s show, the crowd funding video for which plays like an early Trump-era NRA commercial, and that’s wonderful, but this thing goes deeper than we thought.

The Satanic left has been at this for decades, and while Conservative A-listers like Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio, and Kevin Sorbo are helping to turn the tide, there is a lot to dismantle. It’s not just “Captain Underpants” and “Bluey” we need to worry about, the woke anti-American agenda goes back further than that.

In our home we have banned all children’s shows produced since Obama took office, thinking they would be safe. You probably remember “The Care Bears” as harmless adorable children’s entertainment. You. Are. Wrong. These colorful anthropomorphic critters have all but radicalized my son into being a sensitive, compassionate, kind human being. In other words, a seven-year-old cuck-beta.

Know what you’re up against. Here is every Care Bear ranked by their threat level to this country’s traditional conservative value system.

39. America Cares Bear

One of the good ones. America Cares Bear, you’re the best of a bad lot and we salute you. Stand down, and stand by.

38. Grumpy Bear

You would be grumpy too if you lived in a land of WOKES who shoot rainbows out of their stomachs!

37. Do Your Best Bear

Do Your Best Bear wants everyone to reach their full potential. He’s basically the Joe Rogan of the Care Bear world and I can respect that, but what’s up with the kite logo? Do kids really need to be encouraged to be the best kite flyers they can be?

36. Champ Care Bear

At least one of these coddled little furbabies isn’t afraid of a goddamn baseball, unlike the rest of the Care Bears and my sissy nephew! Men used to go to war in this country, but now you beam one little brat in the eye with a fastball completely by accident and everyone wants to know how many beers you had.

35. Good Luck Bear

I kinda like this guy. He’s got a 4 leaf clover on his stomach so he’s probably a Celtics fan, and he’s one of the few Care Bears we can assume isn’t circumcised.

34. Brave Heart Lion

He’s the leader of the Care Cousins, a splinter cell of the Care Bears, sort of like their ISIS. At least he’s an alpha. An apex predator, much like myself.

33. Funshine Bear

At least one of these things is encouraging kids to actually go outside and PLAY instead of just staying on their phones canceling Kevin Spacey all day!

32. Bright Heart Raccoon

He’s the brains of the bunch, capable of boosting the intelligence of his cuddly dimwitted brethren whenever needed. He’s a walking neutropic, but I’m not buying it until further lab data comes in or Joe Rogan tells me to.

31. Birthday Bear

This guy is always celebrating birthdays because it’s always someone’s birthday somewhere. Is that not the most pathetic “everyone gets a trophy” nonsense you’ve ever heard in your life?

30. Playful Heart Monkey

They call this one the Joker of the Care Bear family but not once does he refer to himself as an agent of chaos. Also, men used to go to WAR!

29. Smart Heart Bear

If this bear was really so smart she would know that facts don’t care about your feelings. Do your own research Smart Heart Bear, don’t just listen to someone because they are so-called “experts.”

28. Daydream Bear

Daydream is “far out,” if you catch my meaning. Just looked at the glazed eyes, the dopey expression, the tie-dye hearts on her stomach. She’s basically a fuzzier Cheech and Chong. I don’t want pot anywhere near my kids until they’re old enough to buy CBD gummies from the cigar shop in the strip mall my biker friends launder money through.

27. Perfect Panda and Polite Panda

As Pandas, they represent the philosophies of the East that so often lure college students and pot smokers away from the light of Christ. Note the smiling pentagram on Perfect’s stomach, definitely Satan-coded. They always speak in rhyme, a practice known to cultivate orgone energy and imbue them with dark powers.

26. Loyal Heart Dog

Any dog with a bite force under 300 PSI is a cat.

25. Grams

Note that there is no “Gramps” bear, proof positive that Care Bear society is a matriarchal communist hellscape.

24. Thanks-a-lot Bear

Teaching our children gratefulness undermines their drive to compete. Next thing you know they’ll be apologizing for things. It’s all part of the liberal conspiracy to raise an entire generation too weak to fend off the temptations of Satan.

23. Laugh-a-lot Bear

Yup, you cancel Louis CK and Chapelle and this is what you get. Laugh-a-lot bear is not funny. She’s too woke and nervous to take big swings and be offensive, which I happen to believe is a true comedian’s job, sorry if that offends you! I bet this chick wouldn’t last one minute at the Comedy Cellar table. Pretty sure they don’t allow women anyway.

22. Share Bear

Maybe she should lose those heart lollipops on her stomach and replace them with a photo of Che Guevara because this bear is a goddamn COMMIE!

21. Best Friend Bear

Another smiling pentagram on the stomach, this time connected to a heart by a rainbow. Translation—Satanic bears want to turn your children gay.

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