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Opinion: It’s Just Easier To Let My Family Think I’m Gay

I’ve never felt like I fit in with the rest of my family. I’m a childless adult, I’m agnostic, I’m not a sports guy and I read the occasional book. According to the family rumor mill, all of that is because I’m gay. I’ve denied this rumor for years, but it wasn’t until my cousin’s son’s 4th-grade graduation party last month that I finally asked myself “Why the hell am I doing that exactly?”

I came out that day. Fuck it. It’s just easier this way. If you’re gay and wanna call me out on stolen valor I get it, but like, I kind of need this.

I’ve always said there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Now that I’m mature enough to actually believe that and not just say it, what’s wrong with presenting as gay at Thanksgiving? There are literally no drawbacks. I wasn’t going to try to fuck anyone there anyway, it’s Thanksgiving and we are all related by blood or marriage.

It’s like clarity keeps washing over me in waves. I guess in the back of my mind I thought the idea I might be gay made certain relatives uncomfortable. Fuck those relatives! I don’t even like them in the first place, why am I trying to be a more viable invite to their kid’s baptisms and shit? Let’s be real, any family function you are not invited to is a net gain when it comes to overall quality of life, especially if it takes place in a church!

I’m never going to be asked why I don’t want kids again. I still can’t even wrap my head around that. You can cite overpopulation, financial difficulty, or just plain wanting to live your own life till the cows come home and get nowhere but once you’re “gay,” they no longer even want you to have one. It’s fucked up, but pretty damned convenient for me.

As far as the less bigoted members of my clan go, it may just bring us closer together. No member of my family has ever quite known what to do with me, and if imagining me having sex with another man somehow makes me make sense to them, they can just have that. It’s way easier than me explaining who David Lynch is and why I’m wearing a t-shirt that says I’m “directed by” him.

It shouldn’t be too hard to maintain the lie. My family is mostly religious and conservative, I don’t think they’ll ask a ton of questions. I’m sure a drunk uncle or two will hit me with “Top or bottom?” but I’ll pick a lane beforehand and stick to it. I’ve got a gay buddy or two that would probably be cool being my reverse-beard if I need one, and push come to shove I guess I would be okay doing mouth stuff if I have to. Whatever keeps this situation going for me honestly.