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Divinyls Finally Confirm Their Cryptic Song “I Touch Myself” is About Masturbation

SYDNEY — Iconic Australian rock band Divinyls ended decades of speculation when they finally confirmed that their hit song “I Touch Myself” is an ode to self-love and bodily exploration, stunned sources report.

“We got together and decided now was the time to set the record straight,” declared Chrissy Amphlett, frontwoman and co-founder of Divinyls. “Contrary to popular belief, ‘I Touch Myself’ isn’t some metaphorical ballad about Bob Hawke and the Australian Labor Party, like some suggested. I’ve also seen people theorize that the song is an exploration of the themes in James Joyce’s classic novel ‘Finnegan’s Wake.” But no, it’s a straightforward celebration of self-pleasure. Masturbating, jerking off, flicking the bean. We kinda figured you got that.”

However, not everyone is thrilled with the band’s candid admission.

“This is just another example of the moral decay of society. I remember when rock music was about wholesome things like going to the beach, and holding hands,” conservative commentator and radio host Karen Smith said, expressing her disdain for the song’s newfound clarity. “There are children that will hear that song played by their parents while they are cleaning the house and now they will know that it is about nothing but sin and perversion. Promoting self-gratification in such a brazen manner only serves to corrupt the minds of our youth and undermine traditional values. The band should have simply never written it.”

Despite the controversy surrounding the song’s subject matter, music historians and cultural analysts are quick to highlight its significance within the broader context of pop culture.

“The world wasn’t ready to accept what ‘I Touch Myself’ was actually about when it was released, so they came up with alternate explanations,” Dr. David Johnson, a professor of musicology, explained. “Divinyls’ decision to tackle such a taboo topic in their music was groundbreaking at the time. ‘I Touch Myself’ challenged societal norms and sparked important conversations about sexuality and self-expression. For those that were able to read between the lines, that is. I can’t tell you the amount of times I masturbated to that music video.”

As of press time, conservative outlets across the world urged their followers to disavow ‘I Touch Myself’ and instead listen to more family friendly songs like Cyndi Lauper’s ‘She Bop.’