Trump Demands Death Penalty for Anyone Who Would Go Back in Time and Kill Baby Hitler

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump has expanded his claims of sedition and calls for the death penalty to include any American who, if given the implausible opportunity, would travel back in time to kill Hitler as a baby, in a Truth Social post early this morning. 

“The radical commie left is OUT OF CONTROL! ENEMIES FROM WITHIN! Not only do we have Congress urging the military to DISOBEY MY ORDERS just because they HAPPEN to be illegal (which is ILLEGAL!), but it has come to our attention that U.S. ‘citizens’ are plotting to violate the LAWS OF NATURE to traverse time and MURDER AN INNOCENT BABY! This is SICK! This is SEDITIOUS! I am calling for the IMMEDIATE EXECUTION of ANY registered democrat caught in possession of a flux capacitor, TARDIS, or that Hot Tub from that other time travel movie! What was it called? Lots of women in that movie, great cans, many of them on the younger side as well. WE WILL PROTECT HISTORY and MAKE AMERICA GREAT!” 

While legal experts on both sides of the political spectrum largely question the legality of executing American citizens based on their answer to a philosophical musing, Pam Bondi assured reporters that the President is well within his rights to do so. 

“The office of the Presidency is a part of the historical fabric, and as sitting President, Donald Trump is its chief guardian,” Bondi said to a room of notably exasperated reporters. “Mr. Trump is merely curbing the dangerous rhetoric of leftists who want to murder a baby in 1889 simply because they disagree with it. This familiar attitude of violence from the left is deplorable. Rest assured, if American time travel is used to interact with the Nazis, it will be used in peace and cooperation.” 

Despite growing criticism, Trump held his ground on the controversial stance and went on to post numerous proposals for how time travel should be used.  

“We should be friends with Nazi Germany! Look at what they accomplished! They would make incredible allies! We’re going to make a really great time deal with the Nazis, a big, beautiful deal. We give them some of our modern technology, they build some statues of me across the globe, everyone wins! Make America greater before!”   

Joe Rogan has weighed in on the situation, calling anyone who would kill Hitler as a baby “cowards” and claiming that he will be using time travel to go to 1945 and “Fight Hitler as a man!”

Opinion: I’m Sorry, Your Honor, but I Can Only Say “Yes” by Vocalizing the Riff From Collective Soul’s “Shine” and Then Singing “Yeah”

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. My name is Terrence Holloway. I understand the charge.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. I have fixed the broken taillight and have documentation proving the issue has been corrected.

I’m sorry, Your Honor — I should have explained this right away. You see, Your Honor, I was eight years old in 1994. D2: The Mighty Ducks had just opened in theaters that March. It was the sequel to the 1992 film The Mighty Ducks and picked up (sort of) where the original left off. The film opens with hotshot Minneapolis lawyer turned devoted hockey coach/mentor/father figure Gordon Bombay, played by a smoldering Emilio Estevez, in the minor leagues…

What? Oh. Sorry, Your Honor. I’ll skip the synopsis. If you haven’t seen the films, you really should.

Anyway, after seeing the movie in theaters, I begged my parents to let me play hockey. They were hesitant at first, but eventually relented. At my very first practice — before I could even put on my helmet — I slipped on the ice, hit the back of my head, and went out cold. When I opened my eyes, my entire team was looming above me. Echoing through the Brewster Ice Arena, surrounding me on all sides, was Collective Soul’s “Shine.” It had just been released and was climbing the charts, on its way to peaking at number 11 on the Billboard Hot 100. Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, it was a huge hit for those guys. 

The doctors told my parents I’d suffered a focal traumatic brain injury to the left inferior frontal gyrus and a partial disruption of the basal ganglia-thalamocortical loop. They said injuries like mine can cause the brain to “latch onto” the most salient auditory memory at the time as a compensatory neural pathway. In layman’s terms: sometimes I say “yes” by doing the riff from “Shine” and then singing the “Yeah” part.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, it doesn’t happen all the time. Mostly, it comes out when I’m anxious or in the presence of a traditional figure of authority, which is why it just happened now.

Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, Your Honor. I continued to play hockey through college despite my injury. My nickname was “Nah Nun” after the part in the riff where they go “nah nun.” Dun nuh nuh nah nuh nuh nah nun nun nah nun nah yeah, your Honor, probably not the best call. 

Florida Child Bullied for Being Only One in Class Without Whooping Cough

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Fourth grader Stevie McLaughlin became the class loser for being the only student without a nasty case of whooping cough, confirmed sources who just needed a minute to catch their breath.

“I tried fake coughing but they saw right through me. Then I tried sitting real close to other infected students since it’s highly contagious, but my stupid immune system is working perfectly against preventable diseases. So annoying,” McLaughlin stated. “Its not fair that my parents had me vaccinated. I never consented to that. Now everyone calls me health boy. I have to play alone during recess. Not because I’m unpopular but because no other student has the ability to run around. Why? Why did my parents have to get me inoculated? What I wouldn’t do to have the mumps or hepatitis A right now. Hell, I’d even settle for some meningitis. It’s the only way I can fit in.”

Fellow classmates are mocking McLaughlin relentlessly, with his locker being desecrated with pictures of Fauci.

“Its *coughing* so embarrassing,” remarked Daenerys Weinberg, a child born during “Game of Thrones” seasons who has a lot of friends. “Only a loser *coughs* would fail to hack up phlegm like the rest of us. Nobody wants to sit with him because he smells like vaccines and never has a runny nose or anything. What a dork. He is so not invited to my birthday party. He’ll *coughs* just kill the vibe with his steady breathing.”

The school counselor, Evelyn Scharpling, was understanding of the issue.

“When will parents learn that their actions have consequences?” Ms. Scharpling explained. “Maybe next time you vaccinate your kids, think about their popularity and the cultural trends. Last fall it was even harder because all the popular kids visually had fashionable measles. They would flash them like a badge of honor. We try to explain to the unpopular children that being cool isn’t everything but let’s face it, it’s the truth.”

In other news, third grader Gerald Simmons became the most popular kid in school for being the first one in his district to get polio.

Denver Man Still Hides Weed in “Lord of the Rings” DVD Case for Nostalgia’s Sake

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Despite living in a fully legal state, having no roommates, and being gifted a climate-controlled humidor for his cannabis, 36-year-old Denver resident Evan Crandall still insists on hiding his weed in the same “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” DVD case he did in high school as a reminder of days gone by, annoyed friends report.

“Look, I know it’s legal and I know an RA isn’t going to search my room like I’m in college,” Crandall said, popping open the plastic case with the reverence of a priest opening their bible. “But there’s just something sacred about hiding your weed like it’s contraband. It makes the whole experience feel risky, which makes the high better, I swear. Like you’re 17 again and your mom might walk in, even though my mom is now texting me the weed coupons she uses.”

Friends say Crandall’s habit isn’t charming so much as inefficient.

“Every time we want to smoke, we have to wait while he rummages through a tote of old movies,” said longtime friend Sharon McHale, who has smoked with Crandall since he bought the DVD in 2003. “Then he pulls it out like it hides the One Ring, but the weed is always dried out, crushed to dust, and tastes like plastic. I’m like, just use a jar, man. But no. He insists. It doesn’t even make sense why he only has the middle movie of a trilogy, and then also has the Extended Edition Blu-Ray box set right next to it.”

Experts have studied this type of paranoid nostalgia since marijuana started being legalized in recent years.

“We see this kind of behavior a lot. When something that was once taboo becomes normalized, some people crave the performative thrill of doing something wrong,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at CU Boulder. “It’s nostalgia mixed with identity reinforcement. It’s less about getting high and more about feeling of youthful rebellion, like hiding Playboys under your mattress or putting Slayer CDs in Creed jewel cases.”

At press time, Crandall had reportedly texted his old dealer to purchase a bag of ditch-weed because, “it just hits different when it’s skunky and mostly seeds and stems.”

Life Hack: Apparently, You Can Throw Underwear Away if It Gets Too Old

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I hear people talk a lot these days about “wellness.” On TikTok, it’s almost impossible not to hear chatter about: “Oh, this is my secret tip for wellness.” “This is my life hack for great skin.” I never bought into any of it. Until recently, when I stumbled onto a life hack of my very own: Did you folks know that you can throw away your underwear if it gets too old?

I know it sounds crazy, but hang with me for just a minute. We all hate the sensation of old underpants. The fabric wears thin, the scent of crotch sweat gets baked into them, holes and tears appear everywhere, and the bottom starts to look like the landing strip at Mudman Airport. It used to bother me when my (now ex) girlfriend would send over articles on “the proper way to wipe,” but now I don’t worry so much about whether my undies are fresh or not. If they get too skidded up, I can just throw them away.

It’s such a simple solution, you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it before. When your underwear starts to become so rank you start to feel embarrassed just by wearing it, you can simply throw that sucker in the garbage, run out, and buy new underwear. I’d always just done the second part, going through cycles of new underwear until they too became foul. Then, when I didn’t have any clean ones left, I’d know it was time to finally do laundry.

Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t stumble onto this earlier. I think I really blame my mom. She used to do all my laundry and buy me new underwear. I don’t feel she adequately prepped me for the realities of underwear ownership. Sure, sometimes she must’ve thrown them away, but… how was I to know? How was I to be prepared? The underwear always came back fresh and new and clean and dry. I figured it would be that way forever.

And it’s not just underwear, by the way. You can do this for all your clothes. You can throw away shirts where the sweat from your armpits has started to leave permanent stains. You can toss out pants where you’ve had rolling blowouts in the crotch. You can even get rid of old socks that are filthy and full of holes.

No more blood blisters on my feet for this big boy. Now I’ve got a life hack.

Record Store Owners’ Union to Vote on Whether Ghost Albums Belong in Metal Section

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the Record Store Owners’ Union are divided on an upcoming vote to decide whether or not to display Ghost albums in the metal section of stores nationwide, sources confused by the lack of screaming report.

“At least twice a week, know-it-alls in battle jackets come in accusing record store owners including myself of being posers simply because we display Ghost records in our metal sections,” Vortex Records owner Mary McLaughlin said after kicking one such customer out of her shop for harassing employees. “A union-wide policy across all record stores will help prevent these disagreements and keep my employees safe from customers who have violently strong opinions. It’ll be good to set a precedent for other debatably metal bands that sneak into the Grammys like Tool and Jethro Tull.”

Former customer Trent Guzman, now banned from Vortex for moving Sleep Token albums into the pop section while employees weren’t looking, doubts the vote will stop customers from deciding classifications for themselves.

“You don’t have to work in a record store to decide what belongs where. I mean, why else did I find Carly Rae Jepsen’s masterpiece ‘EMOTION’ in the metal section?” Guzman said while changing his shirt to sneak back into the shop. “I’m clearly not the only one who thinks record stores need to rethink their classification systems. I mean, if this dump votes to keep Ghost with the heavy stuff, we might as well keep my girl Carly Rae in there too.”

A nameless Ghoul also caught wind of the vote and released a statement endorsing Ghost’s place in metal sections nationwide.

“Children of the world come to the record store to discover all kinds of glorious tunes, including metal, but it can be difficult to jump straight into the pool when baptizing yourself into the world of devil music,” the Ghoul said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Tobias Forge’s. “Ghost is proud to be that gateway for thousands of young people worldwide, dozens of whom might eventually check out scarier bands with T-shirt designs that will get them into trouble at the airport.”

At press time, the Record Store Owners’ Union had yet to vote on Ghost’s genre classification, but nevertheless agreed to move all Jethro Tull albums into the nearest dumpster.

Opinion: You Might as Well Get Used to AI, Because if You Don’t, I’m Ruined

Posted on by Dan Rice

These days, the parts of the internet that are still predominantly human are abuzz with anti-AI sentiment. You’ve all heard the arguments. AI is disastrous to the environment. It contributes to misinformation on an unprecedented scale, cheapens the human experience, and makes people dumber and useless. It’s taking away jobs, does not benefit the common person in any way, and never really works the way it’s supposed to in the first place, on top of being massively unethical. Well, some of that may be true, and in fact all of it definitely is, but I’ve got some sad news for you luddites — AI is here to stay and you may as well embrace it, because if you don’t, billionaires like me with their vast fortunes tied up in AI startups will fucking lose everything.  

Let me contextualize this for you: What we are offering is the ability to make any cartoon character fart and say bad things, and all we’re asking in return is the surrender of your career, dignity, and sense of worth in those most human of endeavors, such as art. Sounds like a big ole win to me, a guy whose wealth and power are now fully dependent on you willingly doing that! 

Just look at all the headlines detailing AI’s inevitable rise, all the think pieces saying “like it or not, AI is here to stay” — I pay a LOT of money to get those headlines out there, and if you don’t accept them as marching orders, you are basically stealing from me! That’s the way I see it, and if you had my financial ties to the industry, name, and moral flexibility, you would see it that way too! 

I offer a critical warning to all of you AI naysayers: If you don’t start learning to use this technology in your day-to-day life now, you could wake up one day to find yourself in a world where I have no money at all. I think we can all agree this is pretty unthinkable. I’ve been rich for a really long time, and it’s literally impossible for me to imagine things being any other way, so no, you can’t get a human on the phone when UPS accidentally sends your new computer to Canada, just use the automated chatbot options, get frustrated, give up, and buy another one! 

At the end of the day, which would you rather have: A world where people remember how to construct their own sentences, or a world where you can watch videos of Velma Dinkly and Pennywise The Clown having sex that you could swear are real, save for the fact that the whole thing looks like it’s filtered in piss for some reason? From where I’m sitting, the answer is clear. 

Look, New Jersey will always need gas pumpers, or whatever the hell they’re called. If your livelihood is threatened by AI and you can’t thrive in a technocracy gamed by billionaires, stop complaining about it, move to New Jersey, and get a job pumping gas! It’s simple! Hey, maybe Bruce Springsteen will write a song about you! And play it when I hire him for my birthday party! You see? AI is bringing ALL of us together! 

ChatGPT, take out all the parts about suicide and send this off to print. 

Punk Getting His Life Together By Switching to Gas Station Drugs

Posted on by Jamie Godin

ATLANTA, Ga. — Local punk Chester “Scuzz” Martin is reportedly getting his life together after abandoning street drugs in favor of a cocktail of legal-but-questionable supplements available exclusively at gas station counters, confirmed sources.

“I have a cousin in Raleigh who got sober after having kids and he snorts kratom like 20 times a day. I think he’s like an investment banker or something,” said Martin, while slamming back a lukewarm bottle of Mega Power Horny Goat Weed Energy Shot. “You can’t overdose on something that’s FDA-adjacent. The guy at Shell told me this stuff is made in a lab. That’s, like, science. Or medicine. One of those. People say I’m selling out, but self-improvement is punk as hell. Do you know how many lives were saved because I switched from street speed to a case of Speedee Maxx Rhino 8000? At least one. Mine. Probably.”

Not everyone is thrilled with Martin’s decision, which has taken a toll on the local drug economy.

“This has been brutal for my business,” said his former dealer Dane Malloy. “Scuzz was my best customer. He single-handedly paid for my trip to Myrtle Beach last summer. Now instead of passing out on my kitchen floor after shooting up in my apartment, he calls me at 3:00 a.m. to explain how Siberian ginseng was used by Russian cosmonauts to fight space depression. Meanwhile, he’s out here buying boner pills from a Chevron kiosk. As an upstanding citizen and business owner, I respect sobriety, but I don’t respect betrayal. I thought he would die before he left me to go to Hemp Lucid Vape Juice.”

Experts remain divided on whether Martin’s new lifestyle counts as progress.

“It’s certainly an improvement over mountains of cocaine, but let’s not pretend chugging ‘focus enhancers’ with Monster Energy drinks is a wellness plan,” said Tracy Lindon, a friend of Scuzz’s sister who happens to be a freshman psychology student. “When your morning routine involves snorting powdered yohimbe bark and chasing it with four caffeine capsules, you haven’t healed, you’ve just rebranded. At some point, your heart and kidneys are going to unionize and walk off the job. There are only so many Phrenze pills and 5-Hour Energy drinks your body can handle in a given week and that number is zero.”

At press time, Martin was spotted in the parking lot of a QuikTrip, shaking down a trucker for loose change to buy more “quantum brain booster chews.”

Wellness Check Called on Members of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard After Two-Month Gap with No New Album Released

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MELBOURNE, Australia — Concerned fans of psychedelic rock outfit King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, best known for their succinct name and frequent album releases, called the police to do a wellness check after the band went two whole months without a new record release, according to concerned sources.

“I just know something terrible must’ve happened to my beloved King Giz,” stated superfan Sam Mathes while having the band tattooed on his back since it was only spot that would fit their entire name. “Certainly they must’ve fallen victim to a Balrog or something. Or perhaps that rattlesnake they’re always singing about finally got to them. If they got bit, I’ll be the first on the scene to suck out the poison, I swear! Gosh, I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. I haven’t heard new Giz music in 60 days, seven hours, and 43 minutes, and I’m sweating profusely. I’ve got aches all over, and my hair is falling out. Lord of lightning, please save me!”

Officer Mario Presifillipo who was called to their recording studio found himself quickly in trouble while attempting to locate the band.

“As soon as I stepped into their studio I found myself trapped within the confines of what can only be described as some sort of nonagon infinity,” said Prestifillipo from inside the studio he was still stuck in. “The halls are an endless loop but no matter which way I went I only found myself deeper within the confines of the studio. Every ending was a new beginning. Even by retracing my steps it felt like I was going in the same direction as if I was stuck in some palindrome. Please help, I swear invisible faces are watching me.”

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard frontman Stu Mackenzie spoke out about what was really going on.

“There we were in the middle of a recording session when suddenly a laminated denim dragon popped out of some new dimension and started attacking the band, is that what you want to hear?” stated Mackenzie while doing some picking drills. “Jesus Christ, can’t we take a little time for ourselves to relax and I don’t know, spend time with our families? You people are parasites always trying to use us for every single ounce of creativity we had for all your crazy theories. I guess 27 albums is really not enough. I hate you all. But don’t worry, we have eight new albums scheduled to release next month.”

At press time, fans could be seen building a paper mache dream balloon to scour the Australian Outback in search of their bodies convinced the band was dead.

Useless Baby Didn’t Save Marriage

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BRANSON, Mo. — A couple who recently welcomed the birth of a beautiful baby boy were inconsolable after it became painfully obvious that its blessed existence failed to save their marriage, according to unsurprised sources.

“What a real kick in the dick!” stated 29-year-old Tyler Garrison as he hid in the garage until his wife went to bed. “We figured that the only way our shaky marriage could survive was by bringing a baby into this world, thus distracting us from our problems with a little bundle of joy. But turns out our baby didn’t do that and somehow just magnified the deep-seated issues between us, like the fact that we can’t stand each other. Don’t get us wrong, we do love the little tyke, but this baby had one job and it totally failed.”

A neighbor of the Garrison’s, Katie Broombach, wasn’t surprised that the couple’s new addition didn’t strengthen their bond.

“There’s only so much magic a baby can bring,” described Broombach. “As soon as they moved in I could tell they weren’t a good match. Every interaction with them was full of passive-aggressive digs at the other’s expense and just an overall feeling of mutual dislike. At first they tried to rope in pets into their loveless union, but after their third dog ran away, they figured they’d get something that couldn’t take off on them like a baby. They definitely shouldn’t be together, let alone procreating.”

Relationship expert Dr. Gilleon Rodriquez explained how societal pressure puts unrealistic expectations on people.

“Go to college, get married, have kids. Sounds great, right? Sure, maybe if you’ve got a stable job, housing, and don’t absolutely hate each other,” said Rodriquez. “But many times, those expectations are just not grounded in reality. Most of my clients are couples asking me why their baby is so much work and why it doesn’t bring joy to their lives like the posts on Instagram from their friends made them believe. I tell them all the same thing, to just keep working at it, and it will get better. What am I gonna do, lie to them? These out-of-touch couples are happy to keep paying for therapy, and are basically funding my retirement.”

At press time, the Garrison family announced they were expecting twins hoping that would fix everything this time.