Trump Vows Next Bombing of Elementary School Will Have “Most Up-To-Date Intelligence Imaginable”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In the aftermath of the U.S. bombing of an Iranian girls’ elementary school due to outdated military intelligence, President Donald Trump has pledged to do everything in his power to ensure that future school bombings are carried out using “state-of-the-art intel,” sources within the White House confirmed. 

“Mistakes like this are unimaginable. We didn’t even know how many kids we blew up until after they were all blown up!” lamented an uncharacteristically mournful Trump to reporters this morning. “I have met with all the top generals, and I can promise you that future elementary school bombings will be carried out using the most up-to-date intelligence imaginable! Going forward, we are going to be able to tell you exactly how many children are in the building, what they brought for lunch that day, and what they want to be when they grow up before the bomb even hits! We’re doing this with AI, we’re doing satellites, we’re pulling out all the stops here, folks. The next time one of you pinkos from the New York Times tries to tell us we bombed an elementary school, I can assure you we will fire back with a swift ‘We know.’”

A high-ranking Pentagon employee who chose to remain anonymous weighed in to confirm the military is taking Trump’s pledge seriously.  

“When recon confirmed we had struck an elementary school and not an Iranian military training facility, we were devastated. We would have sent a much smaller bomb had we known. You can achieve the same lethality with a much smaller explosive when military infrastructural obliteration isn’t a concern. Man, what a waste of good bomb.” 

“The president is sending a clear message that when it comes to the slaughter of children, he wants all his ducks in a row. As you’ll recall, children really damaged Trump after the whole Epstein thing, and they are now very high on his enemies list. As with all his enemies, he wants retribution, and he wants that retribution to be extremely calculated, with the most advanced intelligence our military can provide.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

U.S. Military Erroneously Bombs Iranian School Instead of Sending in Radicalized Gunman

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has officially admitted the U.S. military erroneously bombed a school during the assault on Iran, when it should have just sent in a lone, radicalized right-wing gunman to do the job, the Pentagon has confirmed.

“Yeah, this one’s on us. We relied a little too heavily on AI and drones to blow that school for girls’ sky high, and that’s not what America is about. What we should have done was send in a 22-year-old white guy who has been brainwashed and desensitized by years of MAGA coded content with an AR-15 and let him go to town,” said Hegseth. “Not only is it more in line with our warrior ethos, but the media also wouldn’t have given a shit, and we could’ve moved on with our campaign after a few bullshit ‘thoughts and prayers’ while achieving the same death toll. If only we had tapped into the limitless pipeline of violent young men eager to satiate their fragile masculinity by murdering women and children of color, it would’ve saved us the time of having to acknowledge any wrongdoing.”

“Going forward, we plan to send numerous squads of chronically online incels to infiltrate Tehran’s malls, schools, and music venues in hopes of killing as many civilians as possible, that way if they get killed we can at least tell everyone they were trans to take the heat off of us.”

As of press time, Hegseth has ordered all drone bombing to cease until the military can gather more accurate intel on which Iranian schools have the most lax security.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

The Five Most Preventable Diseases I Contracted at the Kid Rock Meet and Greet

Posted on by Steve Packosky

First off, shout out to my girl Denise for scoring two VIP tickets to Kid Rock at the Barry Expo Center. They were way out of our price range, but she managed to skim someone’s credit card info down at the Citgo and surprised me for my birthday. Love you, babe. I had a fucking killer time, and even got to pose for a photo with the Kid and get his autograph after the show! Not like it even matters, but here are the five most preventable diseases I contracted in the process.

  1. Measles

According to the doctor I saw when I went to the freestanding ER a few days after the show, I would’ve been entirely safe from catching this had I been properly vaccinated, but what the fuck does she know? Honestly, I just think she’s jealous that she didn’t get to tell Kid Rock how much she loved his performance of “Cowboy” to his face like I did. So I shit my brains out and was super tired for a week after the show. Big deal.

  1. Polio

OK, this one seems like it’ll be more of an issue. Still, putting up with severe muscle atrophy and having to pull my kid out of school for a month was well worth it for a chance to shake my hero’s hand while I still had the strength to do so. 

  1. Whooping Cough

Have you ever coughed so violently that you fractured a rib? I have, but I’ve also obtained a signed poster of my favourite singer holding a can of PBR with one hand and flipping the bird with the other, which more than cancels out the fact that I’ll have to sleep upright for the foreseeable future.

  1. Hepatitis A

This isn’t even the worst Hepatitis, from what I’ve been led to understand. My eyes just turned yellow, and I lost thirty pounds from the ceaseless vomiting and loss of appetite. That’s nothing compared to the life-ending catastrophes I imagine would’ve resulted from getting the jab.

  1. Tetanus

Truly, this one’s on me for cutting in front of that lady with the Staind shirt. That was a rude move, and I would’ve bitten me on the shoulder, too. I just thank Christ that I got to tell Kid Rock how much I love him before the lockjaw set in and I lost my ability to speak for a month. I’m just hoping all these symptoms clear up soon, because Denise and I are flush with cash after stripping a bunch of copper wire from an unattended construction site, and Ted Nugent just announced an upcoming tour.

What the Fuck? Friend Complaining About Not Having Any Friends

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

SEATTLE — Local barista and dull plebian Marcella Flores was recently alerted that her longtime friend of 20 years has been complaining about not having any friends, perturbed sources confirmed.

“We’ve known each other for years. I was at her high school and college graduation, her wedding, and I drove her to the hospital when she was in labor. And she let me stay at her place for five whole hours after my house burned down last year. I mean, she was even at my 5th birthday party and she only blew three of my five candles, so this really just blindsided me,” said a despondent Flores. “It came out of nowhere too. We were in the middle of our weekly lunch and she just started going on and on about how she has no real friends and how she’s desperate for any sense of human connection. And then she got a text and had to ditch without paying her bill.”

Esha Gershwin, the woman who Flores thought was her best friend, clarified her comments further.

“27 years on this Earth and I haven’t yet found a single person I like enough to call my friend. Like, what the fuck is wrong with everyone else? Sure, I might not be perfect, but neither is anyone else I know and that’s exactly why I’m not their friend,” said an oblivious Gershwin. “And for the record, I like Marcella. I like her the same way the general public likes Sum 41, it’s nice once in a while in private but I’d rather die than be publicly associated with them. And besides, it’s kinda off putting how Marcella is always down to hang out and help me out with random things, like get a fucking life and say no sometimes.” 

Social psychologists across the nation have been studying this paradoxical phenomenon for decades.

“It’s a tough spot to be in. On one hand, we should be sympathetic to people brave enough to speak about the loneliness they’re experiencing. But then on the other hand, what if that person is a dumb fucking moron whose acquaintance-to-friend threshold is entirely dependent on how many cassette tapes the other person owns,” said an exhausted Dr. Diana Toole. “It’s insane and incredibly narcissistic to use pity as a mechanism to foster friendships while simultaneously alienating the friends you already have. At that point, you’d have better luck making connections at a sociopaths anonymous group.” 

At press time, Gershwin was overheard complaining to her Hinge date about the lack of quality in the online dating scene.

42-Year-Old Man Can’t Masturbate Until He Finds His Readers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PELHAM, N.H. — Local husband and father of two Randy Carlisle regularly misplaces his reading glasses, inhibiting his ability to view pornography clearly, sources confirm.

“I waste a lot of precious time looking for my glasses while my wife and kids are out of the house,” said Carlisle. “I get very few opportunities to have alone time, so I’m pretty devastated when I can’t find my readers. Usually I wind up running out of time and just watching blurry blobs gyrating while listening to the audio. It’s not an ideal situation, but it gets the job done. I should probably order a dozen pairs of reading glasses on Amazon and keep them in strategic places because this seems to happen pretty often. Better throw in a few more bottles of Jergens to be covered on that front as well.”

Carlisle’s wife says she hides his glasses on purpose.

“I know what sick shit that pervert gets up to when I’m out. Apparently after decades of using the internet he still doesn’t know how to clear his browser history,” said Andrea Carlisle. “In the past few years he’s been too ‘tired’ or too busy playing PS5 to have sex with me, so I do my best to ruin his little goon sessions. Sometimes I’ll hide his glasses to fuck with him a little bit. I’ve got some other techniques I use to frustrate his efforts as well, such as adding a little sand to the bottle of Jergens he keeps in the bathroom closet. Lately I’ve been putting in a few drops of ghost pepper oil as well.”

Scientists at Neuralink have good news for pornography enthusiasts with poor vision.

“In a few years, people won’t even need eyes to consume porn,” explained researcher Ian Coxon. “With Neuralink’s brain-computer interface implant, the smut will bypass traditional input organs like eyes and ears and will be transmitted directly into the subject’s sensory cortex, enabling an unprecedented level of immersion. Our chimp test subjects have taken to it so enthusiastically that they’ll often forgo food and sleep to prolong their ‘gooning.’ Several have actually died of dehydration, which we could prevent in human users with an IV drip.”

At press time, Mr. Carlisle had driven himself to urgent care after inexplicable burns appeared on his sensitive areas after “moisturizing” with Jergens lotion.

Oh, You’re a Mountain Goats Fan? Name 325 Songs

Posted on by Brett Olsen

I’d like to play a game, and you probably know the drill by now. If you’re really a Mountain Goats fan, then you should have no problem naming 325 songs, right? No pressure, but every second you pause to think, John Darnielle is writing another three songs — tick, tock.

This goes without saying, but No Children doesn’t count — everybody knows that song, and the point of this exercise is to prove that you’re not like everyone else by rising above the unknown metrics of my rigid judgment. 

I’m not trying to be “that guy” whose gatekeeping comes across as misogynistic, so I want to assure you that this has nothing to do with your womanhood and everything to do with the prolific John Darnielle. His discography has guided me through my awkward, adolescent years to my insufferable, adult existence, which is now your problem. This Year also does not count.

Mountain Goats deserve a certain level of reverence, which was lacking when you were minding your own business in a Goths era t-shirt. Have you even listened to, then memorized, All Hail West Texas? This was meant to be a softball question, considering you are desperately trying to check out at Target.

“Ridiculous?” How do you figure? According to a quick Google search, they have between 500 and 700 songs. 325 seems like a layup given their vast catalog, which is now teetering around the 800 mark, according to this notification I just received. Surely a true fan could name forty percent of their accomplishments?

Considering you’ve got most of your groceries loaded without naming a single song or even making eye contact with me, we should probably just drop it. I didn’t mean to come off so passionate, and I doubt you meant anything by that shirt.

Quick shot in the dark, but is there any chance I could grab your phone number? No? Well, Up The Wolves doesn’t count either. 

Punk Goes Through Humiliating Process of DMing Promoter for Show’s Address

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

LOS ANGELES — Local wannabe scenester Jeremiah Buford is currently going through the soul crushing embarrassment of DMing a promoter for the address and details of a show, grimacing bystanders reported.

“Jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing. I’m a 34-year-old man with a corporate job, two kids, and $35,000 of student loan debt, why am I spending 30 minutes trying to perfectly craft a cheerful yet equally nonchalant message to figure out where the fuck this fuckass band is playing?” said a queasy Buford. “I feel sick to my stomach. What if the promoter takes one look at my Instagram profile and ghosts me? I’m deleting all my selfies from 2013 and dusting off my skateboard to post some reels of me skating so I look cool. Oh fuck, I don’t know if I should send this at 11:00 a.m.. Maybe I should wait until a cooler time like 11:03 a.m.”

The show’s promoter, Julien Costello, seemed irritated by the seemingly innocuous line of questioning.

“Yeah, bro. It’s honestly kind of pathetic how desperate some of these people are. Just because you’re a huge fan of this band, want to support the local scene, and have already paid $20 for a ticket doesn’t give you the right to know the address of the show. Like, get a fucking life idiot,” spat out Costello, ignoring their buzzing phone. “And honestly, it’s hard enough being a promoter. I’m responsible for spreading the word of the show. It’s not my job to make sure people know where the show is. Whatever, I’ll just set up an auto reply that’ll send out the address 20 minutes after the opener starts.” 

The band playing the show in question, Bear Back, also expressed concerns with this weird ritual taking place in their scene.

“What the fuck are we even doing? Whose idea was it to gatekeep our shows when at our last show, there were more people smoking weed in the bathroom than in the crowd?” said a distraught Evan Ester. “Why are we being hush hush with the details? They don’t even tell us, the fucking band playing, where we gotta unload! Like, tonight, we just drove around this industrial area until we saw some dude smoking a cigarette on a metal chair and assumed we were in the right place.”

At press time, Costello announced his latest show through a series of cryptic crosswords, puzzles, and mazes on his Instagram page.

Report: America’s Primary Source of Education Fun Facts on the Sides of U-Haul Trucks

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

SANTE FE, N.M. — A recent study revealed that America’s primary source of education has been reduced to fun facts on the sides of U-Haul trucks, sources report.

“Due to deep educational budget cuts across the nation, Americans have been forced to seek out educational material from non-traditional sources,” said Jane Lochner, the study’s head researcher. “At first, we hypothesized people would be watching YouTube videos to educate themselves, but it turns out most people who watch educational YouTube content on nature, physics, or space are incredibly high, and don’t really retain any of the information they ingest. We also discovered, to no surprise, that books are simply too long and boring for most Americans—which is where U-Haul trivia enters the equation. They’re short, digestible, entertaining, and according to our study, America’s greatest weapon in the battle against ignorance.”

The participants were eager to weigh in on the study. 

“My fun fact is that U-Haul nuggets fucking rip,” quipped Brandon Williams, a participant in the study. “I mostly liked the one that talked about all the poisonous snakes in the American Southwest. As a proud Bostonian, I didn’t even know the Southwest existed. I thought the map just kinda ended once you got to Pittsburgh, so learning there’s way more states, and snakes, was cool. For the last year, I’ve been writing all the factoids I see in a note pad. The drivers behind me hate it, but I don’t care. Because education is the bedrock of a functioning society, and my country needs me. Even if it means coming to an abrupt stop on the highway during rush hour. I just hope one day they’ll come out with a fun fact about getting visitation rights to your kids. That would be awesome.”  

U-Haul representatives are ecstatic about the study’s findings. 

“We couldn’t be more proud to play a vital role in the education of this great country,” said U-Haul Director of Community Outreach, Peter Snodgrass. “U-Haul is a pillar of the community, specifically the moving/education pillar, and we look forward to helping ambitious Americans learn more about the world they live in. Even as we speak, we’re partnering with the Teachers College of Columbia University to create a U-Haul fun fact curriculum. Manatees, atoms, carnivorous plants, it’s all in there. Because we don’t want Americans to think of us as just a moving company, but rather a fleet of mobile encyclopedias that also helps you move couches and stuff.” 

At press time, Snodgrass was offered a high-level position within the Department of Education. 

Lockheed Martin CEO Takes Bite of Drone 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

BETHESDA, Md. — Lockheed Martin CEO James Taiclet recently released an Instagram video of him taking a bite of a Vectis Combat Drone during his lunch hour, confirmed sources. 

“I love this product, we’re going to do a tasting here. I’m going to have this drone for lunch,” said Taiclet, seated at a Lockheed break room table with a Coke Zero and a giant drone in front of him. “We have tested this already on schools, hospitals, and weddings all over the world. And now for the most important test: the taste test. Sure, it could use a sesame bun, but at Lockheed, we’re not picky with our unmanned aerial vehicles.”

Warehouse Foreman George Maxwell said it wasn’t the first time he’s seen their CEO on the premises.

“He’s in here sometimes. Occasionally, I’ll see him taking a bite out of a new missile recipe. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him eat a drone though,” said Maxwell. “I don’t eat any of the drones myself. I don’t think any of the other guys do either. I usually have something leftover that my wife made for dinner. If I don’t have leftovers I usually have a sandwich or something. Never a drone though. Too many carbs.”

Lockheed Martin Communications Director Brittany Shamlock was on hand to oversee the video shoot. 

“It’s important to jump on these trends when they’re out there,” Shamrock began. “I’m fresh out of Vanderbilt where I studied mass communication and I know when the CEO can get out there, show their personality, and eat a weapon of mass death as a meal, it’s something you’ve got to do. Jim is so down to earth and grounded. He’s a father of daughters. It’s so fun to see him let his hair down! This is what the public doesn’t see every day. A man who gets up, drops his girls off at school, and then makes weapons to bomb schools just like that overseas. It’s special.” 

At press time, Taiclet made an appearance on “Hot Ones” where he tasted bombs with increasing levels of spice.

Success Story? Man Finally Makes Enough Money To Have His Health Insurance Taken Away

Posted on by Dom Turek

After countless years of shoveling shit, kissing corporate asses, and innumerable acts of self-betrayal, dejected data entry clerk Thomas Brock was beginning to think it was all in vain, but not so fast, Brock. As older, wiser data analysts before him have said, “don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.” 

It’s a good thing he heeded their advice, because two weeks after he’d secretly vowed to quit his job, move to a fishing port off the Florida coast, and spend more time with his wife and kids, his job gave him a pay increase so impressive that he and his family lost their health insurance. Welcome to the big leagues, buddy. You finally made it. 

Sure, the increase in salary comes with longer hours, which means there will be less time to spend with his rapidly aging dog, and almost no time for hobbies, but sacrifice comes just before greatness. If keeping up with the Joneses means switching your daughter’s prescription inhaler for a generic one that looks like a kazoo, then so be it. With your new pay raise, you’ll be able to afford an air purifier from Sharper Image that will make her forget she even has asthma.  

When wait times go down, and he gets a representative on the phone (which should happen any minute now), he and his family will be switched from the meager “Essential Plan” to the “Gold Plan.” Finally, a plan with some balls and insignia. Before you ask, yes, the premiums are astronomical, the benefits minimal, and the only in-network dentist is technically a veterinarian, but the new plan has the word “Gold” in it, and isn’t that what matters most?

This is just the beginning for Brock and his family. If he stays with this company five more years, he’ll get another pay increase and be eligible for the “Platinum Plan,” which only one other person in the office has. Unfortunately, the exclusive plan doesn’t cover ophthalmology visits, but once you’re able to afford an inground pool with an artificial grotto, your kids will barely even remember that their Dad wears an eyepatch now.