End It Seriously Underestimating Retaliatory Power of Chiquita Banana Company

Posted on by Dan Rice

TORONTO — In a recent show, members of the hardcore band End It called on the crowd to harass and disrobe an attendee wearing an attention-grabbing banana costume, a move many fans fear will draw retaliation from the notoriously bloodthirsty and capable Chiquita Banana Company, sources within the hardcore community speculate. 

“Those guys oughta know yo, you don’t fuck with the banana!” said paranoid End It fan Louis Hernandez. “My Grandfather is from Colombia; he has seen some shit. Some real shit. You think having one obnoxious, attention-seeking fan sucks? Try having a corporate-backed fully armed far-right militia barreling down at you. I don’t know what Big Banana’s demands are, but for the sake of your families, dudes, for the love of God just meet them. You don’t want to find out what these people are capable of.” 

Many noted historians and experts in corporate governmental influence are painting a grim portrait of End It’s future, should hostilities towards the banana giant and its interests continue. 

“It’s pretty clear that the members of End It have never taken a glance at Chiquita Banana’s Wikipedia page,” said South American political historian Sylvia Shrine. “These people have toppled whole governments to keep the price of bananas from going up 20 cents. They have started literal wars, killed thousands of innocent people, and you just called for a direct assault on one of their representatives. Unless they really are trying to ‘end it’ all, I suggest that band issue an apology, grease all the right palms, and lay low for a while. Get your families into safe houses immediately and tell no one where you’re headed — Chiquita has eyes and ears all over the world.” 

A spokesman for Chiquita has issued an official statement regarding the Toronto performance. 

“End It’s altercation with our associate was… unfortunate. Most unfortunate indeed,” lamented Chiquita spokesperson Wilson VanFord from a thick cloud of premium cigar smoke.  “Frankly, when a rock band displays that sort of recklessness, one can’t be all too surprised when they wind up having, shall we say, an accident.” VanFord then began a low, grumbling laugh, which spread to the huddle of intimidating-looking associates standing behind his chair and quickly escalated into terrifying hysterics. 

As of press time, cell phones belonging to the members of End It were found abandoned just outside the Canadian border.  

“Careful,” Helpfully Warns Bystander After Woman Has Already Tripped

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

MONROE, Wash. — In an act of breathtaking selflessness, a local man warned a woman to be careful after she stumbled over a styrofoam halal container and wiped out on the sidewalk. 

“I don’t think of myself as a hero. I just did what anyone would do. I’m glad I was in the right place at the right time,” said the humble Samaritan, Joe Ugorette. “I don’t even want to think about what might have happened to her otherwise.”

The woman had light bruising and bloody knees, but did not sustain a concussion – though no one knows for sure because, after Ugorette’s wise words of caution, the other bystanders at the scene assumed she was fine. 

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I immediately called my girlfriend to tell her how quickly this guy sprang into action,” said Dean Pearlmutter, another witness to Ugorette’s post facto intervention. “I mean, he didn’t miss a beat. As soon as her body hit the pavement, he was right there with the ‘careful.’ I definitely didn’t have the presence of mind to come through like he did. My girlfriend asked me why he didn’t tell her to look out before she tripped. I was like, ‘Babe, the guy is a white knight, not a freaking precog!’” 

Acts of chivalry like Ugorette’s are rare, according to Dr. Aurika Hays, a psychologist who studies altruistic behaviors. 

“Studies have shown that the average human — specifically, the average man — is primarily self-centered. However, in every generation, there are a few dozen people who go above and beyond to help others, without any obvious personal gain,” said Hays. “It seems Mr. Ugorette is a member of this small but vital group. People like this are probably how we’ve survived as a species.” 

At press time, the anonymous woman was attempting to get up and gather her belongings and what remained of her dignity. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, Ugorette was swarmed by an adoring crowd of newly-minted fans, begging him to say “careful” one more time so they could make it into a GIF. 

Wait, What’s Wrong With These Ones? We Found Five Grunge Albums That Don’t Have a Baby Dick on the Cover

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Grunge was a huge subgenre of alternative rock that sprang out of the Pacific Northwest in the mid-eighties before fizzling out of popularity about ten years later. Known for its heavy distortion, brooding atmosphere, and album covers with baby dicks on them, grunge took the world by storm and left almost as suddenly as it arrived. While doing a retrospective on the genre, we found five grunge albums without infant genitalia on them, so like, what’s wrong with them?

  1. Soundgarden – Superunknown

Loaded with hits, this stone cold classic features several songs that everybody will recognize regardless of whether they’re a grunge fan or even a general fan of music. That’s why we’re so confused that the album cover doesn’t have a baby dick on it. After all, this is a grunge album, right? Maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way? Oh well, maybe these will start to make sense further down the list.

  1. Alice in Chains – Facelift

Well, this one has a face on it, which is part of the body, but it appears to be of a grown man and the shot doesn’t extend beyond his collarbone, so we’re not really sure what this issue with this album was. We really enjoy the tunes on this, but the lack of underage schlong on the cover has us questioning its spot on this list.

  1. Green River – Rehab Doll

People say Green River is one of the first grunge bands, which we don’t really understand, because we looked at this album and all of their EPs, and there is nary a baby dick to be found. Please, if you consider yourself to be a music expert, comment on this article and let us know what’s wrong with this supposed grunge album. 

  1. Mother Love Bone – Apple

Man, these “grunge” artists really loved putting themselves on their album covers, didn’t they? Too bad they didn’t take their music seriously enough, because if they did, these things would be swarming with unnecessary cocks instead of their obnoxious faces. To be completely honest, we didn’t even listen to this one because of this. Is it really a grunge album? Fuck if we know. We’re just going through the motions at this point.

  1. Nirvana – Bleach

You can go ahead and listen to this one if you want; just know that they hadn’t really matured yet to the point of perfecting their songwriting and hiring an unsuspecting baby to pose nude for their albums yet. Good thing these guys got their act together after this pathetic excuse for a grunge album by getting a newborn to hang dong for the cover photo. 

Report: Increasing Number of Americans Ditching Healthcare for Big Bottle of Tums

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

WASHINGTON — An alarming report issued by the Department of Health and Human Services found that the number of Americans abandoning healthcare in favor of a big bottle of Tums is on a sharp rise, attributing the results to a combination of rising premiums, patchy care, and low satisfaction with the doctors they can see.

“I mean, it makes sense. A lot of the issues doctors see patients for are pretty basic, and Tums are well-suited for basic issues. Heartburn. Upset stomach. Liking fruity chewables. Nausea. You name it. Plus, if you don’t have an underlying condition, why go through the rigmarole of having a doctor check you out when one of those chalky-cure-alls might fix you right up?” noted report author Patricia Kind, MD. “But if, say, you have one of the millions of other issues a doctor might be helpful with, relying on Tums alone is not an ideal healthcare strategy. But it’s worth a shot.”

The sunsetting of subsidies for Affordable Care Act healthcare plans has led to a dramatic rise in people choosing Tums over traditional insurance.

“My rate jumped $500 a month this year, and my income’s just too spotty to keep up with that. So, while it pains me to do so, for now, I’m praying that the 350 count Assorted Fruit bottle of Tums I have will tide me over in case anything I’d normally see a doctor for happens,” said Liz Fearson, a Chicago-based freelance writer. “I’m also trying to stay completely still in the middle of rooms to avoid sharp things on counters or anything that I could trip on on the ground. As far as I can tell, Tums can’t help me if anything goes wrong in those ways.”

Doctors across the country have reported a drop in patients as a result of the mass adoption of a Tums-first approach to medicine.

“My office has been emptier and emptier of late, and I can understand why. The system’s failing too many people, but antacids are always there for you,” noted Amanda Chee, MD, an internist. “Given all of that, a regular Tums regimen may be just the band-aid a patient needs until the system lets people and doctors see each other again without causing complete financial ruin.”

At press time, a majority of Americans were seen drinking a big glass of water, as they’ve heard staying hydrated can help with a number of issues health insurance has a financial stake in.

Elvis Impersonator Disappointingly Dies in a Totally Normal Way

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local Elvis impersonator James Britton reportedly passed away in a completely normal way, confirmed sources. 

“You know he spent his whole life trying to live like Elvis, and it breaks my heart that he didn’t die in the bathroom after abusing prescription drugs. It’s what he would’ve wanted,” said widow Leslie Britton. “He worked his whole life and all he ever wanted, more than the jumpsuits and the recognition, was to die on the toilet just like The King himself. Instead, he passed away in bed next to me. Gross. Look I get ‘til death do us part,’ but his body was cold and he was the same shade as a pair of blue suede shoes. The worst part is, he always got paid in beer, so I can’t even afford to pretend to be Priscilla!”

James Britton’s fellow impersonators echoed the sentiments of his widow.

“I’ve been doing this for 57 years, and like anything else, you get out what you put into it, hopefully,” said James Britton’s’ closest friend and fellow Elvis impersonator Craig Sufton, while gyrating his hips at a tour bus filled with senior women arriving for a mid-day tour of the Graceland property. “I eat seven peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches every day because I truly believe if you’re gonna impersonate The King, you have to die like him too: by having a massive heart attack while taking a huge amphetamine shit on the crapper. Anything less and you’re a goddamn poser. Might as well be a lame ass Don Ho impersonator.”

Medical professionals aren’t as convinced regarding the endgame for Elvis impersonators as much as the jumpsuit-clad delusionists who were rallying outside Graceland this afternoon.

“Look, he died unspectacularly,” explained James Britton’s primary physician, Dr. Brian O’Neal. “He went to sleep and never woke back up. So boring. Other than his unhealthy obsession with Elvis, he was just another vanilla cover musician with a silver medal voice. It’s really too bad he spent all that time crooning songs in VFW halls. He wasn’t even a veteran like Elvis. What kind of stolen valor crap is that?”

At press time, it was revealed that James Britton didn’t even suddenly gain 70 pounds before he passed away.

Microbrewery Entirely Built Around Pun Name ‘Let’s Circle Bock’

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local brewery owner Tyler Gibbons confirmed Tuesday that he liquidated his retirement savings and opened a full-scale craft brewery despite having absolutely no prior brewing experience after spontaneously thinking of the pun-based beer name “Let’s Circle Bock,” last week, confused workers report.

“The second I came up with it, I knew I had no choice. I was sitting in a Zoom meeting for my logistics job and someone said ‘Let’s circle back on that,’ and BOOM, it’s like I was hit by a bolt of lightning. I laughed so hard I had to mute myself,” said Gibbons to his banker while cashing out his 401k. “What am I supposed to do? Not open an entire brewery? Sure, I’d never homebrewed before and I don’t know a hop from a barley, but honestly, how hard can beer be? Cavemen figured it out, I think. Sure, I don’t even have a name for the brewery yet, or for any of the other beers but I am sure inspiration will strike soon enough.”

Friends say the entire business appears to have been reverse-engineered from the original pun.

“I’m just saying it seems like he put the cart before the horse. I think he is going for a whole office worker theme, but all he has is that one beer name,” said neighbor Ryan Mercer, cautiously pushing aside Gibbon’s first attempt at beer. “It tastes like smelted pennies and moldy bread. But he’s already put a down payment on the dilapidated Pizza Hut that hasn’t had a tenant since the ‘90s. So far all he put up is an AI image of a hop cone wearing sunglasses and a tie. He’s already selling merch and he doesn’t even know what yeast does.”

Industry experts warn that the craft beer market may be approaching a dangerous tipping point.

“The entire microbrew economy is currently inflated by pun speculation,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, Professor of Beverage Economics at Michigan State. “For years, investors ignored fundamentals like growing, flavor or brewing competency as long as a brewery could produce names like ‘Harvester of Sours’ or ‘Obi-Wan Kölschnobi.’ But eventually the bubble bursts. At some point, consumers realize they’re paying nine dollars for a drink that tastes like carbonated lawn clippings simply because the menu says ‘K-Hop Demon Hunter.’”

At press time, Gibbons announced plans to expand his empire into wine making after coming up with the much less impressive “Let’s Put a Pinot in It.”

Aaron Lewis Just Found Out Christ’s Teachings Were About Love and Social Equality, and He Is PISSED

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s a reason people are calling Aaron Lewis “the thinking-man’s Kid Rock.” Armed with a 4th-grade reading level and a desperate need to have something to talk about with Tucker Carlson, Lewis was able to oust Bruce Springsteen as the traitor he’s been all along, decoding The Boss’s hit “Born in the U.S.A” as being critical of America’s involvement in Vietnam, all despite the song saying “U.S.A” a lot and the album having a flag right no the cover! 

While Springsteen’s anti-war propaganda comes as a shocking reveal to many, it now seems Lewis has uncovered an even more insidious threat to Christ’s America: Jesus Christ himself! 

In a recent podcast interview, the Staind frontman confessed that he was once an avid fan of Jesus of Nazareth, fully buying into the messiah’s image as the cornerstone of blue-collar American values. That all changed, however, when Lewis began examining Jesus’s lyrics critically. 

After a deep-dive analysis of hits like The Sermon on the Mount, John 8:7, and Mathew 5:44, Lewis now sees Jesus as an elitist who stands in direct opposition to American values like capitalism, racial homogeneity, and militaristic might. 

“I think he is just a disgusting display of not appreciating America. The fact that he duped us all by centering our religion, Christianity, around his teachings while low-key giving the most woke, anti-American sermons ever, it’s just plain diabolical to me. I’m angry at myself for not seeing it for so long and actually giving him, in my mind, the credit of being a representation of God in human form and my personal lord and savior. Jesus, if you’re reading this. My eyes are open, and you are on notice.” 

Lewis didn’t just stop at criticizing the teachings of Christ. He went on to fire shots at many of the Son of God’s alleged miracles. 

“Dude fed entire masses with but a few fish and a few loaves of bread. Great. That’s 5000 people fully conditioned to expect handouts going forward. No wonder this country is such a mess.” 

Lewis even went on to put the lord on blast for what many believers view as his greatest gift to the world, sacrificing his own life to cleanse our sins. 

“Do you realize how many hardened criminals Jesus just took the fall for? I’m talking real bad hombres, guys from who knows where who should have been put away forever, just walking the streets of heaven freely. We deserve a lord and savior who isn’t so soft on crime if you ask me.” 

Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet to take a shit, aggravated sources report.

“It was our collective decision to wait until you’ve sat on the toilet to call you out of the blue regarding non-pressing work matters,” said spokesperson for the National Bosses Alliance Tony Camarda. “We may even choose to call you at the exact moment that you’ve shot off a log, thus preventing you from being able to easily rush back to your desk. Of course, we will refrain from preceding our calls with a courteous ‘hey, can I call you really quick?’ message, because we like to keep you in a constant state of general unease with the knowledge that we could reach out at any time. For too long, the restroom has been a source of succor from the rigors of our late-capitalist hellscape, and this initiative will end that.”

You were irritated by the Alliance’s decision, but were unable to attend the meeting due to stomach issues.

“Ugh, typical,” you muttered as you polished off a bag of Party Size Blue Heat Takis. “My job is way too stressful as it is, and the 10 minutes I get to sneak off to the bathroom and move some units is the only thing getting me through each day. I figured the only thing that could make my job any worse is being forced to do it with an unwiped asshole, and unfortunately it looks like that’s what was decided today. I really hope I can make it to the next meeting to raise my objections.”

Organizational psychologist Katya Burke commented on the move by the nation’s bosses.

“I honestly don’t know what they were accomplishing with that decision,” Burke noted. “It’s common knowledge in virtually every workplace that bosses have a knack for calling as soon as we start pinching off a loaf. I understand that the stresses of work life affect those we report to as well, but it wouldn’t hurt for them to just wait until we return to our desks to call with their inane requests. The world is bad enough as it is, so please just let us shit in peace.”

At press time, the nation’s bosses had also announced their plans to walk past your cubicle the second you start looking at your phone.

Career Tip: You Can Just Say You’re an Actor on CBS’s ‘Marshals’ and No One Will Know

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

“I have a three-episode romance arc coming up with Stephanie this season,” I tell my aunt at our Mother’s Day gathering. “You’re going to love it.”

“Oh, we LOVE the Marshals. We’ve seen every episode, you’re fantastic,” she lies. No one has seen CBS’s Marshals, which is exactly why I’m telling everyone I’m an actor on that show.

You can too! Are you feeling stuck in your career, life, marriage? You can just say you are an actor on CBS’s Marshals, also streaming on Paramount + (whatever that is), and no one will know. 

“I didn’t know you were an actor,” they’ll say. Me neither, and I’m not. 

I’ve never seen one second of Marshals. No one has. I don’t think it’s real. I’ve never seen it on CBS; I don’t know if Paramount + actually exists. That is precisely why I’ve been telling people for the past eight months that I’m an actor on the show Variety calls, “a formulaic procedural that lacks the depth of the original Yellowstone.”

I haven’t received one dollar from this venture…yet. No one’s questioned it. Your oldest relatives who claim to love this show, which again I’m not sure is real, won’t question it either. Odds are, if it is a real show, they’re asleep before the title card shows up. 

I’ve created an IMDB page for myself. I play Marshall on Marshals, and Marshall is set to show up in CBS’s Tracker, Fire Country, and Matlock between now and 2029. 

You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this? To that I say, why aren’t YOU doing this? I’m a sales representative for a marketing firm. What even is that? I sell marketing? Everything is insane. Gas is one-bajillion dollars, and I think AirPods are causing cancer. Live a little. Say you have a small speaking role on an upcoming episode of Marshals next time there’s a lull in the conversation. I promise the rush you’ll feel is greater than any drug known to man. 

I just received an email that the entire cast, myself included, will be interviewed on CBS This Morning for the upcoming season. What season are they/we on? No idea. Two? Seventeen? No one knows. No one will ever know. All I know is Marshall is going to have some serious soul-searching this season. Join me, won’t you? 

Fugazi Announce New Prank Call Album

Posted on by Tim Graham

ARLINGTON, Va. — Fugazi will end their decades-long hiatus with the release of a new album of prank phone calls, sources close to the band confirm.

“We started getting together last year in secret to work on songs for a new album,” said Ian MacKaye. “However, everything we came up with felt like a rehash of our earlier work, and we definitely didn’t want to be a nostalgia act. We were at practice one night feeling frustrated when Guy made a prank call to Comet Ping Pong to lighten the mood, and something just clicked. We made some more calls and realized we’d stumbled upon a whole new realm of artistic expression for us.”

Lifelong Fugazi fan Evan Stowe admits to being puzzled by the announcement.

“When I heard there was a new Fugazi album coming out, I was over the moon. They’re my favorite band and I never thought we’d get new material from them,” said Stowe. “But when I found out it was all prank calls and no music, I was pretty disappointed. Are the guys in Fugazi even funny? They always seemed pretty serious on stage. I’ll always support the band and whatever they do, but I’m just not really into prank calls. I mean, I did like the Jerky Boys when I was a kid, so I guess I’ll give it a try. Maybe it’ll grow on me.”

Despite the band’s unusual pivot, early reviews of the album have been generally positive.

“It’s a 9.8 out of 10,” said Pitchfork writer Quentin Pierce. “An instant classic. What Fugazi has achieved is nothing short of miraculous. This isn’t so much an album but a visionary subversion of the very idea of music as we know it. They’ve been to the top of the mountain and now they’ve transcended genre and musical structure altogether. The strong opening track finds Ian portraying a man with a thick Southern accent calling a muffler shop to complain about a rattling sound in his car. Brendan Canty shines as an angry patient with an embarrassing rash calling a dermatologist, and Guy Picciotto’s masterful turn as an old Italian man trying to order sausage from a butcher is breathtaking.”

At press time, Dischord labelmates Lungfish had announced they would be returning as well with an album of creepy Halloween sound effects.

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