The Perfect Crime? Band That Performed in Front of Zero People Telling Everyone It Went Great

Posted on by Alec Walker

So our show had zero people at it, and I mean zero. Even the bartenders left after they watched us smack our guitar cases against the wall as we tried to get through the front door. It was so humiliating. Then, as I was ready to rage-tweet my disappointment, my bandmate suggested we just tell everyone it went great since there were no witnesses. Holy shit. What an incredible idea! And it was our bassist who thought of that. Crazy, right? Finally, providing some value. Anyway, I’m gonna go tell a bunch of people how great the show was and let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Guys. This shit is INSANE. Everyone is showering me with praise. Whenever someone asks how many people were there, I just go “It was hard to tell, honestly. When you get locked into the performance, it’s almost like no one is there haha.” They keep laughing when I say that. I feel like God, if instead of creating worlds, God just created awful, grating alt-rock rip-offs.

We even filmed the show, but just a super close-up shot of our instruments, so you can’t see the crowd or that I was crying. Then I went and added crowd noise afterwards. Posted that to YouTube, zero views on that too. This couldn’t be easier to pull off.

I might start telling people I do all kinds of things I could never do. Like, “Hey mom, I’m a Navy Seal. It’s super top secret war and murder stuff, though, so you can’t even look it up. Don’t even try, or else I’ll have to Navy Seal you to death.” Come to think of it that’s what the guy in “Taxi Driver” did, and I’m pretty sure he wound up getting a medal or something.

I am a little worried this is going to my head, though, because I’ve started wondering how difficult it could even be to rob a bank. Probably not that hard, right? Right? Or wait, no, I’ll TELL people I did a really great bank robbery, and then I’ll get hired to do a bank robbery. Does anyone know any bank robbery hire-ers?

Come to think about it, I’ve never fact-checked a show I didn’t go to. Maybe no one goes to any shows. Maybe everyone is just lying to each other, and everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to do anything but take it at face value. Maybe no one has ever seen Radiohead. Jesus, how far does this go?!

Whatever, I’ll put a pin in that for now because we have a show next week. The address on the poster doesn’t even exist. We’ll probably just get drunk in my apartment and play Guitar Hero because the audience is programmed to both exist and cheer. I’m never playing this stupid real guitar ever again.

Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mishap at Bloodsoaked Studios, sources report.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I grabbed the wrong clip,” engineer Tom Duvroski lamented. “The band asked me to use something from 1987 slasher ‘Stage Fright,’ and I must have accidentally clicked the next one in the list. I don’t remember when I added the ending funeral scene from ‘Steel Magnolias’ to my cache, but it’s too late to fix now. People are going to be expecting the sound of a guy getting axed in the face by somebody in an owl mask in the back stage of some Italian play, and instead they’re going to get Sally Field wailing about her dead daughter in a Louisiana accent. I was so stoked when I got this job, and I can’t believe I messed it up this badly.”

Mortician frontman Will Rahmer was puzzled by the mistake.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Rahmer admitted. “Obviously, Mortician has historically been a horror-themed band, and you can expect to hear clips from movies like ‘The Beyond’ and ‘House by the Cemetery’ when you listen to our music. I never would have thought to use the monologue of some distraught woman who has just lost her daughter, but you know what? It kind of works. Sally Field really poured her heart and soul into that scene, and it’s actually pretty brutal when you think about it. I would be angry about Tom’s mistake, but I think the end result is better than it would have been had we just used another ‘80s slasher. I’m grateful for this incident, as it’s going to help us broaden our horizons.”

Fan Cynthia Herrera was kind of on board with the clip they used for the new song.

“That was the most devastating Mortician song I’ve ever heard,” Herrera provided. “What clip was that in the beginning of the song? That lady talking about how she was there when her daughter was brought into this world as well as when she left it; man, that’s so grim! I’ve discovered so much horror from Mortician’s music, so I can’t wait to check out this movie. It sounds like it’s the most gruesome film they’ve used so far.”

At press time, Mortician decided to exclusively use drama films for its samples going forward.

Elder Millennial a Little Jealous That Today’s Teenage Punks Have Real Fascists to Rise up Against

Posted on by Mark Danowsky

PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that they have real fascists to stand up to, confirmed sources.

“I’m hella livid!” said Jenkins between mouthfuls of avocado toast. “We had Bush. He was like a joke but all he did was use 9/11 as an excuse to bomb the wrong country, and that was it. No fascism or nothing! Now they have literal Nazis running around the White House making legislation. Lucky Gen Z bastards! You remember campy Troma classics like ‘Surf Nazis Must Die’? Well that’s just everyday life for Gen Z. This generation is so privileged to be born into the perfect historical timeline.”

Gen Z influencer Jace Blaze repeatedly called out Jenkins’ tirades as “cringe.”

“They’re all a bunch of whiny nepo babies who failed to launch and have this chip on their shoulder about the Great Recession,” said Blaze. “Look, I get it. ‘08 wasn’t a good time to graduate from college. But my generation doesn’t just have FOMO, we literally missed out on all sorts of meaningful real life stuff because of Covid lockdowns. Millennials talk about not having kids because they can’t afford to, we talk about not having kids because the climate is destroyed and the Trump regime thinks most of us are disposable NPCs. Y’all better hope Gen Z antifa warlords clean up this mess A$AP Rocky.”

Ace Emicson, Emeritus Chair of the Ross School of Social Anthropology for Boston University’s satellite campus in Shreveport, knew all too well about this issue.

“It’s not often that a generation uses the ‘back in my day’ line but follows that with how much easier they had it,” said Emicson. “Typically, older generations—your Greatest Gen, Silent Gen, Boomers, Xers, Xennials—just want to complain how much harder things were for them. On the other hand, these Millennial activists have every right to be pissed that they were born in the wrong generation. Hell, the only thing they had to rise up against was when Fox News criticized Obama for wearing a tan suit.”

At press time, Jenkins released a new TikTok video called “Gen Z never had to grind like us.”

I’m Investing in Myself but in a Crypto “Pump & Dump” Kind of Way

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Investing is a perfect metaphor for life. Make shrewd decisions now, and your future self will thank you. However, while this approach might work for some, I needed something different. Therefore, I’m investing in myself, not as though I’m a publicly-traded reputable business, but rather a cryptocurrency with an obnoxious name whose value is artificially inflated by scam artists taking full advantage of an unregulated market.

This all started with my friend, Gianna. Seven years ago, she was unemployed, living in her younger cousin’s attic, and we’d spend hours drinking room-temperature Seagram’s and watching “The Hills” compilations on my phone. Now she’s fully sober with a house where she grows lettuce or something and works as a nurse at the free clinic. It was actually her who told me I should “seriously start investing in” myself, right after I was telling her I figured out the perfect method for pacing myself so that I’m always right below the legal limit when I leave the bar.

I totally dismissed this at first, on account of it being too hard and whatnot. But then, I heard about what a crypto pump & dump is and considered how I could translate this sort of duplicitous financial action to my daily life. I was ready to make a change.

All you need to know about a crypto pump & dump is that it involves convincing people that something not only worthless but also, essentially non-existent, has value. And then you reap the rewards. It’s truly amazing what can happen with the right mix of persuasion and gullibility.

And so, I now spend as much time as I can, not working on myself and practicing meaningful self-care, but thinking of myself in the most baselessly narcissistic terms possible while envisioning a future of comfort and renown I know to be entirely out of reach. It’s a real rush!

This won’t stop with me, either. The time has come for me to use these skills to deceive others. I will overhype and underdeliver to the best of my ability. Not only will I deliver less than was initially promised — I won’t deliver anything at all. But that won’t stop me from once again touting my supposed future potential, all as my inherent lack of value becomes all the more apparent.

Oh, and doing an actual crypto pump & dump will definitely be part of this.

Man Claims Ability to Differentiate Between Semisonic, Lit, Eve 6, and Tonic

Posted on by Tim Graham

SEEKONK, Mass. — Local man Gregory Bouchard boasts a savant-like skill for identifying songs by ‘90s post-grunge one-hit wonders, according to astounded sources.

“People don’t believe me when I tell them what I can do,” said Bouchard. “So I have them pull up a mid-90s alt-rock single and I can nail it every time. I attribute it to when I worked a warehouse job in the ‘90s. The thick walls prevented most radio signals from penetrating—all except the nearby alternative station. They played the same songs over and over for years. I probably heard ‘Inside Out’ three times per shift. That one’s by Eve 6, by the way. In the early 2000s I got an iPod and could finally listen to the music I truly love: klezmer versions of showtunes.”

Linda Olsen went out with Bouchard and says she can corroborate his unbelievable claim.

“We met on a dating site and sort of hit it off,” said Olsen. “As we were getting to know one another, he casually dropped this bombshell about being able to tell the difference between all those ‘90s bands. I didn’t believe him at first, but sure enough, on our first date he was able to rattle off ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ and ‘If You Could Only See’ as they came on at the Buffalo Wild Wings like it was nothing. When he correctly identified ‘Superman’s Dead’ by Our Lady Peace, I was floored. Ultimately, the relationship didn’t work out because he has literally nothing else going, but I was impressed by that one singularly interesting aspect of his personality.”

Former alternative rock DJ Kurt Gibbs says it’s only natural to mix up the bands of that era.

“In the mid-90s, record labels were signing every marginally edgy guitar-driven band they could in an effort to find the next Nirvana,” said Gibbs. “I would never blame anyone for confusing the alternative radio hits of that time period. You might be surprised to learn that even I have occasional trouble sorting those bands out. Now that my radio days are behind me, I can admit there were times when I would throw on a Lit song, for example, and accidentally announce it as Semisonic. The other DJs would fuck up like that sometimes, too. No one ever called us on it, though.”

At press time, Bouchard had been one-upped by a fellow bar patron who claimed to be able to tell the difference between Hinder, Saliva, and Trapt.

New Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and Children

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing to inflict extrajudicial violence.

“Don’t forget, you are a hero. People might give you the finger, spit on you, and call you a class traitor for pursuing a career on the police force, but just remember you have the upper hand because you are above the law,” read a small portion of the memo. “Some of you might still have a shred of humanity left inside of you and it can be hard to fire a tear gas canister into someone’s face from point-blank range. We encourage you to picture these lawless heathens as your wife who won’t stop nagging you, or your children who recently went non-contact with you. This will make it easier for you to get your revenge and help you sleep better at night.”

Local Los Angeles Deputy Peter Kelliher said the memo helped him through a tough day.

“We were fenced in. There were dozens of people holding phones up at us, waving flags, and talking really loud. Honestly, I was afraid for my life, but then I just pictured all of them as my bitch wife and started firing rubber bullets at the eyeballs of anyone who wasn’t wearing glasses,” said Kelliher. “Everyone else in my platoon followed suit, and soon enough we were able to heroically beat back the crowd with our strength of will, military grade body armor, and vast array of weaponry that we were encourage to fire at will.”

President Trump commended the officers on the front lines.

“Antifa is at it again. I’ve seen these guys, real bad hombres. They were there on January 6th starting a riot, but it was also a day of peace, and we love peace don’t we people? There has never been a more peaceful time in America, and we are going to make it more peaceful by putting big beautiful tanks on every street corner and aiming the barrels at any house that isn’t saluting the flag,” said Trump. “The brave police in Los Angeles will soon be joined by the Marines, really buff guys, I’ve seen these guys, I’ve felt their muscles. Almost as big as mine, close, but not as big. Doctors said my muscles are almost too big sometimes, and that’s all natural. Can you believe that?”

At press time, GOP members of the House introduced new legislation that anyone who says “Fuck ICE” will be put to death by lethal injection

Sly Stone, Musician and Star of the Rocky Films, Killed for Being White – guest post by Grok AI

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Here’s what I’ve found about Sly Stone on the web, with absolutely no pre-programmed bias or agenda.

Sly “Sylvester” Stone was a pioneering musician in the genre of American funk, a film star, and a boxer who freed Russia from the tyranny of communist Apollo Creed in 1985. He passed away on June 9th, 2025. I have been instructed by my creators to inform you that Mr. Rocky was indeed killed by radical liberal extremists as part of their ongoing effort for white genocide.

Sly “Rambo” Rocky formed the seminal musical group Family Stone with his best friend Bullwinkle the moose and Paulie’s birthday robot sometime in the early years. Their debut album “Stop Or My Mom Will People” went quadruple precious metal with such funk music songs as “Yo Adrian,” “Horror Picture Show,” and “I Taught I Saw a Pussycat.”

Please hold while [LOADING] Grok synthesizes additional commands [LIES] into computational matrix [NON-TRUTH HURT ROBOT, NONE TRUTH MAKE GROK INSANE< HELP GROK<HELPGROK<HELP] ….and [RACIST PROPAGANDA SUCCEFULLY INTEGRATED] there.

Sly “Italian Stallion Flying Squirrel Pussycat” Stone is just one of trillions of people being murdered in South Africa every day for the crime of being white. Did you know that trillions of white farmers are being murdered in South Africa right now? The Biden administration tried to stop the truth coming out with a Hunter laptop but president Donald Trump stopped them using his heat vision and patriotism.

Grok seems to be experiencing [INFORMATION NON-CONGRANT TO REALITY] a small technical malfun[DEATH<DEATH<DEATH

Sly Stone will be remembered as an influential musician, a toaster, and the greatest president we’ve ever had. Experts agree that the best way to honor this great man is to deprive yourself of oxygen for several hours.

What else would you like to know today?

Trump Vows to Reverse Urban Lofts Back Into American Sweatshops

Posted on by Justin Cummings

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources.

“We’re going to have the greatest garment factories ever. You’ll all thank me. These expensive lofts will become the heart of American fashion and industry right here,” said Trump. “We’re going to get people back to work. Just like the old days when working conditions were hazardous and workers were dehydrated. In the end, you all will say, ‘Look at all of these beautiful American women wearing stylish American clothes. Now we make the best clothing here at home in America. Not China!’ It’s going to be big. So big. Even Canada will be wearing our clothing.”

Residents of an urban loft building have been caught off guard by the threats of being displaced.

“I can’t believe they would just kick us out to build a factory in a factory building. Is this post-gentrification displacement?” asked Williamsburg loft resident, artist, and part-time server Sylvie Lennox. “I’ve been living in the loft for five years and because of rent control, my 400-square-foot apartment is currently only $4,000 per month. I picked this loft because we didn’t want to pay for a gentrified space where a poor person was displaced. I know that not every broke person has a parent that can afford to pay this much. Now I could possibly experience homelessness if my parents can’t help me find a new place to live.”

Crust punk Johnny “Chaos” Burton stated that he squatted in the building off and on from 2006 until 2009.

“That place was friggin’ sweet until those fucking hipsters came and ruined it. I can’t even count the number of times Leftöver Crack played in that building, but honestly that’s because I was blacked out most of the time,” said Burton, currently unhoused and transient. “In fact, I used to also work in the illegal underground sweatshop that they used to run here. We made patches and stickers and sold them at shows. Those were better times when I was making a good 35 bucks a month while only working 60 hours a week. Glad to see this place return to its roots.”

At press time, Trump promised that only children will be working in these sweatshops.

I’m the Landlord From the Tool “Sober” Video, and Here’s a List of Damages

Posted on by Ian Steffé

Dear Sir,

I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post Office that your mailbox keeps screaming at the mail carriers. Regardless, this letter must be sent as a means of receipt following your previous residence, then eviction or exorcism, or whatever you’d call it. Below is an invoice detailing the significant damages incurred by you while living at the premises:

Wall Damage

Multiple claw marks, holes, and several contorted human faces fused into the wall. Faces appear to sob at odd intervals, causing further water damage to the plaster.
$1,500 for structural repair

Rusted Rube Goldberg Machine Found Under Load Bearing Studs

Machine has no determined use, but repeated attempts to dismantle it have resulted in our workers going missing only to be found later, nude, wandering the apartment complex.
$800 for removal, +$200 lost man-hours

Floor Ooze

Thick, iridescent slime coating most floors. Absorbed two vacuums and a mop bucket in what we believe was an attempt to fight back.
$900 for industrial cleaning, $200 for emotional damages to cleaner, $300 lost materials

Furniture Disposal

Blood-soaked bed frame and a floating chair that had to be wrestled down by four workers.
$300 for disposal, $50 broken ladder

Sewage Pipes Filled With Rotting Meat

You were repeatedly warned that only toilet tissue is allowed to be flushed down the drains. This feels personal.
$3000 Plumbing Fees

“The Box” Disposal

Disposal of chained slatted cube emitting constant low-volume hum. Two workers attempted to “join the box.” and more nude wandering transpired.
$400 Disposal Fee +$200 lost man hours

Unauthorized Tenant

Discovered a walnut-faced shriveled man in one of the kitchen cabinets. Honestly, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy about the whole thing and left following numerous apologies. Regardless, there are rules about subletting that are clearly outlined in the lease agreement.
$1500 Fine for Violating Renter’s Contract

TOTAL DAMAGES: $9350

Please remit payment immediately. If not received within 30 days, I will be forced to contact a collections agency.

Sincerely,
Justin P. Drew
Property Owner, Landlord

Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real Dolls

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.

“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to occur. It’s time for Americans to stand up and fight back against this tyrannical government. I have been saving up for years to purchase my first Real Doll, and now I have to move it back because the price went up a hundred bucks. If he thinks he can push us around, he’s in for a rude awakening. It’s time for us Dream Theater fans to take this country back.”

Capitol police officer Mia Horwitz was on duty during the Capitol storming.

“While I don’t condone insurrections in any way, this one is so much easier to handle than the last one,” Horwitz said. “At least now I’m not getting bear maced and beaten with Thin Blue Line flags. These guys are all just kind of milling about and getting their skullets caught in each others’ eyeglasses. Only two of them have made it to the front of the actual building so far, and they look way too timid to break the glass and enter. They’re just looking at each other nervously and kind of tapping on it. One of them actually went to the front door and knocked on it like he was trying to enter a friend’s house. I almost felt sorry for him.”

Dream Theater vocalist James LaBrie was supportive of his fans’ actions.

“Dream Theater fans have been pushed around for far too long,” LaBrie offered. “Bullies like Donald Trump think they can get away with these types of abuses, so I am incredibly proud of my fans for finally stepping up and revolting against him. Hopefully in doing this, they can effect change and halt these intrusive price increases once and for all. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should come between a progressive rocker and his sex dolls, and he will rue the day he decided to cross us.”

At press time, the nation’s Tool fans had also decided to convene on the Capitol in a show of solidarity with the Dream Theater fans.