We Sit Down With Emily the Strange Because She’s Running the Haunted Bed and Breakfast We Booked

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Emily the Strange, the ingenious young girl with a fascination for all things macabre and one time unofficial Hot Topic mascot, is as synonymous with goth as Siouxsie Sioux and the color black. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve seen her around, so you could only imagine our surprise running into her on our vacation in Blandindulle, mostly because she’s the owner of the haunted B&B we’re trying to escape.

The Hard Times: Wow, you’re the last person we expected to see working the front desk at 1 a.m. Is your mom around? We’d like to chat with her about some issues we’ve been having with our stay.

EMILY: Patti isn’t here. You can talk to me, I own the place. Hotel entrepreneurship is my specialty after molecular biology and skateboarding.

Oh uh, that’s cool. Well listen, when we spoke to the guy on the phone last week he said there’d be activities like gardening and yoga, and it looks like the backyard is just a freshly dug up graveyard.

Not sure who you spoke to, I’m the only person within twenty miles – oh, wait that was probably Raven. He’s the cybernetic golem I made out of reanimated bird parts and he’s also the head chef. But yeah, we’re replanting the coffins tonight if that’s your thing. Any other dumb crap you want to bug me about?

Uhhhh well it’s just that last night we were woken up by some weird noises. It was back and forth between guttural screams and moans of anguish. Are there some escaped mental patients staying here or something?

No, those guys checked out a few days ago. You’re the only guest staying here, but you’re not the only souls, if you catch my drift. They can be noisy but they came with the house and keep better company than the living. Speaking of which, any interest in helping me test out this brain-scanning machine I’ve been working on? I’ve run out of test subjects.

We’ll take a raincheck on that. Listen now that we think about it, the La Quinta Inn by the airport might be more our style. Could we check out?

Technically yes, but the doors lock from the outside so you might as well get comfortable. Besides, I’m giving a lecture on theoretical physics and contacting the dead so I’m going to need your undivided attention. Plus it’ll give the cats time to tidy up the room.

So the cats are-

The cleaning staff, yes. Just so you know Mystery and NeeChee will bite you and whisper ancient languages from before recorded time to drive you insane if you left wet towels on the floor on top of a $25 fee.

Fine, but we’re not making the bed! But seriously, we ought to be going and I’m sure it’s past your bedtime. WAIT WHY ARE THE WALLS MOVING?

Look,I don’t walk into your job and slap the piss out of your mouth, don’t tell me how to run a hotel where all the paintings come to life. Relax and let the poltergeists do their thing. It’s not like you’re going to die. Yet. Man, if there’s one thing that spoils running an unlicensed B&B from hell, it’s other people!

Neo-Liberal Mayor Paints Anti-Homeless Spikes For Pride

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

STAMFORD, Conn. — Mayor Shannon Still reiterated her city’s commitment to celebrating lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people by hiring a local artist to paint the area’s hostile architecture in a rainbow pattern, sources currently calling the cops confirmed.

“After seeing all the attacks on this marginalized group, we are making it clear that all people, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity, are welcome here,” said Mayor Still as she supervised the hanging of a “Love Is Love” banner on a gate covering a shady spot under an outdoor staircase. “We’ve painted rainbow flags on the sleeping deterrents on our public benches and increased funding for law enforcement to look out for vagrants and drifters who might incite violence. And we’ve gone all out for the parade. We cut down the trees along the route to increase visibility and put in planters, so there will be plenty of spots to stand without the ‘unhoused’ tents getting in the way.”

Local community groups welcomed Mayor Still’s support of their ongoing inclusion efforts.

“The pursuit of acceptance and equality is a 24/7 job, but we appreciate the city’s commitment and support, especially during Pride,” said Gray Parker, President of the Stamford Chapter of UnVisible LGBTQIA+. “They stepped up in a big way, stationing security guards at our libraries to suss out suspicious people who look like they might challenge books, and ordered St. Luke’s African Methodist Episcopal Soup Kitchen to pause operations so it can be used as a safe space/reading room/vendor marketplace.”

As expected, these measures have been criticized by conservative groups, but there has been pushback from those in the queer community as well.

“While the mission is certainly admirable, the execution raises concerns of political pinkwashing,” said activist Elie Trumaneas as they unpacked boxes of apparel. “The City Council is using Pride as an empty gesture for political goodwill without any lasting forward movement. And frankly, if you know a single queer person, you know that many of us are committed to providing for those in need, instead of punishing them for simply existing. You can read about it in our latest print edition newsletter, thanks to a generous donation from Exxon-Mobil.”

Mayor Stills insists these will be lasting changes and that they intend to celebrate cultures and communities throughout the year, mentioning that for Hispanic Heritage Month they will be “blasting” Salsa music in the all-weather gazebos in Commons Park.

For a Hundred Extra Dollars This Couples Therapist Will Just Tell You Who is Right

Posted on by David Britton

Therapy, whether it be the online variety or the old-school kind where you have to leave your house, has become not only socially acceptable but so popular that people now assume there’s something wrong with you if you’re not telling all your problems to a stranger every week. In order to deal with high costs, many people are turning to couples therapy, thereby combining some of their medical expenses with date night.

Even with this clever trick, therapy can be an expensive undertaking, especially if your therapist doesn’t validate parking. It can also be emotionally draining to return week after week to the same strip mall to argue about whose father was more of a dick and why that means the other person should do the dishes. So what are unhappy members of the disappearing middle class to do? It turns out a psychologist in the tiny hamlet of Hartford, NY may have the answer.

“The truth is, most therapists know which one of you is the problem five minutes after you walk in the door.” says Dr. Kailey Strafford “But we don’t want to say anything because that would be kinda rude. It would also keep us from making like thousands of dollars… so there’s a lot of factors at play.”

But after several years in the field, Dr. Strafford became what they referred to as, “totally bored”. That’s when they decided to streamline their process. Now for an extra $100 in cash, they will tell you who is right on your very first visit.

“Dr. Strafford was a real godsend for us!” said former patient Angela Jameson “We’d heard about their revolutionary technique so I folded up a hundred-dollar bill and passed it to them when we shook hands. We were out of there 10 minutes later and now my boyfriend has to sell that stupid parrot! Thanks Dr. S!”

But not everyone is thrilled with the good doctor’s new form of therapy.

“It’s completely outrageous!” said Dr. Willford Brimmel of the American Psychological Association, “Most of us spend well over a decade training to be therapists. You can’t just ask for an extra $100 and tell a couple who is ‘right’. Something closer to $250 is much more reasonable if you want to maintain a summer home at halfway decent location.”

Dr. Strafford says they understand some of this criticism. “Even I have to admit there are multiple dimensions to any relationship,” they explained. “That’s why starting next week, for an extra $25 each, I will not only tell couples which one of them is wrong but will let them know if they are hot enough to continue getting away with their bullshit.”

Every The Velvet Underground Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

The Velvet Underground is the quintessential band that everybody knows is important, but nobody actually listens to. They have a paltry 3.6 million monthly listeners on Spotify, which seems like a lot until you see that fucking Hoobastank has 9.5 million. But if you know anything about the Velvet Underground (or “the Velvets,” if you’re a pretentious asshole), you know they’re one of the coolest and most influential rock groups of all time. So, let’s peel back past “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” (kidding, we know that’s a Doug Yule solo track) and rank their venerated oeuvre. Yeah, normal bands have mere discographies; pioneering geniuses have oeuvres.

5. Squeeze (1973)

“Squeeze,” technically the final release from the Velvets (OK, like any true fan of this band, I am a pretentious asshole), is a universally reviled album that nobody thinks even counts, because it contains none of the band’s original members. And the Velvet Underground without Lou Reed is irredeemably bad, like the Misfits without Glenn Danzig, or the Dave Matthews Band with Dave Matthews. For any contrarians who call this album “surprisingly listenable” or whatever, that’s exactly the problem — the Velvets’ genius lies precisely in how unlistenable they are.

Play It Again: There’s nothing worth playing even once here, unless you’re interested in how presciently AI-generated these songs sound.
Skip It: Yeah.

Honorable Mention: VU (1985)

Since the Velvets only have four proper LPs, their cultish fanbase clings to outtakes, a million different live albums, expanded rereleases with pointless alternate mixes, and bootlegs that have absurd names like “The Fuckwell Tapes ‘68” and “Live From Old Skinny Larry’s Manhattan Tenement,” if I’m remembering those correctly. While there’s incredible music all throughout, much of it is geared toward diehard fans without jobs. But, if you’re looking to get into the Velvets’ extended universe, start with VU’s delightful set of outtakes recorded 1968-69 and released long after the band called it quits. This quirky gem, the better of two outtakes albums, contains most of a storied “lost album,” which I hear was discovered over at Old Skinny Larry’s place on the Lower East Side before it got converted into a luxury unit.

Play It Again: “Stephanie Says”
Skip It: “Andy’s Chest” (the Transformer version is far superior)

4. Loaded (1970)

“Loaded,” the Velvets’ true farewell, is their only album that won’t clear out a room of normal people. It’s not as boundary-pushing as their earlier work, but Lou’s virtuosic songwriting and pop sensibilities really shine throughout this gorgeous, well-constructed record. Doug “Judas” Yule’s vocals are featured heavily, which some people hate, especially given his “Squeeze” blasphemy. But let’s be honest, you can’t even tell the difference between him and Lou singing here anyway. This is the Velvets’ weakest proper album, meaning it’s only slightly less than perfect.

Play It Again: “Rock & Roll” shows how a Velvet Underground song can be great even when it’s not about doing heroin or getting your dick sucked.
Skip It: “Train Comin’ Round the Bend” could have used a few lines about doing heroin or getting your dick sucked, because it probably isn’t anybody’s favorite Velvet Underground song.

3. Self-Titled (1969)

In yet another example of our country’s anti-Welsh racism, Lou Reed canned founding member John Cale before making this record. On one hand, this is a shame, because Cale masterminded the unpleasant droning that helped make the first two albums so artistic and cool. On the other, if Lou never fired him, Cale wouldn’t likely have made that stunning rendition of “Hallelujah” from the first “Shrek.” And what’s more, we wouldn’t have this achingly tender and subdued record. Although the Velvets stopped singing about drugs for this album, songs like “Pale Blue Eyes” are the sonic equivalent of opiates — warm, transcendent, and tragic. So actually, yeah, fuck Wales.

Play It Again: “I’m Set Free”
Skip It: “The Murder Mystery”

2. The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)

Punk. Shoegaze. New Wave. Ragtime. Cumbia. The Velvets’ legendary debut single-handedly invented these genres and more, changing popular music forever — despite famously being a commercial failure early on. Did you think we weren’t going to mention that fucking Brian Eno quote? Too bad. He said, “I was talking to Lou Reed the other day and he said that the first Velvet Underground record sold 30,000 copies in the first five years, and it’s all because he went door-to-door asking people to please listen, and they did. And Lou actually made a lot of friends that way and learned that friendship is important and maybe he shouldn’t be so mean. And I think he mentioned some of those people started a band!” Sorry, but that explains it all.

Play It Again: “The Black Angel’s Death Song” (and don’t complain)
Skip It: If any of you jim-jims skip a single song on this perfect record, I will go Valerie Solanas on your ass.

1. White Light/White Heat (1968)

Oh ho, weren’t expecting this at number one, were you? The Hard Times is a punk site, so of course this rabid underdog is our favorite. Look up “proto-punk” in a dictionary, and you’ll soon learn that standard dictionaries don’t contain niche terms like that. But do some Googling and yeah, you’ll see this album is proto-punk as fuck — the primordial ooze from which so much beautiful filth has sprung. The Velvets’ debut was supremely avant-garde, but White Light/White Heat was somehow even avant-garder, reaching unparalleled heights of cacophony and unintelligibility. If White Light is your favorite Velvets record, the one or two people in your life who give a shit will (SWEETLY) respect this as a cool choice.

Play It Again: “Heard Her Call My Name”
Skip It: “Sister Ray” — but that wouldn’t be very proto-punk of you.

The Top 10 Things My Landlord Needs to Fix If He Ever Wants to See His Cat Again

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

That slumlord Frank has neglected my apartment for far too long! I’ve tried being reasonable with him, I’ve submitted all of my maintenance requests in the online portal just like he asked. I’ve sent dozens of followup emails. I’ve even tried shouting at him in front of his family, but there’s just no getting through to this guy. Drastic measures are clearly needed. That’s why I’ve taken possession of my landlord’s beloved cat, Mr Pibb. And if Frank ever wants this cat back, these are the things he needs to fix:

10. The lock on our building’s front door

A lockable front door seems like a basic requirement for an apartment building in this neighborhood. I’m tired of having my Amazon packages stolen. A new lock is what, 30 bucks? What’s he waiting for? If he fixed this one thing and nothing else, I’d consider returning Mr Pibb right now. It turns out I’m very allergic to cats, and this little asshole has shredded my couch.

9. This broken old oven

I have been complaining about this for 2 years. The damn thing takes an hour to heat up. If I had a whole hour to cook, I wouldn’t be making a frozen pizza for dinner. I will not tolerate this any longer. Either he fixes this oven or he needs to buy a new one. Until then, Mr Pibb stays with me. And I’m hoping the oven is fixed soon. It turns out cat food is expensive, and I can’t afford this much longer.

8. The raccoons under my stairs

Mr Pibb refused to eat the food I originally bought for him, so I had to buy an even more expensive brand to get him to eat. All because that son of a bitch Frank still hasn’t fixed anything around here. And now things are worse than ever! I threw the first bag of cat food off of my balcony in anger and it has attracted several raccoons. They spend all night shrieking under the stairs to my apartment. How could any respectable landlord allow these conditions to exist on their property?

7. The leaky roof

It’s negligent for a landlord to not repair my leaky roof in a reasonable amount of time. There must be some legal action I can take against this guy right? In the meantime, it’s just me and Mr Pibb against a broken system and a corrupt landlord. It doesn’t seem likely that Frank will get his shit together any time soon. Luckily I found a brand of cat food that Mr Pibb can tolerate, because he’s clearly going to be my hostage for a while.

6. His shitty attitude

You did this to yourself, Frank, so I don’t want to hear about it from you. It was your own inaction that led to the taking of Mr Pibb. I never asked for this goddamn cat. I never wanted to take daily allergy meds just so they could stay with me. Just fix my apartment and you can have it back. I don’t want to hear any more complaining about how you got burned by the seller when you bought this place last year. That’s your problem, not mine. I’ll gladly keep Mr Pibb forever if that’s what it takes to teach you a lesson.

5. The sink I poured hot oil into

Just because this one is technically my fault doesn’t give my landlord an excuse to not fix it. I tried to deep fry something last week when I was drunk, and the hot grease did serious damage to the drain pipes when I dumped it out. How are they both clogged AND leaking at the same time? What kind of operation is Frank running here? There’s no way the person who allows these living conditions to continue is taking proper care of his pet. I’m glad I intervened.

4. This big hole I made in the wall

This one is only partially my fault. And I refuse to go into details about the origin of the hole. The fact is, there is a head-sized hole in my living room wall, and Frank refuses to patch it until I return his cat. It’s a typical landlord/tenant standoff. And to be honest, I’m not even mad anymore. It’s clear that Frank doesn’t want his cat back, or he would make an attempt to fix my wall. And who really cares? Mr Pibb seems happier here. He’s become an inside cat now. Gone are the days of fighting off the raccoons under the stairs just to come inside for dinner.

3. My relationship with my father

Fuck it. I’m keeping Mr Pibb. If Frank really wants him back, I’m not making it easy anymore. You want your cat? Find a way to get my dad to answer the phone when I call. Surprise, dipshit, you can’t! The old man’s still pissed that I sold the family business and invested all the money in Dogecoin. If he didn’t want me to make impulsive decisions with our shared investment, then why did he go into business with me in the first place? You’re being a real “Frank” about this whole thing, Dad. It would be a shame if one of your pets went missing next…

2. My credit score

There’s no getting around this, 390 is an abysmal credit rating. Nobody will rent to a single man with no documented income and a 390 on his credit report. It’s the only reason I still live in this rundown shithole. I’d take my new cat and leave tomorrow if I could afford it. Mr Pibb and I deserve so much better, but Frank isn’t doing anything to help our current situation. And he’s definitely not helping my FICO Score by reporting me for being “delinquent” on my rent each month.

1. My declining mental health

Mr Pibb is the only good thing in my life right now. Andrea left me after I lost our house in that bad cryptocurrency investment. There’s nothing left here. Just a complete absence of serotonin, and all this IKEA furniture that I put on my credit card before the bank froze the account. But while we’re on the subject, I’ve got this letter from my doctor that says Mr Pibb is a registered emotional support animal now. So Frank better not even think of charging me pet rent next month, because this cat is a medical necessity. I still think Frank should fix all the broken stuff around here, but at this point nothing would make me give up Mr Pibb. I would die for Mr Pibb.

Day Trader Inflates Patagonia Vest to Assert Dominance Over Other Finance Bros

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK – The din of a busy coffee shop on Wall Street turned to hushed reverence and fear after a stay-at-home day trader inflated his Patagonia vest to assert dominance over inferior finance bros, awed witnesses reported.

“If you’re going to be an alpha in this jungle, the only way to do it is by being bigger, louder, and angrier than anyone else. As soon as everyone saw how much I puffed up my vest, and how loudly I was yelling random numbers at my phone, they fell right in line,” said Mason Phillips. “Now that I’m top dog, I can take anyone’s table and spend six hours spending other people’s money while drinking a single coffee. If anyone doesn’t like it, I’d like to see them get to me through seven inches of pure fleece.”

Despite the natural order of law being upended, the coffee shop staff remained professional and calm.

“It’s amazing to witness it firsthand, but we are always careful to not interfere. Frankly, it’s pretty funny the way this guy inflated his vest like a balloon and threw business cards in my face like I fucking care, but in this environment, the best defense is to make yourself as big as possible and to not look them in the eye, or else they’ll start talking at you about asset backed securities,” said barista Marisa Jones. “Though I have to hand it to him, he must have some air of authority the way everyone else submitted to him after he showed them his bank statements. I bet this would be impressive if anyone outside of the Financial District gave a shit.”

Cultural anthropologists were excited to finally witness a rare event in the delicate ecosystem of unbearable stock traders.

“For years now we’ve studied the behavioral patterns of these insufferable tools, but this is the first time we’ve witnessed someone using their bland, boilerplate attire to make themselves more dominating, let alone like someone of actual import,” said Dr. Susan McConnel. “What’s more interesting is the fact that suburban day traders don’t usually traverse this far into the city. My theory is that Phillips’ plumage and personality was not impressing any potential female mates, so he decided to assimilate into an environment where he can strong-arm fellow males into relinquishing their passive income.”

As of press time, Phillips’ reign was already usurped by another asshole with size 14 boat shoes.

How I Drove Up Rents In My Neighborhood By Painting Wings On A Wall

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Sure, I’d love to have inherited a luxury building on Central Park South or a Tribeca loft instead of a mixed-use building with a storefront and six apartments in Jersey City. So I made do with the “rough around the edges” charm.

The place needed a bit of a makeover to make it hospitable. The biggest problem was the exterior wall. At some point, someone painted an unauthorized mural of someone named Medgar Evers, but it looked like an airbrushed shirt from the Wildwood boardwalk.

I tried asking myself what Jesus would do, but that got me nowhere because that dude sucked at making money. Then it hit me—if I wanted to take the building to the next level and be uplifting, what better than wings! I found some wonderful resources on Pinterest and got to painting. I signed it with my artist name, Sakura Otomo, in honor of my Japanese influences.

I decided the building needed to be its own character. I called it, “Bhavana,” the Hindi word for building. A little basic, but it just sounded beautiful. I found a wonderful brushed metal artist on Fiverr to make the sign above the door.

Unfortunately, the laundromat on the first floor kept getting broken into and they missed a few month’s rent. It was a blessing in disguise, I converted it into a gallery space for art showings and burlesque shows. I was able to purchase some washers and dryers for the basement, so with the purchase of a laundry card, my tenants can use these bonus amenities. I was able to use this additional income to fund my collage of pages ripped from library books.

Without having a commute, I’m able to explore everything in the area. I’ve found so many amazing places and learned about so many cultural celebrations that I’ve been sharing on TikTok. Each post gets bigger and bigger. I found the most authentic Chinese takeout, Panda Garden IV. They have a keyboard set up, where they make their kids practice piano. I shot myself dancing to them, and it blew up! People loved the sari I started wearing, so I pointed them to Heritage Indian Fashions. Then I shot myself tasting a “chopped cheese” at the local “bodega,” and doing a little dance. I’ve been checking out Rootsman Kitchen for authentic live classic reggae, but avoid it on the weekends, it’s just a typical club. My most viral post was when I got a true stick-and-poke tattoo of an infinity symbol on my ankle.

Sadly, people in my building have started to leave. They no longer can afford things in the neighborhood, and I’ve had to charge more to keep up with the other buildings. But there always is a bright side, I’ve been able to buy a vintage black and white camera and convert the backroom of the gallery into a darkroom for my photo essay on the transition of a neighborhood.

Guy In Anal Cunt Shirt Really Hoping Someone Asks Him To Name Three Songs

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BUFFALO—Local extreme music fan “Dirty” Travis Macintyre is eager to showcase his genre knowledge by explaining the brutal song titles of Anal Cunt to a stranger, sources report.

“When I heard people were asking people in band shirts to prove their fandom by naming songs, I immediately ordered a different Anal Cunt shirt for every day of the week,” said Dirty, while carving the word “fuck” into a park picnic table with a butterfly knife. “I have my three song titles ready, and I can’t wait to see the look on all the snowflakes’ faces when I spit out the most brutal sentence ever written. They cover the full gamut of awful: murder, all types of assault, involving all sorts of people. I’d say them right now, but there’s a cop over there, and I don’t want to violate my parole.”

While the song titles might inflict emotional distress on the average person, Macintyre’s mother, Cyndy Slater, is well aware that her son is no stranger to controversy.

“Travis has always been someone who craved attention. As a kid, he’d run around with his diaper filled, trying to gross out other kids, and really, this isn’t that different,” said an exhausted Slater. “Like any mother, I just hope that someday he settles down, gets married, and finds what he’s looking for in life. But on his last date, he brought a dead possum that he found in the parking lot into the restaurant, so I’m not holding my breath.”

Dr. Janice Linkletter, Director of Psychology at Johns Hopkins, posits that we are currently experiencing a profound renaissance of such behaviors.

“With Reddit, 4Chan, and Truck Flags, there are no shortage of ways to be an asshole. It used to be that dickheads only were able to meet up locally, but now all they have to do is write ‘play stupid games win stupid prizes’ on a local news comment thread and they gather together like pigs in slop,” said Dr. Linkletter. “Pushing the status quo has always been a goal of trailblazing artists. That being said, we went from Alice Cooper wearing black eye makeup to G.G. Allin eating fistfuls of shit in about eight years. At this rate, we’ll be dead by next year.”

Macintyre was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy calling a 12-year-old various slurs on Call Of Duty.

Pretty Boy Steve Bannon Petrified of What Might Happen To Someone As Good Looking as Him in Prison

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon, a former Trump adviser, is worried about what will happen to “someone as pretty as him” in prison after a federal judge ordered the pundit to serve his four-month prison sentence for a Contempt of Congress charge, sources close to Bannon confirmed.

“I’ve seen the movies, a guy like me is going to be very popular in prison. I’ll have to assert dominance by going in there and taking a swing at the biggest and baddest dude around,” said Bannon from the chair he’s been sitting in for the past 12 hours straight. “I know I’m tough. I’ve watched most of the Rocky movies, and I used to watch ‘Bloodsport’ with Trump like three times a week. If anyone tries to mess with me I’ll just hit them with a spin kick right to the spine.”

Most federal inmates admit to being indifferent about Bannon being locked up alongside them.

“I don’t know why all these guys automatically assume we want to have our way with them in the shower. Most of us are just regular dudes who made a few mistakes, and got wrapped up in the prison system. I’m serving 25 years for distributing weed, and that shit is legal in a bunch of states now,” said Thomas Cleary. “All I’m saying is I couldn’t give a fuck about this guy. I mind my own business, I study in the library, and I look forward to visits from my wife. All that said, I’ll gladly beat the shit out of the dude if he steps out of line.”

Veteran prison guard Richard Leary believes Bannon’s worries are overblown.

“Everyone that works in law enforcement is a giant fan of Trump, and that’s going to really benefit someone like Mr. Bannon. He’s always going to have a guard near him because they are going to want to know how cool Trump is in person,” said Officer Leary. “I hope he gets sentenced in my prison. I’ll give him the grand tour, I’ll show him where we make some of the prisoners do Friday Fight Club and I’ll even let Mr. Bannon in on some of the wagers. But I really don’t want to get my hopes up.”

At press time, Bannon was looking up the best recipes for prison wine.

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Israel Shows Support For Western Culture By Committing Mass Murder At School

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of having kids die in school.

“President Biden has been very clear that we use these weapons the same way America would, so we looked at the numbers and realized most American mass casualty events happen in a school,” said Aluf Tomer Bar, the Commander of the Israeli Air Force. “It was a no-brainer for us. We got out our maps and started marking down every school we could find as soon as we opened the latest shipment of missiles. And yeah, I don’t know, just to cover my bases I should probably say that we had intelligence that Hamas was embedded underneath the school or something. There is no way to prove they weren’t there, the whole place is a pile of rubble now.”

Countless Palestinian refugees are uncertain of where they can go to remain safe from Israeli bombing campaigns.

“We can’t go to the hospitals because those are targets, we can’t go to designated encampment locations because those are targets, we can’t even shelter in UN schools because now those are targets,” said Nafiz Raid Ziyad. “They won’t allow shipments of food, they bomb aid workers, and America does nothing but give them more money and more weapons. Now Israel is rejecting the ceasefire deals that they themselves proposed. This won’t end until all of us are dead.”

President Joe Biden admitted he was touched by Israel’s show of solidarity with America.

“Listen Jack, this is a big step forward. Lots of Americans seem to be against Israel, but here they are making an effort to show how much they love and respect the red, white, and blue. This is why we stand side by side with them in their fight for freedom,” said Biden following a D-Day speech. “If World War 2 taught us anything it’s that American firepower is the best darn way to achieve peace the world has ever seen. That’s why we will continue to give Israel our full support, stop asking any questions, and cover our eyes and block our ears anytime someone tries to say Palestinians are suffering.”

At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to congratulate the bacterial infection cholera for its brave work infecting civilians in Gaza.