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Broke Punk Considers Scrapping Copper IUD

MINNEAPOLIS — Local woman Lauren Bangert is considering selling her copper IUD contraceptive for scrap in order to make a few extra dollars to pay off her multiple overdue bills, impressed sources confirm.

“Money is tight ever since I got fired from Cracker Barrel for calling a customer a ‘walking pile of shriveled dog shit’ and I figure I have this bullshit IUD that doesn’t even stop my period and copper prices are pretty good right now,” said Bangert. “I’ve tried other methods for quick cash, I tried selling my blood, but apparently if you bag it yourself nobody wants it. I figure now is the time. My neighbor just tossed out their water heater so, if I load that into my car and go to the scrapyard I can make some money from that metal, and this IUD that I hope hurts less coming out, because when they put it in it felt like Satan himself was headbutting his way through my vagina.”

Some people are concerned about the move, thinking it is unsanitary or are just worried that Bangert is economically vulnerable.

“I mean, it’s not necessarily that it’s gross. I’m a feminist. I don’t think anything involving a woman’s vagina is gross,” one of Lauren’s friends, Max Wilczyk, stated confidently. “I’ll go down on you in a porta potty on a 90-degree day while you’re on your period. I don’t give a fuck. But I was just worried that she was hard up for cash and when I told her this she just yelled ‘My body my choice!’ at me and jumped on one of those double-decker bikes the punk welders make and took off.”

Doctor Susan Wilkerson, Bangert’s gynecologist, skirted HIPAA rules to provide a quote.

“I understand the fascination that if something was in you, you should be able to hold it or see if it has a certain value. However, there are medical waste policies that prohibit doctors from giving things like bone fragments or kidney stones to patients,” said Dr. Wilkerson. “But this is different–never before had we had patients ask for IUDs back after removing them, and now we’ve noticed at our clinic more requests to keep them. A couple people even brought in IUDs they ‘inherited’ from a friend. Kind of like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but for contraceptives. It’s troubling.”

As of press time, Bangert did, in fact, try to scrap the IUD, but found that selling it to “some weirdo online” was substantially more lucrative.