The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains than ever before! Unfortunately, increased variety brings confusion to some users.
Different strains of cannabis can have radically different effects. Most users know that in general, sativas are energizing and uplifting while indicas tend to be more sedative, but what specific strains should you try to treat pain? Which ones have the most anti-inflammatory properties? Perhaps most importantly of all, which ones will give you a full-fledged anxiety meltdown while catching up on FX’s runaway hit series “The Bear?”
After testing dozens of strains, we are now qualified to answer one of those questions. Here are the top 10 varieties of cannabis to give you a panic attack while watching Christopher Storer’s Golden Globes sweeping, highly triggering comedy/drama. Let it rip.
10. MAC V2 (hybrid)
Mac V2 is a cross between Miracle Alien Cookies and another strain of unknown origin. Though fairly potent, it is both uplifting and relaxing and doesn’t inhibit focus as much as most strains in its class, making MAC V2 Ideal for both daytime and nighttime use. Be warned, however—this strain is just too well-balanced and euphoric to truly maximize your anxiety while watching “The Bear.” While Carmy would approve of the strain’s tantalizing citrus and pepper notes, it won’t cause you so much stress that you have to remind yourself to breathe, separating you significantly from the main character and the overall spirit of “The Bear.”
9. White Widow (hybrid)
It’s one of the most well-known strains in the world, so you would think the knowledge that you shouldn’t smoke a joint of this shit to your face before throwing on “The Bear” would have gotten around by now. Well if it did, we missed the memo. Wait, Lionel is still working on the donut? What is he doing?! Dude, they are going to MURDER you, are you serious? Lionel, come on man, snap out of it! No don’t show him now! Not now! Oh fuck. Oh fuck.
8. Runtz (hybrid)
Runtz has skyrocketed in popularity over the last few years, and it’s not hard to see why! With its sugary fruit flavor profile and euphoric, uplifting high you’ll be saying “Yes chef!” to just about everything. While many users claim this strain helps manage their anxiety, the top reported negative effect is anxiety, so it’s a bit of a dice roll. There’s a chance you maintain enough of a good vibe to be entertained by the drama of Berzatto and co, or there’s a chance you wind up starting a kitchen fire in your sleep. Let it rip!
7. Blue Dream (hybrid)
This classic sativa dominant’s balanced high, bringing both cerebral stimulation and deep body relaxation, will trick you into thinking you’re on solid enough ground to handle 30 minutes of Chicago kitchen stress. The sweet berry aroma gives way to a delightful pine after finish and oh fuck Richie is going for his gun what the fuck is going to happen?! When paired with the “Fishes” episode Blue Dream can produce a powerful feedback loop of every trauma you’ve experienced or embarrassing thing you’ve said at a family function from the age of 10 to the present, and you’ll spend hours wondering if it will ever be over. Users may also experience dry mouth.
6. Purple Punch (indica)
This sweet yet tart indica is known for its powerful sedative effects, so why am I letting a 4th episode of “The Bear” play? It’s 2:30 in the morning, and this shit is making me insane. I’m starting to get too anxious about the stress dreams binging this show is going to give me, so I guess I’ll keep watching it to stay awake? This feels like the beginning of a terrible spiral Chef.
5. Jack Herer (Sativa)
One of the most legendary sativa strains of all time, Jack Herer’s earthy pine-scented nugs will energize your synapses and prime you for some extremely triggering kitchen drama. You’ll be hearing those pre-order tickets print long after the credits roll when you watch “The Bear” with ole Jack.
4. Cap Junky
Cousin, this strain is the real deal! Let me tell you, I really really did not need “the real deal” right now! They knocked down all the walls?! They have black mold?! And everyone is just like “Oh well let’s truck along”?! After everything that’s happened, this late in the game, they just throw “Let’s rebuild the building” on top of the heap, how is anyone functioning under these circumstances? They’re all about to pop right? They’re all just going to burst like balloons one by one, any second. Whoops, clenched my fist so hard it drew a little blood.
3. Super Lemon Haze (sativa)
Is this the right move for Sydney? I’ve never really questioned it till now but yeah, this restaurant is a huge risk, and Carmy doesn’t really seem to be holding up his end right now. Like has this show actually been about her trusting the wrong people and burning out this whole time? Is that the kind of track my life is on? God my coworkers steal my energy so much, that’s why I’m so stressed just watching a TV show. What if I’m the one making things suck though? I gotta get my head straight. Start working out. I should write that down in my notes app, right now—”Start working out.” Oh, weird, it looks like I already did that two weeks ago. Jesus. Oh my god, that ravioli looks so fucking good!
2. Gorilla Glue (hybrid)
Don’t let its classification as a hybrid fool you. Gorilla Glue derives its name from the fact that it can induce some of the most intense couch lock you’ve ever felt in your life, and, fuck, you left the remote over on the chair. Oh man, “The Bear” seemed like a good idea 2 bong rips ago but now you’re not so sure. Eh, screw it. You can handle this. It’s a hit TV show for God’s sake. It’s technically a comedy! Oh my god, it’s so stressful. Oh my fucking god I forgot what working in a kitchen is like oh my god it’s so fucking stressful oh my god oh my god oh my god…
1. Gary Payton (hybrid)
Well, this is one of the most aptly named strains we’ve ever tried because our pulse has gone supersonic! Our budtender said this strain was good for anxiety, did they mean causing it? If you want the true feeling of being locked in that walk-in with Carmie, muttering away the only good thing in your life while helplessly listening to everything you’ve built descend into chaos, Gary is here to take you to the paint.