Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Are More Coherent Than Anything Said in the Debate

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

If you saw the latest spectacle that was the first Presidential Debate of the 2024 election season, your nerves are likely as shot as your brain is dead. While we can’t quickly fix the current trajectory of the nation, we can at least help soothe your low-grade panic attack with some new music. Here are six songs you can play on repeat while you look up the cost of moving to Canada.

MJ Lenderman “She’s Leaving You”

Although more popularly known as the guitar virtuoso of indie-rockers Wednesday, MJ Lenderman has a well-established solo career of his own. This week, he dropped the excellent ‘She’s Leaving You’ from his upcoming fourth LP, ‘Manning Fireworks.’ It’s a blast of sunny yet somber 90’s indie rock that is sure to have you considering unblocking your ex. It’s still a bad idea in case you needed to hear it.

chest. “Going Clear”

Tuck that t-shirt in because the post-punk invasion is in full bloom. New to the fold is the Parisian quintet known as chest. Don’t try to Google them unless you feel like being convinced that you’re having a heart attack or that you need to update your workout regimen, but do give their absolute banger of a debut single ‘Going Clear’ several listens.

Gel “Persona”

If you’ve been by the office recently and have been wondering about all the plywood in the windows, it’s there because one of hardcore’s most exciting new bands, Gel, are back at it. Our landlord said he won’t replace the windows again after what happened when the band’s debut album dropped. One listen to their latest ‘Persona,’ and you’ll understand the precautionary measures taken here.

Weezer “Surf Wax America fr. Joyce Manor”

Weezer’s massively successful ‘Blue Album’ is somehow celebrating its 30th goddamn anniversary this year. The band is obviously in full celebration mode. Earlier this week, they dropped a live EP with arrangements of classic songs from the album. Most notably, they recorded a new version of ‘Surf Wax America’ with noted Weezer disciple Barry Johnson of Joyce Manor. It’s a massive nod to the continued influence of the record, and Johnson’s palpable joy on the track is infectious.

Bright Eyes “Bells and Whistles”

Like your student loan debt and cockroaches after a nuclear war, some things just refuse to die. Take Bright Eyes for example. Despite having already released enough classic genre-defying albums to fill a psych ward, the band is showing no signs of bowing out with the announcement of a new album ‘Five Dice, All Threes.’ The lead single ‘Bells and Whistles’ will transport you to a smoky bar circa 2005, before you knew about all the horrors of 2015-onward.

Nada Surf “New Propeller”

Indie-rock cult legends Nada Surf are set to release the follow-up to 2020’s ‘Never Not Together’ in just a few months. With only two singles released thus far, ‘Moon Mirror’ is already shaping up to be another classic from the New York quartet. The latest ‘New Propeller’ is a meditation on the unrelenting tides of change, and promises the listener that the core of themselves will remain recognizable. That’s a bit depressing in your case, but still a nice thought.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you aren’t having full-blown anxiety about everything.

Gwar Fill-in Obviously Threw Costume Together From Things Laying Around Their Home

Posted on by Travis Tack

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.

“The guy was calling himself ‘Ulikka The Gooch’ and wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head,” complained concertgoer Mike Lee. “It felt like he was not taking Gwar seriously. As a ticket holder, I was somewhat insulted. We all were. I mean, we took time out of our busy schedules and we’re paying good money to see a live show and get sprayed with fake blood, and this guy’s up on stage with couch cushions duct taped to his chest. I expect higher quality from this band.”

Matterhorn is an up-and-coming fill-in musician, but this was his first time performing with Gwar.

“This was all very last minute,” Matterhorn said while checking to see if a goalie mask would work for tonight’s fill-in show with Slipknot. “On Tuesday, I was temping at Bank of America, and now I’m here – singing about being attacked by penguins while wearing a jacket covered in vacuum cleaner attachments. It’s a lot. I’m still getting used to it. This is a big change of pace for me. This is partially my fault though. I lied on my resume about having a full science fiction-themed costume with mythological backstory.”

Members of the band were thankful they could get someone on such short notice, but were not entirely pleased with the result.

“James is a talented bass player and a very kind person, but a lot of people had a hard time believing he was an interplanetary scumdog fixated on wrecking human civilization, conquering the planet and feeding every person to the world maggot. It’s a shame that we will almost certainly have to kill him,” explained Gwar frontman Blöthar the Berserker, known to family and friends as Michael Bishop. “For one thing, the guy was wearing oven mitts. Not ideal. But at least he seemed to have a great time throwing people into the meat grinder. That’s something.”

At press time, guitarist Mike Derks, also known as Balsac the Jaws of Death, loaned Matterhorn his backup bear trap headgear, as long as he promised to take it to the dry cleaners after the performance.

Opinion: I Was Part of the Government’s Top Secret Rodent Man Experiments and I Don’t Appreciate Being Sexualized

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Like millions of Americans, you have probably been enthralled with the recent wave of fairly weird-looking celebrities being labeled as ‘Hot Rodent Men.’ Look, I get it. Guys like Timothée Chalamet are certainly attractive to some, and definitely have vermin-esque features. Beneath those beady eyes and angular chins lies a harrowing darkness, however. Before you make another TikTok about how Mike Faist is ‘low key ugly’ but also ‘vibes,’ you should know the ick-inducing truth.

In the summer of 2005, several of these ‘hot rodent men’ and I were part of a top secret government program known as ‘Operation HRM12.’ The initial goal of this experiment was to create a hyper-intelligent species of rat that could infiltrate the powerful Mole Man society that resides beneath the New York City subway system. We were told the project was imperative to national security. We were almost successful even. Until… the incident occurred.

As our cerebral matter was infused with the ever-growing vermin army, several hundred lab rats started speaking incoherent gibberish before promptly exploding; killing the government’s dreams of conquering the nefarious Mole Man King. Devastated by their loss, the scientists turned their ire toward the humans. We were subjected to numerous tests, ranging from all cheddar diets to experimental neck-building exercises to help us withstand the Mole Men’s various man-sized mouse traps.

To help normalize the horrifying changes to our facial features, those who could take no more were forced to sign NDAs and pursue careers in the entertainment industry. The unlucky few who stayed progressed further into rat-human monstrosities reminiscent of Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Had I not escaped into the sewers, I might be residing in the island colony to which they were exiled.

You’ll have to forgive me for not jumping for joy over this impending ‘Rat Boy Summer.’ While you gawk over Jeremy Allen White, I remember his blood-curdling pleas of lactose-intolerance during the cheddar trials. As you daydream about stuffing Kieran Culkin in your shirt pocket, I revisit memories of him sobbing as he is forced to watch an unreleased episode of “Tom and Jerry” in which the former is brutally clawed to death by the latter on a twelve-hour loop.

I don’t care what gets you off. Now that you know the truth, however, I just want you to think of the human being with .009% rat DNA before objectifying them.

Punk Band More Known for Their Work as Line Cooks Rather Than Their Music

Posted on by Ian Steffé

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Wizard Wrecker are trying to make peace with the fact they are highly regarded for their work as line cooks at local venue Bloody Knuckles, rather than any music they ever made, sources confirmed.

“I can’t say their music is awful because I actually respect awful, it makes you actually feel something,” confessed Alex Bui, booker and GM of the club. “It’s something worse than that: they’re boring. We let them do a show once and people were so tuned out that I saw people using their phones to compare car insurance rates. Taking a Tylenol PM and reading a phone book would be more entertaining than whatever they were doing. But we hired them later when we opened the kitchen. And they make this smashburger that is just transcendent. It tastes like an idea of home you never knew but wish you had when your parents were still together. I know I’m saying this in ethereal terms, but… it really gets to you man.

Lines of customers are regularly outside the club ordering the 9-dollar burger, much to the chagrin of the band that has to serve them.

“I honestly don’t get what the deal is other than a lot of these people are drunk and rowdy,” said lead singer Ben Naramore, looking through the service window. “I mean it’s just meat, cheese and mayo. The irony is this job has made us so much more money and we can finally afford studio time now. But we haven’t played in months because we’re working overtime over here. It’s hard to choose between the two. I mean, we have insurance! How am I supposed to walk away from that?”

This issue with identity is not a new phenomena, according to punk historian Jay Bothwell.

“The band should be happy that they’re known for something somewhat positive, honestly. Other bands have been overshadowed by far less. No one remembers Blocked Shots in Omaha until you bring up the Chevy Suburban their guitarist drove. They couldn’t book a gig, but that SUV helped many great bands move a lot of equipment,” said Bothell. “Then there’s Open Casket in Minneapolis. They were spinning their wheels in the ‘80s until their drummer beat the shit out of Paul Westerburg. Actually, not much changed after that. That was a two-week pop of attention.”

As of press time, Wizard Wrecker announced they already sold out of a new shirt honoring their in-demand burger, while their full-length LP on Soundcloud remains at 14 self-listens.

How I Celebrated Pride Month By Calling My Gay Cousin Just My Cousin

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Pride month is almost over, and you might be wondering how I celebrated these past few weeks. Well, I did what any great ally should do, all month I’ve been calling my gay cousin just my cousin. I love my gay cousin—sorry, my cousin—Jeremy. He came out a few years ago as bisexual. But we all know that’s just a one-way track to getting a train run on you in a truck stop bathroom. He asked if we could go on a cruise, and I told him no-sir-ee! You can’t be doing that in front of the kids! He then shook his head and took my sister on a Regent Seven Seas cruise through the Scandinavian Alps.

You’re asking if I am the only one in our family who calls him “gay cousin” instead of just Jeremy? No, not at all. It’s me, Uncle Lou who has that cool sticker on his car with a snake on a yellow flag and Grandpa Johnson who thinks we should ‘bring back redlining.’ I have to remind him that while it might not be around anymore it’s always with us in spirit.

But hey, pride is beautiful! Love is love. I could go on and on with slogans I’ve seen on t-shirts at Target. It’s the holiest month of the year. Get it? Because glory hole? Like the Troye Sivan song? How do I know who Troye Sivan is? Don’t ask me questions. My kids like to play his songs. He can actually dance so well. Plus hey. I don’t see color. In those logos. Seriously, why did none of those companies do that this year? You guys didn’t? That’s honestly homophobic. And that’s on period, yas queen! Did I use that right?

Hey, little victories, and little changes in habit, they’re all progress. I mean, that’s what my gay cousin always says. I took the kids to pride this year, and they had a lot of fun. The town is called Boystown, that’s so clever! There was a lot going on in the parade that my kids had never seen before so I did have to answer a lot of questions. Like “What is Deloitte?” and “What is Lockheed Martin?” This year, I learned that at the end of the day, my cousin and I, we’re not so different after all. We both go through the back door, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? I’m saying that I’m cheating on my wife so I need to make sure she doesn’t catch me. Love is love, am I right?

Gorilla Biscuits Mascot Released After 35 Years of Captivity in Lower East Side Alleyway

Posted on by Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — The giant gorilla mascot for New York hardcore luminaries Gorilla Biscuits was finally released after being held in captivity on the corner of Avenue A and St. Mark’s in lower Manhattan, sources who are suckas with big mouths confirmed.

“I can’t believe it’s been 35 years — time flies! I know it was wrong to have him just stand still there but I had high hopes he was ok. I realize now these are just things we say,” said local aging hardcore scenester Trent Boggins. “Some people say there’s no reason to keep a huge ape on one tiny block while wearing a giant Champion sweatshirt and they might be right but there’s two sides because he did always have that grin on his face so it seems like he was kept there with good intentions. Kinda sad though when you think about how we treat apes and band mascots, I guess cats and dogs really do have all the luck.”

Newer residents to the area who don’t know of Gorilla Biscuits, or how to incorporate their lyrics into a sentence, say they are glad to see the enormous animal leave their neighborhood.

“Yes, I am so happy that big hairy thing is leaving this block. He would just stand there with his arms folded and have his elbows crushing the buildings around him causing damage to my new $2.5 million, 300-square-foot studio apartment,” said advertising executive Jennifer Costa. “I guess this all has something to do with some band? Is it that band Gorillaz? I don’t understand any of this. All I know is I’m a real New Yorker who moved here for the gritty culture in 2022 so I think I know enough to say it’s time for this monkey to go so that I can get to the Chiptotle around the corner.”

Primate expert Sandra Binghampton agrees that it is best for the large gorilla to be released from its urban captivity.

“This really is what’s best for the animal. Many people seem to be confused that the gorilla appeared to be smiling but really showing its teeth in that way is a sign of distress in primates,” said Binghampton. “Luckily we have been able to transport the gorilla to a sanctuary where it can spend its life with other mascots from the New York hardcore scene like the skinless guy on the Leeway album cover and that weird flaming Madball thing.”

At press time sources at the mascot sanctuary confirmed that Gorilla Biscuits had also released the caveman mascot who unfortunately still had a trumpet lodged up his nostril.

Six Key Takeaways From the First Presidential Debate

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

President Biden and former President Trump met on the debate stage in Georgia last night and reminded Americans that the two-party system is broken and we could do better. President Biden showed his age and frequently lost his train of thought, while Trump made countless false claims. Here are six key points from last night’s debate:

Trump Believes Every Living American Has Already Been Murdered By Someone Who Illegally Crossed the Southern Border

Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.

Biden Claimed His Deuce Coupe is Undefeated in Street Races

When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.

The Former President Took Credit for the Reunion of The Original Misfits

Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”

Biden Claimed the American-Made Bombs Being Dropped On Gaza Are the Safest in the World

The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”

The Traditional “End of Debate” Kiss Seemed Forced and Uninspired

While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.

The American Dynasty Will Come to An End Within the Next 18 Months

When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.

Folk Punk Show Audience Can’t Be Bothered to Look Up From Their Soup Cans Connected by String

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The audience of a recent Terry and the Tire Irons show consisted of apathetic young folk punks who’s attention was glued to their soup cans connected by string, frustrated sources confirmed with a “dagnabbit.”

“These Gen-Z folk punks are always on their contraptions, it makes me sick. It’s not like the old days…well, I mean, the old-old-old days, since we’re talking about folk punks here,” complained head Tire Iron Terry Grebalski, as he ripped his name patch off his oil-stained coveralls in contempt. “They’ve gotta be in constant communication all the time, staring at their soup cans attached to string so they can talk to their friend on the other end. I’m trying to bang on a washtub up here, do you mind? I swear, they’re even worse than the tik-tok kids. That’s what we call our fans who are obsessed with those newfangled grandfather clocks.”

Amid the grumbling of the band, the bored audience members asserted that they were simply opting for what they were more interested in.

“Nothing against the Tire Irons, but we youngins need constant access to the outside world at all times, so until we can all stream their music from home–it doesn’t even have to be a stream, it could be a brook or a tributary, even–we’re going to be looking at our soup cans on string,” said Rosie Krassner, while intermittently checking the can for any transmission from whoever was on the other line. “We’ll have to wait for the latest Apple updates for those capabilities, though. But I hear it’s a Granny Smith this year, so I’m already licking my lips in anticipation for that! Yum!”

Ever-harried band manager Herndall Sigmund appeared at the end of his rope with the entire ordeal.

“This is bad publicity no matter how you slice it. On the one hand, taking the situation at face value, the band isn’t interesting to these young people. But, to make matters worse, even if Terry and the fellas were to make a Karen-like scene, there’s no way it could go viral because there are no cameras on anyone’s phones,” said Sigmund, as he arranged the haybales the band requests to be nearby at all times in a huff. “It’s lose-lose. Sometimes, I think this job sometimes ain’t worth the 10% I make from their pay. Especially because they’re always getting paid in, like, fresh buttermilk and shit like that. I fucking hate buttermilk.”

At press time, the show was cut short anyway when the entire audience ran out into the street to join an in-progress stickball game.

Oh You Like Charli XCX? Name Three Brands of Poppers

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

So you think you’re a stan of Charli XCX, huh. One of Charli’s Angels? Cute. You’re gonna have to prove it. But don’t go flaunting any ticket stubs or merch, mama. That proves nothing these days. Real fans of Charli XCX can name at least 3 brands of poppers.

You heard me, twink. Start naming brands of “nail polish remover” or “VHS cleaner” if you want me to believe you actually bump Charli. Or do you not even know what poppers are? Mother signs bottles of them at like, every concert, so if you don’t, that’s honestly a full stop already.

Oh you do know what they are? Well then, let’s hear it—start dishing out names of your favorite brands of orifice-opening inhalants to prove you’re actually a Brat.

LOL, did you just say Rush? RUSH!? Oh sweetie, you know the most mainstream brand of poppers there is. How blasé. How embarrassing. How…expected. Every straight girl who’s ever seen a Troye Sivan TikTok knows this one. It’s a classic, sure, but like, in a basic way, not a camp way. I’m guessing you only discovered Charli XCX from the Barbie movie soundtrack, didn’t you?

You’re not done yet? Okay miss thing, preach then. Name another, I’ll wait.

…Did I just hear you say Jungle Juice Platinum? I have to admit, that’s actually so Julia. I’m starting to think you might be that girl after all. Have you ever listened to Unlock It after taking a double nostril nose dive into a vial of J.J.P.? You have? You’re honestly making me do a complete 180–no, a full 360–on what I think about you.

Oh, you have another brand of poppers to namedrop? Well, dish!

Um, wow. You did NOT just say Double Scorpio. Damn girl, so confusing! Here I was thinking you were some poser, but you’re like, actually a fiend? That’s serious stuff, even for me, a Charli Connoisseur. I took a tiny huff of that once during her Crash tour and literally Vroom Vroom’ed straight into the floor.

I’m impressed. Gagged, even. Sorry I ever tried to gatekeep you, queen. You clearly know your poppers, and by extension, Charli XCX. Here, have a Parliament to celebrate. Keep being toxic and iconic!

Complaining Boomer Actually Has Good Point About QR Code Menus

Posted on by Charles Bill

SARASOTA, Fla. – Local 71-year-old Steve Mills made multiple strong arguments against the use of QR code menus while trying to order the Sunshine State Super Special at Mitzy’s Diner early yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“God dammit, I just want to hold a paper menu,” said the typically disagreeable, but this time correct, baby boomer. “If I wanted to take out my phone and take a picture, I’d go to my grandson’s christening, but I’m here instead, so just let me have a physical menu where I can easily see the pricing and sides! Donald Trump should really make this part of his platform. I’m just glad the young people are coming around to see how right I am about things. I think they’d also agree with my stances on movies in theaters having subtitles, dogs being walked without a leash, and abortion.”

A table of nearby Zoomers who overheard the complaints found themselves shocked to be in complete agreement.

“Damn, old dude’s got a point,” remarked recent college graduate and avocado toast enthusiast Kamau Jenkins. “He was saying a bunch of vile, racist shit, but then I heard him talking about QR code menus being ‘an unnecessary barrier to entry for dining’ and my head started nodding along. He’s got a pretty good point. I shouldn’t need to download a fucking PDF in order to get food. Apparently the system that existed for hundreds of years is not good enough. Has technology gotten to the point that it’s hurting us more than helping us? I’m kind of scared. Does this mean I’m going to start voting Republican?”

The entire scene was witnessed by the restaurant manager, who cursed loudly and dashed back into the kitchen.

“They’re finally waking up to my devious machinations,” said the mustache-twirling manager, donning a large top hat. “There’s nothing that makes my blood boil more than easy access to our food offerings and prices. I even switched over to metal QR codes to make it functionally impossible to scan the menu unless someone else uses their phone flashlight on it. You think I want people to eat at my establishment without jumping through hoops? Of course not! Eating should not be simple, it should be a baffling ordeal. And this intergenerational teamup could throw a spanner in my plans.”

At press time, the restaurant ejected the patrons for requesting a clear breakdown of the prices of draft beers.