Trump Voter a Little Disappointed He Won’t Get To Shit on Desk in Capitol This Time

Posted on by Max Barth

WEST CHESTER, Penn. — Local Trump supporter Stephen Hall confirmed that he is happy about Trump’s win, but is a “little disappointed” that he won’t get to defecate on a Congressperson’s desk this time around, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I was a little surprised that he won, with all the cheating and fake ballots I saw flying around my Facebook all week,” said Hall, who is recovering from emergency intestinal surgery. “I started eating a bunch of expired cereal, rubber erasers, and energy drinks, thinking I could make it up to D.C. in time to express my opinion. Voting was fine, but it just didn’t feel as rewarding as ruining some legislative assistant’s keyboard by squatting over it, blowing out my back end, and yelling about how Democrats made Mr. Potato Head gay. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.”

Dr. Sadiq Abbas, the surgeon who saved Hall’s life, refused to say whether his patient would have in fact been able to carry his intestinal cargo across state lines before he faced serious health consequences.

“It’s hard to say, because we’ve been swamped with these cases all day. We had a lady come in before polls opened, claiming she’d eaten so much lentil soup she could hear her dead mother’s voice,” said Abbas. “Her plan wasn’t even to go to D.C., she said she was just going to do it right there in the polling booth. We monitored her for a few hours – we even helped her do a provisional ballot, which she hated – but couldn’t keep her. I’m really worried about how people in her position are going to take this nonviolent victory at the ballot box. She was so psyched to shit in public.”

Trump campaign spokesman Stephen Cheung issued the following statement in response to supporters’ concerns.

“Following President Donald J. Trump’s landslide victory, now is the time to unite as Americans to MAGA,” said Cheung. “The President-elect wants Patriots to know that they will get to poop and also pee in public on top of things they disagree with very soon, as our fight to drain the swamp continues. I would remind the fake news media and radical leftists that President-elect Trump will soon pardon the January 6th hostages, among them some of the finest fecal freedom fighters in the conservative movement, and trust me when I say – it’s a huge movement.”

As of press time, Hall was planning on taking a dump on the local Postmaster’s car for agreeing to deliver mail-in ballots.

History Buff Excited to Experience What 1930s Germany Was Like

Posted on by Tim Graham

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. – Local World War II enthusiast Edward Spencer says he is looking forward to witnessing the rise of fascism unfold in real-time, horrified sources confirm.

“It’s pretty rare that you get an opportunity to watch a historical subject you’re heavily interested in play out before your eyes,” said Spencer. “There are so many details that get glossed over in histories of 1930s Germany that we’ll get to bear witness to. Like what symbol will they choose for the flags? Who’s going to design the uniforms? Will they use traditional trains to cart off their victims, or will they go with the Tesla Hyperloop? This isn’t an endorsement of fascism, of course—I just think it’s cool to be a witness to history as it happens!”

Spencer’s wife Abby is not pleased with where her husband’s hobby has taken him.

“I knew Ed’s obsession with World War II would lead to no good,” said Mrs. Spencer while she booked a flight to Canada. “He’s actually pretty liberal, but his desire to know what the rise of fascism was like led him to vote for Trump, despite my pleading. Now he’s as giddy as a schoolgirl, getting to see in person how a society falls to right-wing authoritarianism. Luckily I have a sister in Saskatchewan so that’s probably where the kids and I will wind up. I don’t even think he noticed me packing—he’s too consumed with his WWII Discord group and discussing parallels between Trump and Hitler and Vance and Eva Braun.”

Actual historian Philip Snow of American University is adamantly not excited about the country’s prospects.

“No, there’s no way to frame Trump’s re-election as a good thing,” said Professor Snow. “Even if it illuminates how such tragedies occur. Mr. Spencer and his ilk should’ve been satisfied with the many books, podcasts and documentaries that are available on the topic. There’s no need to experience actual fascism in order to understand it. Now real historians like myself will be castigated by future generations for not doing more to prevent this. Listen, jackasses: I did everything I could. Year after year I warned students about the dangers of this shit. But apparently it’s no match for far-right adolescent Kick streamers and Nazis on X.”

At press time, Spencer had attempted to sign his sons up for the newly formed Trump Youth organization, though he was unable to locate his wife or children anywhere.

Man With $90,000 Chevy Pickup Accuses Cybertruck Owner of Being Ridiculous

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND, Va. — Trey Bollinger, proud owner of a $91,273 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD, accused Tesla Cybertruck owners of being “totally fucking ridiculous,” confirmed sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses.

“I can’t imagine how big of an asshole you have to be just to walk into a Tesla dealership and agree to give half of your paycheck a month for a vehicle that looks like it’s made of aluminum foil,” said Bollinger while filming the latest in a series of videos for his eight followers online. “Sure, I pay three-quarters of my paycheck a month for my pickup, but not one of these battery-powered ‘trucks’ will ever be taken off-road like I did that one time four years ago. They’re just junk, probably break down the second you get them near a gravel road. My friend Donnie said they’re pretty fast off the line, but we’ll see how fast they are after I get $5,000 together for a new turbocharger.”

Cybertruck owner Chad Westerlund is puzzled by the hate he receives on a near daily basis while driving his new vehicle around town.

“Man, people really fucking hate this thing. I’m not talking Ford vs Chevy, I’m talking real visceral hate,” said Westerlund while plugging his truck into a free public charging station. “A guy in a pickup yesterday told me to ‘go back to Russia.’ I quickly reminded him that Tesla Cybertrucks are made in Texas by a company owned by Donald Trump’s biggest cheerleader. We’re getting ridiculed by the pickup owners daily. I’m all for free speech, unless it’s used to attack me or Elon Musk personally.”

Salesman Martin Darling of Pitman Chevy still believes that sticking with American brands is the only way to go.

“This is not just about choosing a quality vehicle, this is about supporting your country by buying a product that is assembled of approximately 62% American-made parts,” said Darling before pausing to approve a 10-year loan for a used Chevy Traverse. “The trucks we sell have features that no Tesla vehicle could ever offer, like a 28-gallon fuel tank, custom installed MagnaFlow Exhaust, and dual DieHard Platinum series batteries for extra cranking amps. I don’t know what any of this actually means, but the pickup truck community is willing to spend top dollar the more buzzwords I use.”

At press time, pickup truck-owning sources claimed that plugging in a Cybertruck to charge it was absolutely ridiculous while forking over $150 to fill up their gas tanks.

Deal Alert! This Man On Craigslist Is Giving Out Free Massages

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s time we start to take better care of ourselves. We walk around with tense muscles that affect our blood circulation, stress, and proper posture. Many of us are still recovering from injuries and genetic issues that require physical therapy, but these ailments go untreated for years. These problems don’t have to be ignored if you look in the right places.

Thankfully we are finally able to bring you a solution. Craigslist still offers plenty of great deals. You have photographers offering free photo shoots to aspiring nude models, fancy high rise apartments sold cheap for people willing to send over their social security numbers, and to many people’s surprise, free physical therapy as well.

This altruistic man doesn’t seem to have a name, just a cryptic email address, and a poorly lit selfie where his face is obscured by Oakley sunglasses and a poorly maintained goatee. Not only is he providing free massages, but the description states that he is looking to test out new techniques to anyone who is open-minded! This is clearly an expert who knows more than the average masseuse! He also appears to be a teacher as well because he said he will be streaming the session online as well. Where was this guy after we drove our car into Lubbock Pond and fucked up our back?

The average going rate for a massage is about $90, and that doesn’t include a tip. This man is saving you a hundred dollars per visit! You still should tip him regardless as he is such a good samaritan for helping people in pain find relief. He clearly also needs the money because he has to perform the services from his studio apartment. But that’s what happens when you put volunteering over profits. As a society we could do so much better, this is a man who should not live in squalor, but should be able to provide his massages comfortably from his beachside home.

We can almost guarantee that the shadowy forces behind “Big Massage” are going to try to shut this man down. We recommend everyone act fast and receive a free massage while they still can. Act now by messaging anything labeled “—★FReE M@sSAGes★–” on your local Craigslist website.

Are these kinds of services also on Facebook Marketplace? Who knows, only weirdos go on that crap of a website now.

Alanis Morissette Updates “Ironic” to Include Line About How the Only Hot Member of Limp Bizkit Wears a Mask

Posted on by John Danek

OTTAWA, Ontario — Beloved ‘90s singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette updated her classic song “Ironic” to highlight the absurdity that the only attractive member of Limp Bizkit, guitarist Wes Borland, frequently wears masks or face paint, her record label announced.

“I was chilling on the couch watching Rig Rundown videos when I saw Wes Borland’s face for the first time- dude is a fuckin’ dime piece! It’s a crime against humanity that he wears a mask,” opined Morissette, who last updated a song to add reference to texting via Motorola Razr into “Hand in my Pocket.” “Let’s just say the irony was not lost on me. All performances moving forward will contain the line, and the song will be re-recorded. And I swear to God if you little shits start saying that this isn’t ironic either, I’ll cut you.”

Borland, longtime masked guitarist of nu metal stalwarts Limp Bizkit, was apparently taken aback by the shoutout.

“This song is making my life really weird really quickly. Now I have a bunch of Gen-Xers sending me messages asking if I want to come over for some ‘Murphy Brown and chill,’” said Borland, who for years struggled with the image of being Limp Bizkit’s token talented member. “I had all my locks changed on my house, and I’m having all my masks changed just for safe measure. I’m filing a restraining order. And Fred has been supportive by sending me demos of Alanis diss tracks. They are heinously offensive, and none of them could be released after the year 2003. But it’s the thought that counts.”

People Magazine, creators of the annual Sexiest Man Alive feature, offered their thoughts on the hunks of the nu metal genre.

“Nu metal dudes are generally ugly as fuck, so when a genuine looker comes around we take notice,” stated Kelly Bloom, editor-in-chief of People Magazine. “Our list of the sexiest nu metal musicians was short lived from 1999-2001. Wes Borland topped it every time, followed by Wayne Static. No one could resist those locks. After that, it was pretty slim pickings. I dare you to try to write a convincing blurb about how you want to fuck Munky from Korn or the flat earther from Deftones. It’s impossible.”

Fellow singer-songwriter titan Tracy Chapman is rumored to be considering updating her hit “Fast Car” with a line about how thankful she is to not be riding in a Cybertruck.

Masked Militia Member Harassing Voters in Line at Polling Location Forgot Where He Parked His Squad Car

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PEORIA, Ill. — A masked member of a local militia who was harassing people waiting in line to vote embarrassingly forgot where he left his state trooper squad car, sources who were only there for the “I Voted” stickers report.

“So I was at the polling station at the VFW hall and getting all in everyone’s faces and ‘suggesting’ it would be in their best interests to vote for Trump. When I was done and feeling good about myself I went to leave but forgot where I parked my squad car… I mean regular car that is not at all for a state official,” said [Officer] Joe Grannings. “That car is like a company car and I need to find it otherwise my cap… boss is going to be really mad at me.”

Some of those who were waiting to vote say that despite the fact the man was wearing a mask and camouflage tactical gear it was quite clear he was a member of law enforcement.

“It was painfully obvious to all of us that he was a cop. At one point while he was screaming in this old woman’s face and chest lunging at her his badge fell out of his pocket. Then when I laughed he told me I was ‘committing a 602’,” said Jennifer Rafael. “He also was having a hard time keeping his eyes off the doughnuts the poll workers had inside. Dead giveaway.”

Jared Duluth says he and his fellow poll workers noticed the militia member causing trouble and decided to call the police to deal with it only to see the man leave and return wearing a uniform.

“We all noticed that quasi-military-looking guy was out there causing a disturbance so we called the cops. I saw the guy answer something on his walkie-talkie and then he left and came back a few minutes later dressed as a state trooper but was still wearing his ‘3-percenter’ hat,” said Duluth. “He asked us to describe the individual and when we gave him the description of exactly what the cop looked like he said ‘Sounds like we’re looking for a super good-looking hero whose daddy definitely went to all his little league games as a young boy.’”

At press time, the man who had switched back to his militia outfit had found his squad car and drove it past the polling line while yelling out the window “Whoa, this is so crazy that the keys to my normal car work on this cop car, right?”

Trump Makes Final Appeal to Voters “If You Don’t Vote For Me I’ll Fucking Kill You”

Posted on by Bill Conway

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for me I’ll fucking kill you,” confirmed multiple witnesses thirsty for blood.

“Today is the big day, people. What a day it is, time to go out there and vote for the future of our great country. I want everyone out there to know, and I’m dead serious when I say this, some people think I’m joking around, but I’m not. If you do not vote for Donald. J. Trump then I personally murder you with my bare hands,” said Trump. “If that communist, low IQ, son of a bitch Santa Claus can deliver gifts to millions of children in one night, then surely I am capable of killing just as many people in cold blood all because they voted against me. I might beat some people with a club, I might strangle others while watching the light drain from their eyes, all I know is the only way to be safe is to make sure I have your vote.”

Die-hard Trump supporters offered their help to the former president.

“This is a big job and President Trump should not have to do this alone. The pigs in my town confiscated three of my guns, but they don’t know I still have at least 15 more and enough ammo to last me until the Rapture,” said Georgia resident Clive Thelen. “If my president needs help killing radical liberals then it is my duty to serve by his side and exact justice on anyone that participated in this rigged democratic system. All he needs to do is tell me which way to aim and I’ll take care of the rest. God is on our side.”

Members of the media were quick to downplay Trump’s threats.

“This is just Trump being Trump. Despite his repeated assurances that he isn’t joking, and a 20-minute demonstration of different ways he intends on killing people, it’s pretty clear this is all just hyperbole,” said CNN anchor Jim Acosta. “What we need right now is to hear from the Harris campaign. We need her to stand up as a leader and tell the people how she will prevent voters from being murdered at the hands of President Trump, if she can’t do that then it will be tough for her to get to 270 Electoral College votes.”

At press time, Trump was being shown on a live feed repeatedly pointing at the camera and making the throat slash hand gesture.

Fuck! I Sent Postcards Encouraging People to Vote and All of Them Voted for Howie Mandel

Posted on by Joe Matheson

There is power in sending out postcards to encourage people to vote. They say in 2020 the number of postcards sent out in some swing states significantly affected the election. Considering the incredibly close race that the media wants us to believe, I decided to do my part and turn my election postcard writing into a passion. I spent months drafting encouraging words to go out and vote, as well as hosting multiple postcard-writing parties that had a ton of energy and contribution. In all, I am proud to say that I wrote a grand total of 1,973 postcards!

So it came as a massive shock to me and the rest of the world that those postcard recipients all voted for comedian and TV personality Howie Mandel.

As I watched the election results roll in, a significant number of people from Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Georgia wrote in Mandel. 1,973 people to be exact! I was appalled. CNN anchors couldn’t explain how this occurred. Jesse Waters couldn’t stop laughing and quoted “Bobby’s World” for way longer than anyone cared for.

I’m not sure how this could have happened. In none of my postcards did I ever say anything about Howie Mandel. I obviously talked about the main candidates and the most pressing issues facing our country. There was one night when I wrote 476 postcards that said “Voting is as easy as hitting a buzzer. You might be the deciding factor. Go fill out your ‘Golden Ballot’” and another night where I said “Vote Harris. I promise she’s not bullshitting you like Trump.” Maybe there was some subliminal messaging when I told people “America’s got talent, and Trump is trying to stifle it.” Anyway, I think I got my point across.

I just hope my efforts don’t swing the election.

Reflecting, I should have known better about the national electorate and their affinity towards mid-2000s game show hosts. I don’t think that people realize that Howie isn’t even American. I guess I did see a shirt the other day saying “If a felon can run for president, so can a Canadian.” Ugh, maybe I should have just been more blunt and just put down things like “Kamala = Deal, Donald = No Deal.”

Opinion: I Destroyed a Bunch of Ballot Drop Boxes So No One Can Interfere in this Election

Posted on by Bobby Korec

This is the most important election in our lifetime and I’ll be damned if every vote isn’t counted fair and square and for the side that I want to win.

According to my independent research my family just keeps referring to as “confirmation bias,” voter fraud is rampant in this country. That’s why we need heroes like me who can push over a ballot drop box, rough it up with a baseball bat, and then light the contents of it on fire. All for the sake of democracy.

Last election, we saw a record turnout of fake voters. I heard there could have been as many as 14 incidents of fraud throughout the entire nation. That doesn’t sound like a lot on the surface, but I’m sure it’s enough to sway the Electoral College and plunge our country into abject tyranny of which the world has never seen before.

Sure, is voter fraud extremely rare according to so-called reputable news sources and probably not worth the five-year prison sentence you get if you’re caught? No one knows for sure. But is it a problem for which everyday civilians should take matters into their own hands and stop anyone who tries to vote through a technically legal method? Hell yes.

And it’s surprisingly easy to take down a ballot drop box. I eliminated a good six before lunch while eight beers deep. At this rate, I can single-handedly put an end to voter fraud and even voter suppression. No one should be allowed to vote unless it is through a means that I personally approve of.

Besides, voting was a whole lot simpler when we had to go to an elementary school and stand in line for five hours to cast our ballot on a machine that was invented in like 1920 and hasn’t been enhanced in any capacity whatsoever since. Even the little lever and curtain mechanism makes the patriotism feel more real.

After all, destroying ballot drop boxes is what the Founding Fathers would’ve wanted. I would know as someone who once skimmed the first few paragraphs of the Constitution.

Friend Who Doesn’t Care About Politics Only Watching Election Coverage for the Commercials

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

PORTLAND, Maine — Local apolitical friend Bryce Flowers admitted that he is only watching the 2024 election coverage for the commercials, confirmed sources who were ashamed to say they were doing the same.

“Yeah, I don’t know anything about politics-ball, but I can’t wait to see the new Doritos’ commercial. I heard Paul Rudd is going to be in it this year. That guy elevates every corporate advertisement,” said Flowers while giving a standing ovation after watching an ad for Progressive car insurance. “There was a pretty great Geico one earlier. It had a camel walking around an office asking people what day it was because he wanted everyone to say it’s hump day. You know, since camels have humps. I mean, how do they come up with stuff? Truly Hemingway-esque advertising writers at Geico. Anyway, I’m not even sure who’s playing this year in the election. I just hope it’s a good match.”

Friends of Flowers wondered why they invited him to their watch party in the first place.

“Bryce was more excited about seeing Jake From State Farm on screen than Wolf Blitzer. I kind of get that part, but still,” said longtime friend Anna Gregerson. “This is the most important election of our lifetime or until the next one and this guy is more interested in hearing a narrator who sounds like Tom Selleck recite the side effects of Cialis. It’s like he thinks he’s better than everyone by not caring. Deep down, I’m almost jealous of his civic apathy, but on the other hand, he’s getting a little too pumped for a Rocket Mortgage ad. I do not want to be that dense.”

Experts believed news networks were planning to cater more to the politically inept demographic.

“The presidential election is the Super Bowl of politics,” said media strategist Lilly Tulane. “Media outlets are even considering adding an election halftime show to appeal to the governmentally uninterested. MSNBC is already thinking ahead and has revealed that Usher is scheduled to play their election halftime show in 2028. It’s going to be a ratings bonanza.”

At press time, Flowers was seen completely zoned out on his phone as Anderson Cooper called results for New Hampshire on television.