Poser Cannibal Corpse Fan Using Dating App Instead of Cemetery To Find Romantic Partner

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WHEELING, W.V. – Supposed Cannibal Corpse fan Gary Morgan is allegedly using a dating app to find a new romantic partner instead of perusing his local cemetery, offended sources scoffed.

“I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I’m trying to get back into the dating scene to find somebody new,” Morgan said. “I downloaded OkCupid, so fingers crossed that it works out and I’m able to connect with someone. Death metal is a big part of my life, and Cannibal Corpse is my favorite band, so of course I mentioned that in the ‘About Me’ section. I gotta say though, when I mentioned this on Instagram I got a bunch of weird comments calling me a fake fan. Not sure what that’s all about.”

Morgan’s friend and fellow Cannibal Corpse fan Octavia Grandview was disgusted to hear of Morgan’s dating approach.

“I nearly fell over when I heard what Gary was doing,” Grandview reported. “Everybody knows a true Cannibal Corpse fan would find a new partner by skulking into a cemetery after closing hours and digging up a fresh grave. I’ve known him for years and I thought it was a given that he understood this. Is Gary even a fan? I mean, we just blasted ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ in its entirety during a recent trip to visit a friend, but it’s obvious he didn’t get the message. I’m going to have to sit down and talk with him about the effects of poserdom on our friendship.”

Cannibal Corpse lead singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher wasn’t shy about providing his take on the situation.

“I thought it was common knowledge that our fanbase is not to be composed of people with living romantic partners,” Fisher mentioned while struggling to maintain hold of the dozens of stuffed animals he had recently won from a claw vending machine. “I guess I was just being naïve in assuming all of my listeners were either single or in relationships with festering corpses. If this Morgan guy has the nerve to show up to one of my shows, I’m going to have to jump into the crowd and beat the shit out of him. I’ve done it before, and I’ll fucking do it again.”

At press time, Morgan had matched with a poser Bolt Thrower fan who wasn’t using Warhammer 40K meetups to find a new partner.

Opinion: This Country Needs Less Weak-Ass Pop Shit, and More 3 Doors Down

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

It’s no secret that popular music has become completely pussified. I recently asked my teenage nephew what bands he likes, and he brought up some teeny boppers called “Mr. Beats” and “Hack Too.” Pretty pathetic considering that not too long ago, if you turned on your radio you were putting yourself at risk of getting your shit rocked by the hardest band to ever break into the Top 40—3 Doors Down.

Bands like 3 Doors Down brought an edge to the culture that the squares quickly realized they just couldn’t handle. Before they showed up, it was all songs about partying, breakups, and hitting babies. They changed it up by being the first band to sing about being an outwardly strong but internally tortured man who deserves the unwavering support of a woman, no matter how emotionally distant he is. Can you name any other band that wrote a song in the early 2000s about how goddamn hard it is to be Superman?

I think most people don‘t realize that there isn’t anything that sounds like 3 Doors Down. I recently went on a date where after spending 20 minutes explaining how 3DD ripped onto the scene in early aughts, she asked if I also liked Matchbox Twenty. Why would I listen to an “adult contemporary” band? Does “You love me, but you don’t know who I am” sound like a lyric a fucking adult contemporary band would write?

This is not to say I’m a heartless monster. I appreciate a love song, but it had better hit me harder than my ex-wife’s personal trainer after I caught him in bed with her. For example, when another girl I was going out with for about 3 weeks went to Europe, I thought I’d do something nice. I sent her a video of me singing “Here Without You”, and she responded by saying she was staying in Dijon for 3 months. I think she broke it off because she couldn’t handle how fucking dark my music taste is.

From the inauguration of President Donald Trump, to the “Walmart Sounds of the Summer” Stage at the Pomona County Fair, 3 Doors Down is constantly breaking the conventions of popular music with their raw alpha mindset. If America wasn’t run by pussies, I wouldn’t be the only person actively listening to them and not just hearing “When I’m Gone” when it plays on a PA in a 24-hour pharmacy.

Punk Who Won $50 Scratch Off Promises Not to Let Money Change Him

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SAEGERTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Brian McFee assured everyone that his newfound wealth would have no impact on his worldview after winning $50 in a ‘Jumbo Bucks’ scratch-off, perplexed sources reported.

“Now that I’m flush, everyone thinks I’m going to start acting all hoity-toity and shit,” the unemployed McFee stated while panhandling outside a coffee shop. “But I feel like I’m going to keep the same down-to-earth persona I’ve always had. I’ll still dumpster dive outside the Acme and hit up the ‘for free’ bin at Goodwill. Sure, I might switch from Keystone to Yuengling, but you can still approach me like always — even though I’m rolling in it. Just don’t think because I’m rich now I’m going to lend you money. I help those who help themselves.”

Friends offered a more sobering and blunt assessment of McFee’s new financial situation when reached for comment.

“$50? That’s $35 after taxes at best, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about,” remarked acquaintance Jason Slater. “That scumbag still owes me gas money for every time I’ve had to drive his sorry ass to court hearings, so if he wants to do anything with that cash, maybe he should start paying back some of the friends he’s been mooching off of all these years. Honestly, I’d like money to change him, maybe he’ll be more responsible and stop asking me to pay for his food every time his card gets declined at Sheetz.”

Still, financial experts remark that for some sects of society, any influx of income can be viewed as wealth given their situation.

“For some, particularly children or those on the fringes of society, $50 can be seen as abundant wealth,” noted financial advisor Carrie Park. “If you go through life never paying for drinks or meals and constantly crashing on people’s couches, your overhead costs are decidedly low and therefore $50 could be viewed as an influx of capital. For people like McFee, however, rather than this money being used to help provide some semblance of financial security or settling up with one of the many bars he still has outstanding tabs with, it’s likely going towards new guitar strings or a keg for whatever house he’s currently squatting in.”

At press time, McFee was running a tab up at a local dive bar, blissfully unaware the entirety of his winnings had been garnished by the state for unpaid traffic tickets.

Nation’s White Progressives Excited By Amount of Diversity in Who They Can Blame for Election Outcome

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PORTLAND, Ore. — White progressive voters across the country announced they were excited by how many different races, genders, and ethnicities they can blame for Donald Trump’s return to power, confirmed multiple extremely online sources.

“In 2016 all I was doing was blaming rich white men or poor white men. It got old really fast. You can only post about how uneducated whites are setting us backward so many times before you burn out,” said second-hand gift card boutique owner River Boon. “Now I can blame Latinos, Arab Americans, Black men, and not to mention all the women. It’s beautiful to see. People have called me out of touch, people have called me racist, but it’s not my fault they have no idea what is best for them. They should subscribe to my Substack for weekly musings, poetry, and my thoughts on current events. Then they might actually learn a thing or two.”

Guillermo Chavez, a Latino who voted for Trump, says he is tired of being told how to think.

“I’ve spent most of my adult life voting for Democrats, it got me nothing. I had family members deported, my pay hasn’t gone up, but inflation has, and my taxes are going to foreign wars I want nothing to do with. All I’m trying to do is make sure my rent is paid and my kids are fed, I’d love to buy a house someday. But home prices are insane, but I guess we can’t blame Democrats for that,” said Chavez. “I’m not optimistic Trump will make anything better, but I can’t imagine a world where he makes things worse. My life is already endless toil with no hope for the future, but I’d love to thank all the white people with trust funds who are trying to make me feel bad.”

Cultural anthropologist Adam Bowers believes the most privileged people often have the hardest time empathizing with people outside their bubble.

“We surveyed over 10,000 young white men and women and found that respondents were far more likely to be outraged by the election results if their dad still pays their rent and their car insurance. These people were also more likely to blame minority communities for voting for Trump, while posting glowing Instagram Story posts about their Trump-voting father and how he ‘taught them everything they know,’” said Bowers. “This cognitive dissonance needs to be studied. We need to finally figure out how these people can keep their thoughts to compartmentalized.”

At press time, the nation’s progressive white voters announced plans to blindly support whichever candidate Democrats put forward in 2028.

J.D. Vance Makes History as the First Openly “Extremely Unsettling to Be Around” Vice President

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — Vice President-elect J.D. Vance made history earlier this week when he became the first person to hold the office who is extremely unsettling to be around and genuinely unpleasant to have a conversation with, multiple sources confirmed.

“People have told me all my life ‘Get away from me,’ ‘Please stop talking,’ and ‘Don’t make me call the cops’ whenever I engage in conversation with them. Now I’ll be their Vice President, and they will have to talk to me, or I’ll put them in jail,” said Vance without blinking. “I mean, it’s crazy, I’m just an average guy from a small town who used to torture the cats in my neighborhood, set fires, and read to my mother while she showered. This administration is going to be about change. I’m going to oversee all the security agencies and find out once and for all if they are spying on Americans through the cameras on their laptops.”

Social pariahs across the country were elated to see Vance elected to such a high office.

“As soon as Pennsylvania was called I started DMing a few girls I went to high school with and told them I’m going to be sleeping outside their window tonight, and if they hear anyone whispering, it’s just me whispering Kid Rock lyrics to myself while pulling out the hairs on my leg one by one,” said local weirdo Trip Hutton. “My biggest hope for this administration is lowering the price of groceries at the gas station I shop at. Monster drinks are so expensive I can only afford to drink five or six a day. And the beef jerky by the register is just for special occasions now.”

Historians say there have been a lot of slightly awkward Vice Presidents through the years, but Vance is the most off-putting yet.

“Al Gore was considered stiff, colleagues of his say if you tried joking with him he would stand as still as a statue and say ‘jokes are the candy of the soul’ and grind everything to a halt. But it was harmless,” said Dr. Anna Petrero, a Professor of History at UCLA. “Of course some people will say William R. King was a total oddball, a lifelong bachelor who loved powdered wigs, but unfortunately he got sick and died only a few weeks of taking office. So nobody really talked ill of him at the time, I do hope Mr. Vance follows a similar timeline.”

At press time, Vice President-elect Vance announced plans to pass legislation that women can no longer flush the toilet until he gets a look inside.

Woman Horrified to Learn the “Fur Baby” Her Date Keeps Referring to Is His Braided Goatee

Posted on by Kyle Donley

APPLETON, Wis. — Local woman Allyson Boyle was completely turned off after discovering that her date Doug Innis referred to his braided goatee as a “fur baby,” confirmed sources who couldn’t get the check faster.

“I don’t normally date guys who look like they were the bass player of a nu metal band in 2002, but he was seemingly so passionate about animals that I was smitten. I was having trouble understanding what kind of pet he had though,” Boyle explained. “He kept talking about how his fur baby loved getting pets from strangers but that it also had a very pungent smell that could be off-putting. That’s when he dipped that gross 12-inch chin beard into a bowl of corn chowder and said ‘baby’s hungry.’ But hey, at least he didn’t say he had a pet tarantula. I would’ve fled the scene immediately.”

Innis, for what it’s worth, considered this to be one of the better dates he’s been on since going hog wild with facial hair.

“As a fur daddy, dating can be complicated,” Innis expressed. “I’ve found that most women don’t actually like fur babies, even though their dating profiles clearly state otherwise. And yet they’re all obsessed with dogs too, it’s weird. Dogs are kinda gross and you can’t even braid their hair. Believe me, I once tried on an Afghan Hound and it nearly ripped my goatee square off of my face. How dare that thing mess with my precious facial offspring.”

Their waiter, Kenny Ahearn, was one of the many bystanders grossed out by their date.

“There used to be a time when you couldn’t eat in a restaurant with a braided goatee. And for good reason. After all, this is a nice restaurant, Edward Norton’s stunt double eats here,” said Ahearn. “Like, I’m glad they have their rights and protections now, but this is what happens when you leave your fur baby all exposed like that. I’m a fur daddy too but I keep that shit underneath my nose where it should be. My fur baby mustache is too dear to me to leave it so out in the open and vulnerable to the elements.”

At press time, Innis forgot to mention that he also has several cats that he considers his fur pets.

Opinion: While the Music Video for Sisqó’s “The Thong Song” Was Enjoyable, It Did Not Do the Novel Justice

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We hear it all the time when a literary classic is put to film: “I enjoyed it, but the movie was so much better.” Even the biggest exemplars of cinematic excellence fail to capture the scope, depth, and beauty of their literary counterparts. Films such as “Gone with the Wind,” “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and “The Grapes of Wrath” are all brilliant works of art that sadly fit into this category. While my lack of desire to add to this list leaves me loath to write this, I simply must express my belief that, having revisited the music video for Sisqó’s “The Thong Song” after 24 years, it simply does not do the novel justice.

Back in 2000, when Sisqó announced the upcoming music video based on his 1999 novel “The Thong Song,” I was eager to see the brilliance of that homage to 19th Century Romanticism put to film, but was largely disappointed in the result. Where were the sprawling Nottinghamshire moors detailed so exquisitely in the book? The shocking juxtaposition in moral orders between the Corning and Henshaw estates?

This isn’t to say the adaptation was a complete loss. I was blown away by the scene portraying scantily-clad women playing beach volleyball, which I understood as a subtle nod to the back-and-forth letters penned by Wilkie and the widow Henshaw at the onset of their tragically doomed love affair in Act 1, and Sisqó’s dyed-white hair adeptly points to the snow adorning the hillside as Adelia rushes to halt their union. I simply feel the direction of the video ultimately went off course a little too hastily for my tastes.

Throughout the video, there’s little mention of the titular “thong song” sung by the forlorn Perry Corning after breaking the fastening on his favorite horsewhip, seen by the reader as an allegory for the ruined ties between the two houses. The “dun-nuh, dun-nuh” portion of Sisqó’s chorus references the sound of Corning’s approaching horse which so excited Catherine up until she tragically succumbed to scarlet fever, but the similarities seem to end there.

With all that being said, please do not let me stop you from rewatching the music video. It acts as a perfectly serviceable representation of the superb tale on which it is based. Its greatest sin is simply that, if you’ll forgive the hackneyed phrasing, it stands on the shoulders of a giant. Just know that you will surely be better off opening the printed work and losing yourself in Sisqó’s astonishingly immersive world of passion and intrigue all over again.

House Show Becomes Basement Show After Sinkhole Opens Beneath Living Room

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — A lineup of bands playing at popular punk house Chalet Cretin has been quickly re-billed as a “basement show” after a sinkhole suddenly opened up beneath the living room, injured attendees have reported.

“There’s no need to call 911 and put the kibosh on the fun, it’s just an extremely quick change of scenery caused by the domino effect of never clearing my gutters or checking for groundhogs. Besides, we’ve got like nine bands to go and it wouldn’t be fair to them if we canceled the show just because someone is trapped underneath the rubble,” said house owner Hank Paulson. “Look–we can sit here and cry about everyone’s grievous injuries, or we can point some flashlights into the gaping chasm that was once my living room and fucking party. Besides, I got a semi-famous band to play tonight and I’ll look like an asshole if we cancel the show.”

Members of hardcore band Britney Sneers, who were in the middle of their set when the floor collapsed, were surprised the damage wasn’t worse.

“Classic Hank, trying to spin this as a venue change and not an infrastructure fuck up. These floors have always groaned and creaked louder than the music, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. He’s just lucky our gear was already half busted up to begin with, or this would be ten times worse,” said lead singer Bea Richardson. “Not gonna lie though, the acoustics down are way better if you ignore the people screaming in agony. The biggest challenge now is waiting for EMS to come and help lift these Marshall stacks out of this hole.”

Scene veteran “Jackknife” Lewis commended Paulson for not letting a natural disaster interrupt a good time.

“Gotta hand it to Hank for sticking to ‘the show must go on’ credo. Nowadays I see bitch-ass showrunners cancel gigs before you can finish your first beer over some light rain, but this was a genius move on his part to rebrand the second the floor gave way,” said Lewis. “Real punks don’t let something like a cave-in stop them. Last year my buddy’s house burned down and he still had three bands play in the charred remains hours later. Called it the ‘Phoenix Festival.’ So casualties aside, tonight was a pretty good show.”

Later, Paulson was forced to alter the event title to an “acoustic show” after Jackknife windmill kicked an exposed power line.

Harris Campaign Disappointed By Lack of Turnout Amongst Dead Voters

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Members of the Kamala Harris campaign admit they were deeply troubled by the complete lack of dead people voting in this year’s election, a constituency they truly depended on, sources confirm.

“We thought we had the corpse vote locked up after Jimmy Carter endorsed Kamala, but they just did not show up on election day. We had shuttle busses parked outside of graveyards across the country to bring them to the polls, but not a single dead person emerged from their tomb to cast their vote,” said Harris campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodriguez. “We know dead voters are a particularly strong voting block because most dead people have a favorable view of Democrats. They got to see Democratic leaders be champions of the working class, and fight for civil rights. Unfortunately, most alive voters don’t see Democrats the same way.”

Simon Grooms, a lifelong gravedigger, wasn’t surprised by the undead community’s low turnout.

“Once them bodies are in the ground they tend to stay there. Thought I saw a zombie in the graveyard once, turns out it was just some teenagers trying to find a private place to play around with each other’s wet spots,” said Grooms. “Now listen up, if that Harris woman wanted votes she should have tried to appeal to the werewolves. Plenty of them around, yup, see them all the time. Running around, biting joggers and howling at the moon. But Democrats turned their backs on cryptids long ago, darn shame.”

Political strategist Ari Spencer believes Harris should have focused much more on alive voters and their grievances.

“When your base tells you they are upset about an active genocide it might be best to listen and not silence them. It’s also probably in your best interest to appeal to the working class as opposed to the corporate class, but nobody at the DNC seems to want to heed that advice,” said Spencer. “I did some research and discovered that people who died before any voting started made up 0% of the votes in 2020, and in 2016 it was also 0%. It’s always been 0%, because they are dead.”

At press time, Harris and her team admitted they were disappointed by President Biden’s record number of deportations, believing that those people were solidly Democrat.

DNC Announces Plans to Learn Nothing from This

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — The leaders of the Democratic National Committee announced they plan to learn absolutely nothing from their embarrassing loss to President-elect Donald Trump, multiple sources confirmed.

“We learned a lot this time around. The most important takeaway from all of this is that we have to stay the course. In 2028 we plan to put forward the most disliked candidate yet. The primary process will probably be truncated, maybe we will skip it altogether. It all depends on what our biggest corporate donors want,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “But we can’t do this without raising money. If you thought our fundraising efforts were annoying before, you haven’t seen anything yet. We also want to congratulate our friends in the Republican party, they played a great game and we can’t wait to work with them more.”

Lisa Fouts, a reluctant member of the Democrat party, is not sure what to do from here.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be an easy win. Trump is a felon, a rapist, and he’s legitimately losing his mind. But no, the DNC fucked everything up at every level. They just assumed people would vote their way despite doing nothing for years, it makes me want to puke,” said Fouts. “The DNC already sent an email with the subject line ‘Shame On You’ and it said I didn’t send them enough money to get them to win. Then they sent a follow up email that called me a ‘spoiled child’ and then left me a voicemail saying they are going to kick my dog if I even consider looking into a third part candidate.”

Republican National Committee Chair Michael Whatley is excited to see his colleagues at the DNC make the same mistakes over and over.

“For the past few months everyone was talking about how the Trump campaign was floundering and how Harris had all the momentum, but I was never in doubt,” said Whatley. “I saw how the DNC ignored voters, I saw how they talked down to people, and that just made my job easy. I go in and say ‘Democrats think you’re dumb, but Republicans think you’re a genius’ and these dopes eat it up like the slop they feed their pigs. It’s going to be really fun to see them dust off the same exact playbook next time around, I already have two copies of it, I use one to even out the table in my kitchen, and the other I use the pages to pick up my dogs shit in the yard.”

Harrison followed his remarks with an email to registered Democrats hoping to quell criticism of the party’s current trajectory.

“To all those growing skeptical of this party’s strategies and overall agenda, let me just say we hear you loud and clear. Rest assured we will be doing everything short of interpreting that sound into words and responding to those words in any way shape or form.”

At press time, DNC board members announced they will be prepping Hilary Clinton for a historic 2028 run.