CHICAGO — The nation’s screen and novel horror writers resolved to continue killing every single dog that is unfortunate enough to make its way into their stories, visibly upset sources reported.
“The official plan of this country’s writers is to continue needlessly including dogs as ancillary elements in our plots solely for the purpose of being killed off in a way that alerts the main characters to the peril of their situations,” said Corbin Hartz, spokesperson for the National Alliance of Horror Writers. “Their deaths, while completely predictable, will nonetheless be traumatic experiences for the consumers of our content who can’t stomach the thought of harm befalling our canine friends. If we could’ve killed five dogs in ‘The Babadook’ instead of just the one we absolutely would have.”
Horror fan Ashley Herbert expressed dismay at the writers’ decision.
“It’s getting increasingly more difficult to reconcile my love of dogs with my love of horror,” Herbert offered as she dried the tear stains off her copy of “Cunning Folk” by Adam Nevill. “I couldn’t give less of a shit if a human is killed in a movie or book, but the second something happens to a dog I just fall apart. One of my favorite movies is ‘The Thing,’ and I’ve only seen the kennel scene once. I always fast-forward through it on my rewatches. Every time there’s a dog in something, I just have to brace myself for its imminent death.”
Writer and fictional dog-killing master Stephen King weighed in on the situation.
“I applaud the Alliance’s decision to continue the storied tradition of killing off K-9 pets in our stories for no reason,” King stated. “Ever since I included the traveling salesman kicking a dog to death in ‘The Dead Zone,’ I knew I had stumbled into my niche of torturing readers who were just looking for a good horror read. I’ve been pleased to see other writers continue in this vein, and when I see a dog in a horror movie, I know it’s just a matter of time before the poor thing runs off-screen in a heartbreaking attempt to protect its master, with its distant, echoed yelp of pain alerting the viewer to its demise. It warms my heart every time.”
At press time, the nation’s horror video game creators announced plans to continue putting the player in situations in which they must shoot dogs to progress the storyline.
You thought I was going to mention Jelly Beans, didn’t you? Surprise! Reagan eats shit. Literally, he is into scat porn. Human feces, caught in between those smiling pearly whites. The dementia somehow helps him, fuels him. Spoonfed occasionally by Nancy, but mostly devouring with his face pressed into a ramekin, hunched over a table in the Oval Office. He can often be heard yelling “Tear down this wall!” in any White House bathroom, mostly because he wants to get his hands on that sweet delicious human shit on the other side.
“It begins with a B and it don’t get better!” That’s Buchanan’s phrase about his own disgusting Mukbang stream: 24/7 butter. Butter sculptures. Butter cannons. Butter smoothies. You’ll never want to ingest the churned cream, ever again. James eats so much butter that he regularly passes out on camera and awakes in a pool of soft half-vomited butter, only to slop it down for the next hour of Mukbang content. Like life itself, it is a disgusting endless cycle.
Watch the bankrupt felon smear ketchup over his steak, a true connoisseur of fine-dining. Most videos featuring Trump see him complimenting the steak, prodding at it with suggestive fingers. He refuses utensils; like all matters of business and sexual assault, Trump prefers to be “hands on.” In true Trump fashion, he occasionally outsources the video, only to critique the final product. On the feed are underpaid immigrants filling in for Trump, wearing masks with his face. Sometimes it’s Donnie and Eric, rough-housing in front of the live camera in their pajamas.
If you learn one thing from this entire list, let it be this: Nixon’s favorite meal was cottage cheese mixed with ketchup. Actual fact, feel free to look it up. What an absolute fucking monster. This food combination alone is enough to bring an impeachment inquiry against this human piece of shit. What sniveling coward invented this combination? How little dignity can you have for the world to know this? Put the scandal aside, I’d honestly consider jumping from a bridge if people knew cottage cheese and ketchup was my favorite meal. Tricky Dick ironically broadcasts live from the Watergate hotel, because nowadays “branding” and “ironic distance” are more important than being caught wiretapping the rooms of your enemies.
Fun fact about Woodrow Wilson: he hid grapes in his ass. He called them “My Soft Little Friends” and would sometimes leave social functions, returning with a mouthful of grapes (occasionally and playfully opening his mouth to display the contents). As such, Woodrow slowly unpeels and carefully eats his ass grapes live on camera for the entire world to “enjoy.” I suppose we’ll never know how truly stressful World War I was.
Catching pneumonia at your own inauguration, only to die from the same illness, means that Harrison’s Mukbang content is very limited – a slender library. In fact, they are mostly in .gif format. Filmed with bright colors to catch the eye, watch as Harrison sloppily spoons a hearty serving of squirrel and vegetable soup. Some of the short videos show squirrel meat prep, a video nobody wants. Perhaps it’s best that there is limited content here. His recipes for squirrel soup remain on Pinterest, though, for anyone interested.
Horsepiss Harry, that’s what everyone in school used to call him. The President that famously dropped the only wartime nuclear weapons continues his penchant for bronco urine well into old age. Harry’s Mukbang stream often begins with him rising up from below a horse after chugging a gallon of pony piss, topping off the foamy treat with some hay and walnuts. Truman’s stream is filmed live from a barnyard loft, perfect for easy access to that piping hot, deep golden equine pee.
Between spouts of racist remarks and casually emitting slurs on a livestream, Andrew is still feeding on the 1,400-pound wheel of cheddar cheese first introduced back at his Inaugural Ball. Stinking to the rafters with mold and mildew, the cheese block has considerable chunks clawed out of it, most from Old Hickory himself. Unfortunately since Andrew is mostly drunk during the stream, his ramblings are difficult to decipher (obfuscated further by the crumbling rotten cheese stuffed into his jaw). Believe it or not, Jackson’s Mukbang stream is particularly popular in certain regions of France and Alabama.
Don’t let the dull exteriors fool you. Ford usually has long rows of plated pot roast orders, with a red cabbage side. With his veiny gut hanging out, Ford stares into the camera the entire time, strings of meaty muscle flying into his thinning hair. The worst part is when he directly addresses the camera, speaking with a mouthful of pot roast. This can go on for hours, with Ford falling asleep in front of his handful of fans. Of course he always trips over his slop bucket when waking up in the morning. Classic Ford.
Live cows. William Howard Taft eats live cows on screen. It’s horrifying. Nobody knows how he is still allowed to have a channel. It is traumatizing to watch, even for a moment. The man crouches over several buckets, pulling apart bovine with his jaws and hands. The sounds, the wails. If there is someone you hate, send them the Taft Mukbang.
Perhaps the creepiest Mukbang stream of any President. Calvin doesn’t eat, only nibbling on an Altoid at the very end. Sometimes an almond. He doesn’t speak: it’s front-facing footage of him simply staring. Saying nothing, absolutely silent. The content is almost David Lynchian, the horror stream of a silver-haired soulless man simply staring the camera down. In fact, his nickname was “Silent Cal.” He got the idea for the livestream when he famously said at a dinner “You lose” after a woman bet she could get more than two words out of him. A notorious racist, Calvin’s words certainly became more colorful and peppered in private circles.
Though his state dinners are rare and relatively modest affairs, Pierce sticks to New England staples. But he goes absolutely gaga over fried clams. Like, his knees go weak and cum pours out of his eyeballs. Dude loves the stuff, he says he could eat fried clams as a midnight snack, an after-dinner mint or a pre-copulation bedside aphrodisiac. With his little clam bib and sailor outfit, Pierce tells the most fucking boring stories on his Mukbang, all between sucking down rows of fried clams.
LBJ famously could handle anything spicy. His Mukbang feed is almost a pain tolerance marathon. It begins with Mexican food dishes, elevating to deer sausage drizzled in Carolina Reaper pepper. Lyndon insists on standing during his Mukbang streams, his 6’4” frame filling the Texas roadhouse that he records in, red pepper and tears streaming down his sweat-stained pajamas. Despite the bucket of ulcers in his stomach, indigestion the size of Texas and the occasional sharting while live on camera, LBJ is actually fairly happy in his hot sauce heaven.
Cheeseburger pizzas. That was Dubya’s favorite snack. That’s right: beef, bacon, pickles, cheese, tomato, mustard and ketchup, all spread out on a pizza margherita. A deconstructed cheeseburger, laid bare on a pie. And you know what? This war criminal is a culinary genius. In between nibbles on his slices, Georgie loves to tell rambling stories somehow relating to patriotism and simultaneously paint horrifyingly banal portraits. When he hints at involvement during a certain 2001 “inside job,” he’s referring to an infamous bout of summer indigestion.
William McKinley likes chopped hot lobster on all sorts of food. In fact, watching his channel is almost unbearable. Hot lobster salads, hot lobster sundaes, hot lobster smoothies: he’s got a whole variety. Complete with his lobster bib and hot lobster sauce, McKinley calmly devours an entire aquarium before your very eyes.
Chester Arthur surprised everyone around him by taking to the carnivore diet. Specifically, he likes mutton chops. Throwing the bones aside into a gently-leaning pile, the 21st President lets the animal sinew fly everywhere as he tells long stories of his youth during the livestreams. Of course he’s wearing his branded “Nice to meat you” apparel.
The Mukbang content here might be for only those with a strong stomach. Garfield is keen on raw beef spread on stale bread. “Builds character,” he insists. Infamous for only serving 200 days in office before his assassination, we don’t really prod at the spectral existence of Presidents performing Mukbang online. We’re just happy to live in a world where it exists, even if it means seeing uncooked beef stuck between Garfield’s chompers.
Apple pancakes, or fried apples, seem to be the tray of choice for the Civil War hero. Nicknamed “Useless” as a kid, this trait carries over to his horrible livestream channel. With the camera blurry and often out of focus, Grant hasn’t seemed to grasp the basic needs of live-streaming, often asking his grandsons to help him while caked in gooey apple mash. Sometimes it’s just footage of his feet, which brings in a whole other online demographic.
Dwight had a famously insatiable appetite for his wife’s “Million Dollar Fudge.” What was the secret ingredient? Mamie Eisenhower went to the grave without telling, but many suspect breastmilk and cardamom. Dwight Eisenhower watches TV while gently licking fudge from a tray, like a dog treated for anxiety with a licking mat. It’s not the most exciting Mukbang stream, but like Eisenhower expanding America’s highway system, it adequately gets the job done.
Teeth saw into the cob, corn flying everywhere. Empty husks left in piles. This is pure corn content. Benjamin Harrison’s obsession with corn goes beyond his Mukbang stream. His chair pillow is a giant yellow mock corn kernel. He wears shirts with corn puns, too cringey to bother mentioning here. When that kid went viral in 2022 talking about corn, Harrison practically made the song his anthem. In fact (unfortunately) he still uses it.
