Elder Abuse? These Friends Convinced Their 37-Year-Old Friend To Go to a Show

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Recent clips of Frankie Valli performing at the age of 90 have reignited the conversation about elder abuse in this country. While celebrity cases shine a light on the problem, it’s important to identify cases of elder abuse in our day-to-day lives. Last week, a 37-year-old man named Matt Reynolds was convinced by a group of younger “friends” to go to a hardcore show even though it is painfully clear he has aged out of such activities.

One of the friends, Chuck Bowman, 28, said that they had good intentions of inviting Reynolds to the show at the non-airconditioned VFW hall located at the end of what locals refer to as “Oxy Alley.” “It took some convincing but he said he wanted to go just as long as it was not on a weekday night and that it would end no later than 10:30. That should’ve been our first clue this was a bad idea.”

“He showed up late because he said he had to stop at a drug store to get earplugs and some Dr. Scholl’s inserts for his Vans,” said another friend Dara Roberts, 26. “Then he couldn’t find the QR code on his phone he had been emailed when he bought the ticket and kept saying couldn’t he just give them five dollars and a can of food like every other hardcore show he’s ever been to. Poor guy is really out of it.”

When the first band Realm Of Brutal Assault started playing the older friend appeared to be confused by the giant horseshoe-shaped pit that opened up with just a handful of people doing spinkicks and windmills. He later asked why no one was up front singing along and that it was almost as if “no one even cares what the lyrics are anymore.”

Midway through the third band Retribution Fist’s set Reynolds began to fidget and said he needed to sit down complaining that both his knees and back were hurting from just standing in place for a moderate amount of time. Out of desperation he made his way back to the merch area and pretended to be working at one of the tables just so he could sit down on one of the fold-out chairs.

Unfortunately, the friends say Matt was unable to see the headliner X Violent Fucking Hatred X as he said it was getting late and he had physical therapy in the morning. Later Reynolds would confess to his friends he was not having a good time and at this point he can only sit through two bands maximum. Despite all of this the friends say they are planning to get Matt to go with them to the 3-day Purification Of Blood Fest when it is scheduled on the hottest day of the year next summer.

UN Deploys Kendall Jenner to Deliver Pepsi To IDF

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

TEL AVIV — The United Nations decided to call on model, media personality, and socialite Kendall Jenner to deliver a can of Pepsi to the IDF in hopes of ending the escalating war in the Middle East, confirmed sources who had no backup plans if this didn’t work.

“Who knew a stern talking to from the international community wouldn’t stop this?” bemoaned United Nations Commissioner, Volker Turk. “Nothing’s been working either. We tried giving Israel 50 billion dollars, but that doesn’t appear to be doing enough for peace. If anything they’re just increasing the bombings. It looks like we’re going to have to call upon a true weapon for peace: The American Monarchy. In particular, a reality star. She seemed to singlehandedly end racial injustice years ago, so now it’s time to put her Instagram fame to the test.”

A spokesperson from acclaimed beverage juggernaut PepsiCo weighed in on their decision to aid the United Nations in its efforts.

“Look, I’m not saying Pepsi ended racism in 2017, a lot of people say that. I don’t, but a lot of people do. At the end of the day, you can’t say the summer of 2020 happens without Pepsi,” said spokesperson Ron Brokaw, “We got a lot of backlash from that ad. People weren’t ready to have the conversation Pepsi was having. But they all come crawling back eventually. And Pepsi is here to answer the call. We’re here to give the world what it needs: aspartame and a two-state solution.”

A member of Jenner’s personal team reported how enthusiastic she was to join the cause.

“When I asked Kendall if she would be interested in donating her time to issues with the IDF she said ‘like with fertility?’ and I said ‘No the IDF’s war with Hamas,’” shared Jenner’s assistant Ashley Bowood. “And she said ‘Ashley, what does having babies have to do with snack dip? Is hummus bad for fertility? Because I eat that shit all the time?’ And then I told her it would be great for her to lend her platform for good. Then I told her this would do big numbers for her tequila brand and she agreed.”

At press time, Jenner was being loaded into a plane as they prepared her to be air dropped into the front lines.

Opinion: My Next Tattoo Will Be the One That Fixes Me

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As someone riddled with multiple hang ups, insecurities, and repressed emotions you’d be correct in thinking that I absolutely need to go to therapy. But that’s expensive, and I really don’t need a second party judging me when I’m doing it myself for free. Instead, like so many others, I’ve taken to a different form of achieving mental equilibrium by getting more tattoos than is necessary. So far I’ve spent $5,000 and the light inside me is still dying.

There is a silver lining though because unlike the last five or six sessions, I’m 100% sure the next tattoo will fix all my problems.

Now I’m not completely blind to the fact that I have arguably spent as much (and possibly more) money on tattoos as I would’ve to see an actual licensed professional to help me get over reliving every embarrassing thing I’ve ever said and done. Yes, both involve making appointments, waiting rooms, and deposits, but only one of them has me walking out with a big tittied mermaid on my chest.

I can sense some of you are reading this and saying “Surely there are other, productive methods of healing your inner child and reconciling with your past mistakes.” First of all, shut up. Secondly, I already tried that which is why I have not one but two skull tattoos. Besides, I’m not going to fall into the trap of the self-care industrial complex by getting into pottery or hiking. My hobby is having ink blasted into my skin until it bleeds, thank you very much.

But it all comes down to this. I’m just one more permanent piece of self-expression away from being able to look in the mirror and not see an awkward, overweight 14-year-old with a bad bowl cut. And instead of addressing my body dysmorphia head on, I’m going to get a big ol’ chest piece on that same body which will more than likely suppress the memory of the 8th grade dance. Checkmate, body issues!

The breakthrough is just around the corner, you’ll see! Pretty soon I’ll be rocking ink so cool, so spiritually cathartic, that I can stop internalizing two decades of self-hatred and remorse. I’m thinking of something like a rattlesnake with a knife through its head or a panther. The guy I go to can easily do either.

And hell, if that doesn’t work I can always just switch to body piercing.

Reformed Skinhead Speaking Engagements Dry Up as Everyone Goes Back to Being Racist

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Reformed skinhead, public speaker, and talking head Tom Lupine is struggling to make ends meet as America’s racial tolerance landscape continues to shift, sources confirmed.

“I was an angry kid looking for a family, and I found it through hate,” Lupine reminisced. “But then Obama got elected, I was getting older, had bills to pay, and I wanted to settle down and start a family. And just reading the room, I felt there was an opportunity here to really cash in, so I decided to renounce bigotry once and for all or until it stopped paying my bills. Once I did that everyone wanted me to discuss my transformation and tell me how strong I was for it. I started booking college lectures, appearing on cable news. It was a prosperous time for me. But now that racial prejudice is back in style, no one wants to give me the time of day.”

Lupine cites the election of Donald Trump as the turning point that saw the country shift back to being openly racist.

“2016 allowed me to come out of the shadows finally. Just look at that MSG rally, it brought a tear to my eye to see so many like-minded people in one place,” said skinhead Robby Murphy. “I didn’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. Not only can I be openly racist, but I am being invited to speak at all sorts of places now — private schools, churches, nursing homes, Ben Shapiro podcasts, even cable news. Heck, I even have a few police departments trying to recruit me. It feels like the country is back on track. Really, it proves that no matter what, intolerance always wins in the end.”

Claire Shields, a booking agent specializing in speakers across the skinhead spectrum, has noticed the shift in demand as well.

“The market for reformed racists has definitely seen a decline,” Shields explained. “It’s shocking. People forget tolerance was so trendy for a long time, and it paid pretty well. People made a lot of money and we thought it would last forever. Reformation is just not en vogue right now, I’ve had to really shift my business model to take on more KKK members.”

At press time, Lupine decided to become an unreformed skinhead in order to cash in and make rent this month.

Oh No, My Boss is Reading “The Art of War”

Posted on by Sean Fallon

I missed the subway this morning and got caught in the rain, and just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I walked in and saw my boss Larry holding Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I would have rather he’d been carrying a gun.

He was walking around the office, holding it so people could see the cover but no one was asking him about it. It was a crucifix to vampires and we all just kept our eyes on our keyboards.

Just before lunch, he called us in for an “impromptu pow-wow” and when we were all assembled in the boardroom he said, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. Worth thinking about.”

Man, we sell travel insurance. Who the fuck is our enemy?

The rest of the day was like that. I asked Larry about the plan to replace Owen who left last month and Larry said, “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” So I guess we’re not replacing him and we’ll just take on his clients. Or the opportunity is to get someone more skilled than Owen in. I asked for clarification and he said, “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

After that, I had to go and vape in the emergency stairwell for half an hour.

Around 2 o’clock, I had some clients arrive for a presentation. I had booked the boardroom, got it all set up, and met them at the elevators. Making small talk, I walked them into the boardroom and there was Larry, standing by the whiteboard. He had written on it in huge letters: It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy. He then bowed at the waist, said “Konnichiwa,” and walked out.

The clients were from Missouri and I’m pretty sure Sun Tzu was Chinese.

I managed to avoid him until the end of the day but as I left I saw him in his office cracking open a copy of Walter Isaacson’s Elon Musk biography and that’s why I’m writing to you to apply for the role you advertised.

Anti-Abortion Picketer Attends 40th Consecutive Farmer’s Market Converting Zero People

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ANOKA, Minn. — A conservative anti-abortion picketer was confused after being unable to convert a single person to his cause, even after picketing at a local farmer’s market for 40 consecutive weeks.

“What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried harassing passersby, screaming at children with a bullhorn, and displaying out-of-context medical waste photos and still no one will acknowledge me. You’d think after nearly a year, one person would take the time out of their Saturday morning to have me explain to them abortion is murder, and liberal women are whores,” said Jonah Williams. “I’m rethinking my strategy, like maybe using a bigger font for the sign listing everyone who’s going to Hell. Even the vendors are icing me out! I almost got through to the lady who sells cranberries, but it turns out they were just filming me for a TikTok video to shit all over me. At least it got 400,000 likes.”

Frequent marketgoers have learned to tune Williams out, despite his rantings.

“This asshole just doesn’t give up, and for some reason he singles me out every weekend which I assume is because of my tattoos. I’d love to not listen to him demonify my bodily autonomy but this market hands down has the best zucchini,” said Emily Hutchinson. “If he wants to exercise his First Amendment right, good for him. But by now he must realize nobody here gives a shit, unless he’s one of those guys who gets off on being humiliated in public. I’m not sure which one is worse.”

The market coordinator admitted he only let in Williams in order to be politically neutral, despite him being a nuisance.

“He’s like the third wackjob who’s been booted out of other public spaces, and for some reason the farmer’s market is their last stand. Technically I can’t boot them out since they have the right to exercise free speech, so I made up a ‘free speech’ area they have to stand in so they don’t chase people away from the organic squash,” said Leon Fuller. “It’s kind of sad watching Jonah come here for weeks on end to shout at a demographic he’ll never convert to his cause, but then I remember that keeping him contained here prevents him from harassing a Planned Parenthood.”

Williams finally managed to engage market patrons after they all bought out all the market’s organic tomatoes to throw at him.

I’m the Guy Who Poisoned the Beer Supply on the “Art of Partying” Album Cover. It’s Time to Come Clean About My Actions

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When you think about it, life is just a series of decisions. Most of them are completely banal and easily forgotten, and some have the ability to stick with you for years. If you’ve behaved honorably, that can be a heartening reminder of your past, and if you haven’t, you may find yourself in my shoes. I am using this platform to admit that I was the guy who poisoned the beer supply on the cover of Municipal Waste’s 2007 album “The Art of Partying,” for which I am deeply ashamed.

Back then I was living next door to a group of crossover punks. The fact that they had been making my life a living hell with their killer riffs, gnarly skateboarding tricks, and literal nonstop partying is no excuse, but I was waking up at five in the morning for my job at an electronics component distribution facility. One day, bleary-eyed and mad with sleep deprivation, I broke into a nearby nuclear power plant and stole a mysterious barrel with a skull and crossbones on it. What happened after I added the strange green liquid to my neighbor’s beer has haunted me ever since.

The chaos that ensued was otherworldly, and the thought of it chills my bones to this day. It was a vomit-soaked, blood-drunk orgy of anthropophagous hysteria; the likes of which the world had never seen, and hopefully never will again. Seven dead and two institutionalized with no hope of recovery. I was never suspected, but imprisonment would be a relief compared to the staggering guilt I have lived with for nearly two decades. In some ways, I wish I had been torn limb from limb by one of the nightmarish beasts borne of my selfish and cowardly decision, at least then I wouldn’t be the guilt-ravaged shell of a man at the helm of this shameful missive.

I write this to you, dear reader, not for your pity, anger, or disgust (though you are wholly entitled to feel all of these,) and I certainly do not intend this as a righting of my horrific misdeed. One glance at the macabre result of my sins brandishing that album cover is more than enough to conclude that that could never be possible. I simply ask that you learn from my story, and think twice before your actions haunt you forever. I may not be kept awake by the sick shredding and beer-fueled calls of my thrashing neighbors any longer, but the torment of my guilty thoughts is by no means a welcome substitute.

Republican Voter Can’t Tell If Nazi Imagery In TV Ad Supposed To Be Positive Or Negative

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Lifelong Republican voter Travis Andrews remains puzzled after not being able to determine if the Nazi imagery featured in a new ad for a local GOP candidate is supposed to be positive or negative, sources confirmed.

“I was watching Newsmax and this commercial for Tom Kelley comes on,” said Andrews, referencing an ad for a House candidate. “It’s got this real scary voice saying ‘Tom Kelley is ready to serve President Donald Trump’ and then it shows a video of a Hitler speech with Nazi soldiers marching next to a pic of Kelly shaking hands with Trump. I know the libs like to compare Trump to Hitler, but now Trump likes to compare himself to Hitler too. So I don’t know what the hell to think. I’d always thought Nazis were bad, but maybe I was wrong and I was just brainwashed by the liberal media and their biased World War II analysis.”

To add to the confusion, the ad was reportedly paid for by the ambiguously-named Save America Now PAC.

“I just want all the voters to know I stand fully behind President Trump like a good general should,” Kelley blurted out nervously after being shown the ad in question. “Whether or not you support what Adolf Hitler stood for, you have to admit that President Trump is this century’s Hitler–if we’re talking about the good stuff Hitler did. Or the bad stuff, because everyone has a different point of view.”

“And maybe Hitler wasn’t as bad as the Democrats have made him out to be after all,” Kelley added before proceeding to scroll through X for five uninterrupted minutes, a bead of sweat forming on his upper lip.

Political scientist Arthur Ledesma says this confusing messaging involving Jews and antisemitism isn’t a new phenomenon for Republican voters, but it has become more pronounced in the era of Trump.

“For years Republicans have presented as being blatantly pro-Israel while also subtly dog–whistling Jewish code words about things like globalism and George Soros for years,” Ledesma said. “But with Donald Trump’s penchant for stream-of-consciousness speaking paired with clear signs of severe cognitive decline, the messaging on the party’s official stance regarding the Jewish people is getting muddied. Nervous down-ballot Republicans are struggling to keep up and dutiful right-wing podcasters have devoted entire episodes to positively reframing the Nazis. It’s no surprise we’ve seen an uptick in the licensing of Hitler stock footage from both sides for use in these home-stretch campaign ads.”

At press time, Kelley had just re-tweeted an AI-generated image of himself goose-stepping behind Donald Trump that was originally tweeted by his Democrat opponent.

Every Face to Face Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Carter Schenke

“Face to Face” is a psychological drama film released in 1976. Starring Liv Ullmann and Erland Josephson, it originally aired as a four-part miniseries and was nominated for Best Foreign Language Film in the US. However, this film didn’t release any albums, so instead we’re going to be ranking albums by the band Face to Face.

10. Three Chords and a Half Truth (2013)

This album is full of The Clash worship, so at least the band can walk away from this one saying they made a better album than “Cut the Crap.” There are some cool takes on the Clash sound here and there, but nothing really extremely new or interesting.

Play It Again: “123 Drop” if you want something that sounds like The Clash, “Right as Rain” if you want something that sounds like Social Distortion.
Skip It: Doesn’t really matter, you probably won’t remember most of the songs once you’re done with the album anyway.

9. Laugh Now, Laugh Later (2011)

There’s nothing explicitly wrong with this album, it’s just pretty cookie-cutter skate punk for most of its runtime. Just like the name “Face to Face” is a pretty cookie-cutter name for a film, as evidenced by the 16 films that share the name just on the first page of a Wikipedia search alone.

Play It Again: “All for Nothing,” easily the best song to come out of this album and even one of the best post-reunion Face to Face songs.
Skip It: “Stopgap”

8. Reactionary (2000)

Titled for being a reaction to their fanbase’s initial dislike for their previous album, “Ignorance Is Bliss,” “Reactionary” is a straight-up punk album. And while the return to form was welcome, it doesn’t do anything that Face to Face hasn’t already done before. Much like the previous entry on this list, there’s nothing wrong with it, it just isn’t particularly interesting compared to other albums the band has released.

Play It Again: “Disappointed,” “What’s In a Name” at least for the bass intro, if nothing else.
Skip It: This album doesn’t have any songs that need to be skipped, just few that are noteworthy in the grand scheme of Face to Face’s discography.

7. How To Ruin Everything (2002)

Did you know that the first ever film titled “Face to Face” was a silent short released in 1914? Sadly, no one involved in the making of that film lived long enough to ever be able to listen to the band Face to Face. This was the last album Face to Face released before breaking up for a while, and it’s good, but not their greatest work.

Play It Again: “Bill of Goods,” “A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing,” “Shoot the Moon”
Skip It: “Fight or Flight” and “The Compromise” if you decide 46 minutes is a bit too long for a punk album, otherwise just let it play!

6. Ignorance Is Bliss (1999)

It was at this point that Face to Face said “fuck it, we’re going to write a Foo Fighters album”, and not only did they do that, but they created a better Foo Fighters album than the Foo Fighters. Much like every Foo Fighters album, this one does drag a tiny bit in the second half, but it still is pretty strong overall, and had a nice bit of Face to Face-style punk still mixed in to keep it from sounding unoriginal. This album was also the first to show Face to Face was capable of pulling off toned-down, ballad-style songs, and they do it well. While fans initially didn’t respond positively to the change in sound, it ended up aging surprisingly well, and has become somewhat of a cult album for the band. Plus, as far as I can tell, no members of Face to Face have cheated on their partners, so they got that going for them I guess.

Play It Again: “The Devil You Know (God is a Man),” “(a)Pathetic,” “I Know What You Are” and “Overcome” if you really want to hear the Foo Fighters influence.
Skip It: “Nearly Impossible”

5. Protection (2016)

This is where the band starts to really hit their stride again after their reunion, something few punk bands manage to do. This album manages to feel a lot more fresh than their previous post-reunion attempts, and it sees the band hit a new stride that would continue into their following album.

Play It Again: “Bent but Not Broken,” “Double Crossed”
Skip It: This album doesn’t have any skips, so I’d instead like to point out that there were two movies named “Face 2 Face” (yes, with a 2) released just in 2012. Far later than using “2” in place of “to” should have been acceptable. And there were still several more movies to do it afterwards…

4. No Way Out But Through (2021)

Face to Face’s most recent entry into their catalog contains some of the best material they’ve made since reuniting, and maybe just in general. They manage to easily find their way back to making catchy and memorable melodies, but this time with a more mature sound of a band that’s been around and seen a lot. It’s a very natural progression of their sound that makes sense without sounding repetitive.

Play It Again: “Black Eye Specialist,” “No Way out but Through,” “This is My Vanishing Act,” “Farewell Song,” and the rest of the album too.
Skip It: Face to Face (1990). I’ve never actually seen this movie, but it’s a Hallmark movie, so I can’t imagine it’s worth checking out.

3. Big Choice (1995)

Did you know there’s also like a million books called “Face to Face”? And even another band with the name? It’s crazy. Oh yeah, the album. This one’s great, their third-best even. With their second album, Face to Face continued to show that they were on their A-game when it came to putting catchy, cool, and memorable melodies into fun and energetic skate-punk songs. And you might be thinking “That sounds a lot like pop-punk to me,” but trust me, this is way cooler than anything Blink tried when they were going for the same sound pre-”Enema of the State”.

Play It Again: “I Know You Well,” “You Lied,” “Velocity”
Skip It: The part at the beginning of the bonus track version of “Disconnected” where they’re just talking, it’s only funny the first time.

2. Don’t Turn Away (1992)

Much like Face to Face (1976) was Lena Olin’s debut film appearance, “Don’t Turn Away” was Face to Face (the band)’s debut album. And they got a lot right from the start. The songs are energetic, the melodies are fun and interesting, and it’s an enjoyable listen the whole way through, even with the bonus track version. Aside from some not-so-great sounding production, mostly resulting from the choice to only single-track the guitars, this album is incredibly solid and still holds up well today.

Play It Again: Tracks 1 through 13, or 1 through 15 if you choose the remastered version with the bonus tracks.
Skip It: Don’t even think about it.

1. Self-titled (1996)

This album was the first one to feature Scott Shiflett on bass, and has some of the best basslines in punk, ever. It’s also the — wait… THE ALBUM IS CALLED “FACE TO FACE” TOO??? Is this review even about music anymore? What’s going on? I just spent 3 days watching movies and reading books called “Face to Face” just so I could write a review on a punk band’s discography. Please stop reading this and just go listen to Face to Face, start with the album “Face to Face,” you won’t regret it as much as I regret Googling “face to face,” I promise.

Play It Again: All of it, trust me.
Skip It: None of it, trust me.

J.D. Vance Assures Rogan Listeners He’s Just a Normal Guy Bankrolled By Multiple Vindictive Billionaires Like Everyone Else He Grew Up With In His Rust Belt Town

Posted on by Bill Conway

AUSTIN, Texas — J.D. Vance sat down for a three-hour interview with popular podcaster Joe Rogan to let potential voters know he’s just a completely normal guy doing the bidding of vengeful tech titans like anyone else.

“Listen Joe, I’m a man of the people. A completely normal guy. Every morning I wake up when Peter Thiel tells me to and I eat all the vitamins he’s laid out for me just like everyone in my hometown of Middletown, Ohio. After that I sing the National Anthem and do the Pledge of Allegiance before hopping on a video call where Elon Musk watches me get dressed,” said Senator Vance after being asked if he thought chimpanzees have nightmares. “Right now America is in trouble, we have so many people talking poorly about billionaires when all they do is create jobs. I wouldn’t be where I am today without billionaires, and all they ask in return is a few political favors and photos of my toilet after I evacuate my bowels.”

Kyle Begley, a longtime listener of “The Joe Rogan Experience,” admits Vance’s appearance on the show was off-putting.

“I was excited to hear if the guy ever trained in MMA, I thought anyone with a name like J.D. was required to do a combat sport, or at least beat up nerds, but this dude was the one who actually sounded kinda nerdy. The guy went to Yale, only nerds go to Yale,” said Begley. “This whole thing is crazy because Trump is such a man’s man. I don’t know why Trump wants to hang out with this dude who keeps talking about the capital gains tax policy. The whole conversation was super boring, even the part where they were debating whether Bigfoot or The Mothman would win in an arm wrestling match just seemed forced.”

A spokesperson for the Trump campaign says Senator Vance’s appearance on the show was a big success.

“The hardworking venture capitalists across the country really see themselves in Senator Vance and that shows in the donations we received after the show aired. These working-class titans of industry loved the shoutouts and gave an additional $45 million in funds so we can change this country for the better,” said campaign manager Susie Wiles. “Mr. Rogan also gave us all very nice gift baskets filled with elk meat and a DMT-infused soft drink that is only legal in Columbia. We can’t wait to give it a try.”

Senator Vance was unavailable for further comment because he was on his daily video call with his billionaire backers where he dresses up like a puppy and performs for them, just like everyone else from his small hometown.