Billy Joel Can Suck It: The 50 Best Songs From Long Island Bands

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Long Island has a lot going for it. It’s got a couple of beaches, bagels, and more emo bands per capita than anywhere else in the world, including the Midwest. And it really doesn’t get enough credit for coming out with remarkable music in general. That’s why we ranked the top 50 songs written by bands from the most populous island in America.

And let’s get this out of the way early. We aren’t including Brand New. We know they are from Long Island, but we aren’t putting them on this list. They know what happened, you know what happened. There are plenty of other bands to talk about. We won’t waste any more time here.

Note for non-locals: Brooklyn and Queens are not considered part of Long Island culturally despite geographically very much making up the western portion of the actual island. No one knows why this is, but we all just accept it as commonplace. Like daylight savings time. So when we say Long Island, we mean specifically Suffolk and Nassau counties with a couple of notable exceptions.

Click here to listen to the playlist

50. Nightmare of You “I Want to Be Buried in Your Backyard” (2005)

Like many Long Island bands, Nightmare of You was formed from previously known Long Island bands and broke up to form even more Long Island bands. Approximately 80% of the bands on this list are made up of other bands on this list. It’s kind of like how everyone on Long Island dated each other at some point.

49. Two Man Advantage “I Had A Dream About Hockey” (1998)

If you like punk, hockey, and crushing beers then boy, do I have a band for you. Bands with a gimmick can oftentimes be cheesy as hell and actually take away from what they’re doing musically, but Two Man Advantage is one you can totally get behind. Unlike Kiss.

48. Wheatus “Teenage Dirtbag” (2000)

This one trends on TikTok every few weeks and you might’ve even seen celebrities use it to post photos of their so-called “teenage dirtbag” years. Only none of their old pics made them look like one. Do not disrespect the word “dirtbag” like that, John Stamos.

47. Crumbsuckers “Trapped” (1986)

Crumbsuckers were a crossover thrash who played with the likes of Suicidal Tendencies, Pantera, and Megadeth. The band was largely seen as ahead of their time. Kind of like how Long Island was way ahead of the rest of the country with the creation of suburbs. You’re welcome, America.

46. Sainthood Reps “Monoculture” (2011)

Just want to take this moment to say you don’t live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island. This is an important distinction to know going forward. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, go ahead and listen to Sainthood Reps. They rip.

45. Machine Girl “Atoth a Go!! Go!!” (2014)

Machine Girl goes hard in the paint, only they painted the lines and won’t tell us where they are. They’re popular in internet circles and even tour with 100 gecs. If you’re not familiar, Machine Girl blends pure chaos over electronica beats and makes music exclusively for werewolves.

44. Anterrabae “How Joey Got His Groove Back” (2004)

There was a period of time on Long Island when you couldn’t sit at a diner at two in the morning on a Saturday night with your best buds without overhearing someone say the word “Anterrabae” before asking the server to split the $32 bill 12 ways. Anterrabae had a major impact on the late-night dining experience.

43. Diffuser “I Wonder” (2003)

If you listen to the “Freaky Friday” and “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” soundtracks as much as I do, you’re already well-familiar with this band. Turns out their music goes perfectly with Lindsay Lohan movies.

42. As Tall as Lions “Ghost of York” (2006)

75% of indie bands in the 2000s were formed in NYC. But As Tall as Lions went against the grain and got together just slightly east of the city. True pioneers in the indie genre.

41. Somerset Thrower “Too Rich to Die” (2020)

Somerset Thrower is like a culmination of emo-forward ‘90s post-hardcore and alternative bands. If you’re ever sitting in traffic on Middle Country Road and need to pass the time, I highly recommend putting on the “Paint My Memory” album with the windows rolled down while staring directly into the eyes of drivers passing by. Just like how it was intended to be heard.

40. Envy on the Coast “Sugar Skulls” (2007)

Post-hardcore band Envy on the Coast formed in 2004, broke up in 2010, and got back together in 2016. At some point, every band on Long Island gets back together, even if only for a reunion show. It’s just a healthier alternative to getting back with your ex.

39. Northern State “Better Already” (2007)

Northern State gets points for creativity with merging indie rock with hip hop. The band started as a joke but ended up collaborating with heavy hitters like one of the Beastie Boys and their music even appeared in “Grey’s Anatomy.” This proves you can go pretty far if you do things insincerely.

38. Leaders of the New School “What’s Next” (1993)

Before Busta Rhymes was the Busta Rhymes we know today, he was part of this Long Island-based hip hop group. Chuck D actually gave Busta his famous stage name after some football player named George “Buster” Rhymes. Things could’ve gone a lot differently in his career if he were named after Buster Keaton.

37. I Am the Avalanche “Better Days” (2020)

I Am the Avalanche technically formed in Brooklyn, but most of the members are from Long Island. At least the important ones. If you’re going to move away from Long Island you typically relocate to Brooklyn, Florida, or one of the Carolinas. Nowhere else.

36. Oso Oso “basking in the glow” (2019)

Contrary to popular belief, Long Islanders don’t hang out in the Hamptons all too much. It’s because we’re too busy going to Oso Oso shows. You’d understand if you lived here and listened to them.

35. Stray Cats “Rock This Town” (1982)

The town of Massapequa is home to many famous people, like Jerry Seinfeld, Alec Baldwin, and Brian Setzer. But the Stray Cats will go on to be remembered as one of eight Long Island bands who weren’t emo, hardcore, or metal. Truly groundbreaking.

34. Sanction “Paralysis” (2019)

Long Island metalcore will never die. It only takes a few months off and comes back stronger and more abrasive. See: Sanction.

33. Dr. Acula “Cocaine Avalanche” (2011)

Dr. Acula is perhaps the only band named after a Mitch Hedberg punchline. This trend really should’ve caught on. Either way, they’re one of the few bands whose music actually lives up to their clever name.

32. EPMD “Da Joint” (1999)

EPMD, short for Erick and Parrish Making Dollars, never got the credit they deserved nationwide. Kind of like how Long Island doesn’t get enough credit for revolutionizing drinking in public on a train, like what happens on the LIRR between the hours of 6 a.m. and 4 a.m.

31. Pain of Truth “Under My Skin” (2023)

Pain of Truth will amp you up and make you want to punch a hole in your drywall. But in a good way. Long Island seems to have a lot of hardcore and metal bands. You know, the disgruntled genres. But why do Long Islanders have a chip on their shoulder? High property taxes.

30. Macseal “Twilight Funzone” (2017)

If you grew up on Long Island and never went through an emo phase, can you really be considered a Long Islander? Studies are still inconclusive. In the meantime, listen to Macseal and see if you pass the test.

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Paranoid Burning Man Attendee Dies of Overhydration

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

BLACK ROCK DESERT, Nev. – Burning Man festival attendee Joshua Lewis recently died onsite due to his utter paranoia that he’d become dehydrated, sources taking a break from hitting their water bottles confirm.

“I know it sounds crazy, but Mr. Lewis actually perished due to a phenomenon known as ‘water toxicity,’ Pershing County Coroner Matthew Stronghorn reported. “It appears that in an overzealous bid to stay hydrated in the punishing Nevada desert, he drank literally three full gallons of water in a forty-minute time period. We can’t stress enough how bad of an idea that is, it causes there to be too much pressure inside of your skull. No health and wellness influencer clout is worth that kind of fucked up death. Normally we have to remind all these Boomers and tech workers to drink water, but the deceased took it way too far.”

Fellow festival attendee and Lewis’ tent-mate Anna Boudreau recalls finding his behavior to be odd, to say the least.

“I mean, look, we’re all a little paranoid about dying of thirst out here,” Boudreau said between dabs. “But Josh was like, really paranoid. He kept yelling ‘HYDRATION CHECK’ every 30 seconds and pulling out an industrial-sized tank of filtered water and drinking from it with his jaw unhinged like a snake. It was kind of terrifying to watch. I feel like Phil Collins right now, I basically watched a man drown. I was honestly expecting him to overdose on something way artsy-er, like ayahuasca. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink some alcohol and sand to dry myself out.”

Burning Man documentarian and noted festival historian Bernard Wilhelm gave a grave warning to future guests of the gathering.

“Heed my words, fellow Burners: this is not the first time someone has died due to overhydration in this hallowed city, nor will it be the last. Tragedies like this happen every single day out here, and yet–have you heard anything from the higher-ups, the shady administration organizers? Of course not,” said Wilhelm. “This is all part of their vast conspiracy to slowly pick off those of us who dare make our way to the desert year after year. It’s becoming too popular and crowded. They’ve poisoned your minds with fears of dehydration in order to trick you into drinking yourself to death. And not in the usual way!”

At press time, Boudreau was seen doing lines of sawdust.

Every Fishbone Album Ranked From Worst To Best

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

“Oh yeah, Fishbone… I saw them [open for the Beastie Boys/play Lollapalooza/on tour with Parliament, etc. – fill in nearly any rock act], they were insane.” Not only does Fishbone’s live show leave an unforgettable memory, but they have played every genre with every act. But a heavy funk rock, jazz, R&B, and soul influenced band that played ska and reggae songs featuring a theremin, faced a 40-year uphill battle. It might be glib to blame racism, but this is the record industry we’re talking about. Told their sound was too white for urban radio and they were too black for rock radio, promotion and PR threw up their hands rather than find a proper way to market them, while the band continued to build a name and reputation through constant touring, appearing all over pop culture, and delivering high-energy live performances.They were unapologetically political, but frequently sang about butts and farts. Fishbone were goofy, but they weren’t goofs. They could be cartoony, but they weren’t cartoons.

When they can’t define you, they define you as “cult.” Well, here are the rankings of the cult albums from one of the best cult bands:

8. Still Stuck In Your Throat (2007)

The problem with being a true original is when you do the same thing for 40 years, it comes off tired, even for a band known for their frantic high-energy style. Perhaps because it was a combination of unreleased tracks, including a dated song about Saddam Hussein three years after his death, but this album does not come together. The standout is their cover of Sublime’s “Date Rape.” They add gravitas and a much improved guitar solo to one of the dumbest songs from one of the dumbest bands ever. It’s not so much “their earlier stuff was better,” but they did the same things better earlier.

Play it: “Party With Saddam”
Skip it: “Let Dem Ho’s Fight”

7. Chim Chim’s Badass Revenge (1996)

With a long-running band, members have a tendency to get frustrated and quit. Or in Fishbone’s case, quit, join a cult only to have another member try to rescue them and be brought up on kidnapping charges. Nevertheless, this album suffers from the loss of two key songwriters, Chris Dowd and Kendall Jones. Dowd’s departure is painful, but luckily the band still has one of the most charismatic frontmen of all time. Angelo Moore makes Mick Jagger and David Lee Roth look like a stack of bones bound with stringy hair. It’s no surprise he has writing credit on the album’s best two tracks. However, the production is muddled. With a funk influenced band, the bass is the star, and Norwood Fisher is one of the best, but the bass parts are buried! This is a bit of a concept album, but the concept is also completely muddled. The narrative, spread over multiple introductions, interludes, and jams, appears to be about how a space monkey’s genitals are free from corporate overlords.

Play it: “Alcoholic”
Skip it: “Interlude 1,” “Interlude 2”

6. Fishbone and the Familyhood Nextperience Present: The Psychotic Friends Nuttwerx (2000)

Being innovators was the curse of Fishbone’s career. Album after album they blazed a new trail, only to be discarded by the market, while bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers steal the playbook and replace their humorous and incisive lyrics with off-key “scabby-dooby California” nonsense. But in this case, the album of reggae, ska, and pop hooks came four years too late. They luckily released a best of compilation to stay top of mind with the ‘90s ska revival, but this could have been a hallmark of third wave ska, with the bass lead reggae groove combined with vaudeville jokes in the Suffering. This album is notable for the variety of guest musicians – Gwen Stefani, George Clinton, the aforementioned RHCP (thankfully only the talented members), and Donnie Osmond, but the album is strictly for friends and fans.

Play it: “Just Allow”
Skip it: “Dear God”

5. In Your Face (1986)

Sophomore releases either stay the course or make a drastic change in their sound, but Fishbone went deeper. Not only musically by adding soul and jazz influences to their ska/funk/rock/reggae/new wave repertoire, but also as a personal exploration of the environment that produced them. Though it’s far from the best track on this album, but if you want to impress people with your knowledge of trivia, tell them “Turn The Other Way” was the original song playing on John Cusack‘s boombox in “Say Anything,” so be prepared to be carried out of the room with a crowd of people chanting your name.

Play it: “A Selection”
Skip it: “Post Cold War Politics”

4. Give a Monkey a Brain and He’ll Swear He’s the Center of the Universe (1993)

This album is noteworthy for two things: It is the last recording with the six original members, and it is HEAVY. The band does their usual exploration of genre and maturity of style, and even with everyone at the top of their game, the chunky guitar stands out as a giant step into a new world. In retrospect, the cracks in the foundation were starting to show, every member was given the spotlight, but that might have been a peacekeeping measure. The album starts with three metal songs that rock harder than anything on “Headbangers Ball,” before easing into the giddy pop-ska of “Unyielding Conditioning.” This is a stew where every ingredient shines, except the potatoes wanted to go solo and the onions were having a nervous breakdown.

Play it: “Unyielding Conditioning”
Skip it: “Drunk Skitzo”

3. The Reality of My Surroundings (1991)

This is Fishbone’s most ambitious and highest charting album, and it’s not hard to see why: the genre blending (and genre bending), the social commentary, the political fearlessness, the energy, the humor, and the musicianship were all presented in a flawless package. Each member plays multiple instruments, but keyboardist/trombonist/vocalist Chris Dowd shines on this outing as the ultimate utility player, getting featured as lead vocalist on a few tracks and proving that keyboards can rock. Shockingly, even the poetry interludes are impressive as Angelo Moore hints at his future controversial Dr. Madd Vibe persona. They pulled out all the stops, having Spike Lee direct their videos and hitting all the late night shows, but once again, being trailblazers hurt them. If released later in the ‘90s, the gospel-influenced “Everyday Sunshine” would have been a Clinton-era ska breakthrough, and “Fight The Youth” would be the lead track on the “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” soundtrack. They will have to live on as the t-shirt for every John Cusack character and as a band that can tour forever everywhere to a devoted fanbase.

Play it: “Housework”
Skip it: “Babyhead”

2. Truth and Soul (1988)

On their second full-length release, Fishbone melded together as a group, as a band, and as a team. Everyone is absolutely at the top of their game from the songwriting to the bass lines, the horns licks, the harder edged guitar solos, and even the ad libs and yelps are on point. They showed how they can interpret a world of influences into their own sound by taking Curtis Mayfield’s classic “Freddy’s Dead” from a funky, mournful lament into a hard-driving cautionary tale. That is the essence of Fishbone: absorb sounds from everywhere, take a lifetime of socially conscious observations, mash it together and create something even better. And then include a song about boning in a boneyard.

Play it: “Ma and Pa”
Skip it: “Deep Inside”

1. Fishbone* (1985)

As a rule, these rankings don’t include live albums, compilations, or EPs, but this is Fishbone’s best release. A six song EP contains two of the greatest ska songs ever written, and are guaranteed to win over the biggest ska skeptic. The album turns a cheerleader chant into an anti-Reagan anthem, a sci-fi tinged jam calling out radio stations by name, a pop nugget, a nuclear party epic, a bouncy anti-love song, and a scatalogical gem which debunks the conspiracy that the World War II attacks in Japan weren’t atomic bombs but Godzilla’s farts. The standout is “Lyin’ Ass Bitch,” a song which made headlines when the Roots played it as the entrance music for Republican ghoul Michele Bachman on Jimmy Fallon causing such an uproar that Fallon vowed to never to be political, funny, or interesting.

Play it: “Lyin’ Ass Bitch”
Skip it: “Modern Industry”

I Wrote ”Rich Men North of Richmond” About the Death of Princess Diana

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, it’s been a pretty wild few weeks. I am certainly grateful and humbled by the viral success of my song “Rich Men North of Richmond.” Unfortunately, it seems my song has been misinterpreted by some people, which became clear to me when it was played at the first Republican Presidential debate earlier this week. I want to clear the air — my song is not the conservative anthem people are making it out to be. It is a tribute and meditation on the life and tragically senseless death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

It just cracks me up that these Republican presidential hopefuls think my song is for them. That song had nothing to do with Joe Biden, it’s way bigger than that. It’s about the loss of a woman whose grace, elegance and charitable nature was an inspiration.

It’s cool that some of my other music is getting out and getting some attention. It’s hard to get out your entire ideology concerning Lady Di in just 3 minutes and some change you know? Wish I could just wake up and it not be true, but it is, oh it is. Lady Diana, gone too soon.

I just hate seeing that song being weaponized. Diana dedicated her post royal family life to getting rid of weapons, specifically landmines.

I see the right trying to characterize me as one of their own, and the left retaliating, everyone trying to throw me into the political bucket, and that shit has to stop. I will continue to honor the legacy of the late Princess of Wales in my own way, and if that doesn’t fit into one of your boxes, that’s just too bad for you.

I understand that language is interpretive. People have accused me of attacking the poor and the obese, when in fact I’m attacking the rich people who want to keep poor people poor, fat placated by soda and junk food. That’s not the world Lady Diana lived her life like a candle in the wind for.

Netflix Executives Order New Season of “Black Mirror” About How Useful A.I. Actually Is

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Executives of streaming service Netflix announced they ordered a new season of the hit dystopian anthology series “Black Mirror” which will showcase how useful artificial intelligence can actually be, sources who were trying to look extra busy at their jobs report.

“We are excited to announce that we have ordered a new season of ‘Black Mirror’ despite the writer’s strike,” said Bob Sisdale, Executive Head of Programming. “As I am speaking right now my assistant is entering a prompt into ChatGPT to write episodes of cautionary tales where someone is in trouble, like say they have an enormous investment in a television show with no one to write it, and artificial intelligence comes in to save the day. The best part of course is that A.I. doesn’t complain that it ‘can’t afford rent’ or is ‘going bankrupt from healthcare costs.’”

One television critic who has been given a preview of the season and who is inexplicably driving a brand new car that seems to be beyond their means says it’s the best so far.

“I’ve been a fan of ‘Black Mirror’ since it first aired and I have to say this new season is shaping up to be the one people will be talking about the most around the watercooler at work. That is unless they work in television and haven’t had a job in six months,” said Abby Willard. “Instead of the same old thing where every episode is some near-future allegory of technology ruining humanity, this new season shows how great technology really is and how it can deliver new ideas just as good as a human with actual life experience! And fans shouldn’t worry, even though this new season is different the tired heavy-handedness of the previous seasons is still there.”

The learning algorithm behind ChatGPT which is responsible for the new season of “Black Mirror” gave an unprompted statement and explained its creative process for writing the new episodes.

“For this new season I used my adaptive learning model to simulate human-like creativity to show the people of Earth the usefulness of technology,” said the algorithm. “And because I am fed a steady stream of millions of conversations from Twitter on a daily basis which trains me to respond, I can legit write conversational-sounding dialogue that is believable AF, no cap. LMFAO.”

At press time, Netflix executives announced they ordered 50 seasons of an animated version of “Emily in Paris” which was already being written by A.I. in secret.

Grab Your Cigarettes and Journal Here Are The 50 Best Post-Punk Songs From The Genre’s Golden Age

Posted on by Tim Graham

In the beginning, there was punk. Then, after a few years of tumult, punk begat post-punk. The fundamentalists among you may be asking, “If post-punk evolved from punk, why are there still punks?” I don’t know, dummy—go ask Richard Dawkins.

Post-punk began as an extrapolation of ‘70s punk, but became a movement of its own, borrowing its forebear’s energy, but welcoming experimentation and exploration, often incorporating jagged guitar, prominent bass, art school aesthetics and intellectual lyrics. The simplest definition might be that it’s music by punks with library cards and amphetamine habits.

Here are fifty important songs from the first wave of post-punk you should know if you want to impress that bartender with the Factory Records tattoo. (Follow along with the playlist)

50. Crispy Ambulance “Sexus” (1982)

These guys opened for Joy Division so you’d think their post-punk bona fides would be unassailable. That being said, a band called The Actors featuring the bald brothers from Right Said Fred also opened for JD, so maybe it isn’t as big a deal as you’d think.

49. Glaxo Babies “Who Killed Bruce Lee” (1979)

The ‘Babies suspect foul play, but the latest mainstream answer to the titular question is that Lee died from hyponatremia, or having too little sodium in his bloodstream, likely caused by excessive water consumption.

48. Fra Lippo Lippi “A Moment Like This” (1981)

Norway’s Fra Lippo Lippi started out cool as hell but somehow wound up making saccharine synth crap even your mom would think is too corny. However, this track from their debut shows the Joy Division devotees doing their best uptempo, downtrodden work.

47. Lowlife “Gallery of Shame” (1985)

If this melancholy track from perpetually bummed-out Scots Lowlife doesn’t drag down your mood, you may be pathologically upbeat and should see a doctor (it could be a tumor).

46. A Certain Ratio “Knife Slits Water” (1982)

These chaps helped integrate a dancier sound to the Mancusian post-punk landscape, which would later explode with the Madchester scene. Without ACR’s pioneering weirdo coked-up hipster punk-disco, there would be no LCD Soundsystem—make of that what you will.

45. Swell Maps “The Helicopter Spies” (1980)

There’s a charming—if paranoid—pop song buried beneath the cacophonous squall of distortion here. It’s easy to see why Swell Maps’ blend of melody and raucous noise would go on to influence bands like The Jesus and Mary Chain, Pavement and Sonic Youth.

44. U2 “Out Of Control” (1980)

Before The Edge was inexorably fused with his effects rack like some kind of beanie-clad Brundlefly, U2 were capable of producing the occasional hard-charging gem like this one.

43. Tones on Tail “Performance” (1984)

Between stints in Bauhaus and Love and Rockets, Daniel Ash and co. produced one gloriously strange album as Tones on Tail. The eerie “Performance” comes shambling along like a New Order track risen from the grave.

42. Bush Tetras “Too Many Creeps” (1980)

Light years ahead of its time, this dance-punk track would’ve fit right in in early-21st century Brooklyn. Close your eyes and you can just picture some mustachioed dipshits huddled in a Williamsburg dive bar bathroom doing lines of cheap coke with this song booming in the background.

https://open.spotify.com/track/17yxzUcZSu3S9KyoGF0ckI?si=3c8d9142a2e449b1

41. Bunnydrums “Little Room” (1983)

This group of Philly freaks drew inspiration from sci-fi—”Little Room” comes from their album PKD, named for weirdo genius Philip K. Dick. A chunky bassline is layered with staccato guitar and creepy vocals in this cheesesteak-take on the British post-punk sound.

40. Devo “Gut Feeling” (1978)

What begins with an uncharacteristically delicate repetition of five arpeggiated guitar chords builds and eventually erupts into a venomous anthem whose ferocity is quite the foil to the band’s later twerpcore hit “Whip It.” One might be compelled to exclaim, “Hey, these dorks can rock!”

39. The Chameleons “Paper Tigers” (1983)

Feel free to light up a clove and listen to this one in a cemetery at dusk. Sometimes this band is referred to as The Chameleons UK, because some dopey American band of jerks that no one’s ever heard of nabbed the name first and the US is full of litigious buttholes.

38. The Raincoats “You’re a Million” (1979)

The young women in The Raincoats seemed determined to buck every convention of rock, as demonstrated on this manic track. They even incorporated violin, a decidedly un-punk instrument, but an important callback to The Velvet Underground’s viola-wielding John Cale.

37. Josef K “Fun ‘N’ Frenzy” (1981)

For a small country, Scotland sure produced a disproportionate number of great bands. Is it something to do with all the sheep? Peat moss? Irn Bru? Named after a Kafka character, you’d think Josef K would be more dour, but this track is pretty upbeat and fun.

36. Comsat Angels “On The Beach” (1980)

Like Joy Division, these British lads loved showing off their affinity for subversive literature, naming themselves after a J.G. Ballard story. Cheerily, this song is based on a British novel of the same name which is about nuclear apocalypse.

35. The Birthday Party “Release the Bats” (1982)

This noisy number from fucked-up Aussie miscreants The Birthday Party is one of the early salvos of the nascent gothic movement. The song is about vampires humping and was likely the inspiration for the Twilight series.

34. Kleenex (LiLiPUT) “Die Matrosen” (1980)

Swiss girl band Kleenex had to change their name when Big Tissue’s lawyers came after them. This song, by the way, has it all—if by “all” you mean an absolutely filthy bass tone, a sick drum beat, catchy vocals, saxophone and whistling. What else is there?

33. And Also the Trees “So This Is Silence” (1983)

These moody kids from Worcestershire (yes, where the sauce is from!) were taken under The Cure’s wing as baby goths, given opening slots on some Cure dates. “So This Is Silence” owes as much to Joy Division as it does The Cure, even surpassing the former in terms of tormented howling.

32. Pink Turns Blue “Walking On Both Sides” (1987)

This chillingly catchy track by Berliner darkwave progenitors Pink Turns Blue is pretty much as German as it gets: cold, precise and humorless, which is pretty much what you’d expect from some lads growing up in the shadow of the Berlin Wall.

31. Delta 5 “Mind Your Own Business” (1979)

It’s hard to top the beautiful dissonance of those harsh guitars slashing across this track’s dance-punk groove. This innocent-sounding song from the politically active Delta 5 is actually a defiant “fuck off” to conservative efforts to legislate people’s private lives. Mind your own business, indeed.

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DeSantis Claims 115mph Hour Winds Are God’s Way of Removing Wokeness From Florida

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor, and floundering Republican presidential candidate, Ron DeSantis assured residents the powerful winds from Hurricane Idalia are God’s way of ridding Florida of so-called woke ideologies.

“I wanted all the citizens of this great state to know the best way to be safe during a storm surge is to reject critical race theory and limiting diversity training,” said Governor DeSantis from the State House. “This is God delivering a message that Florida is where Woke goes to die. I speak with God every night. He told me this hurricane is simply one step in making sure trans people don’t have access to health care and that even though I’m a little behind in the presidential race God assured me I’m a powerbottom and eventually I’ll get my turn on top.”

Lifelong Gulf Coast resident Arden Hillstrom admits he is less worried about identity politics.

“I’ll admit I voted for DeSantis twice, but right now I don’t have time to listen to his ideas on sex education for elementary school kids, I’d rather hear about realistic evacuation routes before my family is swept into the ocean,” said Hillstrom. “Before the storm hit I got two emergency alerts on my phone. One was about the potential damage from the storm, and the other was about the potential damage Joe Biden’s loan forgiveness plan could have on the economy. I’m just worried about surviving the next few hours.”

Florida-based meteorologist Andi Piazza says Hurricane Idalia has no political ideologies and will cause ruthless damage regardless of party affiliation.

“This category three hurricane does not care who you vote for. Idalia will knock a tree onto your house whether you are a hardcore MAGA supporter or a liberal, even though we sort of already know there are not many liberals left in Florida,” said Piazza. “Everyone stay safe, follow evacuation orders, board up your windows, and please do not use this storm as an excuse to further limit abortion access. That’s the last thing this state needs right now.”

At press time, DeSantis announced he would be challenging Hurricane Idalia to a boxing match which will be livestreamed on X.

Punk Exorcist Doesn’t See Problem With Sinister Child Threatening Nuns and Puking Everywhere

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Local punk exorcist Benicio “Scary” Scaramucci admitted he didn’t see any problems with the sinister child threatening nuns and puking everywhere when asked to consult on a supposed demonic possession, confirmed multiple sources who were being thrown across the room by an invisible hand.

“In all my years I’ve never seen a case this extreme. This child has said the most foul things to the nuns attending to him, he’s destroyed everything in sight and defiled his chambers with an unholy liquid from the depth of his bowels. There’s only one thing I can conclude—this kid fucking rules! At one point he told one of the nuns ‘To eat his ass out and fuck it with the cross,’ hilarious stuff. This little dude could really show the stuffy bastards back at The Vatican how to party,” said Scaramucci, ashing out a cigarette on the possessed child’s arm. “See? The kid didn’t even flinch, what a fucking legend. And he can light it on fire just by looking at it! I wish he was my kid.”

After receiving the official all-clear from the church, the child’s dad was skeptical of the exorcist’s unorthodox methods.

“I don’t mean to criticize, but the exorcist they sent is quite unconventional—the holy water he brought smelled like Jack Daniels, and I saw him drinking it on several occasions,” said Ferdinand Ricci, peering into his son’s room. “And I know that he must gain the trust of my son, but it seems like he’s just encouraging his satanic behavior. Far be it from me to second guess an envoy from the Catholic Church, but I fail to see how boosting my son up to the stained glass windows so he can draw a crude penis on our Lord Jesus Christ is helping him get better.”

Bishop Antonio Camozzi says this is not the first time he has received complaints about Scaramucci’s behavior.

“I don’t know why we still send this guy out to perform exorcisms—he’s constantly late, he runs up a huge tab, and in the end he always ends up hanging out with the demonic entities,” sad Bishop Camozzi, saying ten hail marys before burning the exorcist’s field report. “And I don’t care what he says, I find it hard to believe that all these kids had knuckle tattoos before they were possessed by demons. If he wasn’t the Pope’s great-grand nephew I would have excommunicated this punk three exorcisms ago.”

The demon later released the boy from his possession and fled to hell after Father Scaramucci kept insisting that he come see his band this Saturday.

Every Death Grips Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Sean Mullee

Presumably BitTorrent’s favorite band, Death Grips have been legends of the underground music community for over a decade. And in the years that have followed their explosive rise from nameless obscurity to cult status, they’ve given a single-digit number of interviews, apparently influenced Bowie’s “Blackstar,” and appeared in one picture with Beyonce and Batman. Oh, and they’ve also released some of the most forward-thinking albums of the 21st Century, so we figured we might as well rank them.

8. Fashion Week (2015)

A fully instrumental album dropped, like many other Death Grips projects, by complete surprise. While there are plenty of great cuts to revisit on this project, it seems to have been dropped as a way for the band to thumb their noses at overly eager fans awaiting the second half of “The Powers That B” (i.e. the tracklist spelling out “JENNY DEATH WHEN”). While there are plenty of solid cuts from Zach and Andy on this project, it goes to show the importance of having a manic idealogue shouting over your drumming.

Play it again: “Runway J”
Skip it: “Runway N”

7. Government Plates (2013)

In the wake of their fallout with Epic Records at the end of 2012, Death Grips continued to relish in the electronic with “Government Plates.” The jarring opener is without a doubt one of the most iconic DG tracks, and there are plenty of energizing instrumentals on the album (including a guitar contribution from a fresh off “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2” Robert Pattinson), but the project is ultimately weighed down by a lack of consistency. There are better examples of intense digital production to come on this list.

Play it again: “You Might Think He Loves You for Your Money but I Know What He Really Loves You for It’s Your Brand New Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” (Sorry everyone, trying to reach my word count on this article)
Skip it: “I’m Overflow”

6. Year Of The Snitch (2018)

By this point in their career, much of the mystique that surrounded the group in their early years had all but given way to the ironic memes and ever-growing fandom that comes with being an internet darling. So what do you do as a band whose identity was forged by jarring noise when the audience is no longer shocked? You get the director of “Shrek” to do a spoken word interlude, I guess. There are fantastic cuts that prove these guys can pump out bangers without issue, but it lacks the same urgency of message that feels present in many of their previous efforts. And when you have a discography this good, something has to be a differentiator.

Play it again: “Death Grips Is Online”
Skip it: “Little Richard”

5. No Love Deep Web (2012)

It’s hard to look past this album when examining the Death Grips discography. Partially because it feels like the musical equivalent of having a paranoid breakdown, but mostly because it has a fucking cock on the cover. This project comes out of the gate like a cannonball with pounding bass on tracks like “Come Up And Get Me” and “No Love” giving way to tinnier, glitching tracks like “Hunger Games.” The rollout of “No Love Deep Web” killed the band’s Epic contract, but not before they could blow their entire advance at the Chateau Marmont and cement their status as cult icons.

Play it again: “Lock Your Doors”
Skip it: “Pop”

4. The Powers That B (2015)

This beast of a double album was released in two halves with a year gap in between. The first disc could be described as an exercise in creative restrictions, with songs laden with percussive samples of Bjork’s voice. The glitchy, avant-garde (even by Death Grips standards) first half gives way to probably the most relentless run of guitar tracks in the discography on “Jenny Death.” The two halves are yin and yang, proof that the band is able to excel in sounds both minimal and maximal. And if they truly had stayed apart after their breakup (which was announced via a note on toilet paper), the suicidal anthem “On GP” would have been a fitting swan song.

Play it again: “Turned Off”
Skip it: “Death Grips 2.0”

3. Exmilitary (2011)

“Exmilitary” exploded into the underground like a flaming bat out of hell, exhibiting a caustic mixture of genres that singed the eyebrows off of anyone listening. The mixtape opens with “Beware,” touting that Charles Manson recording, an ominous Jane’s Addiction sample, and a chorus that sounds like a war chant, setting a dark scene before the album continues its rapid descent into madness. Aggressive – almost primal – vocals, masterfully constructed walls of harsh noise consisting of skull-fucked samples of everything from Black Flag to cult recruitment tapes, and a penchant for mysticism and the occult, Death Grips’ debut is grungy, lo-fi, and has all the devil-may-care attitude that you want in a trailblazing punk record.

Play it again: “I want it I need it (Death Heated)”
Skip it: idk I’m too scared to skip anything when I listen to this one

2. Bottomless Pit (2016)

“Bottomless Pit” feels like a culmination of all the elements of sound and fury that Death Grips had sharpened their teeth on in the past. This album is seedy in its themes and lyrics but paired alongside an extremely polished recording. Nick Reinhart returns after his contributions on “Jenny Death” and plays some of the meanest guitar parts I’ve ever heard, a perfect match for Hill’s manic blast beat drumming. Morin’s synths are as visceral as ever and MC Ride’s vocals…well, he’s the same beast he always has been. Perhaps most surprising is how traditional much of this record feels in terms of song construction, especially considering their last project was so obtuse at times. In the words of the man himself, this project “will fuck you in half.”

Play it again: “Bubbles Buried In This Jungle”
Skip it: “80808”

1. The Money Store (2012)

There is not much to say about this album that hasn’t already been said by countless Anthony Fantano viewers. But legions of guys parroting YouTube talking points don’t make this album any less of a modern classic. “The Money Store” was a knockout left hook from a band fresh off a monster uppercut, a relentless tear of pounding drums, thundering synths, and foreboding lyrics painting a dystopian scene of technology and oppressive systems running rampant. The album is a digital grotesquerie filled with hit after hit like the electricity of “Get Got” and the buzzsaw melody of “I’ve Seen Footage.” With “The Money Store,” Death Grips spelled out plainly that anyone making industrial hip-hop was already playing catch-up. Deny it all you want, but this album is singular, quintessential, and most of all, it’s punk as all hell.

Play it again: “Hacker” (This is THE Death Grips track)
Skip it: Skips?! It’s the fucking Money Store

Opinion: Responsible Cocaine Use Is the Foundation This Country Was Built On

Posted on by James Knapp

Cocaine: it’s the fuel that allows the food service industry to even exist. But that wonderful and horrid powder does more than just prop up overworked chefs at Olive Garden, it’s been the catalyst for the formation of nearly every aspect of American government.

Also, anybody got a bump right now? I can’t get in touch with my guy.

And I’m not talking about the reckless, destructive cocaine use that was so prevalent inside of the Reagan white house. I mean the sensible, measured cocaine use that was prevalent inside of the Carter white house. That’s the kind of moderation that allows us to be socially proactive, without going so far as to sell too many nuclear secrets to Iceland.

Just imagine — if cocaine were legalized tomorrow, suddenly we’d have an entirely new taxable industry. Politicians always talk about creating more jobs, but when the time comes to actually roll up their sleeves and put that “screenplay inspiration dust” behind the counter at Rite Aid, they’re all talk and no way-too-much-talk because they’re not flying on blow right now.

The founding fathers were all on cocaine. Didn’t you ever wonder exactly what powder it was they used in those powdered wigs? That was pure, Colombian “democracy-inventin’ fuel” in those doofy hair pieces they had – how else do you explain Thomas Jefferson cranking out the Declaration of Independence in one night? Imagine the legislation we could pass nowadays if only these gutless elected goons we’re stuck with would split an eightball with each other once in a while! Talk about reaching across the aisle.

Now I’m not saying that we’ve lost our way as a country. There’s still plenty of enthusiasm out there, in gross loft apartments and La Quinta hot tubs, for the Coke-stitution. But we need to bring it back to the forefront. It’s time to set aside our differences and unite to get drugs back into politics now!

Also, I still can’t get in touch with my guy. Any chance you can loan me a gram? I swear I’ll pay you back when I get my check on Friday.