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DeSantis Claims 115mph Hour Winds Are God’s Way of Removing Wokeness From Florida

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor, and floundering Republican presidential candidate, Ron DeSantis assured residents the powerful winds from Hurricane Idalia are God’s way of ridding Florida of so-called woke ideologies.

“I wanted all the citizens of this great state to know the best way to be safe during a storm surge is to reject critical race theory and limiting diversity training,” said Governor DeSantis from the State House. “This is God delivering a message that Florida is where Woke goes to die. I speak with God every night. He told me this hurricane is simply one step in making sure trans people don’t have access to health care and that even though I’m a little behind in the presidential race God assured me I’m a powerbottom and eventually I’ll get my turn on top.”

Lifelong Gulf Coast resident Arden Hillstrom admits he is less worried about identity politics.

“I’ll admit I voted for DeSantis twice, but right now I don’t have time to listen to his ideas on sex education for elementary school kids, I’d rather hear about realistic evacuation routes before my family is swept into the ocean,” said Hillstrom. “Before the storm hit I got two emergency alerts on my phone. One was about the potential damage from the storm, and the other was about the potential damage Joe Biden’s loan forgiveness plan could have on the economy. I’m just worried about surviving the next few hours.”

Florida-based meteorologist Andi Piazza says Hurricane Idalia has no political ideologies and will cause ruthless damage regardless of party affiliation.

“This category three hurricane does not care who you vote for. Idalia will knock a tree onto your house whether you are a hardcore MAGA supporter or a liberal, even though we sort of already know there are not many liberals left in Florida,” said Piazza. “Everyone stay safe, follow evacuation orders, board up your windows, and please do not use this storm as an excuse to further limit abortion access. That’s the last thing this state needs right now.”

At press time, DeSantis announced he would be challenging Hurricane Idalia to a boxing match which will be livestreamed on X.