BLACK ROCK DESERT, Nev. – Burning Man festival attendee Joshua Lewis recently died onsite due to his utter paranoia that he’d become dehydrated, sources taking a break from hitting their water bottles confirm.
“I know it sounds crazy, but Mr. Lewis actually perished due to a phenomenon known as ‘water toxicity,’ Pershing County Coroner Matthew Stronghorn reported. “It appears that in an overzealous bid to stay hydrated in the punishing Nevada desert, he drank literally three full gallons of water in a forty-minute time period. We can’t stress enough how bad of an idea that is, it causes there to be too much pressure inside of your skull. No health and wellness influencer clout is worth that kind of fucked up death. Normally we have to remind all these Boomers and tech workers to drink water, but the deceased took it way too far.”
Fellow festival attendee and Lewis’ tent-mate Anna Boudreau recalls finding his behavior to be odd, to say the least.
“I mean, look, we’re all a little paranoid about dying of thirst out here,” Boudreau said between dabs. “But Josh was like, really paranoid. He kept yelling ‘HYDRATION CHECK’ every 30 seconds and pulling out an industrial-sized tank of filtered water and drinking from it with his jaw unhinged like a snake. It was kind of terrifying to watch. I feel like Phil Collins right now, I basically watched a man drown. I was honestly expecting him to overdose on something way artsy-er, like ayahuasca. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink some alcohol and sand to dry myself out.”
Burning Man documentarian and noted festival historian Bernard Wilhelm gave a grave warning to future guests of the gathering.
“Heed my words, fellow Burners: this is not the first time someone has died due to overhydration in this hallowed city, nor will it be the last. Tragedies like this happen every single day out here, and yet–have you heard anything from the higher-ups, the shady administration organizers? Of course not,” said Wilhelm. “This is all part of their vast conspiracy to slowly pick off those of us who dare make our way to the desert year after year. It’s becoming too popular and crowded. They’ve poisoned your minds with fears of dehydration in order to trick you into drinking yourself to death. And not in the usual way!”
At press time, Boudreau was seen doing lines of sawdust.