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Punk Exorcist Doesn’t See Problem With Sinister Child Threatening Nuns and Puking Everywhere

WASHINGTON — Local punk exorcist Benicio “Scary” Scaramucci admitted he didn’t see any problems with the sinister child threatening nuns and puking everywhere when asked to consult on a supposed demonic possession, confirmed multiple sources who were being thrown across the room by an invisible hand.

“In all my years I’ve never seen a case this extreme. This child has said the most foul things to the nuns attending to him, he’s destroyed everything in sight and defiled his chambers with an unholy liquid from the depth of his bowels. There’s only one thing I can conclude—this kid fucking rules! At one point he told one of the nuns ‘To eat his ass out and fuck it with the cross,’ hilarious stuff. This little dude could really show the stuffy bastards back at The Vatican how to party,” said Scaramucci, ashing out a cigarette on the possessed child’s arm. “See? The kid didn’t even flinch, what a fucking legend. And he can light it on fire just by looking at it! I wish he was my kid.”

After receiving the official all-clear from the church, the child’s dad was skeptical of the exorcist’s unorthodox methods.

“I don’t mean to criticize, but the exorcist they sent is quite unconventional—the holy water he brought smelled like Jack Daniels, and I saw him drinking it on several occasions,” said Ferdinand Ricci, peering into his son’s room. “And I know that he must gain the trust of my son, but it seems like he’s just encouraging his satanic behavior. Far be it from me to second guess an envoy from the Catholic Church, but I fail to see how boosting my son up to the stained glass windows so he can draw a crude penis on our Lord Jesus Christ is helping him get better.”

Bishop Antonio Camozzi says this is not the first time he has received complaints about Scaramucci’s behavior.

“I don’t know why we still send this guy out to perform exorcisms—he’s constantly late, he runs up a huge tab, and in the end he always ends up hanging out with the demonic entities,” sad Bishop Camozzi, saying ten hail marys before burning the exorcist’s field report. “And I don’t care what he says, I find it hard to believe that all these kids had knuckle tattoos before they were possessed by demons. If he wasn’t the Pope’s great-grand nephew I would have excommunicated this punk three exorcisms ago.”

The demon later released the boy from his possession and fled to hell after Father Scaramucci kept insisting that he come see his band this Saturday.