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Opinion: Responsible Cocaine Use Is the Foundation This Country Was Built On

Cocaine: it’s the fuel that allows the food service industry to even exist. But that wonderful and horrid powder does more than just prop up overworked chefs at Olive Garden, it’s been the catalyst for the formation of nearly every aspect of American government.

Also, anybody got a bump right now? I can’t get in touch with my guy.

And I’m not talking about the reckless, destructive cocaine use that was so prevalent inside of the Reagan white house. I mean the sensible, measured cocaine use that was prevalent inside of the Carter white house. That’s the kind of moderation that allows us to be socially proactive, without going so far as to sell too many nuclear secrets to Iceland.

Just imagine — if cocaine were legalized tomorrow, suddenly we’d have an entirely new taxable industry. Politicians always talk about creating more jobs, but when the time comes to actually roll up their sleeves and put that “screenplay inspiration dust” behind the counter at Rite Aid, they’re all talk and no way-too-much-talk because they’re not flying on blow right now.

The founding fathers were all on cocaine. Didn’t you ever wonder exactly what powder it was they used in those powdered wigs? That was pure, Colombian “democracy-inventin’ fuel” in those doofy hair pieces they had – how else do you explain Thomas Jefferson cranking out the Declaration of Independence in one night? Imagine the legislation we could pass nowadays if only these gutless elected goons we’re stuck with would split an eightball with each other once in a while! Talk about reaching across the aisle.

Now I’m not saying that we’ve lost our way as a country. There’s still plenty of enthusiasm out there, in gross loft apartments and La Quinta hot tubs, for the Coke-stitution. But we need to bring it back to the forefront. It’s time to set aside our differences and unite to get drugs back into politics now!

Also, I still can’t get in touch with my guy. Any chance you can loan me a gram? I swear I’ll pay you back when I get my check on Friday.