LOS ANGELES – Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst admitted that the claims he “did it for the nookie” in the 1999 hit “Nookie” were a farce and his true intentions were to find and be loved, confirmed sentimental sources.
“You know, as Limp Bizkit became more popular I started feeling a true loneliness and wanting someone to be there for me. I hoped the subtext would come through a bit more, but everyone focused on the nookie aspect,” expressed the rocker in a bout of self-reflection. “Coming into this world as a reject, I would often lash out against others like a chump to hide my own problems. As much as I could hide it, I couldn’t keep on rollin’ in the face of a toxic relationship. No more hot dog-flavored tears for me.”
Nu metal fans have felt a variety of emotions since the revelation, with one Bizkit die-hard having perhaps the most extreme.
“I spent my whole life doing it for the nookie, only to find out that it’s all a fraud,” said Sick New World VIP pass holder Chaz Otis. “I’d always heard rumors of Fred tearing up like a baby when about to get it on, but I just thought that was stupid lies from the Staind fans. For over 20 years I’ve been using women for one thing, I wasn’t open to love all because Bizkit didn’t make it clear to me it was ok to be vulnerable. I’ve got some healing I need to do. I should’ve known that only someone deeply emotionally damaged could come up with ‘The Fanatic.’”
While this comes as a massive surprise to plenty of fans of Durst, nu metal expert John Vicario says that songs like “Nookie” have been taken at face value for too long.
“Anyone could tell the tinge of sarcasm and self-loathing within Nookie’s lyrics, just as they could tell the lack of guidance in Durst’s future in ‘My Way,’“ explained Vicario. “People just talk trash on nu metal because they think that the songs mean nothing, when they’re the ones who know nothing. I don’t know how you can listen to ‘Chop Suey’ and not get the talk of self-harm and respect upon death, or the Alien Ant Farm ‘Smooth Criminal’ cover and understand that the real smooth criminal is the lead singer’s intrusive harmful thoughts. Don’t even get me started on what the breakdown in Korn’s ‘Freak on a Leash’ means.”
As of press time, Durst revealed that the stuff being broken in ‘Break Stuff’ was his fragile heart.
Obviously dead last. Krampus is the guy who does Santa’s dirty work and he’s never given a gift in his centuries-long life unless you count a birch rod to the face. Krampus isn’t someone you want to see on your best day, let alone fresh off the heels of a drunk driving rampage that caused $96,000 in property damages and 14 injuries that made the news in 3 states.
This lusty, giant-headed goat-skinned Italian creature is not to be confused with Krampus, but will also be of little help to you. As the tradition goes, villagers lull the Badalisc into a trap with a young maiden, and then he spills the whole town’s secrets in the form of a rhyming poem. Well, good luck rhyming “Destroyed a Starbucks” with “Narrowly avoided running over an elderly woman despite his best efforts” you goat-snitch bastard!
Santa at his most pious and non-secular is unlikely to be any help to you. He is the patron saint of, among other things, children, sailors, and archers, each of whom you injured in your drunken joyride. He is also the patron saint of repentant thieves, so maybe if you can convince him that you’re sorry you robbed that archer of his right arm, who knows? Seriously though what the hell was that archer doing in the middle of the road that night?
No! What are you an idiot? How is an idea going to give you a PS5? We’re trying to play Spider-Man 2, not wax poetic over gushy holiday sentiment. Don’t waste our time.
The name is French for “Father Christmas,” though he also goes by “Papa Noel” or, “Daddy Christmas” if you nasty. As a Frenchman he has a pretty lax attitude toward drinking and finds our American drunk driving laws to be oppressive, so he’s with you. Unfortunately, he only leaves gifts in shoes that are left by the fire filled with carrots for his mule, so unless your shoe is big enough to fit a sick-ass PS5, your chances are slim.
He’s exactly like Père Noël, but Cajun style! That is to say, he delivers gifts out der oun da Bayou in a boat that is drawn by a team of 8 alligators. In other words, there is no way that dude is sober, and he doesn’t give a damn about your DUI. He doesn’t have the same shoe-sized gift restrictions as his namesake, but unfortunately, anyone traveling by gator boat is likely behind the times. We hear he’s still giving out N64s.
He does not forgive you for drinking too much alcohol and getting behind the wheel that night. He just doesn’t understand why you had to get all liquored up when you could have enjoyed the rich taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Whether it’s classic, cherry, or any of their caffeine and calorie-free varietals, nothing pairs better with the moments of our lives worth celebrating than a Coca-Cola. (bottle pop sound, glug glug noise) Aaaahhh.
Upwards of 90% of robotic Santas go berserk and try to kill you. It probably won’t have anything to do with the fact that you were going 75mph the wrong way in a school zone per se, but unless that roboSanta has a PS5 in its chest (which would be dope!) your chances are slim.
Father Christmas and Santa Claus have become sort of synonymous in recent centuries, but back in the day, Father Christmas was the personification of Christmas itself. He’s an elemental avatar, like Swamp Thing, only with Christmas instead of plants. Unfortunately, he has no connection to gift-giving of any kind. He’s all about feasting and merry-making, which of course means drinking. He certainly won’t judge you, but when it comes to playing Spider-Man 2 you’re shit out of luck here.
The Dutch O.G. who puts the Saint Nick in Santa, Sinterklaas is no stranger to mistakes. The whole “Black Pete” thing went on way too long. Unfortunately, the forgiveness of your DUI notwithstanding, he can’t give you a PS5 because in the Netherlands Christmas already happened on December 6th! If only you had been busted for the drunk driving you did weeks ago, you might have started asking sooner!
Ugh, goddammit, the Hungarian Santa is another useless shoe guy who pretty much just leaves candy and finishes his rounds by December 6th. Curse you, bishop of Myra!
He also had his licence taken away and also doesn’t have a PS5 but thinks having one would be rad. Basically, he’s exactly like you only smellier and dressed like Santa. And just all-around worse.
The Santa of Texas is the latest incarnation of the jolly old gift giver. We’ll say your odds are 50/50 with Cowboy Kringle. It’s all about how you frame it. Instead of saying “I was recklessly driving under the influence and I hurt a lot of people,” try saying “I got my license cancelled by the woke-mob.”
The “Daddy Christmas” of Brazil is pretty much exactly like the American Santa, only he gives gifts through windows instead of chimneys because there aren’t a ton of chimneys in Brazil. He’s also notably sympathetic, so we’ll put him a notch above Santa Prime, but honestly, it’s hard to sympathize with someone who kept shouting “Points!” every time they drunkenly ran over something.
Yup, just your traditional old-school Santa. He’s sort of an amalgamation of every Santa on this list, so, lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have yous’. As the most Hallmarky interpretation of old Saint Nick, he is capable of forgiving your vehicular rampage and getting you that PS5, but you’ll have to work for it. We’re talking super grand gesture here, like adopting some of those kids you displaced when you crashed into that orphanage. Honestly, maybe not worth the effort.
Really? You really want to put yourself and the one person who can stand to be around you and your disgusting body and attitude in a location cut off from the world where they’ll have to interact with you and only you? Any potential romance will be destroyed the second you unpack the one sweater you wear, sleep in, and use as a napkin.
Let’s face it, even if you knew how to ski you wouldn’t be able to afford it. And just thinking about how expensive it is will remind you of how little you’re paid because you’re stuck in a job that you hate and isn’t fulfilling while your life slips away faster each day and you’re just an insignificant speck of dust in a cosmic game of chance and misery. So don’t even bother.
A much more painful alternative to regular downhill skiing, but potentially cheaper. The layers you’re wearing will definitely hide any stink lines emanating from your rotting carcass, and your friends will assume you’re wailing and gnashing your teeth because you’re participating in one of the worst winter activities humanity ever created.
Winter camping can be a fun, weekend activity for people who enjoy the outdoors! But no one would describe you as “outdoorsy” since the only time you’re seen outside of your apartment is during your weekly restock of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, toilet paper, and whiskey. Maybe leave this one to people who can walk farther than five city blocks without getting winded.
You might get lucky and the smell of warm gingerbread will cover up whatever stench you weren’t able to hide with pine-scented candles. But if you do this as a group activity, try not to lose your shit and throw your creation into the wall in front of your friends when you realize your gingerbread family has achieved something you never will: owning a house.
One might think that dog sledding would be an excellent activity for the lonely and solitary months of winter. Being out in the wilderness with only animals for company could be a good way to spend the short days if dogs didn’t have the ability to sniff out a pack of bacon five houses away. We recommend you skip this one, unless you want to really ruin a husky’s day.
The sweet scent of hot cocoa will temporarily mask your crotch rot, and also remind you of being a kid when the only thing you had to do was wake up, go to school, endure hours of torment at the hands of your peers, hate the fact that you had no power or control over your life and listen to your parents fight as you tried to fall asleep. A delicious, nostalgic treat!
Sure, no one else has to be around as you watch some of your favorite holiday films. But will you really enjoy “It’s A Wonderful Life” when you remember that it was deemed a “subversive” movie by the FBI because you live in the United States and anything less than a full blowjob for bankers and capitalists used to be (and let’s face it, still is) considered communist propaganda? Get back to work, scum.
Wearing a helmet is the perfect mask for those dead eyes that haven’t looked away from your ex’s Instagram in 6 weeks. Make sure to drive the snowmobile alone, though, otherwise having a passenger will just remind you that no one wants to hold on to you in a romantic way because you’re an unlovable piece of shit with commitment issues, and boy oh boy do you stink.
Ice skating can be a risky choice depending on your skill level. If you’re falling down a lot and generally unstable on the ice, no one will wonder why you’re crying and screaming and covered in blood. But if you have an easier time staying up, that same demeanor might draw a few questions.
