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The Killers’ Greatest Hits Album Just 20 Versions of “Mr. Brightside”

LAS VEGAS — Mormon rock mainstays The Killers announced the release of “Rebel Diamonds,” a greatest hits album that is entirely made of 20 slightly different versions of “Mr. Brightside,” confirmed excited sources.

“We’ve been a band since 2001, we have nearly 150 songs but one of them stands head and shoulders above the rest. There isn’t a person on Earth or within the Celestial Kingdom that doesn’t love ‘Mr. Brightside,'” said frontman Brandon Flowers. “We considered just making half the album different versions of Brightside, but we realized that including some of our other songs would just cheapen the experience for the listener. I can say with confidence that ‘Rebel Diamonds’ is a collection of our best works and a must-have for any fan of The Killers.”

Audio Engineer Petra Calimeris helped work on the different versions of the hit song for the new album.

“This was quite an ordeal. Obviously we start off with the album version of the song from ‘Hot Fuss.’ Then we got to work crafting new versions that wouldn’t alienate any fans. So one track is slowed down by a microsecond, another has the bass turned up half a decibel, then there is one with an extra three seconds of silence at the end of the track,” said Calimeris. “The biggest debate was whether or not to include a live version of the song where Brandon screams ‘What’s up Toronto?’ We ended up scrapping it, but it will be part of a 4-LP collectors edition package with an additional 25 versions of ‘Mr. Brightside.'”

Music historian Tyler Nance believes The Killers made the right choice.

“When you release a greatest hits album you want people to listen to every single song with enthusiasm. You don’t want someone to get to track six and start thinking ‘Since when does this turd qualify as a greatest hit?’ The Killers guaranteed that nobody will skip a single track,” said Nance. “Bands have done this before. Weezer released a box set that was just 12 copies of the Blue Album, and Blink-182 made sure they didn’t write another good song since 2005 so their greatest hits album never needed updating.

At press time, The Killers still refused to apologize for the lyrics “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.”