Congratulations, you’ve managed to sneak into your nemesis’ inner sanctum (or home office). Now all that’s left to do is wait in their extra tall desk chair to spin around the moment they walk into the room. While this looks unbelievably cool on film, playing the waiting game can take hours if you got there early to beat traffic or sneak past the guards. Here are five ways to kill time before delivering retribution.
Think Up a Clever One Liner
It’s one thing to take them by surprise, but it’s even more satisfying to twist the knife and hit them with a witty remark before they get a word in edgewise. Hit ‘em with “Home so soon?” or an “I was worried you haven’t received my invitation!” and revel in their surprise. Hopefully, the time you spent calculating your plan included taking improv classes for this moment.
Pop Over to the Animal Shelter for a Lap Cat
If you have time to sneak away for a spell, why not do a good deed and adopt a serious-looking mackerel tabby? It might be a cliche, but it’s fun to have a little minion even if all they do is sit there and judge. It would put an exclamation point on your reveal, especially if your nemesis is deathly allergic.
Hone in on the Speech Where You Reveal Your True Intentions
You’re probably jacked up from the adrenaline, so don’t get ahead of yourself and spill the beans with some Metal Gear Solid length diatribe about your master plan. You want to really stick it to them, but if you broke into their study early enough there’ll be enough time to cut out extraneous phrases. Remember: harangue once, edit twice!
Eat a Snack
Face it, you’re gonna get hungry and spinning your chair too fast on an empty stomach can make you sick. Bring something from home like a buttered roll but avoid anything involving a wrapper. You can’t catch your nemesis off guard if they walk in the room to find you in the middle of throwing away a Funyuns bag.
Survey the Room for Anything You Can Use as a Makeshift Weapon
For all the romanticizing of getting the drop on your adversary, it’s easy to neglect the fact they’re probably going to be really fucking mad. If your nemesis is the “kill or be killed” type, why not mentally scan the room for something that’ll subdue them, or at the very least prevent them from stabbing you. Fancy candelabras and thick leather-bound books provide a good balance of offense and defense. If they’re the modern type, you can always strangle them with an ethernet cable.
Look no further than the floor of your car. Between the crumpled Burger King bags and wad of used tissues under the passenger seat, you’ll find the holy grail: loose CDs. Loose CDs are a budget-friendly find when you want to show your loved one that music knows no bounds (including that of a case). This gift is not unlike your newfound freedom, having finally shed the shackles of capitalism for an indeterminate amount of weeks or months.
This affordable gift works wonders when your loved one is in desperate need of a little freshening up. A single stick of gum is all they really need when they’re in a pinch. Who wants the whole pack, anyway? They’re not trying to take up that much room in their pockets. Besides, you’re gonna need fresh breath, too, for all those upcoming interviews. Might as well keep the rest!
Say hello to nature’s gift—rocks! A pet rock is totally free and completely satisfying for friends. Just pick any cool-looking rock from the side of the road, throw it in a box, and tell people it’s a pet. There’s absolutely no way anyone will give you push back on this. Especially since you walked all the way to their house now that your car has been repossessed.
Your loved one will be stunned when you show up with a designer jacket. Do they need to know where you got it or why it smells like corn chips? Hell no! Just call your local movie theater and ask them if they have any black jackets left behind by patrons and voila! You’ve got yourself a sweet present for the fashionista in your life. It might be two sizes too big, but it definitely has character. And maybe even a spare $5 in the pocket you can keep all to yourself.
At a time like this, you’ve gotta look at the glass half-full—kind of like that wine bottle you tried to kill last night, but ended up falling asleep halfway through. This affordable gift comes straight from Albertsons’ BOGO deal. You aren’t buying anything unless it’s deeply discounted, so this is a perfect option. Threw away the cork? No problem, just shove a wad of foil in there.
Remember that old condom in your wallet that’s been sitting untouched for the last four years? Well, it’s finally time to whip it out. This is the perfect way to show that you care about your loved one’s privates and sexual health. There’s nothing more warm and fuzzy than the gift of protection from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If you can’t afford a whole box of condoms, this will do the trick for at least one sexual encounter. Just make sure to double-check the expiration date on that puppy!
You’ve probably got a Chipotle gift card floating around in your desk drawer somewhere, right? You know, that one you may have used a couple months ago, but there’s totally still money on it (just not enough for a burrito bowl). You’re gonna be cooking a lot the next few months, so why not gift it to a friend? Don’t tell them how much is left on it, so their total at the register will be a fun surprise!
If you think these are just for kids, think again. This shit slaps hard no matter how old you are. All you need is a single sock (not even a pair!) and some googly eyes. The fun will last for hours. Maybe even days. Just make sure to wash the sock before gifting it. And don’t use any socks that seem to be hard or crusty…
Branded pens from the dentist’s office are a fun way to reveal your favorite orthodontist without being over the top about it. It’s all about the subtle details. The best part? Your dentist won’t care how many you take. Just think how many people could be getting a pen with the phrase “tooth hurty” on it! Maybe all this marketing you’re doing for them will earn you a free teeth cleaning?
No gift is more thoughtful than a spare lightbulb, especially an old incandescent. You can’t buy those relics of the recent past anymore. We’re all gonna need one eventually. Except for you. No need to spend extra money on the electricity bill right now. You should really bust out the candles right now and start living a little more humbly. You’re welcome for the bright idea!
If you still have a roof over your head, chances are you’ve got a welcome mat. It may have been left there by a previous tenant, but it’s yours now to gift to whomever you want! The great news is those things withstand plenty of wear and tear, so it won’t look noticeably used unless you threw up on it when you got fired or something. Even then, a good hose down is a great way to jazz it up!
Once you make your dollar menu selection, be sure to grab a few fistfuls of napkins to give your favorite person. Don’t worry if some of them are grease-stained from the Big Mac in the to-go bag. It’s the thought that counts. And the amount of money you can save by gifting an item readily available to the public without purchase.
Have you ever seen a lone cigarette, completely new and ready to be puffed, dangling dangerously at the mouth of a gutter? Looks like someone just dropped a brand-new one and left it there. Don’t you wish that thing had a second life? Don’t let it go to waste—gift it to your pal who may or may not be jonesing for one. A quick dusting off is all you need before wrapping it up.
Do you still have that keychain you stole from 7-11 ten years ago? Well guess what, this is the budget-conscious gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it may be one of those name keychains that has your name on it instead of theirs, and it doesn’t light up anymore, but at least they’ll always know who it was from. Now, that’s a heartwarming gift that will forever be nostalgic of something they never experienced.
A box of matches can be enjoyed by all. Need to start a fire? Wanna light a candle? Did you take a huge dump? Problem solved. Not only will matches come in handy, but your loved one will always have a nice little novelty item from your favorite Italian restaurant. One day, you’ll be able to pay for a meal there again, and that hope keeps you going.
You might think these are just something you make in kindergarten, but the joke’s on you—you can make these at any age as long as you have a box of pasta. This necklace is a great conversation piece and lasts for years as long as your loved one doesn’t boil it. Suck it, Etsy. You’re a true artisan. Hey, maybe you could make this your side hustle for some extra cash…
Taking a public restroom’s TP is a victimless crime. They don’t know how much you need, and what if you have an extremely messy situation that requires an entire roll? How would they ever know? It’s perfectly acceptable to take multiple rolls and distribute them as gifts. It won’t hurt to stock your own bathroom with them! Plus, the rough, thin paper will help toughen up your butthole.
Let’s face it, you only use your car manual like once or twice possibly ever. Why not give it to your loved one as some light reading material for their next long trip? This gift is perfect for the special someone in your life who’s an avid reader. They’ll love the practical graphics! Maybe they can start learning what that light on your dashboard means and you can skip the mechanic?
Do you have a cardboard box that hasn’t been recycled yet? Maybe the box your boss made you put all of your belongings in on your last day of employment? Well guess what! It can double as a rocket ship, a secret fort, or a racecar. The possibilities are endless, really. This gift is all about imagination, which you’ll be using a lot of when determining how you’re going to make rent this month.
Saving the best for last, a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon always hits. You can’t spend a lot of money, but your loved one can! Give them 20% off forever with the gift that never expires. A significant discount on a squatty potty, some picture frames, or a new pillow will give anyone a healthy dose of Christmas cheer. Hopefully you too, since your insurance ran out and you can’t touch base with your therapist for a while. At least one of you will be thriving!
“Waste ’Em All” is pure, uncut crossover thrash: 16 songs in 17 minutes. None of that poser shit like catchy riffs or quality production. Municipal Waste’s debut is played almost sarcastically fast, as if they tried speedrunning their own songs. Same goes for Foresta’s lightspeed delivery, which is best described as “yelling in cursive.” The album blurs together like a night of binge drinking, so trying to recall any portion of it 10 minutes after hearing it is about as fruitful as trying to recall last night’s debauchery the following morning. Lyrically, the band mines obvious territory—violence, monsters, drinking, metalhead delinquency—with high school humor: “I couldn’t help but notice that the band I came to see / Was playing to the speed of motherfucking Kenny G.” But don’t let that fool you: wordplay like “Doormen don’t charge us / ’Cause they’re scared that we’ll charge them” hints that they’re (slightly?) smarter than they let on.
The band’s fifth full-length is kinda disappointing. The album’s good-not-great quality isn’t a problem on its own; it is a problem, however, when compared to the preceding three. As such, “The Fatal Feast” feels like a step backward. There aren’t any real misses here, but there isn’t anything outstanding, either. There’s still amusement to be had, though. There’s a story of a space voyage that turns into cannibalism: “Let’s kill the captain and stuff our face / He led us all to starve here—fatal feast.” There’s another about infiltrating a religion as a prank, only to have it backfire: “They’re not human, they’re possessed / The more I’m learning, the sicker it gets / Those who seek their secrets are hunted for fun / Not blood into wine, they turn wine into blood.” Even lesser Waste albums are good for smashing (empty?) beer bottles, so there’s that.
Municipal Waste’s sixth album is their first as a five-piece. So much for symmetry. Here, they’re joined by former Cannabis Corpse guitarist Nick Poulos, who adds some slick and showy leadwork to the band’s sound. (The instrumental “Under the Waste Command” seems to exist solely for this reason.) Otherwise, the songwriting remains unaltered, so we get another 28 minutes of Neanderthal adrenaline. Lyrically, “Slime and Punishment” is made for The Hard Times audience: the main themes are posturing, metalheads, and fighting/property destruction. Foresta also gives rap punchlines a try with lines like “I got more patience than a hospital” and “Your knife is duller than the tales you told.” He also recounts “Death Proof” with skilled brevity (“Twisted carnage appearing as an accident / Perfectly planned, diabolical degenerate”), suggesting that he may have a second career as a hyperactive movie-recapper if this whole crossover thing doesn’t work out.
The band’s sophomore effort contains stuff like memorable riffs, intelligible vocals, and decent production—in other words, a proper debut. Everything is an upgrade from “Waste ’Em All,” right down to the goofy cover art. Monsters and drunken belligerence continue to be the main lyrical topics, dispensed with a healthy dose of juvenile humor. This time, however, there’s some (minor) variation when Foresta’s channels “The Terminator” and “The Thing,” as well as life advice: “Stop mulling through your problems, don’t drink the pain away / Don’t use it for a crutch to start acting really lame.” Even his criticism of religion is fittingly asinine: “Hide behind the cross, telling lies of the absurd / How many altar boys are fucked before your time is served?” It’s got the nuance of a drunk uncle and the subtlety of an airhorn. Then again, so does Municipal Waste and that’s why we love them.
As the title and cover (drunkenly) scream, The Waste’s third full-length is their most party-centric. This is their Frank The Tank album, and can be summed up thusly: “Raging to a level of inebriated bliss / Pounding to the speed of the metal with our fists.” Of course, there’s still room for violence, and it’s handled with typical “Monty Python”-esque absurdity. The record’s funniest song finds Foresta using “open your mind” in a literal manner, despite the listener assuming it’s figurative: “What I meant to say just might hurt / But my intentions are far worse / The confusion of my strange advice / Can be solved in just one simple slice.” Musically, it’s a better-played and better-produced version of “Hazardous Mutation,” which is to say: another highly entertaining soundtrack for getting fucking shitfaced.
Municipal Waste’s fourth album is their first with some evolution. “Massive Aggressive” is more thrash than punk, with a few actual choruses and a handful of the band’s best songs and riffs. There’s some real growth in the songwriting and arrangement—like the nifty, NWOBHM-esque leads of “Mech-Cannibal”—that signals a (slightly?) more mature band. That’s true of the lyrics, also. Here, Foresta takes two (!) sorta-intelligent swings at religion (“I really do not get the part / Where I spend eternity in dark / Because I don’t believe in Noah’s Ark”), as well as an accurate, if reductive, criticism of the media (“You might think I overreact / But TV’s got me paranoid / Real life turned to entertainment / To fill some desperate void”). Fear not, though: he makes time for vampires, zombies, killer robots, and a lethal gameshow. Municipal Waste sorta played against type here, and the gamble turned out pretty well.
In which a crossover thrash band all but throws out the “crossover” part and makes a ripping thrash album. Maybe Arthur Rizk—producer and engineer best known for working with Power Trip—pushed the band to new heights. Whatever the source of inspiration, The Waste offer their finest set of songs here, featuring sharp and catchy riffs, flashy leads, and even a few hooks. Meanwhile, Foresta’s as entertaining as he’s ever been, calling the famous 1974 Ten Cent Beer Night “the best mistake this home team ever made,” and writing a song about killing someone and turning them into alcohol: “Raise my frothy mug of death / The flavor—the only thing of you that’s left.” It’s an impressive achievement to hit your peak two decades in. Let’s hope we don’t gotta wait five years to see what’s next.
That’s right, dead last. This “holiday classic” is hot garbage and we never want to see it again no matter what the situation or context. Oh, does that make you angry? Are we ruining your childhood? By all means, sound off in the comments and boost our engagement! Just don’t try to get us to watch it again, we’ll shoot our eyes out!
Oh, Chevy Chase. Doesn’t his aloofness remind you of your own dad? Yeah, well, pretty sure no one in your sex club wants to think about their dad. Pass.
Everyone loves the Vince Guaraldi Trio, but nobody likes Peanuts. People forget every few years and to everyone’s detriment. Unless your kink is being depressed and bored out of your mind, skip this one and just add the soundtrack to your playlist.
Come on, you’re trying too hard. It’s called kitchen table poly, not full-on 1950s nuclear family poly. We know today is all about “the family you made along the way” but ya’ll fuck. Calm down.
It’s the least boomer-vanity-centric collaboration between Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis, so, uhm, that’s something.
Possibly the least sexy thing with Keanu Reeves in it.
Show us a polycule without at least one crafts-goth and we’ll show you an eight-way hookup with no long-term sustainability. If your tribe is the real deal, at least one of you is going to be lobbying hard for this one every year, so why not throw them a bone, or should we say, a Jack Skellington? The movie’s over-arching theme of “Hey weirdos, stay in your lane!” won’t jive with you 100%, but don’t read too much into things, it’s Christmas!
Joe Dante’s “Gremlins” is a stone-cold holiday classic, and a great choice for your polycule’s holiday movie because it’s all about following rules and the consequences for breaking those rules! The terms you and your nesting partner, dom, subs, metas, and pups have agreed to are probably a lot more complicated than “Don’t eat after midnight,” but the message resonates all the same.
If you’re looking to pair Holiday cheer with undeniable pansexual charisma, look no further than character actor Jim Varney!
Featuring Henry Rollins in his most festive movie cameo since “Johnny Mnemonic!”
With a title as bold as “Santa Claus: The Movie” expectations are high, and this movie never quite meets them. It’s got the Big Lebowski as Santa, the Trinity killer from “Dexter” as the bad guy, and the dude who trained Rocky as an elf? This thing is a mess. Still, its overall theme of love winning out over consumerism in the holiday season is warming and important, especially when you’re fucking like 9 people. You would go broke buying high-end gifts for that many partners!
Yeah, we did this one last year. It’s not as steamy as it sounds.
This timeless holiday tale about how important one individual life can be is heartwarming but loses some punch when you’re fucking like a dozen people. “Can you imagine if Jeff was never born? I guess I would wind up, uhm… fucking Dave and Brittany more often?” Eh.
Everyone says this version is a classic, but there’s no muppets and no Bill Murray, so like, what’s the point? Without either of those things, this movie is not sexy at all, avoid.
“Here you go your honor, 26 Christmas cards all addressed to my sexual partners. How about a tax break?”
It’s an absolute classic, but if you’re polycule has a top hat person in it, and studies show over 20% do, you’ll want to avoid this one at all costs. Speaking personally, I can confirm there is no magic in my metamour’s dusty old “Look at me I go to Burning Man” hat, and the last thing that person needs is vindication.
A VHS copy of this movie would be a welcome addition to The Island of Misfit Toys. It is an oddity, to say the least. At first, you’ll be transfixed by the strangeness. Who are these dinosaur hosts? Why is the Hunchback of Notre Damn in a Christmas special? Is this supposed to be religious? But then the California Raisis start singing, and you’re like “Wait, have I seen this before?” As a person drawn to the polyamory lifestyle, potentially drudging up repressed memories on Christmas day isn’t a gamble you wanna take.
It’s considered one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Still, that title, it’s a little hard to swallow in 2023. The cast does little to dispel the negative connection. Unless you’ve got serious song and dance people in tow, maybe skip “White Christmas.”
Even Bill Murray agrees that Bill Murray comes off as way too much of a dick in this movie, but that just makes the payoff of his speech at the end all the more sweet. It’s like edging but with the Christmas spirit.
Poly people come in two varieties—those who earnestly enjoy the pageantry and ballet of “The Nutcracker,” and those who still childishly chuckle at the name “Nutcracker.” There simply is no middle ground, but that’s okay, everyone will enjoy this on some level, and that’s all you want.
Poly and anime, they go together like peanut butter and a thing most people who also like peanut butter are way too into.
