OLYMPIA, Wash. — Doctors across the country warned new and prospective parents that excessive use of white noise machines might lead infants to start drone metal bands later in life, disquieted sources confirmed.
“We’ve been scrutinizing these sound machines for years, and it’s increasingly clear they’re not as benign as we thought. Sure, there’s the overstated risk of hearing damage, but my real concern? An explosion in ‘drone metal’ bands,” said Dr. Collins Rose, a pediatrician who has been studying this for years. “I didn’t know what ‘drone metal’ was until my nephew played it recently. When he played me one heavily distorted note, held it for 45 minutes, and then had the nerve to call it a ‘song’ I knew we might have a problem. Now, I’m alerting everyone before this trend swarms us like locusts. Honestly, locusts might sound more pleasant.”
Salem Simmons, a mother and concerned citizen, is alarmed and confused.
“I’ve never used a sound machine. It’s part of my parenting philosophy where I instill horrendous sleep patterns in my children so I can play the martyr amongst my friends. So this will never affect me, but my god, I can’t wait to rub it in Elizabeth’s face,” said Simmons. “That well-rested monster has been advising I use a sound machine for years, but I always knew better than to listen to her bullshit. I can’t wait to tell her that her sweetly sleeping baby will eventually grow up to play in a band called something like Palace of Stone. He will probably with his own VH1 special, biting off the heads of robots or whatever they do.”
Judson Riley, a drone metal fan and fellow parent, remains unfazed.
“We’ve used a white noise machine for years, and our kids are just fine. If they grow up to be drone fans, that’s alright by me. In fact, I think it’s already starting to happen. My youngest’s first words were correcting someone who tried to pronounce it ‘Sun Oh,’” Riley mused. “And my oldest recently completed a paper about black holes humming in B flat. Who can complain about an interest that inspires such curiosity? It’s a great thing! Well, except for that birthday party. Maybe choosing ‘Earth 2’ for musical chairs wasn’t ideal. All the parents took their kids home before we could even finish one round.”
At press time, leading doctors also discovered toddlers subjected to frequent radio static are more likely to start noise projects.