20. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
An enduring stop-motion Christmas classic for any age or mode of life. It has in fact been broadcast every year since 1964, making it the longest consecutively running Christmas special of all time! While your little makeshift family unit may not be big on old-world traditions, this is one you can actually get behind. It’s all about accepting people who are different and celebrating their strengths. Whether you’re a Charlie-in-a-box. a pink firetruck, or just a plain old cuck, this Christmas special has something to offer you!
19. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Brooding loneliness, leather gear, and generally being misunderstood by society, this Christmas movie has it all! Put the age players to bed after “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and enjoy “Edward Scissorhands!”
18. The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
Since 80% of people are attracted to Kurt Russell and 30% of people are attracted to Santa Claus, this movie has a -10% chance of leaving anyone disappointed!
17. Christmas With the Kranks (2004)
Not as fun as it sounds, perv.
16. Black Christmas (1974)
Since you’re all on the naughty list by design anyway, why not be extra bad and watch a classic Christmas slasher movie? And hey, why is everyone on their phones the whole time? Literally, everyone you talk to and fuck is in this room, who are you texting? The texts are coming from inside the living room!
15. Deck the Halls (2006)
Kick back with your queer crew and watch a couple of toxic male egos ruin someone else’s Christmas for a while.
14. Home Alone
“Home Alone” is such an undeniable Christmas classic that everyone in your polycule grew up on it despite several generational divides amongst you. Plus Kevin’s ingenuity in creating seemingly lethal traps out of common household items might inspire some pretty inventive shenanigans after the movie! Did you know you can build a Sybian out of an electric mixer and an ordinary dildo?
13. Die Hard (1988)
Forget all that annoying Internet debate nonsense, “Die Hard” is a solid movie whether it’s canonically Christmas or not. And does it really matter what movie you put on? You’re all just gonna fuck anyway.
12. Santa Claus is Coming to Town (1970)
We all have a Burgermeister to overcome, whether it’s a mean man who doesn’t want us delivering presents or a company insurance policy that won’t recognize our puppy play partner as family.
11. How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
The Grinch and Max definitely have a dynamic going, read between the lines.
10. Santa Claus (1959)
We all know that if Santa and Satan really through down our dark lord would emerge victorious, which is why we recommend watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew tear this piece of crap to shreds.
9. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
We are of course recommending the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie, but even on its own “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” has some merit. It’s got campiness for days with its retro sci-fi designs and over-the-top performances, and it’s important to note that Santa’s weapons of conquest aren’t guns and violence but love and giving. It’s a message that a group of people willing to navigate 12-way relationships are bound to resonate with.
8. Bad Santa (2003)
It’s got some pretty cringe moments, but it did help pave the way to normalizing sexual attraction to Santa Claus and it deserves some gratitude from all you ho ho hos out there.
7. Elf (2003)
No, get over yourself, “Elf” is fun. At least one of you people wears elf ears year round, let them feel seen this year.
6. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Possibly the greatest iteration of “A Christmas Carol” ever made. Michael Caine turns in one of the best performances of his storied career as Ebenezer Scrooge, perfectly capturing the character and acting with muppets so naturally you’ll forget they aren’t real people. Plus it’s hosted by pansexual icon Gonzo!
5. Tangerine (2015)
This entire movie was filmed on an iPhone 5, can you believe it?! Well, yes you can, frankly it looks terrible, but the story and performances hold up. Enjoy Christmas with the polycule by taking in this movie about people with lives a little bit messier and more confusingly sexually entangled than your own.
4. Batman Returns (1992)
Yes, it’s a Christmas movie, and more importantly, it’s a Christmas movie that deals with alternative relationships! By day, Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle are a playboy billionaire and an overworked neurotic secretary respectively, but by night they both jump into their leather personas and fight while getting extremely horny for one another! Unfortunately, given that Batman is clearly a Daddy and Catwoman has got the whole whips and claws thing going, they are both tops. Can they make it work? The ending is a bit ambiguous, but we like to think they can!
3. Carol (2015)
Is there anything that screams Christmas more than age gaped lesbians in the 1950s? Yes? Lots of things? Okay, sure. Pretty hot though!
2. Blade (1998)
Christmas movies all kinda suck, you guys wanna just watch “Blade?”
1. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
No surprise that Kubrick’s Swan Song takes the top spot. It features more fucking than any other Christmas movie on this list, and it ends on a holiday message you’re entire polycule will be able to get behind. To quote Nicole Kidman, “We need to fuck as soon as possible.”