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Lying Awake Contemplating Mortality Only Consistent Part of Bedtime Routine

MANHATTAN, Kan. — Bleary-eyed local woman Sharon Esses reported this morning that the only consistent part of her bedtime routine is lying awake and contemplating her mortality.

“I haven’t remembered to floss in about a month. I often forget to wash off my makeup… and mouthwash? Forget it. But I never, ever miss out on lying in bed and endlessly thinking, ‘Oh, God, I don’t want to die.’ Every. Single. Night,” said Esses. “And then I start to worry that I’m wasting time worrying about something I can’t change — next thing you know, I have to wake up for work in four hours. Meanwhile, my boyfriend’s peacefully sawing logs next to me and my dog is sleeping the night away on the floor, totally immune to the horrors of everyday life.”

Boyfriend Matthew Stott has tried in vain to help Esses get more rest.

“I’ve bought her a ton of sleep aides, but they all only seem to make things worse,” said Ferguson. “For instance, the weighted blanket apparently feels like the ‘crushing weight of her existential dread.’ The eye mask, of course, sends her into panic mode imagining the eternal darkness of the grave. And the lavender pillow? Well, it turns out the chemical they used on the pillow made her break out in this nasty rash. So, yeah… that was a rough couple of days.”

Sleep specialist Ishana Pital explained that the nighttime anxiety experienced by Esses is very common.

“As all humans know, there’s nothing quite as horrifying as being alone with your awful thoughts. That’s why these bedtime crises are so common,” said Dr. Pital. “And it’s not just limited to anxiety about death: some people worry about money and relationships; others beat themselves up over embarrassing things they did years ago that literally no one remembers but them. Like in middle school, when I farted real loud trying to climb the rope in gym class… and now I’m thinking about it again. Goddammit.”

At press time, Esses was devising a plan to improve her bedtime routine, accommodate her nightly crisis, and get a full eight hours of sleep by taking a “shitload” of melatonin at 6 p.m.

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