ST. LOUIS, Mo. — The annual holiday gift exchange at Clarkson Valley Police Department consisted entirely of Punisher items for the fifth year in a row, according to jealous sources on 4Chan.
“This is the best Secret Santa ever!” stated new transfer Colton ‘Punisher’ Berehowsky, who insists people call him by that name. “I freakin’ love that character so much so it’s really cool to be able to celebrate this magical season by seeing so much sweet-ass merch with that iconic logo. And just because all the gifts are different versions of the same thing doesn’t make it any less special. Who would have guessed they made four different types of Punisher shotgun koozies? I just feel blessed that my old precinct was forced to relocate me here after those BS allegations. Who’s laughing now?”
Evan Marshall, a man who spent the night in the drunk tank at the station, witnessed the holiday festivities up close.
“When I saw those cops basically exchange the same dumb shit, I figured I was still really fucked up,” said Marshall. “But when I realized it wasn’t the Tito’s talking and they were for real into that Marvel character like a bad stereotype, I just shook my head, laughed, and realized I could probably get out of there easily since everyone was distracted. After I stole some guns and drugs from their desks, I was able to casually slip out undetected as they were busy arguing about whose identical skull tattoo looked the most alpha.”
Marvel Executive Joanne Turnball explained the importance of this particular demographic for her company’s bottom line.
“Without sales from various law enforcement agencies we might go bankrupt,” described Turnball. “We used to rely more heavily on parents purchasing swag for their kids at Christmas, but over the years we’ve seen astronomical growth with cops and the military from across the country. We used to be a bit conflicted after the far-right started co-opting this character, but at the end of the day we believe in freedom just like Frank Castle does, especially the freedom for us to rake in billions of dollars.”
At press time, the gift exchange ended in a hail of gunfire after a rookie inadvertently purchased a mousepad for his Secret Santa with the new version of the Punisher logo on it.